Week 2 is in the books and it leaves us with some interesting numbers...
8... is the number of 2-0 teams, and it is also the number of 0-2 teams.
24... is the number of penalties the Bucs have against them so far this year. To make matters worse, Josh Freeman has completed just 23 passes.
90... is the total points scored by the Broncos in the first two games this year. 24 of them have come in the first half, and none of them in the first quarter.
95... is the most passes attempts so far this year, and that 'honor' belongs to Joe Flacco.
What do all these numbers mean? What can we glean from these metrics that can help us provide an insight into what the season will hold? What expert analysis by the GBU staff are we about to lay on you so you can sound smart talking about the NFL?
Not a damn thing. Not one single thing, I just need to fill up the intro space and since ESPN fills it's air time with useless info I just wanted to be cool too...
By the way, I TOLD YOU DALLAS SUCKED!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Ahem, sorry... Now on to the meat for week 2...
- New England Patriots
Despite the NFL being stupid and greedy by putting games on Thursday when it is not Thanksgiving and producing ugly over-hyped games, the Pats did improve to 2-0. Brady still has no one to throw it to but that isn't stopping them from winning.
- Atlanta Falcons
Alright a win!! Newly acquired Steven Jackson finally scored for you, and then went out with an injury. Good thing you have Julio Jones. A win keeps you out the panic mode section for now.
- Buffalo Bills
A win is a win, ugly or not, by one point or 100. It was the Carolina Skunks, but you can only play who they schedule you against I suppose. The rookie QB played well enough to win and even though he cried we will let him enjoy it... for now.
- Chicago Bears
2-0 and both wins 4th quarter comebacks. Are you sure Jay Cutler is still their QB? Urlacher is gone but they still have the 5th ranked D and with the hapless Steelers up next 3-0 is definitely a possibility. Also a welcome back to Hester to the end zone on special teams.
- Houston Texans
The Texans are just rolling along... so far. With the Colts falling this week the Texans get the big boy chair in the AFC South and it might not be premature to say it is theirs to lose. Not because they are good, but because the rest of the division is not that good.
- Green Bay Packers
Well, is there anyone that is still decrying this team and pushing the panic button? Aaron Rodgers threw for 480 yards and 4 td's in his trouncing of the Skins. Running back James Starks added 132 on the ground and a score to add to the blow out. The Pack goes to Cincy next.
- Miami Dolphins
2-0. Nope that is not a misprint, and they are tied for the division lead!!! Easy there my aquatic mammal friends, you still haven't played the Pats and that offense is 27th with the D not much better at 21st so let's just take it one game at a time.
- Kansas City Chiefs
I don't know which is more perplexing; The fact that the Chiefs have 2 wins before week 13 or that an Andy Reid coached team has more that 50 rushing attempts before week 15. Either way, the Red Arrow and Andy's Mustache get the short week shaft and play TNF in Philly. 3-0? Just the possibility is enough to celebrate for this team.
- San Diego Chargers
Good for you Bolts... you won a game. Gave up 30 points, but you won. Woo-figgin-hoo. That is all.
- New Orleans Saints
Oh when the Saints,
Got Sean Payton back,
They starting winning,
and marched in, and out and all around to W's.
(Jay-Z I ain't...)
- Denver Broncos
What is going to happen when these guys start scoring in all 4 quarters? I will give you a clue, it starts with beat and ends with down. Manning is rolling and next up is the Radiers? Come on man!!!!
- Seattle Seahawks
Last week I put them in the bad for their 5 point win over Carolina. This week they stomped a mud hole in the 9ers. Does this mean since I put them in the good they will suck it up next week? Why would it matter where I put them? I don't affect the games dummies!!! BTW, trash talk backed up is called confidence, so carry on Mr. Sherman.
- Cincinnati Bengals
The Bungles tried to come out with 9 penalties but thanks to the inept team they faced and a decent running game the Bengals prevailed. This team is supposed to be poised to take that next step and beating divsion rivals will always advance that cause. Green Bay is coming in hot next though so we shall see...
Now as is tradition, a musical interlude:
We now return you to our regularly scheduled nonsensical musings...
- New York Jets
The good news? Mark Sanchez will never play another down for your team. The bad? You're still the Jets. Carry on...
- Baltimore Ravens
What's that? You won? You struggled to beat the Browns, aka Cleveland Community College JV Team. Keep airing it out and believing the loss of the ball hawk and that convict that played middle linebacker didn't hurt your D.
- Minnesota Vikings
Ok, what is going on here people? Run back the opening kickoff... that was good. Letting Hester do it right back, that is bad. I realize you don't have a quarterback but do you? Christian Ponder should have 20 pass attempts at most and he has more of them than AD has carries. Which part of feed the beast and let the defense play is being misunderstood here?!?!
