Ok folks, week 1 is in the books despite the fear of a lockout ruining the season and while some things have changed, a lot has remained the same in the good 'ol NFL. The Browns still suck, Romo still chokes and the Colts without Peyton Manning are horrible. People may have thought Brady was on the downslide, but thanks to the Dolphins so called top tier secondary he seems as much the deity as ever before. Eli, the Bucs and the Steelers all proved overrated and the Cardinals defense made a rookie look like a veteran; or so say all the pundits.
We have plenty of teams and players to love, hate and just down right to be mean to, so with out further adue, here we go!!!!
- Green Bay Packers
So you say the Packers might have to worry about a Superbowl hangover? Yea, umm, they're gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you there... Aaron Rodgers threw for 300 plus yards and 3 td's to open their season with a 42-34 win over the Saints. The defense did let Drew Brees throw for 419 yards and 3 td's himself, but Green Bay got the W and that is all that matters in the end. For now the defending champs are 1-0.
- Baltimore Ravens
Does anyone know the last player to rush for 100 yards or more against the vaunted Steelers defense? If you said Ray Rice, then you guessed correctly. If you didn't know, then he did it again last Sunday just for people who may have forgotten. Also, in case anyone forgot, the Ravens are a contender and a bruising football team. With 7 turnovers, 3 of them picks off of Big Ben, 2 of which Ed Reed got, the Ravens took out a whole off-season of hearing how much better the Steelers were than them and they could never win against them. It would seem a whole fitty gallon drum of ass whoopin' was poured on the field at M&T Bank Stadium.
- Chicago Bears
OK, anyone who was sure that Jay Cutlulz was a bum and the Bears would struggle to be in games all year raise your hand... Ok all of us that raised our hands will now eat a full plate of crow, without water. Atlanta is supposed to be up and coming with an improving defense and franchise QB with the nick name Matty Ice. The only thing that was ice was Matty and the inept offense he ran. Of course, an angry and healthy Brian Urlacher showing us once again why he is Canton-bound didn't help either. Add to it a Falcons defense that could not keep up and what we have here is a beat down in progress. The NFC North looks dangerous this year, well three of the teams do anyways, and don't count the Bears out of it anytime soon.
- Houston Texans
I am not one of the people calling this the year the Texans go to the playoffs, but as long as they can play a Manning-less Colts they will have at least 2 wins in the division this year. So big-ups to the Texans for beating Vodak Collins, they join the long list of teams who have had the pleasure of watching him frown in the post game.
- Cincinnati Bungles
If you are wonder why I put them in the good or why I still called them the Bungles, well here are you answers:
1. They actually won a game! (It's true I checked. I didn't believe it either.)
And
2. In order to win said game, against the Browns no less, they had to get a lucky break on a play that was borderline cheating.
So hurrah! for the Bungles... I was sure they had a better shot at 0-16 than this.
- Jacksonville Jaguars
If I told you a team cut their starting QB 3 days before the start of the season you would assume they would have lost that game. However, if I then told you they were playing a team with Matt Hasselbeck starting at QB and a star running back who held out all preseason, well you still might think they lost, they are the Jags after all. Alas, it was not to be... Maurice Jones-Drew continued to show us he belongs on another team and Matt Hasselbeck is, well still the dumbass that claimed during the toss in OT he wanted the ball and he was gonna win isn't he? 1-0 for the Jags, which means at least 1 more game before Del Rio has to be escorted out.
- Buffalo Bills
I know it was the Chiefs and they do suck, but the Bills didn't just win, they beat down KC in their own house. As of right now Buffalo is tied for the lead in the AFC East. Celebrate while you can and circle them wagons!!!
- Philadelphia Eagles
It may have been poor play calling and a shallow depth chart that helped the Rams look so bad (more on this later) but The Green Machine got going nonetheless. This so called 'Dream Team' (believe me when I tell you that the only ones spreading this nonsense is them and Vince Young) has to win and win big or they will be labeled a failure. 1 down, 15 to go.
- Detroit Lions
Holy turnaround Batman! Well, not quite yet, it is only 1 win, but this the team that just a few short years ago was 0-16. The Bucs were supposed to be a contender this year, though right now that only seems to be coming from a few homers (cough*BB*cough), the Lions can only beat the teams in front of them and they did just that. Stafford threw for 305 yards and 3 td's and the defense didn't give up a touch down until late in the 4th quarter. It is always easy to be on the way up if you win, and right now this team is tied with 15 others for the best record in the NFL. For Detroit, even that fake stat is something to be proud of.
