Dell's Pointless Lists: Fictional Movie Football Team

[dell71]

It's Super Bowl Weekend! Weather permitting, of course, Sunday is the final chance I will have to watch gladiators collide on the gridiron until fall rolls around again. I've scrolled through my massive mental database, and did some good ol' internet research to remind me of a few things, and formulated my all-time team comprised strictly of fictional football players from movies. And since I'm a football nut, and injuries happen, I'm not only going to give you starters, but back-ups wherever possible.

To make it a challenge, I've imposed a few rules upon myself:

1. I really do mean "fictional." None of these players are directly based on a real person. That means no Rudy, no one from Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, The Express, or any other "based on a true story" football flick.

2. This one goes hand-in-hand with the first rule and makes things even trickier. Characters played by people with NFL experience are not eligible. My apologies to Luther Lavay from Any Given Sunday (Lawrence Taylor), Deacon Moss from the remake of The Longest Yard (Michael Irvin), Bogdanski from the original The Longest Yard (Ray Nitschke) and all the other pros who took their talents to the silver screen.

3. The player doesn't have to be from a football movie, but there should be at least one actual football scene in their movie during which I can reasonably assume he/she is on the field. You're outta here, Johnny Utah from Point Break.

4. Players are to be judged as they are during the movie. Past success be damned, Jack "Cap" Rooney from Any Given Sunday is an old man!

5. The player should at least have a speaking part. Okay, this is more of a guideline than a hard rule.

We'll save the glamour boys on offense for last. Let's start with the least heralded players on any football roster...

Oh, as always feel free to tell me my choices suck....

 

[dell71]

Special Teams

<b>Place-Kicker</b> - Lucy Draper (Kathy Ireland), <em>Necessary Roughness</em>

<b>Punter</b> - Derek Wallace (Larry Gilliard Jr.), <em>The Waterboy</em>

<b>Kick/Punt Returner</b> - Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks), <em>Forrest Gump</em>​

One small issue, our team doesn't have a true punter. Wallace is really a place-kicker, but since punters are much more likely to be called on to actually hit someone, I'll slide him over instead of Lucy Draper and let him handle kickoff duties, as well. All Draper will have to do is keep putting the ball through the uprights, or Wallace will take over that job, too. These two beat out Nigel "The Leg" Gruff of <em>The Replacements</em>. Nice guy, but too willing to throw a game due to his gambling problems. Gump will handle the return game. He's not always locked in, but just hand him the ball and say "Run Forest, run!"

 

[dell71]

Defensive Line

<b>Starters:</b>

<b>Ends</b> - Steve Lattimer (Andrew Bryniarski), <em>The Program</em> and Sgt. Engleheart (Kevin Nash), <em>The Longest Yard (2005)</em>

<b>Tackles</b> - Phillip Finch (Tab Thacker), <em>Wildcats </em>and Samson (Richard Kiel), <i>The Longest Yard (1974)</i>

<b>Back-up</b> - Andre Krimm (Sinbad), <em>Necessary Roughness</em></div>​

Going with a 4-3 defense, here. Once you apply the criteria I'm using, the pool of linebackers thins out tremendously. That said, I'm excited about what we have up front. Sgt. Engleheart can be a little soft, but Lattimer more than makes up for him with his 'roided out insanity and passion for having a place at the table. Finch is a gentleman and a scholar, but at something like 400 lbs., he clogs the middle like nobody's business. Beside him, Samson is the d-line's secret weapon, but we have to be careful with him due to the fact he can go overboard. He might literally break your fucking neck. Krimm will keep things light in the locker-room and get spot duty.

 

[Houston]

I don't think I can forgive my man Duncan Pinderhughes from Class Act getting snubbed at the place-kicker position.

:hoodie:

 

[dell71]

View attachment 2100

I don't think I can forgive my man Duncan Pinderhughes from Class Act getting snubbed at the place-kicker position.

:hoodie:

Lucy's done it under pressure...and looks a hell of a lot better in a swimsuit. :smug:

 

[IamMedellin]

Oh man....

Shane Falco or STEAMIN' Willie Beaman

This' 'll be good

 

[Maynard]

Johnny Utah from Point Break.

what about the game on the beach? everyone is always looking to dis ohio state

Punter - Derek Wallace (Larry Gilliard Jr.), <em>The Waterboy</em>

Irony?

 

[Maynard]

btw, have you seen North Dallas Forty yet? cause a list without watching that film is not a list

 

[dell71]

btw, have you seen North Dallas Forty yet? cause a list without watching that film is not a list

http://www.virtualsportsnetwork.com...ovie-Reviews&p=1842198&viewfull=1#post1842198


Actually not as much there to pick from as you would think, given the criteria being used.

 

[dell71]

<b>Linebackers</b>

<b>Starters:</b>

<b>MLB</b> - Charles Jefferson (Forest Whitaker), <em>Fast Times at Ridgemont High</em>

<b>OLB</b> - Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), <em>The Waterboy</em>

<b>OLB</b> - Daniel Bateman (Jon Favreau), <em>The Replacements</em>


<b>Back-ups</b> - Becky "Icebox" O'Shea (Shawna Waldron), <em>Little Giants</em> and Alvin Mack (Duane Davis), <em>The Program</em>​

We have some issues with this unit, mainly a lack of depth and some odd mental quirks. First off, all of our starters like to man the middle. Charles Jefferson is a certified stud and gets that job. If he suspects the opposite team messed with his car then he is guaranteed to destroy them. Bates is just as vicious, even more so if we're playing someone wearing red. Bobby Boucher is the wildcard. As long as he can conjure up visions of all the things that have angered him, including his own mother, he's unblockable. He also has a thing about the water the team drinks. "Icebox" O'Shea is decidedly undersized, but she's also absolutely ferocious and will get plenty of snaps. As a bonus, she can fill in at fullback on offense, too, and maybe even play a little QB if we really get in a bind. We're saving a spot for Alvin Mack who suffered a knee injury that was thought to be career-ending. We're hoping the advances in medical technology since 1993 will get him back on the field.

