Dell's Good, Bad & Ugly Movie Reviews

[dell71]

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Directed by Tobe Hooper.
1974. Rated R, 74 minutes
Cast:
Marilyn Burns
Gunnar Hansen
Allen Danziger
Paul A. Partain
William Vail
Teri McMinn
Edwin Neal
John Dugan
Jim Siedow

Sally (Burns), her wheelchair bound brother Franklin (Partain), and a few of their friends are riding around somewhere in Texas, looking for some sights to see. Along the way, they pick up a hitchhiker who is obviously a few burgers short of a cookout. He likes to play with knives and cackle maniacally. Luckily for them, they manage to dump this weirdo before anyone suffers a fatal injury. They drive along some more and eventually find a nice secluded/abandoned house to hang out in. There is a lake out back and no authority figures around for miles. Ah, the perfect spot for kicking back and having a good time. Things are going great until they figure out they’re out of gas. One of them gets the bright idea to see if the neighbors in the only other house around will help out. The title and the birth of a sub-genre ensues. You know which sub-genre, right? That one where a group of teens off on an excursion wander into some back woods and meet some inhospitable hillbillies. Truthfully, we can probably trace its birth back a year further to the release of Deliverance. This one, however, creates the template we’ve been following ever since.

The genius of this movie is threefold. First, it comes dangerously close to boring us. During the setup stages, other than some grisly images right at the very beginning, there aren’t all the tell-tale signs that let us know this is a horror flick. Sure, there’s the wacko hitcher, but once that passes it’s fairly mundane for a good little while. No strange sightings, or shadows crossing the camera, or cats suddenly jumping out at us and no foreboding music. The bad stuff starts happening pretty spontaneously. Second, it doesn’t go into lengthy exposition to explain the back-story of our psychos. It’s not interested in why this is happening. It merely wants to give us the sinking feeling that something bad lurks in the bowels of America. This also keeps the runtime short, a scant seventy-four minutes, packing its thrills tight and not allowing us to grow immune to its tricks. Something the various remakes and sequels suffer from is giving us too much info, using all sorts of ridiculousness to explain things. Finally, it doesn’t ever feel the need to make us in the audience feel better. Yes, at the risk of spoiling a near forty year old movie, there is a survivor. However, it’s hardly the ending we’ve grown accustomed to. We’re not experiencing any sense of triumph when the credits roll.

Where The Texas Chainsaw Massacre might lose newer audiences is in the visuals. Don’t get me wrong. The look of the film is still perfect. It’s got the griminess befitting its subject matter. However, for those raised on Saw and Final Destination movies, the blood and guts aspect might be a tad disappointing. When the heinous acts are occurring they’re often just off-camera or somehow obscured. The power of suggestion is a marvelous story-telling tool, but hardcore horror fans, especially those of slasher fare, may feel cheated. As sadistic as it sounds, part of the thrill of watching dead teenager movies is seeing horrible things done to the human body. Here, we only sorta see it. For its era, it is a gory flick. In 2013, it’s still not for the faint of heart, but far short of all those torture porn movies in terms of visible nastiness.

Excessive mutilation or not, TTCM still stands head and shoulders above most films of its ilk. Inspired by real life serial killer Ed Gein, it sparsely presents its story as a matter of fact, not stylized violence and overly elaborate contraptions. This rawness is where its power lies. When things happen we don’t feel like we’re watching a movie crew’s handiwork.

MY SCORE: 8/10

[dell71]

Texas Chainsaw 3D
Directed by John Luessenhop.
2012. Rated R, 92 minutes.
Cast:
Alexandra Daddario
Dan Yeager
Trey Songz
Scott Eastwood
Tania Raymonde
Shaun Sipos
James MacDonald
Thom Barry
Bill Moseley
Paul Rae
Gunnar Hansen
David Born

In true reboot fashion, Texas Chainsaw decides to ignore all the sequels and remakes that came before it and link itself directly to the original. In this case, that means re-working the ending of the original, using actual footage to sync it with the story being told in this newer version. After the events of the classic, the twisted family’s baby was snuck away by a couple incapable of reproducing while the evil clan is being slaughtered by the townspeople. Wait…what? Okay, none of this is even remotely implied by the original, but whatever. Let’s just fast-forward to the present, to somewhere that’s not Texas, and we meet the roughly college-aged Heather (Daddario). It quickly becomes obvious that she was the baby in the opening scene. However, in case you have doubts she finds out she’s inherited a great big house from her grandmother in the Lone Star State even though she thought all of her grandparents died before she was even born. Never you mind the fact she should be closer to 40 than 20, given the fact of when that first movie was made and the dates this movie uses itself. The important thing to note is that after arriving at her new house with a few friends in tow, she finds out there is another surviving member of the family: Jed, AKA Leatherface (Yeager). He’s been locked in the basement for all these years. When he gets out, well, chainsawing ensues.