- Cam Newton
You be asking yourself why I didn't title this part the Carolina Panthers and the answer is they lost. However, Cam Newton, a rookie, threw for 422 yards and while it was against such a stalwart of defense as the Arizona Cardinals, it was still 422 yards. Not all of his detractors need to hush, but some of them do and this will help. Good job Cam... now try doing it in a win.
- Washington Redskins
There is no way anyone anywhere that is not an idiot picked this game this way. No one in their right mind, or not a homer, would think that a Rex Grossman lead team could win a game, let alone a division game against the Giants. Well, this is why the play the game... congrats Sexy Rexy.
- New York Jets
Rex and his band of merry men best be sending flowers or fruit backets to Tony Romo for this win. Call it luck, call it a choke, call it what you will, but this game was over until Romo gagged. A win is a win though and it is not like a loss would have shut Coach Ryan up anyways.
- Oakland Raiders
I guess a sloppy win is still a win. The only kicker to be a team's number one overall is still in the league and apparently beer is a performance enhancer. It took a 63 yard field goal to win, way to go Seabass!!!!!
- New England Patriots
I opened my email today and found this message:
To Whom it May Concern;
I have heard the rumblings about the so called greatness of the Miami Dolphins corners >link< and I was not amused. Monday night I reminded them that they are indeed human and will be humble or they will be humbled. The Golden Boy has spoken...
Love,
Well, I don't think I have anything to add to that, so on to the musical interlude...
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJrbHapH5pM&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL08427A3851C63AB1]Skid Row - Youth Gone Wild (music video) HQ - YouTube[/ame]
And now back to the pontificating we go with the not so good, aka:
- New Orleans Saints
No, it's not time to put the bags back on and drag out the 'Aint's just yet, but this is not a good sign. Since when are the Saints the kind of team that runs the ball up the gut? They let Reggie Bush go and now they think they have a power running game or something? A few more of this kind of play calling on the goal line and Sean Payton will see what it is really like to be boo'ed.
- Atlanta Falcons
Wow... 12 points? All this team supposedly needed was a wide receiver and 12 points is all you can get? I am so flabbergasted I can't even laugh at you... well maybe a little..
Whew... I feel better now. Hey Matty, look out Urlacher is behind you...
- Tennessee Titans
While I am sure almost anyone is an upgrade from Carey Collins and Vince Young, I think the list shouldn't have included Matt Hasselbeck. I never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the pack, but this one seemed pretty obvious to me. How bad is Jake Locker to have to sit behind this guy? Maybe they knew it was gonna be rough and wanted him to gain confidence in seeing how it is not to be done or something... who the hell knows what these coaches are thinking anyways...
- St. Louis Rams
The First drive was good, but the rest of the game... not so much. Steven Jackson, Danny Amendola and QB Sam Bradford all suffered injuries in the loss and it seems I have found one fan not locked in the looney bin on suicide watch to comment on their team:
Spags on the hotseat already? Only time will tell I guess. Just look at this way, with no wins you can only get better... right?
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
So how does it feel to lose to the Lions? Shocking we could not get any Bucs fans to talk to us due to their feet being crammed in their mouth.
And now for a word from our sponsor...
"Have you ever wanted to be able to talk right through running out of breath? Do you like to use out dated TV, Movie and sports references only someone 80 years old would get? If so, have we got the perfect product for you!!!
From the Makers of the Talk like Emmet Smiff and How to Destroy a Team comes a two DVD set guaranteed to make you both annoying and played out in no time at all. Presenting the Chris Berman 'This Schtick Never Gets Old' language program!
Now You to will be able to bore people to death while speaking with classics like:
- Continuing to talk while you take a breath
- Claiming to be an expert at picking games and then being dead wrong
- Using Rod Stewart and Reo Speedwagon song names mixed in with payers names
- Saying 'He Could Go All the Way' at all the wrong times, or during an Applebee's Commercial
- Adding a brilliant 'whoop!' sound anytime someone makes a quick move
... And many more. Call now and we will include the Tommy Jackson guide to co-hosting the Highlights. Complete will his patented 'Yea Boomer he just moved right out of the way and you just can't teach that!' line. Just dial 1-800-ESPN-NEEDSWEBLOOD right now!!!"
And now back to our regularly scheduled idiocy...
It is now the part of the GBU that everyone loves to hate, especially if you're a Cowboys fan. It ain't pretty and it ain't good, it is just plain...
- Pittsburg Steelers
Unreal I have to do this, but I call 'em like I see 'em...