- Washington Redskins
Ok, someone needs to let RG III know what time the game starts because it seems he has been about an hour and a half late to both games this year. The good news? The entire division lost this week so even at 0-2 you aren't dead just yet.
- Philadelphia Eagles
Ok, you guys got that scoring thing down pretty good, now how about some defense? Scoring 30 a game is a good thing, allowing it not so much. Have fun on TNF.
- Oakland Raiders
Yea, yea... you beat the Jaguars. But you let them score more than 2 points. Congrats on the winning the battle for who can suck less in week 2.
- Detroit Lions
Megatron looks good, Stafford not so bad, Suh is dirty and now Bush is hurt. What does it all mean? Business as usual... a big ol' L.
Now for a word from our sponsor this week;
The Bill Belicheat school of Public Relations:
<In the drollest monotone I can muster>
Have you ever been at a press conference and wanted to put as little emotion and effort in your responses as possible? Has there ever been a time when you wish you could speak in a way that is both condescending and uninformative while frustrating those asking you the questions? Well, if you said yes, I have the perfect system for you; The Tattered Sweater Production company proudly present an instructional film by Bill Bellicheat and inspired by Lurch himself.
That's right folks for just $1.99, plus $8.5 million per year in processing, you too can say nothing and make people want to choke you out. Here is a great example"
Reporter: Coach! Coach! Your team just won the Super Bowl for the third time! How do you feel?!?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: Ok... Hey I just got a call, your wife is leaving you... that's horrible... are you OK Coach?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: What the... Wow, you are a cool customer! Hey we are getting reports that your daughter gave birth to your grandson just a few minutes ago, congratulations sir! What do you have to say to her?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Report: Damn, high standards in the Bellicheat family huh? You have anything to say about the accusations of the three super models that say you had sex with them in the locker room at half time?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: Come on man! I am just trying to do my job... help me out a little will ya??!!!
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
<scene closes will reporter being restrained from choking Coach Bellicheat, all while he utters... "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time.">
That's right folks it works for the Coach and it can work for you too!!! Call now and we will throw in the Tom Brady guide to winning aptly titled 'Who are you and why are you lined up at wide receiver in a Pats uniform?' for free! Call 1-800-I-have-the-personality-of-a-wet-paper-bag right now!
And now back to the action with a call out for being the worst of the worst, yet still being a millionaire. It time to get to:
- Cleveland Browns
Hey look at that? Cleveland looks like a D-3 college team could take them. Honestly, who is really suprised by this?
- Carolina Skunks
Ron Rivera is Norv Turner in a Ron Rivera suit. How did this guy get a head coaching job anyways? This not a horrible team, they just are really good at finding ways to lose. They get to play the strug-a-ling G-men next so maybe they can get a tick in the W column, then again...
- Dallas Cowoys
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
I told you they sucked.
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
- New York Football Giants
No running game, no defense and now Eli catches Romo-itis and throws redzone int's at the same rate his big brother throws TD's. Maybe it is bizarro world in East Rutherford, or maybe the Giants just suck. Either way the Tuna does not approve...
- Jacksonville Jaguars
11. That is this teams point total for the first two games. Tim Tebow is on line two...
- San Francisco 49ers
You got man handled in a division battle. That is the true meaning of ugly. Come on man!!!!
- Pittsburgh Steelers
I have thrown every penny into the wishing well I could find and this is what I wished:
Todd Haley gets hit by a bus.
Ben gets some time to throw the ball and also can actually throw it near them.
A middle linebacker I have heard of.
Issac Redman to be benched permanently.
The truth is even if all these things were to come true a top ten pick would still be in our future. The Steelers just look bad and the only one shocked is them. I just hope we can beat the Browns.
-TNF
This is the true meaning of money grabbing at it's worst. Short weeks in an era when player safety is supposed to be at the forefront of all the NFL is doing? They already limit the amount of reps in practice and we get a sub standard product forced on us just so the NFL Network can have games. The sad part is that the quality doesn't matter to the NFL, only that they can force cable companies to accept their terms and drive the price of their product higher. The almighty dollar is number one, and the sad fact is player safety isn't even number 2.
That is all we have for this week people, tune in next week when we'll hear RG III say 'What do you mean there are 4 quarters in the game?' Send all hate mail, love letters and death threats to gbu_central@yahoo.com and find us on Facebook (The GBU) and twitter @GBUCentral and as always remember this is just my opinion and that and $8.55 plus tax will get you a stoplight switch for a 1999 Ford Tarus.