What I like most about this addition to the series is that it gets right to it and never lets up no matter how ridiculous it is. Much of the killing from the original is incorporated into the beginning, including the killing of the family. All that inheritance stuff is set up fairly quickly. The ladies in the viewing audience get to see R&B star Trey Songz without a shirt. Fellas, we get Heather’s supposed friend aggressively trying to get into her boyfriend’s pants. That boyfriend is Trey Songz, of course. The dialogue is horrible. The acting is the standard “meh” fitting a relatively big budget horror flick starring no one you’d pay to see. But hey, chainsawing ensues and all is good.

In the midst of all the flesh cuttin’ another villain is presented. After all, we have to find a way to make Leatherface a cute and cuddly sympathetic figure, right? Okay, not so cute…or cuddly, but definitely sympathetic. They think. Well, really, it’s a setup for another sequel. What did you expect? I expected nothing less. As long as whatever cockamamie plot they come up with next is just as eye-rollingly bad and chainsawing ensues, I’m there.

What? You’d thought I’d be all upset about this movie pissing all over the seminal classic? I understand why you might think that. I mean, it does haphazardly re-write the conclusion of its source material adding random characters and situations. Am I supposed to be outraged that all of the slasher movie tropes are lazily employed? Yes, that guy goes to investigate the foreboding basement and walks right up to the metal door obviously meant to contain something dangerous. Yes, the girl that has sex gets hacked up. And yes, the other girl falls while running through the woods, away from the killer. Here’s the deal: going in, I didn’t pretend that this was anything other than an attempt to cash in on the franchise name. I didn’t expect any great tension to be created. I just wanted chainsawing to ensue. It did, and the movie is goofy. And bloody. And beyond dumb. And so, I am happy. In other words, it’s so bad it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

[Buzzman]

I watched TCM at the right time and loved it. So damn funny. I loved they made Leatherface out to be the good guy by films end.

[JimLeavy59]

Still waiting for that Last Ounce of Courage review.

[dell71]

Sinister
Directed by Scott Derrickson.
2012. Rated R, 110 minutes.
Cast:
Ethan Hawke
Juliet Rylance
James Ransone
Vincent D’Onofrio
Michael Hall D’Addario
Clare Foley
Fred Thompson
Nick King

Ellison (Hawke) is a true crime writer looking for his next best-seller. About a decade earlier, his magnum opus, “Kentucky Blood,” was not only a best-seller, it captured the national spotlight, earning him fame, wealth, and notoriety. He likes to work close to the scene of the crime he’s researching. This time, unbeknownst to his family, he moves them in to the actual house where it all went down. It being the hanging of four people out of the family of five that lived there. The fifth, the family’s youngest daughter, is still missing and the perpetrator has not been caught. Shortly after settling in, he finds a box of films and a projector in the attic which actually shows the crime, along with several other killings. Pretty soon things are going bump in the night and Ellison is freaking out.

As per the standard in such flicks, one adult is losing his mind, the other is mostly oblivious for much of the movie, and the kids are affected in various ways. In this case, the oblivious adult is wife/mom Tracy (Rylance). Son Trevor (D’Addario) experiences an increase in his “night terrors,” which means he wakes up in odd places screaming his head off and not knowing how he got there. The daughter eventually sees stuff. Most of our time is spent with dad as watches the films, hears something, goes to investigate, and tries to get help from either the local deputy (Ransone), or Professor Jonas (D’Onofrio) from the local university. Rinse. Repeat.

Despite its repetitive nature, Sinister manages to draw us in enough to keep us interested. Ethan Hawke’s performance helps quite a bit. His motivations are laid bare as is his increasing fragility. The man is clearly falling apart. However, he can’t help but dive deeper and deeper into this case. The case also has a bit of power over us, as well. The revelations come slow, but quick enough not to lose us. That said, reasoning is left unexplained and even undiscovered. This might be a potential turn-off for some, but I think it works.

The acts depicted in the films our hero watches are heinous, presented sans the over-stylization of most horror flicks. This gives them a real feel that holds up even though, or perhaps because, we’re visually spared the gory details. Again, Hawke does the work for us. Last second cutaways to his reactions work perfectly. In these moments, he is our conduit. He behaves as one might were we viewing something so despicable happening to real people and not actors. It’s an odd tactic for an R-rated horror movie, one that I usually rip movies for employing. Here, it works pretty well, maintaining the illusion that our protagonist is working on a “true” crime.

Where the movie ultimately falls short is in the most basic goal of horror. It’s entirely too hard to gauge how much danger this family is in. Cinematic logic dictates that they’re likely the next target of whoever the bad guy is. However, when things start to escalate, it doesn’t always seem that way. We eventually discover why that is. Sorta. By that point, well, the movie is just about over. Until then, we can’t quite get fully vested in the welfare of these people.

All in all, Sinister is an interesting watch that does some interesting things. Though it is occasionally unsettling, it never gets all the way around to submerging deep enough in our heads to make it remarkable. We like the tone, the films within the film, Hawke’s reaction to them, and even the ending. However, it is also tedious and, for some, the unanswered questions will be unsatisfactory. And yes, we’re threatened with the possibility of a sequel. This is a decent watch, but I can live without another one.