The Steelers looked like the Browns and Bungles all rolled into one this week and it needs to be fixed fast. The Ravens ran all over the defense and turned Big Ben into Tommy Maddox. This was an old fashion beat down and the Steelers looked helpless. If they want to have any hope of at least 8-8 they best get it together fast.
- Indianapolis Colts
I have been saying for years this is what will happen is Manning goes down. So here ya go...
Have fun in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes...
- Cleveland Browns
So close yet so far away huh guys? It is not bad enough that you lost the Bungles, but you had to do it on a play that you weren't even ready for. You guys do know you can call time out right? The countdown for the next head coach is on...
- Kansas Shitty Chiefs
So Todd Haley got rid of Charlie Weiss to improve his offense... How's that working out for ya Todd? 7 points against the Bills is really moving on up huh? I would tell you not worry at it because Detroit is up next, but they don't as bad you do anymore. Have fun fellas...
- Minnesota Vikings
I can barley keep a straight face while typing this. Favre retires so you trade away Tavaris Jackson to bring in Donovan McNabb. Now I was sure this was a misprint and maybe just a 1st quarter line, but I assure you, it is a full game stat line...
D. McNabb 7/15 for 39yrds, 1td.
Yes that says 39 yards. They still only lost by 7, but 0-1 is 0-1. I wonder how this affect Ziggy's attempt to get a new stadium built next year…
- The New York Football Giants
LOL... You guys lost to Rex Grossman... wow. I am actually lost for words...
- Dallas Cowboys
Ok, now I don't want to hear any crying from you Dallas homers. Your team, more to the point your QB, choked. The Steelers may have been beat down, but they were never in it. You had a 14 point lead and let Mark Sanchez come back and beat you. They are calling for Romo's head all over sports talk land, but it may be the owner they need to aim their barbs at. I won't say I am sad... who am I kidding? Anytime Dallas loses, especially like this I love it. Someone give Romo the Heimlich before he passes out already.
- Miami Dolphins
Before I post this let it be known the Benny Sapp is now on the waiver wire to avoid him being beat like a drum all year. What you are about to see is the NBA equivalent of being posterized. Please use discretion while watching this as it is not pretty and may be upsetting to some people...
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuCGet0bNlY]Wes Welker 99 Yard TD catch and run - YouTube[/ame]
Well people that is all for this week. Tune in next week when we will hear Bill Polian say 'Kerry Collins? Never heard of him..." Until then send all your love letters and hate mail to gbu_central@yahoo.com and remember that this opinion and $53.20 will get you a like new tire for your truck.
We have plenty of teams and players to love, hate and just down right to be mean to, so with out further adue, here we go!!!!
The Good
- Green Bay Packers
So you say the Packers might have to worry about a Superbowl hangover? Yea, umm, they're gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you there... Aaron Rodgers threw for 300 plus yards and 3 td's to open their season with a 42-34 win over the Saints. The defense did let Drew Brees throw for 419 yards and 3 td's himself, but Green Bay got the W and that is all that matters in the end. For now the defending champs are 1-0.
- Baltimore Ravens
Does anyone know the last player to rush for 100 yards or more against the vaunted Steelers defense? If you said Ray Rice, then you guessed correctly. If you didn't know, then he did it again last Sunday just for people who may have forgotten. Also, in case anyone forgot, the Ravens are a contender and a bruising football team. With 7 turnovers, 3 of them picks off of Big Ben, 2 of which Ed Reed got, the Ravens took out a whole off-season of hearing how much better the Steelers were than them and they could never win against them. It would seem a whole fitty gallon drum of ass whoopin' was poured on the field at M&T Bank Stadium.
- Chicago Bears
OK, anyone who was sure that Jay Cutlulz was a bum and the Bears would struggle to be in games all year raise your hand... Ok all of us that raised our hands will now eat a full plate of crow, without water. Atlanta is supposed to be up and coming with an improving defense and franchise QB with the nick name Matty Ice. The only thing that was ice was Matty and the inept offense he ran. Of course, an angry and healthy Brian Urlacher showing us once again why he is Canton-bound didn't help either. Add to it a Falcons defense that could not keep up and what we have here is a beat down in progress. The NFC North looks dangerous this year, well three of the teams do anyways, and don't count the Bears out of it anytime soon.
- Houston Texans
I am not one of the people calling this the year the Texans go to the playoffs, but as long as they can play a Manning-less Colts they will have at least 2 wins in the division this year. So big-ups to the Texans for beating Vodak Collins, they join the long list of teams who have had the pleasure of watching him frown in the post game.
