Week 3 is in the books and I am sad to say, some teams are already looking forward to the draft. The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes has lost a few more participants, but the ones still in it look stronger than ever. For all the up to the minute standings click here and check out VSD's own Hasselbeck's coverage.
I think it is time for an old GBU favorite...
These four things I know are true! (With regards to Max Kellerman of course)
- Minnesota is the new Detroit
- The Chiefs are the new Raiders
- The Rams are still the Rams
and
- The Bills are the only undefeated team in the AFC
Yes that's right, the Buffalo Bills! No Jim Kelly isn't back… but more on them later. We have multiple epic collapses, epic comebacks, whiney quarter backs, and this week a very special Ugly dedicated to the zebra's. So without further adue, to the meat we go!!!
- Buffalo Bills
Yes it is true, last week I pretty much put them down for an L facing the Pats... I accept my plate of crow and will eat it joyfully. Not only did the Bills beat the Patriots for the first time in 15 tries, but they did it after being down 21-0. The often maligned D picked off the Golden Boy 4 times, equaling the total number of INT's Brady threw for all of last season. Ryan Fitzpatrick is showing everyone that Harvard doesn't just produce internet geeks and lawyers anymore.
- Carolina Panthers
Nope, Cam Newton didn’t throw for 400 yards this week, but he did something much better: He got his first NFL win. Props to the rookie for recognizing the importance of wins over stats in the first, but also for playing well in bad weather. The Jags aren't exactly the Packers, but as we say here at GBU Central, a win is a win.
- Cleveland Browns
Is this bizzaro world? At this point in the season Browns fans are drunkenly calling local radio shows calling for the head coach to be fired and lamenting how The-Name-That-Shall-Never-Be-Spoken took their real team to Baltimore. Instead, they are 2-1 and in a 3 way tie for the division lead. The Titans are up next and for once I can say this is a winnable game for them. Only time will tell if it is a bad schedule or a good team getting these wins, but for now it is all good.
- Detroit Lions
3-0. That's right people, 3 wins, zero loses. This week they had to take it to OT and overcome a 20 point deficit, but they did it. This team is learning how to win and as long as Stafford stays healthy and can get the ball to Calvin the defense will help carry them the rest of the way. I am not ready to jump on the playoff bound band wagon just yet, but I am looking into getting a seat reserved.
- The New York Football Giants
A sloppy win is still a win and that is exactly what went down in Philly this week. Helped by the Eagles' inability to tackle and Mike Vick's fragility the Giants got their 2nd win and a share of the NFC East division lead against the Green Machine. This is one of those teams that needs momentum to get wins and you can call 'em butter cuz their on a roll... (Sorry, bad joke I know...)
- Tennessee Titans
I still stand by my crushing of Hasselbeck in week 1, but once again they find a way to win. The loss of Brit for the season makes it not so sweet, but Cleveland is up next for them. Too bad the Browns are on the upswing...
- Oakland Raiders
Dammit!!! I cannot stand putting this team anywhere but the Ugly... Yet with Darren McFadden putting 171 yards on the ground up against the Jets I kinda had no choice. Run DMC ran all over, under and up and down the Jolly Green Jets and Rex Ryan is gonna be pissed for a minute on this one. 2-1 with their one loss coming against the undefeated Bills is not the norm for Oaktown. The Pats are up next and with them mad it will be a tough game no matter what happens.
- Baltimore Ravens
Congratulations on beating up the retarded kid. I bet you feel like a real bad ass now don't ya?
- Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl hangover? Not quite. The Pack are just cruising right along and to me it looks like they don't have too many obstacles in their way to get a shot at 2 rings in a row. Denver coming into town next week is probably not gonna scare them any. The refs did help them out in Chi-town, but to be fair that score would not have put the Bears ahead. 3-0 and moving on... Go Pack Go!
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I don't care who says what, Josh Freeman is good but he is not great... not yet anyways. A nice win versus a rival is always good and that is what this was. 2-1 and tied with the Saints for the division isn't a bad way to start.