MY SCORE: 6/10

[dell71]

Paranormal Activity 4
Directed by Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman.
2012. Rated R, 88 minutes.
Cast:
Katie Featherston
Kathryn Newton
Matt Shively
Alexondra Lee
Brady Allen
Aiden Lovekamp
Stephen Dunham
Sprague Grayden

Remember little Hunter from part 2? In case you’ve forgotten he was the baby, Katie’s nephew, whom she abducted while evidently possessed by the demon that just doesn’t like their family. Sorry about spoiling if for anyone who hasn’t seen it. After the prequel that was part 3, we’re back to continuing the saga. As the movie’s tagline tells us, “all the activity has been leading to this.” After the opening scene of Paranormal Activity 4 shows you exactly what I’ve just told you, we skip a few years and to a new neighborhood. We also center on a new family. This time around, our conduit is the family’s teenage daughter Alex (Newton). She’s the only person living in the house who has a clue. Much of the movie is viewed through the webcam on her laptop. We see the rest through various cameras on the family’s multiple devices including their Xbox 360. The rest of the clan is made up of little brother Wyatt (Lovekamp), too young to really suspect anything and their equally oblivious mom Holly (Lee) and dad Doug (Dunham). The only other person aware of the strange happenings is Alex’s platonic, but always present and hopeful pal Ben (Shively). Thanks to him, we actually have a movie to watch. He’s the one that rigs all the cameras to constantly record.

Things progress as they must in the Paranormal Activity universe, slowly. In fact, things don’t start happening for quite awhile. They pick up once Wyatt gets a new playmate. That would be Robbie (Allen), the odd little boy who just moved in across the street with his mom and wanders the neighborhood late at night. He’s fond of Alex’s old tree house. Evidently, his mom becomes ill and, with nowhere else to go, guess who takes him in for a few days. Yup. That’s when the activity begins.

If you’re one of those people who show up at the franchise’s midnight premiers, chances are you’ll love this installment. If you’re one of those that think the whole series has been rubbish to this point, nothing here will change your mind. For the rest of us it’s a hard movie to judge. It’s better than part 2, which it is a direct sequel to, and part 3, the prequel. It advances the story and infusion of a new family gives the proceedings a much need shot in the arm. The ghostly tricks feel fresher even though a number of them are the same. There are a few ones including the garage scene which is just brilliant. The use of laptops also gives us a slightly different perspective on things.

On the other hand, there is a massive plothole that walks around all movie and seriously needs explaining. If you can get past that, or just don’t recognize it, you’ll probably enjoy PA4 very much. If you can’t you’ll be busy wondering how and why we even got to the point where the movie starts. It would have to be something beyond contrived. Even with it’s issues, I’d still say this is the best of the series other than the original.

MY SCORE: 6/10

[dell71]

Warm Bodies
Directed by Jonathan Levine.
2013. Rated PG-13, 98 minutes.
Cast:
Nicholas Hoult
Teresa Palmer
Rob Corddry
John Malkovich
Dave Franco
Analeigh Tipton
Cory Hardrict

The zombie apocalypse has already happened. R (Hoult) doesn’t remember quite how. All he knows is that he’s been a corpse as long as he can recall and that he thinks his name started with the letter ‘r’. He’s a bit different than most of his kind. He’s fully aware of what he, is and what’s going on around him, evidenced by the running dialogue in his head that serves as our narration, even though he has the physical limitations of other corpses. He groans, stares, occasionally utters a word or two, and generally walks pretty slow. And yes, he eats people, particularly their brains. While out on a food run, he meets human girl Julie (Palmer) and instantly falls in love. The feeling is made stronger by the fact he’s just eaten her boyfriend’s brain which gives R the lad’s memories. Naturally, many of these include Julie. Against his better judgment, he saves her life and takes her back to the airport where he and lots of other corpses wander around all day. Romance budding against the backdrop of the war between the living and the undead ensues.

Warm Bodies manages to successfully subvert zombie lore while simultaneously embracing it. For one, the zombies themselves aren’t completely mindless. They’re not anywhere near as lucid as R, but there is a thought process taking place, albeit slowly, but it’s there. Helping this not feel like a slap in the face of George A. Romero is the inclusion of the Boneys. They are the walking skeletons we’re told every corpse becomes, sooner or later. When this happens, they will truly be devoid of any thoughts other than how to get their next meal. It’s a classic case of using an even more despicable villain in order to make a questionable protagonist seem like a good guy. Combined with R’s oh-so-normal late teen/early twenty-something male sensibilities and confliction over his state of being, it works wonders.

Since I mentioned genre god George A. Romero, I’d be remiss if I didn’t also note that zombie films are historically the most thinly veiled metaphors for what’s going on in current society. Whether intentional or not, this one provides a commentary on how the ceaselessly increasing presence of social media is eroding our face-to-face social skills. At least I read it that way. The final scene of the movie seems to echo that sentiment and make a plea to us in the audience.