- Cincinnati Bungles
If you are wonder why I put them in the good or why I still called them the Bungles, well here are you answers:
1. They actually won a game! (It's true I checked. I didn't believe it either.)
And
2. In order to win said game, against the Browns no less, they had to get a lucky break on a play that was borderline cheating.
So hurrah! for the Bungles... I was sure they had a better shot at 0-16 than this.
- Jacksonville Jaguars
If I told you a team cut their starting QB 3 days before the start of the season you would assume they would have lost that game. However, if I then told you they were playing a team with Matt Hasselbeck starting at QB and a star running back who held out all preseason, well you still might think they lost, they are the Jags after all. Alas, it was not to be... Maurice Jones-Drew continued to show us he belongs on another team and Matt Hasselbeck is, well still the dumbass that claimed during the toss in OT he wanted the ball and he was gonna win isn't he? 1-0 for the Jags, which means at least 1 more game before Del Rio has to be escorted out.
- Buffalo Bills
I know it was the Chiefs and they do suck, but the Bills didn't just win, they beat down KC in their own house. As of right now Buffalo is tied for the lead in the AFC East. Celebrate while you can and circle them wagons!!!
- Philadelphia Eagles
It may have been poor play calling and a shallow depth chart that helped the Rams look so bad (more on this later) but The Green Machine got going nonetheless. This so called 'Dream Team' (believe me when I tell you that the only ones spreading this nonsense is them and Vince Young) has to win and win big or they will be labeled a failure. 1 down, 15 to go.
- Detroit Lions
Holy turnaround Batman! Well, not quite yet, it is only 1 win, but this the team that just a few short years ago was 0-16. The Bucs were supposed to be a contender this year, though right now that only seems to be coming from a few homers (cough*BB*cough), the Lions can only beat the teams in front of them and they did just that. Stafford threw for 305 yards and 3 td's and the defense didn't give up a touch down until late in the 4th quarter. It is always easy to be on the way up if you win, and right now this team is tied with 15 others for the best record in the NFL. For Detroit, even that fake stat is something to be proud of.
- Cam Newton
You be asking yourself why I didn't title this part the Carolina Panthers and the answer is they lost. However, Cam Newton, a rookie, threw for 422 yards and while it was against such a stalwart of defense as the Arizona Cardinals, it was still 422 yards. Not all of his detractors need to hush, but some of them do and this will help. Good job Cam... now try doing it in a win.
- Washington Redskins
There is no way anyone anywhere that is not an idiot picked this game this way. No one in their right mind, or not a homer, would think that a Rex Grossman lead team could win a game, let alone a division game against the Giants. Well, this is why the play the game... congrats Sexy Rexy.
- New York Jets
Rex and his band of merry men best be sending flowers or fruit backets to Tony Romo for this win. Call it luck, call it a choke, call it what you will, but this game was over until Romo gagged. A win is a win though and it is not like a loss would have shut Coach Ryan up anyways.
- Oakland Raiders
I guess a sloppy win is still a win. The only kicker to be a team's number one overall is still in the league and apparently beer is a performance enhancer. It took a 63 yard field goal to win, way to go Seabass!!!!!
- New England Patriots
I opened my email today and found this message:
To Whom it May Concern;
I have heard the rumblings about the so called greatness of the Miami Dolphins corners >link< and I was not amused. Monday night I reminded them that they are indeed human and will be humble or they will be humbled. The Golden Boy has spoken...
Love,
Well, I don't think I have anything to add to that, so on to the musical interlude...
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJrbHapH5pM&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL08427A3851C63AB1]Skid Row - Youth Gone Wild (music video) HQ - YouTube[/ame]
And now back to the pontificating we go with the not so good, aka:
The Bad
- New Orleans Saints
No, it's not time to put the bags back on and drag out the 'Aint's just yet, but this is not a good sign. Since when are the Saints the kind of team that runs the ball up the gut? They let Reggie Bush go and now they think they have a power running game or something? A few more of this kind of play calling on the goal line and Sean Payton will see what it is really like to be boo'ed.
- Atlanta Falcons
Wow... 12 points? All this team supposedly needed was a wide receiver and 12 points is all you can get? I am so flabbergasted I can't even laugh at you... well maybe a little..
Whew... I feel better now. Hey Matty, look out Urlacher is behind you...
- Tennessee Titans
While I am sure almost anyone is an upgrade from Carey Collins and Vince Young, I think the list shouldn't have included Matt Hasselbeck. I never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the pack, but this one seemed pretty obvious to me. How bad is Jake Locker to have to sit behind this guy? Maybe they knew it was gonna be rough and wanted him to gain confidence in seeing how it is not to be done or something... who the hell knows what these coaches are thinking anyways...