- Dallas Cowboys
You guys better thank that holder for the Skins and Rex Grossman for sucking. Man I hate this team...
And now for our weekly musical interlude...
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODTv9Lt5WYs&ob=av2e"]Alice In Chains - I Stay Away - YouTube[/ame]
We now return you to our regularly scheduled program...
If it ain't good, but not Ugly, it must be...
- Pittsburgh Steelers
Yes, I am aware we won this week and usually a win is a win... but this was just not a good game. I know Freeney and Mathis are good, but they are not this good. The defense allowed Curtis Painter to drive the field on them and until Troy got down at the LOS the Colts had an actual running game. Don't ever for a second think I don't bleed Black and Gold, but I will crush my team when they look like hell. That o-line has been bad for way too long and why Bruce Arians still has a job I will never know. I sure hope Arian Foster doesn't heal up this week...
- New York Jets
For a team whose head coach has the blood line of Buddy Ryan to give up 171 yards rushing to a single running back is like seeing a fat lady in a thong at the beach; no one wants to see that garbage. Look for Bart 'Can't Wait!’ Scott to be tired from running the steps this week at practice.
- Chicago Bears
This is the only offensive line that Ben Roethlisberger wouldn't trade his for. I hate Jay Cutlulz but he does have a rocket for an arm and can play if he can stay on his feet. Long developing pass routes combined with that just awful front 5 are not the recipe for success.
- Atlanta Falcons
What in the hell is this team doing? Fail to show up in Chicago only to beat Philly in your house then follow that up with just 13 points on the road in Tampa... You guys know that if you win all your home games and lose all your road games you will only be 8-8 right? That will make the playoffs in the AFC or NFC West... too bad you play in the NFC South.
- Washington Redskins
Only one word describes what went down in Dallas last night: Choke. The Cowboys were inept on offense and all you had to do was get a field goal and your punter cannot handle the snap. To be fair at the time that didn't look like it would be the difference, but when you have to put the ball in Rex Grossman's hands against a Ryan coached D you know you are in trouble.
- San Diego Charger
Wow, you beat the Chiefs by 3... Come on man!
This week instead of a word from our sponsor (which is The Anti Bitchassery and Asshattery Association) we will be presenting an award. The ABAA would like to award this week's STFU You Cyrin' Ass Bitch award to Michael Vick. The inscription reads 'Either learn to throw the ball away, slide or get you're weigh up chump.' When notified he was receiving this prestigious award Mr. Vick sent in this reply:
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsYJyVEUaC4"]Lesley Gore - It's My Party (1965) - YouTube[/ame]
And now for something completely different...
It's time to get down to the mean, the nasty, and most of all...
- New England Patriots
Lemme get this right... you blew a 21 point lead to Ryan Fitzpatrcik and the Buffalo Bills and Tom Brady threw 4 picks? This has to be one of the Bellicheat loses with a purpose, like trying to make a team think they are better than they are or something. Maybe the Red Sox stole their mojo to attempt to get off their own snide... who knows. The end result is a loss and a rare trip to the bottom of the GBU. Have a nice day.
- Minnesota Vikings
Wow... now here is a team that really knows how to blow a lead. First the Bucs, then the Lions... is this Vikings team the slump buster of the NFL? If your team is bad or has been bad just pray you get the Vikes on your schedule. I think the Minnesota Steeping Stones has a nice ring to it don't you?
- Kansas Shitty Chiefs
So close... yet so far away. Good to see the Chiefs returning to the post Montana ways of losing. When reached for comment Todd Haley was too drunk to speak but I am pretty sure he said he wishes he never left Arizona...
- St. Louis Rams
No Steven Jackson, no team huh fellas? I want to crush you, but you guys are doing that just fine without my help. Don't worry about going 0-16 though; you will be playing Seattle twice this year...
- Indianapolis Colts
So Kerry Collins was taken out of the game, finally, to be 'evaluated' for a concussion... isn't that something someone should have done, oh I don't know, before you signed him? Painter looked like a deer in headlights with Troy P bearing down on him, but he got it together long enough to actually lead a scoring drive. An 80 yard one against a top tier defense at that. Peyton is now unofficially the assistant head coach/ offensive coordinator so maybe a few wins are possible... maybe.