Symbolism aside, our enjoyment of WB is enhanced by the way our romance is written. R comes across as a socially awkward, but really trying young man. His efforts to impress Julie are similar to what many a boy has done, and will do, to win over a girl. This makes him likable. More importantly, we understand why Julie likes him. This is in stark contrast to one of the biggest problems plaguing the recently concluded Twilight series. In that, Edward Cullen is so brooding and anti-social he seems on the verge of becoming an abusive partner. After all, the gift he keeps promising Bella is death. Bella is so constantly depressed she appears to be looking for someone to commiserate with. Her fascination with Edward plays like an unhealthy obsession, a true fatal attraction. That’s not the case in Warm Bodies. Here, we have two people in an extraordinary situation, but neither appears to be looking for a way out of life. Contrarily, Julie wants nothing more than to keep living. R’s biggest desire is to feel alive. Despite the prevalence of death in their society, in many guises, Julie is vibrant and R aspires to be.

In the ever-expanding ocean of Romeo and Juliet inspired romances, this has to be among the most unique. Our Romeo is a pale, dead-eyed thing with real issues expressing his feelings, yet we understand him just the same. However, a well done love story is not the only thing propelling this movie. It’s also a tasty slice of dark humor. The jokes themselves aren’t often morbid, but enhanced by the morbidity of the situation. Corpses trying to communicate elicits enough laughter on its own. There are also R’s thoughts. Through all of this, WB congeals into a potent mix of comedy and carnage. Add the fact that our tale is, literally for some characters, a heart-warming one, and we get a zombie flick that appeals to fans of the genre and to those who don’t necessarily go for that sort of thing.

MY SCORE: 8/10

[dell71]

Silent House
Directed by Chris Kentis and Laura Lau.
2012. Rated R, 86 minutes.
Cast:
Elizabeth Olsen
Adam Treese
Eric Sheffer Stevens
Julia Taylor Ross
Adam Barnett
Haley Murphy

Sarah (Olsen) is at the summer house her family owns with her father and uncle. They’re packing and patching things up in order to get it ready to sell. Progress is slow, and not helped by the fact that the power is out. You know what that means. Once the sun sets, and the uncle goes out for a bit, Sarah starts hearing all sorts of noises, including footsteps. However, this is no ghost story and those are real footsteps. Maybe. There really is someone uninvited walking around the house. They’ve already given dad the business and now they’re after her. Sarah playing cat and mouse with the intruder ensues.

We’re treated to little more than an hour of Sarah panting, crying, and scurrying from room to room, hiding under tables and around corners, then out of the house when her uncle returns, as her tormentor slowly searches for her. The methodical thump of footsteps and the surprisingly unnerving sound of an old school Polaroid camera are very effective creating a sense of pending doom. It helps that Olsen’s performance really sells it all. On occasion, it feels repetitive. How many times can the boogeyman just miss our heroine before we begin to feel he’ll never catch her?

Thankfully, some other things start happening. Namely, Sarah starts seeing more stuff. They seem random, at first, but definitely advance the plot. To this end, there is also the happy-go-lucky neighbor whom she use play with as a child, but can’t really remember. When all becomes clear is the viewer’s moment of truth. You’ll either label it genius and proclaim this one of the best horror movies in recent memory, or think it’s downright dumb and a waste of time. Those in the camp of the former will likely pull out all of their dime store psychology to explain it to people in the latter. Whichever way you lean, just don’t come into Silent House thinking you’re going to see a bunch of dead teenagers with hacked off body parts. It uses whatever surface thrills it has early, but leads to something for us to ponder, not some grand blood bath. I personally lean toward genius, but realize it’s probably a love-it or hate-it type of flick.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

[dell71]

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Directed by Timur Bekmambetov.
2012. Rated R, 105 minutes.
Cast:
Benjamin Walker
Dominic Cooper
Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Anthony Mackie
Jimmi Simpson
Rufus Sewell
Marton Csokas
Erin Wasson
Jaqueline Fleming
John Rothman
Alan Tudyk

So you think you know all about Abraham Lincoln (Walker), don't you? I betcha didn't know he was a vampire hunter? Me neither. As the story goes, his mother was killed by a vampire when Abe was just a little boy. One thing leads to another and Honest Abe eventually finds himself under the tutelage of Henry Sturges (Cooper). After getting coached up in the ways of killing blood-suckers, our hero starts taking out all the local vermin in hopes of eventually getting to the one that made a meal out of his mom. Well, Abe soon finds out that his adversaries not only want to control the country, but slavery has provided the monsters with easy pickings. When faced with the seemingly impossible task of stopping an unstoppable enemy what else is a vampire hunter to do but run for President?

As ludicrous as it sounds, I’m actually rather accepting of the premise. After all, you don’t go into Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter expecting an accurate re-telling of our nation’s history. Still, the movie doesn't quite deliver what the title promises. Don’t get me wrong, Lincoln does plenty of vampire hunting and killing. The problem is it’s strikes a rather joyless tone as if it really were recounting a somber episode from our collective past. Maybe it’s my fault for reading too much into the title, or for not reading the novel this movie is based on, but I was expecting something more fun. I thought I was going to get a movie that understands how silly it is and just goes for broke right out the chute. Instead, I got a film that gives a serious effort at making its goofy plot work.