8... is the number of 2-0 teams, and it is also the number of 0-2 teams.
24... is the number of penalties the Bucs have against them so far this year. To make matters worse, Josh Freeman has completed just 23 passes.
90... is the total points scored by the Broncos in the first two games this year. 24 of them have come in the first half, and none of them in the first quarter.
95... is the most passes attempts so far this year, and that 'honor' belongs to Joe Flacco.
What do all these numbers mean? What can we glean from these metrics that can help us provide an insight into what the season will hold? What expert analysis by the GBU staff are we about to lay on you so you can sound smart talking about the NFL?
Not a damn thing. Not one single thing, I just need to fill up the intro space and since ESPN fills it's air time with useless info I just wanted to be cool too...
By the way, I TOLD YOU DALLAS SUCKED!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Ahem, sorry... Now on to the meat for week 2...
The Good
- New England Patriots
Despite the NFL being stupid and greedy by putting games on Thursday when it is not Thanksgiving and producing ugly over-hyped games, the Pats did improve to 2-0. Brady still has no one to throw it to but that isn't stopping them from winning.
- Atlanta Falcons
Alright a win!! Newly acquired Steven Jackson finally scored for you, and then went out with an injury. Good thing you have Julio Jones. A win keeps you out the panic mode section for now.
- Buffalo Bills
A win is a win, ugly or not, by one point or 100. It was the Carolina Skunks, but you can only play who they schedule you against I suppose. The rookie QB played well enough to win and even though he cried we will let him enjoy it... for now.
- Chicago Bears
2-0 and both wins 4th quarter comebacks. Are you sure Jay Cutler is still their QB? Urlacher is gone but they still have the 5th ranked D and with the hapless Steelers up next 3-0 is definitely a possibility. Also a welcome back to Hester to the end zone on special teams.
- Houston Texans
The Texans are just rolling along... so far. With the Colts falling this week the Texans get the big boy chair in the AFC South and it might not be premature to say it is theirs to lose. Not because they are good, but because the rest of the division is not that good.
- Green Bay Packers
Well, is there anyone that is still decrying this team and pushing the panic button? Aaron Rodgers threw for 480 yards and 4 td's in his trouncing of the Skins. Running back James Starks added 132 on the ground and a score to add to the blow out. The Pack goes to Cincy next.
- Miami Dolphins
2-0. Nope that is not a misprint, and they are tied for the division lead!!! Easy there my aquatic mammal friends, you still haven't played the Pats and that offense is 27th with the D not much better at 21st so let's just take it one game at a time.
- Kansas City Chiefs
I don't know which is more perplexing; The fact that the Chiefs have 2 wins before week 13 or that an Andy Reid coached team has more that 50 rushing attempts before week 15. Either way, the Red Arrow and Andy's Mustache get the short week shaft and play TNF in Philly. 3-0? Just the possibility is enough to celebrate for this team.
- San Diego Chargers
Good for you Bolts... you won a game. Gave up 30 points, but you won. Woo-figgin-hoo. That is all.
- New Orleans Saints
Oh when the Saints,
Got Sean Payton back,
They starting winning,
and marched in, and out and all around to W's.
(Jay-Z I ain't...)
- Denver Broncos
What is going to happen when these guys start scoring in all 4 quarters? I will give you a clue, it starts with beat and ends with down. Manning is rolling and next up is the Radiers? Come on man!!!!
- Seattle Seahawks
Last week I put them in the bad for their 5 point win over Carolina. This week they stomped a mud hole in the 9ers. Does this mean since I put them in the good they will suck it up next week? Why would it matter where I put them? I don't affect the games dummies!!! BTW, trash talk backed up is called confidence, so carry on Mr. Sherman.
- Cincinnati Bengals
The Bungles tried to come out with 9 penalties but thanks to the inept team they faced and a decent running game the Bengals prevailed. This team is supposed to be poised to take that next step and beating divsion rivals will always advance that cause. Green Bay is coming in hot next though so we shall see...
Now as is tradition, a musical interlude:
We now return you to our regularly scheduled nonsensical musings...
The Bad
- New York Jets
The good news? Mark Sanchez will never play another down for your team. The bad? You're still the Jets. Carry on...
- Baltimore Ravens
What's that? You won? You struggled to beat the Browns, aka Cleveland Community College JV Team. Keep airing it out and believing the loss of the ball hawk and that convict that played middle linebacker didn't hurt your D.
- Minnesota Vikings
Ok, what is going on here people? Run back the opening kickoff... that was good. Letting Hester do it right back, that is bad. I realize you don't have a quarterback but do you? Christian Ponder should have 20 pass attempts at most and he has more of them than AD has carries. Which part of feed the beast and let the defense play is being misunderstood here?!?!
