On a lighter note, The Onion's NFL Preview...

[Rayman]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/onion-sports-2010-nfl-teambyteam-guide,18023/?slide=1

I lol'd hard at the Cowboys preview.

Strength: Yes, there are positives, but reading them will only make you angry and listing them will only make us angry

Weakness: Other than being the most infuriating, knuckle-whitening, I-want-to-throw-a-brick-through-my-television-set-when-I-watch-them team in the league, are a little weak at free safety

Intangibles: Fuck the Dallas Cowboys and every fucking thing they stand for; special teams

Biggest Question: Can they finally get over the hump and get back to the Super Bowl, and do they know how much that would depress the entire U.S. populace?

Rest of the league links at the bottom of the page.

 

[Primetime]

Green Bay Packers

Strength: After giving up 50 sacks in 2009, Green Bay's offensive line appears to have forgiven Aaron Rodgers for whatever he did

Weakness: With too many offensive weapons, thoughtful quarterback Aaron Rodgers may struggle with deciding who really deserves the ball the most

Player To Watch: Former first-round draft pick Justin Harrell is chasing down quarterbacks better than ever with his new motorized wheelchair

Intangibles: Wide range of veterans and young players may make it hard for the team to find common ground on movies and music they like

 

[Chrispy]

New York Jets

Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league

Weakness: New Jet Santonio Holmes claimed to have a great weed connect, but after hooking teammates up with total schwag, he has lots of ground to make up

Player To Watch: Quarterback Mark Sanchez, specifically his muscular thighs and perfectly sculpted ass

Biggest Question: Why exactly is everyone so optimistic about this team in the preseason every single year?

 

[Apocalypse]

Detroit Lions

Strength: Since they play in the NFC North, this team should get two easy wins when facing the lowly Lions

Weakness: Despite the prayers of fans, players, and coaches, it doesn't seem plausible that the Ford Field stadium will spontaneously collapse

Player To Watch: Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh has the power to burst through the offensive line, the speed to outrun coaches, and the endurance to hide in the parking lot until his contract ends

Biggest Question: Is this talent-rich roster willing to put in extra effort to get cut from the team?

 

[Scorask]

New England Patriots

Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old

Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies

Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady

Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these fucks will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow

 

[CrimsonGhost56]

lol they nailed the NYG's weakeness:

Weakness: No one but players able to afford entry into new $1.6 billion stadium

way too fucking true

 

[Maize]

My favorite was the Lions and Bears. Especially this:

Weakness: Lovie Smith spending majority of practice having players help him pack up his office.