The filmmakers are to be commended for giving it a go. Unfortunately, the story doesn't hold together well enough to pull it off. The revenge motif that starts things is typical. It’s transition from personal vendetta to country saving mission is clunky. The big twist regarding one of Abe’s pals is telegraphed from the moment we meet this person. The Mary Todd (Winstead) storyline is awkward. Finally, Harriet Tubman (Fleming) is shoehorned in merely for the sake of including her. There is no context provided as to why she is of any importance for viewers who may not have a clue about her. As if to emphasize she’s in the movie, other characters keep calling her by her full name.

As fast and loose as AL: VH is with the historical side of things, it is with vampire lore. For starters, it gets into Twilight territory with regards to daylight. Thankfully, there’s no sparkling but the sun is no issue. Why it isn't is less than halfheartedly explained away. Don’t look for anything about crosses, wooden stakes, or holy water to be mentioned, either. Instead, we steal from werewolves and make silver their lone weakness. Of course, this is so that Abe can wield an axe with a silver-tipped blade.

Honestly, the axe gives us whatever enjoyment there is to be derived from sitting through AL: VH. It’s a sick weapon (sick the way the young’uns say it, geezers). It does all sorts of cool stuff. Therefore, the movie is at its best when it dispenses with everything except Abe in his axe-twirling, vamp killing glory. His fight scenes are fun and contain some interesting visuals. Some of the battle scenes between union troops and vampires dressed as confederates are solid as well. The climax, involving a train, is interesting but too predictable to carry a real charge.

In the end, AL: VH is a movie where whether you like it or not depends entirely on how much weight you give the action scenes. It’s too-serious tone invites us to pay attention to the story, but that part of the movie bogs down under the strain of trying to mix real history with pure fantasy. Had it not undertaken that massive task, simply put its tongue in its cheek and shown some self-awareness it could’ve been a campy cult classic. Instead, it’s just another movie whose ambition outreaches its ability.

MY SCORE: 4/10

[dell71]

The Innkeepers
Directed by Ti West.
2011. Rated R, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Sara Paxton
Pat Healy
Kelly McGillis
Alison Bartlett
Jake Ryan
Lena Dunham
George Riddle
Brenda Cooney
John Speredakos

An old, stale hotel on the last weekend it will ever be in business, with only a few people around, seems as good a place as any for a good haunted house flick. ENGH! Wrong answer. At least in this case. I’m not sure there are any right answers in the 100 plus minutes we spend in this drab setting. By drab, I don’t mean anything remotely “haunting”, either. I just mean “bleh.”

Things start well enough, I guess. As mentioned, the Yankee Pedlar Inn is going out of business and the owner is wisely on vacation elsewhere. This means we’re stuck with the only two dweebs who work here, Clare (Paxton) and Luke (Healy). For some strange reason, they think they’re Akroyd and Murray back in 1984. Get it? Sigh…kids these days. They think they’re Ghostbusters! He-dweeb spends most of every day tap, tap, tapping on his laptop, designing his website based on “real” paranormal activity. She-dweeb mostly just believes whatever flies out of his pie-hole and agrees to try and record the ghosts in the hotel. By record, I mean audio only, not video. Huh? Whatever. Legend has it that, way back when, a bride hanged herself in one of the rooms because her brand new hubby abandoned her. Instead of using her apparently active afterlife to find that bum and haunt his ass, she knocks around the Inn occasionally going “Woooohhhh” and scaring the guests.

Hey, I've tortured myself once by watching this movie and twice by sitting down to write this review. Consider this your chance to stop reading now. You already know how I feel about this so-called film. Therefore, I’m going to do something constructive while I bang out a few more paragraphs. I’m attempting to take the art of onomatopoeia to new heights, just like this, boom. Didn't you notice ENGH? Bleh? Okay, at least you understood boom. No? Sigh. Grab a dictionary and look up onomatopoeia. Damn, you’re lazy. Just click here. See what I did there? I’m sorry, you’re not lazy, unless you are…screw it.

We left off on guests, right? Hmph, the only paying ones are a lady and her son. We learn she’s pissed at her hubby and punishing him by spending the weekend away. Ha! Judging from her demeanor I’ll bet he’s not feeling so punished. As for the boy, probably about 8, he gets a treat when he gets to see she-dweeb in her undies. Boing! Good for you, child actor. Now, don’t do drugs. Unfortunately for she-dweeb, after a frightening moment (for her anyway) sends her running to he-dweebs room she sees him in his undies. Ladies, trust me when I say this: gag!

Anyhoo, the lady and her son leave and an alcoholic, former actress, current medium arrives. Every haunted house flick has to have one of those. She’s in town for a people-who-talk-to-dead-people convention but of course, gets pulled into the goings on at the hotel. Right before just about every action she knocks back one of those small airline bottles of booze. A little later, some random old dude shows up and yes, he’ll become part of the happenings, also.