- Washington Redskins
Ok, someone needs to let RG III know what time the game starts because it seems he has been about an hour and a half late to both games this year. The good news? The entire division lost this week so even at 0-2 you aren't dead just yet.
- Philadelphia Eagles
Ok, you guys got that scoring thing down pretty good, now how about some defense? Scoring 30 a game is a good thing, allowing it not so much. Have fun on TNF.
- Oakland Raiders
Yea, yea... you beat the Jaguars. But you let them score more than 2 points. Congrats on the winning the battle for who can suck less in week 2.
- Detroit Lions
Megatron looks good, Stafford not so bad, Suh is dirty and now Bush is hurt. What does it all mean? Business as usual... a big ol' L.
Now for a word from our sponsor this week;
The Bill Belicheat school of Public Relations:
<In the drollest monotone I can muster>
Have you ever been at a press conference and wanted to put as little emotion and effort in your responses as possible? Has there ever been a time when you wish you could speak in a way that is both condescending and uninformative while frustrating those asking you the questions? Well, if you said yes, I have the perfect system for you; The Tattered Sweater Production company proudly present an instructional film by Bill Bellicheat and inspired by Lurch himself.
That's right folks for just $1.99, plus $8.5 million per year in processing, you too can say nothing and make people want to choke you out. Here is a great example"
Reporter: Coach! Coach! Your team just won the Super Bowl for the third time! How do you feel?!?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: Ok... Hey I just got a call, your wife is leaving you... that's horrible... are you OK Coach?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: What the... Wow, you are a cool customer! Hey we are getting reports that your daughter gave birth to your grandson just a few minutes ago, congratulations sir! What do you have to say to her?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Report: Damn, high standards in the Bellicheat family huh? You have anything to say about the accusations of the three super models that say you had sex with them in the locker room at half time?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: Come on man! I am just trying to do my job... help me out a little will ya??!!!
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
<scene closes will reporter being restrained from choking Coach Bellicheat, all while he utters... "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time.">
That's right folks it works for the Coach and it can work for you too!!! Call now and we will throw in the Tom Brady guide to winning aptly titled 'Who are you and why are you lined up at wide receiver in a Pats uniform?' for free! Call 1-800-I-have-the-personality-of-a-wet-paper-bag right now!
And now back to the action with a call out for being the worst of the worst, yet still being a millionaire. It time to get to:
The Ugly
- Cleveland Browns
Hey look at that? Cleveland looks like a D-3 college team could take them. Honestly, who is really suprised by this?
- Carolina Skunks
Ron Rivera is Norv Turner in a Ron Rivera suit. How did this guy get a head coaching job anyways? This not a horrible team, they just are really good at finding ways to lose. They get to play the strug-a-ling G-men next so maybe they can get a tick in the W column, then again...
- Dallas Cowoys
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
I told you they sucked.
(Deep Breath)
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! !
- New York Football Giants
No running game, no defense and now Eli catches Romo-itis and throws redzone int's at the same rate his big brother throws TD's. Maybe it is bizarro world in East Rutherford, or maybe the Giants just suck. Either way the Tuna does not approve...
- Jacksonville Jaguars
11. That is this teams point total for the first two games. Tim Tebow is on line two...
- San Francisco 49ers
You got man handled in a division battle. That is the true meaning of ugly. Come on man!!!!
- Pittsburgh Steelers
I have thrown every penny into the wishing well I could find and this is what I wished:
Todd Haley gets hit by a bus.
Ben gets some time to throw the ball and also can actually throw it near them.
A middle linebacker I have heard of.
Issac Redman to be benched permanently.
The truth is even if all these things were to come true a top ten pick would still be in our future. The Steelers just look bad and the only one shocked is them. I just hope we can beat the Browns.
-TNF
This is the true meaning of money grabbing at it's worst. Short weeks in an era when player safety is supposed to be at the forefront of all the NFL is doing? They already limit the amount of reps in practice and we get a sub standard product forced on us just so the NFL Network can have games. The sad part is that the quality doesn't matter to the NFL, only that they can force cable companies to accept their terms and drive the price of their product higher. The almighty dollar is number one, and the sad fact is player safety isn't even number 2.
That is all we have for this week people, tune in next week when we'll hear RG III say 'What do you mean there are 4 quarters in the game?' Send all hate mail, love letters and death threats to gbu_central@yahoo.com and find us on Facebook (The GBU) and twitter @GBUCentral and as always remember this is just my opinion and that and $8.55 plus tax will get you a stoplight switch for a 1999 Ford Tarus.
