More ass-hattery from that insufferable douche Gregg Easterbrook

[NAHSTE]

That's right, it's that time again! This week, Mr. TMQ was kind enough to bless us with his "All Unwanted Team" (similar to my All-Scrap Team, but probably with a little less racism).

Without further ado, let's take a look:

On Tuesday night, the NFL will announce its Pro Bowl rosters, and many megabucks glory-boy types will hear their names called. But the players who catch TMQ's eye are the unwanted -- performers who were undrafted, or waived, or both. Thus my annual Tuesday Morning Quarterback All-Unwanted All-Pros.

Whoever had the "Opening Paragraph" square in VSN's "guess when Easterbrook will shoehorn his tried and true 'megabucks-glory-boys' phrase into his column" pool, claim your prize at the front by giving your ticket to Darlene.

My All-Unwanted roster celebrates those who got where they are based on hard work and determination.

Two rare qualities to find in pro athletes, I know.

In most of life, hard work and determination are more important than social status or God-given talent. That's why Tuesday Morning Quarterback lauds hard work and determination on the part of football players who were not born into success but reached success through constant effort. They set a good example.

Anyone else want to drink a shot of whiskey with me on every mention of "hard work and dedication"? Because if you didn't get it the first three times, allow me to point out that Mr. Easterbrook appreciates HARD WORK and DEDICATION. As opposed to all those other NFL players who got where they were with soft leisure and casual disinterest.

Consider: This season's NFL leading rusher, Arian Foster, was undrafted, and he has outperformed dozens of high-choice, big-bonus glory boys. This season's NFL sack leader, Cameron Wake, was undrafted and has outperformed dozens of high-choice, big-bonus glory boys.

Okay, considering...

Consider: The Kansas City Chiefs, the NFL's No. 1 rushing team, start four unwanted players on their five-man offensive line -- players who weren't drafted, or were let go by other teams, or both.

Still considering ...

Consider: The New England Patriots, with the league's best record and highest-scoring offense, start seven undrafted players. When undrafted guard Stephen Neal went down injured, undrafted guard Ryan Wendell stepped in to replace him. Ten of the 22 Patriots' starters were undrafted or let go by other teams, or both.

Damn, this is a lot of considering. Not sure if I'm up for this.

And now, the Tuesday Morning Quarterback All-Unwanted Players of the Year.

Finally! My brain was getting hurt from all the considering he had us doing.

Runner-up. Cameron Wake, linebacker/defensive end, Miami. Undrafted out of college, Wake was waived by the New York Giants, then spent two seasons with the British Columbia Lions. For years, he was ignored by the NFL despite having played prep ball at DeMatha High School, which offers one of the country's very best combinations of athletics and academics,

You know who else was ignored by the NFL despite playing at DeMatha High School? Roughly 99.9 % of all DeMatha High School football players. That's the thing about the NFL, it's a tough club to crack.

then college ball at Penn State, known to scouts as Linebacker University.

If by "scouts" you mean fans and writers ... sure. But I'm fairly certain scouts don't really give a shit what a school's nickname is when they evaluate a player.

Despite setbacks, Wake did not quit. Hard work has made him the 2010 NFL sack leader.

No, leading the NFL in sacks this season made him the 2010 NFL sack leader.

Runner-up. Arian Foster, tailback, Houston. Foster was undrafted out of Tennessee and spent most of 2009 on the Houston Texans' practice squad. He did not give up and, through hard work, leads the NFL in rushing.

There's that phrase again. EASTERBROOK LIKES HARD WORK. GOT IT?!?!??!?!

Foster was a philosophy major in college, and his hobby is writing poetry -- showing you don't need to be totally obsessed with sports, ignoring the larger world, to be a good football player.

BUT YOU DO NEED HARD WORK!

Winners: Brent Grimes, cornerback, Atlanta, and Danny Woodhead, tailback, New England.

Somewhere, JT Raines is feeling vindicated. Oh, and Yawk just got his first boner.

Grimes, undrafted out of Division II Shippensburg, quietly has become one of the NFL's best defensive players.

No he hasn't, he's become a solid cornerback though.

In 2006, Grimes was signed and then waived by the Atlanta Falcons, then sent to the Amsterdam Admirals. He started his first game for the Falcons in 2008.

I know you have a required 200,000 word count, but you don't need to pad it by copying and pasting from his NFL.com bio.

This season, he leads Atlanta in interceptions and is the team's No. 2 tackler; it's rare for a cornerback to be a top tackler.

Thanks for spoon feeding me this sage wisdom, which would have otherwise escaped me, you pedantic asshat. Not that we should be lauding a cornerback for tackling ball carriers, since preventing players from possessing the ball is kind of their job ...

Atlanta, at 12-3, holds the inside track for the top NFC seed in no small part because of the performance of an undrafted small-school cornerback whose name many football enthusiasts don't even know.

Nothing better to support your claims than vague, impossible to prove assertions.

Of course at 5-foot-10, 181 pounds, he's "too small."

Only when he's getting dominated by bigger receivers, which happens a lot.

Woodhead, undrafted out of Division II Chadron State, was born in Nebraska but received no recruiting interest from the University of Nebraska despite a record-setting prep career -- because he is "too small" at 5-8.