What are these happenings, you ask? Whenever she-dweeb is alone (they man the front desk in shifts), she starts hearing stuff knock or clank or wind howling or the piano in the lobby starts playing by itself. At some point during all the commotion, she yanks the recording equipment off the desk and mostly captures herself whimpering. Nice. She finally gets a noise other than from her own body, screams, runs and tells he-dweeb or drunk psychic and then…nothing. Between these scenes, our dweebs have completely inane conversations. Seriously, it’s like “Hey, look at my website and ghosts are real blah blah blah.”

“I totally believe you ‘cuz sometimes people see stuff and blah blah blah.”

Okay, movie, either kill them now or kill me. I’m begging. Hear that? That’s the sound of brain cells oozing out of my ear, splashing to their death on my shoulder so they no longer have to listen to this dreck. I should have known better. Our director, Ti West, also helmed the equally bad and equally overrated House of the Devil. If you see this man anywhere near a movie set, please have the nearest person call 911 then physically restrain him until the cops arrive.

Regardless of my feelings on the matter, The Innkeepers drones on. Sigh. You know the drill. Eventually, he-dweeb picks up on the fact strange crap is really happening and drunk psychic says ‘get out.’ I’m paraphrasing, of course. As for the random old dude, I’ll let you figure it out. Will she-dweeb and he-dweeb escape the dead bride? Will you give a flying fox fleeing from a flock of pheasants? Dun dun dun DUNNNNN!

MY SCORE: 0/10

[dell71]

Mama
Directed by Andrés Muschietti.
2013. Rated R, 100 minutes.
Cast:
Jessica Chastain
Megan Charpentier
Isabelle Nélisse
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Jane Moffat
Daniel Kash
Javier Botet
David Fox
Hannah Cheesman

Some rather unfortunate events leave two little girls alone in a cabin deep in the woods to fend for themselves. Five years pass until they are discovered by a search party working for their uncle Lucas (Coster-Waldau). It is miraculous that they've survived but, as expected, they’re severely damaged to the point of being animalistic. Victoria (Charpentier), now eight years old, and six year old Lilly (Nélisse) have subsisted on a steady diet of cherries and raised themselves. Sort of. After some intense therapy, Uncle Luke takes the girls in. Also living with him is his girlfriend Annabel (Chastain). The girls are coming along, Victoria much faster than Lilly, but are much more apt to obey Mama, a mysterious figure they often refer to that seems to live in their bedroom closet but no one else has seen. Adults trying to figure who and what Mama is while she/it makes things go bump in the night, and occasionally during the day, ensues.

Thankfully, instead of going the found footage route, Mama is an old-fashioned ghost story. It employs some new-fangled technology, to be sure, but the frights it tries to provide are from an era long since passed. It forgoes the gore in favor of an inferred presence, an ominous score and jump scares. Through these means it creates a foreboding atmosphere that it refuses to turn loose.

Our uneasiness is fostered by a sufficiently worried performance from Jessica Chastain. She provides the audience with a capable conduit as she often voices our feelings on the matters at hand and is the one character rounded just enough for us to care for. That being the case, she highlights the movie’s biggest problem. We have a pretty good idea of what each character is going to say or do, provided we've seen a scary movie or two. Annabel is someone to root for, but isn't really that intriguing. Uncle Lucas gets hurt early on and spends most of the movie in the hospital so he has nothing to do until the finale. Other characters only show up from time to time to explain the plot to us or to die because, you know, horror flicks need that sort of thing. Therefore, all we’re left with is that dread inducing music littered with abrupt noises to startle us.

Early on those old school tactics work pretty well, but they eventually lose power. The story is too paint-by-numbers to sustain the level of terror necessary to keep us truly locked in. Once the legend of Mama first starts to unfold it feels really familiar to us. In fact, it’s not terribly different from The Woman in Black. In short, once we know what’s coming we start to pick it apart. To it’s credit, Mama holds us as long as possible and is, at times, enjoyable. It’s just not quite good enough to stick.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

[dell71]

V/H/S
Directed by Adam Wingard, David Bruckner, Ti West, Glenn McQuaid, Joe Swanberg, “Radio Silence.”
2012. Rated R, 116 minutes.
Cast:
Calvin Reeder
Adam Wingard
Kentucker Audley
Sarah Byrne
Hannah Fierman
Mike Donlan
Frank Stack

A group of wayward twenty-somethings are having fun filming themselves attacking women in parking garages and forcefully exposing their breasts to the camera. Their mothers must be proud. Anyhoo, sales of these videos aren't as lucrative as they’d like. One of them knows about a VHS tape they would be paid handsomely for. Of course, they have to break into someone’s house and steal it. Once there, they discover a dead body and an extensive library of unmarked videotapes to rummage through, spread throughout the house. Of course, only one of these bozos has enough sense to press play on the VCR, even though the TV is already on. While his buddies are digging around in the various piles of tapes, he sits and watches. We watch along with occasional breaks to see how the boys are doing.

Essentially, V/H/S is a collection of vignettes whose only link is that they appear to be on the same tape and that one of the characters is watching them. On top of that, what’s going on in the house where he and his buddies are amounts to another vignette. Therefore, looking for a unifying theme is pointless, unless you count the fact that they’re all twisted. At that, each succeeds. To achieve this we get a vampire (something like a vampire), aliens, and “regular” folk.

