Hasselbeck
Jus' bout dat action boss
1. Chiefs - An offensive lineman that you'll generally forget landed on the Chiefs
2. Jaguars - A player you weren't familiar with
3. Raiders - A fast, athletic disappointment
4. Eagles - A big name that causes Mel Kiper to gush out loud, but will surely disappoint Eagle fans everywhere.
5. Lions - A future convict
6. Browns - A decorated collegiate athlete, surefire professional bust
7. Cardinals - Surprisingly, a pick you really like
8. Bills - An "overdraft" (aka a Buffalo Bill)
9. Jets - "BOOO!"
10. Titans - A phenomenal athlete with minimal grasp of the English language
11. Chargers - A player that you're surprised was still available
12. Dolphins - A likely reach
13. Jets - "BOOOOOOOOO!"
14. Panthers - Something compared incorrectly to Julius Peppers or Cam Newton.
15. Saints - "I think this guy is going to help turnaround that defense" but then doesn't.
16. Rams - Something compared incorrectly to a Rams player circa 1999-2001.
17. Steelers - A "hard-nosed, tough as nails" defensive player. "True Steeler".
18. Cowboys - A "steal at 18". The chip that "puts them over"
19. Giants - A bad pick that looks better when compared to the Jets draft.
20. Bears - A player that won't save Jay Cutler from being on his back 90% of most Bears offensive series
21. Bengals - A player you really like, yet will underachieve for the next 4 seasons.
22. Rams - "Finally! Someone who can block!" but then doesn't
23. Vikings - An elite talent or Christian Ponder
24. Colts - Unless it's the #1 overall pick, you are not familiar with this player
25. Vikings - Probably Christian Ponder.
26. Packers - Someone "tough in the trenches" .. "embodies the franchise" may also be uttered here.
27. Texans - Someone that makes you give a shit about the Texans for 5 seconds, before ultimately not giving a shit about the Texans
28. Broncos - White guy
29. Patriots - Another white guy
30. Falcons - A pick you genuinely like
31. 49ers - Someone that will be touted as a "future star" and/or "steal", yet be listed as a "DNP" for entire 2013 season.
32. Ravens - A guy that you were screaming for your team to take and/or trade up for over the previous 3 hours.
EDIT TO INCLUDE TEAMS WITH NO FIRST ROUND PICK:
51. Redskins - Defensive player that somehow leads to 15 minute conversation about RGIII's knee
56. Seahawks - Perceived 6th round value that is taken 120 picks too high, eventual pro-bowler
2. Jaguars - A player you weren't familiar with
3. Raiders - A fast, athletic disappointment
4. Eagles - A big name that causes Mel Kiper to gush out loud, but will surely disappoint Eagle fans everywhere.
5. Lions - A future convict
6. Browns - A decorated collegiate athlete, surefire professional bust
7. Cardinals - Surprisingly, a pick you really like
8. Bills - An "overdraft" (aka a Buffalo Bill)
9. Jets - "BOOO!"
10. Titans - A phenomenal athlete with minimal grasp of the English language
11. Chargers - A player that you're surprised was still available
12. Dolphins - A likely reach
13. Jets - "BOOOOOOOOO!"
14. Panthers - Something compared incorrectly to Julius Peppers or Cam Newton.
15. Saints - "I think this guy is going to help turnaround that defense" but then doesn't.
16. Rams - Something compared incorrectly to a Rams player circa 1999-2001.
17. Steelers - A "hard-nosed, tough as nails" defensive player. "True Steeler".
18. Cowboys - A "steal at 18". The chip that "puts them over"
19. Giants - A bad pick that looks better when compared to the Jets draft.
20. Bears - A player that won't save Jay Cutler from being on his back 90% of most Bears offensive series
21. Bengals - A player you really like, yet will underachieve for the next 4 seasons.
22. Rams - "Finally! Someone who can block!" but then doesn't
23. Vikings - An elite talent or Christian Ponder
24. Colts - Unless it's the #1 overall pick, you are not familiar with this player
25. Vikings - Probably Christian Ponder.
26. Packers - Someone "tough in the trenches" .. "embodies the franchise" may also be uttered here.
27. Texans - Someone that makes you give a shit about the Texans for 5 seconds, before ultimately not giving a shit about the Texans
28. Broncos - White guy
29. Patriots - Another white guy
30. Falcons - A pick you genuinely like
31. 49ers - Someone that will be touted as a "future star" and/or "steal", yet be listed as a "DNP" for entire 2013 season.
32. Ravens - A guy that you were screaming for your team to take and/or trade up for over the previous 3 hours.
EDIT TO INCLUDE TEAMS WITH NO FIRST ROUND PICK:
51. Redskins - Defensive player that somehow leads to 15 minute conversation about RGIII's knee
56. Seahawks - Perceived 6th round value that is taken 120 picks too high, eventual pro-bowler