Always good to attribute fake quotes to the Nebraska coaches and recruiting coordinators which you did not speak to.

On the day he left college, Woodhead was the all-time, all-division NCAA rushing leader, but he was not drafted.

You mean the guy who, in your previous sentence, you told us went undrafted out of Chadron State, did not get drafted after leaving Chadron State?

He spent two seasons with the Jets, mostly on the practice squad, then was waived. This season, he has gained 907 yards rushing and receiving for the Patriots -- his rushing average is 5.6 yards per carry -- and, though "too small," has become one of the NFL's best blitz-blocking backs.

Damn the NFL and their rigid height requirements for blitz-blocking.

Below, find the rest of my All-Unwanted All-Pros. My choices are based on how players actually performed in the 2010 season, not on how much publicity they received. And I'd take my All-Unwanted All-Pros in a game against a regular Pro Bowl squad any day of the week.

Congratufuckinlations. Hard work, underdogs, rahrahrahahrah. I'll take a team with the actual best players, and my team will kick the shit out of your team.

And ... here's the team ... assuming you still give a shit.

Offensive line: Tyson Clabo*, Atlanta (undrafted, waived by Broncos, Giants and Chargers); Kris Dielman, San Diego (undrafted, and had never played offensive line, in high school or college, before the NFL); Donald Penn*, Tampa (undrafted, waived by Minnesota); Ryan Lilja*, Kansas City (not recruited out of high school, undrafted, waived by Indianapolis after starting in the Super Bowl); Jeff Saturday*, Indianapolis (undrafted, cut by the Ravens, future Hall of Fame entrant and the 2007 Tuesday Morning Quarterback Non-Quarterback Non-Running Back NFL MVP).



Tight end: Antonio Gates, San Diego (undrafted, did not play college football).



Wide receivers: Brandon Lloyd*, Denver (waived by Washington and Chicago, started only seven games from 2007 to 2009, leads NFL in receiving yards); Wes Welker*, (undrafted, waived by San Diego, not recruited out of high school despite scoring 83 prep touchdowns, not drafted despite an NCAA-record eight punt return touchdowns in college; 2008 Unwanted Player of the Year).



Fullback: BenJarvus Green-Ellis*, New England (undrafted, waived once by his own team).



Running backs: Arian Foster, Houston (undrafted, leading NFL in rushing; undrafted Priest Holmes led the NFL in rushing in 2001); Fred Jackson*, Buffalo (undrafted out of Division III Coe College, played for the Sioux City Bandits).



Quarterback: Michael Vick, Philadelphia (waived by Atlanta; when released from prison, most NFL teams would not even talk to him).

Holy loopholes Batman... Yeah, he's not a megabucks glory boy at all. He was never drafted first overall, and his waiving had nothing to do with extenuating circumstances like Federal Prison. Michael Vick is truly the poster boy for working hard and flying under the radar.

No wonder you'd take this team, you fucking circumvented your own criteria.

Defensive line: Cameron Wake, Miami (undrafted); Antonio Garay*, San Diego (waived by the Browns, Bears and Jets); Jacques Cesaire, San Diego (undrafted out of Division II Southern Connecticut State); Cullen Jenkins, Green Bay (undrafted).



Linebackers: James Harrison*, Pittsburgh (undrafted, played for the Rhein Fire, cut by Ravens and once cut by the Steelers -- 2009 Tuesday Morning Quarterback Non-Quarterback Non-Running Back NFL MVP); Gary Guyton, New England (undrafted); Stephen Cooper, San Diego (undrafted out of Division I-AA Maine).

Defensive backs: Brent Grimes, Atlanta (undrafted); Jim Leonhard*, Jersey/B (undrafted after being a college walk-on, let go by Buffalo and Baltimore, 2009 TMQ Unwanted Player of the Year); Jacob Lacey, Indianapolis (undrafted because he is "too small," was an econ major in college); Jabari Greer, New Orleans (undrafted).

You guys see that? This guy was an Econ Major! ECON MAJOR! HARD WORK! SMART! See there? Not all football players are dummies! HARDWORK.


(There's a second team, but I don't even feel like making fun of this doucheturd any longer.)

(Except for this one part.)

Quarterback: Drew Brees, New Orleans (let go by San Diego, rejected by Miami when he offered to sign there because "too short," has won the Super Bowl and is on track for numerous passing records).

Yeah, it was his height that kept him from being a Dolphin. That surgically repaired shoulder and the subsequent failed physical had nothing to do with it. If only the Dolphins front office knew how tall he really was, he'd have never been courted for weeks and asked to endure a six-hour physical exam in the first place. They were under the impression, having never heard of this guy before and all, that he was a 6'6 behemoth. Boy, were they pissed when they finally saw him in person. Fucking midget tried to sneak his way onto an NFL team.


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Okay, I'm done. What a fucking dick.

 

[BrntO4Life]

I'm amazed you got that far into his article.

He and Pat Forde are two of the worst writers in the sports world.

 

[Hasselbeck]

Just take solace in the fact that fuck tards like this guy have jobs in sports writing, and many others do not

But yeah.. I never read this guys shit. It's painful.