Surprisingly, almost all of the shorts work wonderfully. None of them have a plot, per se, they’re more like little slices of the end of life. Very bloody, violent ends. As stated, they’re mostly bent on making you use some variation of the phrase “that’s messed up,” and they do.

Perhaps most notable is that it manages to put a new spin on the found footage sub-genre. Like all the rest of these type of movies, it’s heavily influenced by The Blair Witch Project.” It marries this with its love for other anthologies to give us something that feels fresh and completely unrestrained. Each vignette stretches long enough so we’re never quite sure where things are going. When they get there, our inner sadists will be quite pleased.

MY SCORE: 7/10

[dell71]

Dark Shadows
Directed Tim Burton.
2012. Rated PG-13, 113 minutes.
Cast:
Johnny Depp
Michelle Pfeiffer
Eva Green
Helena Bonham Carter
Bella Heathcote
Chloë Grace Moretz
Jackie Earle Haley
Jonny Lee Miller
Christopher Lee
Alice Cooper

In 1972, the Collinses live in a gigantic secluded mansion in Maine that their ancestors built over 200 years earlier. Once extremely wealthy, they now barely manage to pay the bills since the family business isn’t doing so well. Luckily for them, they’re about to get some help. Thought long dead since he lived in the house when it was first built, Barnabus Collins (Depp) rises from his grave. Having been turned into a vampire by Angelique Bouchard (Green), a jilted witch, he has a score to settle. For you young whipper-snappers, this is based on the late 60s/early 70s soap opera of the same name.

We proceed with the normal jokes that follow people reemerging in a time much different than their own. Some are funny, some are not. More consistently humorous, but not overwhelmingly so, is Michelle Pfeiffer’s sarcasm and the (sorta) functional drunkenness of Burton regular Helena Bonham Carter. Both women are superb as is Eva Green in all her cackling witch glory. Chloë Grace Moretz gives a performance that comes across as bizarre. However, I don’t blame her as much as I do the screenplay which doesn’t properly flesh out her character. The one actor I do blame for their lackluster work is the star, Johnny Depp. This is hard for me because I’m pretty much a Depp apologist, but he doesn’t seem to have his heart in this one.

Still, our hero isn't the most noticeable problem with Dark Shadows. More of an issue is how insecure director Tim Burton is in his storytelling. The movie never seems sure of what it wants to be. It takes turns at parody (including of self), family drama, and straight forward horror without the proper meshing of the genres. The seams are clearly visible. As a result, we feel like we’re switching back and forth between several different movies involving the same characters. Any of them could be good but none are allowed to gather enough steam. We never get into the right frame of mind to enjoy it because as soon as we start to settle in there’s an abrupt change in tone and we have to start all over. Other problems include prematurely discarding subplots, especially those of the children, and a werewolf inexplicably popping up out of nowhere.

The magic of the Depp/Burton connection seems to be waning. As mentioned, Depp’s performance is somewhat less than thrilling and the typically goth-chic visuals of Tim Burton feel peculiarly restrained and his narrative is all over the map. Even the star in his trademark white face paint and funny hairdo is now cliché. The last truly excellent effort produced by the pair is 2007’s morbid musical Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I like their following picture, 2010’s Alice in Wonderland, but that’s a polarizing film. This seems to be likewise.

MY SCORE: 5/10

[dell71]

]The Awakening
Directed by Nick Murphy.
2012. Rated R, 107 minutes
Cast:
Rebecca Hall
Dominic West
Imelda Staunton
Isaac Hempstead Wright
Lucy Cohu
Ian Hanmore
Cal Macaninch
John Shrapnel
Richard Durden

At the very beginning of The Awakening, we’re filled in on what’s been happening in our setting, early twentieth century London. People have been dying left and right with their demises being blamed on ghosts. Florence Cathcart (Hall) doesn't buy any of this. When we meet her, she’s busting up the operation of some phony medium. She’s also a best-selling author, having written a book definitively concluding there is no such thing as a ghost. Her book is so good, we’re told several times that most people keep it right next to their Bible. This makes zero sense because she clearly states that she has no use for religion, doesn't believe in God, or an after-life of any sort and implies that this is also made transparent in the book. Last I checked, Christians weren't too fond of such declarations, but whatever.

The point of it all is that Florence is hired to investigate the possible existence of a ghost at a boarding school for boys after one of its students has inexplicably died. Naturally, since the class photo from every year shows the same ghostly image, this is thought to be the work of some supernatural force. Within a few short scenes, our heroine solves the mystery of the boy’s death in a way awfully reminiscent of an episode of Scooby-Doo. The only thing missing is her unmasking the villain who then proclaims “I would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids!” But of course, strange things keep happening and the movie goes on. And on.

The rest of our time is spent is this dreary school watching Florence set traps for the alleged ghost, hearing noises and seeing the fleeting image of a little boy. It should go without saying she tries to follow the lad only to be led, inevitably, to a room with a large dollhouse. When she looks inside she sees the most recent events depicted with startling accuracy. Creepy. Oh, along the way she falls in love with Robert (West), the guy who hired her. She also befriends Maud (Staunton), the lady who seems to do everything inside the building and Tom (Wright), a friendless boy who likes talking to adults.