 

[Buzzman]

I expect to see The Program pop up often.

 

[Glenbino]

Icebox over this guy?!?!?!?!



The Giants had the far superior offense in that game with Junior Floyd and Hot Hands.. Spike was the greatest LB talent of my youth by a landslide.

 

[dell71]

Icebox over this guy?!?!?!?!

View attachment 2104

The Giants had the far superior offense in that game with Junior Floyd and Hot Hands.. Spike was the greatest LB talent of my youth by a landslide.

 

Need him somewhere else. Don't tell anyone, yet.

 

[Glenbino]

 

Need him somewhere else. Don't tell anyone, yet.

Fair enough... But you will never live down the Gerry Bertier snub. NEVER!

 

[dell71]

Fair enough... But you will never live down the Gerry Bertier snub. NEVER!

Someone didn't read the rules.

1. I really do mean "fictional." None of these players are directly based on a real person. That means no Rudy, no one from Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, The Express, or any other "based on a true story" football flick.

 

[Glenbino]

Someone didn't read the rules.

 

[dell71]

Defensive Backfield

Starters:

<b>Cornerbacks</b> - Earl Wilkinson aka "Ray Smith" (Michael Jace), <em>The Replacements</em> and Trumaine (Wesley Snipes), <em>Wildcats</em>

<b>Safeties</b> - Guard Papajohn (Michael Papajohn), <em>The Longest Yard (2005)</em> and Stefan Djordjevic (Tom Cruise), <em>All the Right Moves</em>

<b>Back-up</b> - Spike Hammersmith (Sam Horrigan), <em>Little Giants</em>​

We have four solid DBs. Earl...ahem...Ray and Trumaine are a pair of ball hawks at the corners. Ray can help return kicks, too. We might be a bit shy on technique at the safety spot since both Papajohn and Djordjevic are actually corners, as well. Still, they are good players so they should pick things up nicely. Depth is a bit of a problem. We're going with the humongous-for-his-age, but still small Spike Hammersmith. He's best known as a tailback, but he's logged plenty of time in the secondary, has a serious mean streak, and is already built like a safety which is where he'll get the most time. Sure, his habit of referring to himself in the third person gets annoying rather quickly, but there's no denying raw talent.

 

[dell71]

Offensive Line

Starters:

<strong>Tackles</strong> - Bud "Lite" Kaminsky (Abraham Benrubi), <i>The Program</i> and Patrick "Madman" Kelly (Andrew Bryniarsky), <i>Any Given Sunday</i>

<strong>Guards</strong> - Billy Bob (Ron Lester), <i>Varsity Blues</i> and Andre "Action" Jackson (Michael Taliferro), <i>The Replacements</i>

<strong>Center</strong> - Manumana the Slender (Peter Tuiasosopo), <i>Necessary Roughness</i>


<strong>Back-ups - </strong>Jamal Jackson (Faizon Love), <i>The Replacements...</i>Jumbo (Ace Yonamine), <i>The Replacements...</i>Rudy "The Gas Man" Zoltek (Michael Zweiner), <i>Little Giants...</i>Turley (The Great Khali), <i>The Longest Yard (2005)</i>​

Bud "Lite" Kaminsky will be an absolute anchor at left tackle. "Madman" Kelly, on the opposite side, is nearly as good. He also bears a striking resemblance to defensive end Steve Lattimer. Manumana is a massive center who can take on multiple blockers even while handling snap duties. We're taking some chances with our guards, though. Billy Bob isn't in the best shape and is prone to concussions, but he's hard to move. He also might be able to sneak out and catch a pass or two. "Action" Jackson works best when his brother Jamal is on the field, who isn't starting. However, due to Billy Bob's issues we can foresee him getting a lot of time. Jumbo will also see some time, if for no other reason than he's, well, jumbo. Turley has an extremely low football IQ, or regular IQ, for that matter. Still, he's a mountain of a man who can play some d-line, also. "The Gas Man" will fill-in if we really get in a pinch. He is undersized, but has a rather potent secret weapon.

 

[dell71]

Receivers

<b>Starters:</b>

<b>Wide Receivers</b> - Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.), <i>Jerry Maguire</i> and Jimmy Sanderson (Bill Bellamy), <i>Any Given Sunday</i>

<b>Back-ups</b> - Charlie Tweeter (Scott Caan), <i>Varsity Blues</i>...Clifford Franklin (Orlando Jones), <i>The Replacements</i>...Phil Elliot (Nick Nolte), <i>North Dallas Forty</i>

<b>Tight End</b> - Brian Murphy (David Denman), <i>The Replacements</i>​

Tidwell is a money receiver. Literally. His recent willingness to go over the middle has elevated him to elite status. All I have to say about Sanderson is that he was the go-to-guy on a team that included Terrell Owens, and T.O. didn't even complain about it. Tweeter will work the slots. We just need to make sure we keep him out of the bars the night before games. Franklin is a little iffy in the hands department, but can stretch the field. We're not sure how much we can get out of Elliot. He goes through more than seems humanly possibly just to make it onto the field, but age is catching up with him. He still has great hands, though, so he'll be out there in key third-down situations. Plus, we might line him up at tight end from time to time, a position he's more suited to these days. We will have to. Brian Murphy is the team's only true tight end. We think we've got a good one despite the fact that he's deaf.

 

[j.hen]