- St. Louis Rams
The First drive was good, but the rest of the game... not so much. Steven Jackson, Danny Amendola and QB Sam Bradford all suffered injuries in the loss and it seems I have found one fan not locked in the looney bin on suicide watch to comment on their team:
Warner2BruceTD said:
Spags on the hotseat already? Only time will tell I guess. Just look at this way, with no wins you can only get better... right?
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
So how does it feel to lose to the Lions? Shocking we could not get any Bucs fans to talk to us due to their feet being crammed in their mouth.
And now for a word from our sponsor...
"Have you ever wanted to be able to talk right through running out of breath? Do you like to use out dated TV, Movie and sports references only someone 80 years old would get? If so, have we got the perfect product for you!!!
From the Makers of the Talk like Emmet Smiff and How to Destroy a Team comes a two DVD set guaranteed to make you both annoying and played out in no time at all. Presenting the Chris Berman 'This Schtick Never Gets Old' language program!
Now You to will be able to bore people to death while speaking with classics like:
- Continuing to talk while you take a breath
- Claiming to be an expert at picking games and then being dead wrong
- Using Rod Stewart and Reo Speedwagon song names mixed in with payers names
- Saying 'He Could Go All the Way' at all the wrong times, or during an Applebee's Commercial
- Adding a brilliant 'whoop!' sound anytime someone makes a quick move
... And many more. Call now and we will include the Tommy Jackson guide to co-hosting the Highlights. Complete will his patented 'Yea Boomer he just moved right out of the way and you just can't teach that!' line. Just dial 1-800-ESPN-NEEDSWEBLOOD right now!!!"
And now back to our regularly scheduled idiocy...
It is now the part of the GBU that everyone loves to hate, especially if you're a Cowboys fan. It ain't pretty and it ain't good, it is just plain...
UGLY!!!
- Pittsburg Steelers
Unreal I have to do this, but I call 'em like I see 'em...
The Steelers looked like the Browns and Bungles all rolled into one this week and it needs to be fixed fast. The Ravens ran all over the defense and turned Big Ben into Tommy Maddox. This was an old fashion beat down and the Steelers looked helpless. If they want to have any hope of at least 8-8 they best get it together fast.
- Indianapolis Colts
I have been saying for years this is what will happen is Manning goes down. So here ya go...
Have fun in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes...
- Cleveland Browns
So close yet so far away huh guys? It is not bad enough that you lost the Bungles, but you had to do it on a play that you weren't even ready for. You guys do know you can call time out right? The countdown for the next head coach is on...
- Kansas Shitty Chiefs
So Todd Haley got rid of Charlie Weiss to improve his offense... How's that working out for ya Todd? 7 points against the Bills is really moving on up huh? I would tell you not worry at it because Detroit is up next, but they don't as bad you do anymore. Have fun fellas...
- Minnesota Vikings
I can barley keep a straight face while typing this. Favre retires so you trade away Tavaris Jackson to bring in Donovan McNabb. Now I was sure this was a misprint and maybe just a 1st quarter line, but I assure you, it is a full game stat line...
D. McNabb 7/15 for 39yrds, 1td.
Yes that says 39 yards. They still only lost by 7, but 0-1 is 0-1. I wonder how this affect Ziggy's attempt to get a new stadium built next year…
- The New York Football Giants
LOL... You guys lost to Rex Grossman... wow. I am actually lost for words...
- Dallas Cowboys
Ok, now I don't want to hear any crying from you Dallas homers. Your team, more to the point your QB, choked. The Steelers may have been beat down, but they were never in it. You had a 14 point lead and let Mark Sanchez come back and beat you. They are calling for Romo's head all over sports talk land, but it may be the owner they need to aim their barbs at. I won't say I am sad... who am I kidding? Anytime Dallas loses, especially like this I love it. Someone give Romo the Heimlich before he passes out already.
- Miami Dolphins
Before I post this let it be known the Benny Sapp is now on the waiver wire to avoid him being beat like a drum all year. What you are about to see is the NBA equivalent of being posterized. Please use discretion while watching this as it is not pretty and may be upsetting to some people...
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuCGet0bNlY]Wes Welker 99 Yard TD catch and run - YouTube[/ame]
Well people that is all for this week. Tune in next week when we will hear Bill Polian say 'Kerry Collins? Never heard of him..." Until then send all your love letters and hate mail to gbu_central@yahoo.com and remember that this opinion and $53.20 will get you a like new tire for your truck.