All told, it’s a very “meh” experience. The biggest problem is, as frightened as Florence gets, she never really appears to be in any danger. She seems to be cracking up, but that’s about it. The only question is whether or not this is a real ghost. Without her life being on the line it doesn't feel like that pressing an issue, either. Rebecca Hall plays the role well, but the situations are a tad benign to draw us to the edge of our seats.

Alas, we find out Florence’s life really is threatened. Here, the movie takes a bizarre turn that includes an attempted rape, single-person ping pong, another trip to the dollhouse and poisoning. This is all welcome because the pace thankfully picks up from the dreadfully slow trudge we've been enduring, even though it doesn't make a bunch of sense. The ending is confusing as we’re sure of one thing, but not another. When the credits roll, it feels like we've watched a rip-off of The Sixth Sense. Judging by that movie’s lofty status with critics and regular folk alike, most of you might feel that’s a good thing. Not to be a contrarian, but I didn't like The Sixth Sense. And since a copy is never as sharp as the original, I like The Awakening even less.

MY SCORE: 3/10

[dell71]

Duel
Directed by Steven Spielberg.
1971. Not Rated, 90 minutes.
Cast:
Dennis Weaver
Carey Loftin
Jacqueline Scott
Eddie Firestone
Lou Frizzell
Lucille Benson

Author Richard Matheson has been living with me lately. Of course I don’t mean this in the literal sense. After all, the man passed away earlier this year. However, his work has taken over my life the last few weeks. This has meant reading I Am Legend for the first time, then watching and re-watching the three official big screen adaptations of that work: The Last Man on Earth, The Omega Man, and I Am Legend. That was followed by a return to the text and then picking up my pen to give you the comparative analysis I call 3 Movies, 1 Book: I Am Legend. Why? It sounded like fun at the time. Was it? Yes, up until the time came to create the post. We’ll not go down that path.

We will travel down the road to another Matheson story, “Duel.” This one has its own bit of historical significance. For one, it is the last short story Matheson wrote that makes use of his recurring single man against the odds theme. Second, and most important to the history of American cinema, it is the first movie directed by Steven Spielberg to make it to the big screen. It was first a massively successful made-for-TV movie. A short while after airing, additional footage was shot and it was released in theaters overseas (and also in limited release here in the states). This is the version I am reviewing here.

Like much of Matheson’s work Duel depicts one man trying to survive a dire situation. This time, that situation begins in a way extremely familiar to most of us. While driving on a two-lane highway, on his way to a business meeting, David Mann (Weaver) comes upon a gigantic, slow moving, black smoke spewing, gnarly old tanker truck. When the coast is clear, he zips past the truck and gets back in the proper lane, ahead of the truck. Evidently, this pisses off the truck driver because he returns the favor and then some by refusing to let David get by him. This game of cat-and-mouse escalates rather quickly into the the truck driver trying to kill our hero.

Coming into Duel I knew that it was based on a Matheson story, Spielberg’s first, and that it heavily influenced “so bad it’s awesome” hall-of-famer The Car. Given that last fact, I was prepared for lots of cheesiness and unintentional humor. What surprised me is how effective this movie still is after forty plus years. Things become tense rather quickly and remain that way throughout. As it rolls along, we’re constantly wondering how David is going to shake this guy. More accurately, we wonder if he can shake the truck at all. The scenes of our two vehicles speeding along the highway keep the questions fresh in our minds. It helps tremendously that Spielberg actually shot them racing along a real stretch of road with some interesting topography as opposed to doing it in a studio with moving screens as many movies of the day had done, especially TV movies. This includes shooting the truck in a manner that makes us think it is moving incredibly fast. In fact, all of the film’s best visuals are of the truck including an amazing final shot. Still, like he would employ in Jaws a few years later, it’s what the director doesn't show that rattles us most.

As tense as those chase scenes are, the most nerve-jangling moments happen when our hero is not in his vehicle. The first of these is the diner scene. David knows that one of the other patrons is his assailant, but not which one. Later, David is reluctantly trying to help a stranded school bus while worrying about that tanker. Lastly, there is the scene where he stops at a gas station and tries to call for help. All of these work perfectly as linking scenes between the car chases. They amp up the tension rather than giving us a break.

The years have actually been kind to Duel. It has aged pretty well. Though some of the dialogue, played as thoughts from David’s head, come across as a bit hokey, Dennis Weaver’s performance is still an excellent avenue for our fears (memories?) of such a predicament. As long as there are people who feel invincible behind the wheel of whatever they are driving, this type of experience will always be with us. Aside from the model of David’s car, and how resilient it is, the most dated thing is the lack of cell phones. Having them would change or eliminate some scenes and may weaken the overall product. Not having them adds to the sense of isolation felt by our protagonist. Given the medium it was made for, and its age, this is a surprisingly gripping piece of American horror rooted in our everyday lives, not supernatural entities.

MY SCORE: 8/10