- Philadelhpia Eagels
I already roasted Vick, now the defense gets theirs... This is supposed to be a star studded roster and the most basic defensive football technique has either never been taught or has been forgotten in favor of wussy level knock out attempts. Thanks to this stellar unit some dude name Victor Cruz is a star wide out on the rise and Brandon Jacobs 300 pound ass looked like Jerry Rice running down the sidelines catching a td. I know Philly doesn't know how to run the ball, but now they forgot how to tackle? I though Philly was tough...
- The NFL referees at the Bears/Packers Game
Thanks to you idiots one of the greatest special teams plays in all of history was relegated to a almost instead of a brilliant touch down. That holding call wasn't even a near miss. The guy they called it on never even made contact with anyone for cryin out loud! I would like to see fines for this kind of egregious error. Nothing says pay attention like a swipe from your stash.
That's all for this week folks! Tune in next week when we will hear Mike Tomlin say, 'We are having open tryouts at Heinz Field for O-lineman. If you're fat and over 6 feet tall, come on out. Free meals for anyone who passes the conditioning test."
Send all love letters, bomb threats and hate mail to gbu_central@yahoo.com and as always remember that this is just my opinion and that and $7.24 will get you a pound of peeled shrimp for dinner.
I think it is time for an old GBU favorite...
These four things I know are true! (With regards to Max Kellerman of course)
- Minnesota is the new Detroit
- The Chiefs are the new Raiders
- The Rams are still the Rams
and
- The Bills are the only undefeated team in the AFC
Yes that's right, the Buffalo Bills! No Jim Kelly isn't back… but more on them later. We have multiple epic collapses, epic comebacks, whiney quarter backs, and this week a very special Ugly dedicated to the zebra's. So without further adue, to the meat we go!!!
The Good
- Buffalo Bills
Yes it is true, last week I pretty much put them down for an L facing the Pats... I accept my plate of crow and will eat it joyfully. Not only did the Bills beat the Patriots for the first time in 15 tries, but they did it after being down 21-0. The often maligned D picked off the Golden Boy 4 times, equaling the total number of INT's Brady threw for all of last season. Ryan Fitzpatrick is showing everyone that Harvard doesn't just produce internet geeks and lawyers anymore.
- Carolina Panthers
Nope, Cam Newton didn’t throw for 400 yards this week, but he did something much better: He got his first NFL win. Props to the rookie for recognizing the importance of wins over stats in the first, but also for playing well in bad weather. The Jags aren't exactly the Packers, but as we say here at GBU Central, a win is a win.
- Cleveland Browns
Is this bizzaro world? At this point in the season Browns fans are drunkenly calling local radio shows calling for the head coach to be fired and lamenting how The-Name-That-Shall-Never-Be-Spoken took their real team to Baltimore. Instead, they are 2-1 and in a 3 way tie for the division lead. The Titans are up next and for once I can say this is a winnable game for them. Only time will tell if it is a bad schedule or a good team getting these wins, but for now it is all good.
- Detroit Lions
3-0. That's right people, 3 wins, zero loses. This week they had to take it to OT and overcome a 20 point deficit, but they did it. This team is learning how to win and as long as Stafford stays healthy and can get the ball to Calvin the defense will help carry them the rest of the way. I am not ready to jump on the playoff bound band wagon just yet, but I am looking into getting a seat reserved.
- The New York Football Giants
A sloppy win is still a win and that is exactly what went down in Philly this week. Helped by the Eagles' inability to tackle and Mike Vick's fragility the Giants got their 2nd win and a share of the NFC East division lead against the Green Machine. This is one of those teams that needs momentum to get wins and you can call 'em butter cuz their on a roll... (Sorry, bad joke I know...)
- Tennessee Titans
I still stand by my crushing of Hasselbeck in week 1, but once again they find a way to win. The loss of Brit for the season makes it not so sweet, but Cleveland is up next for them. Too bad the Browns are on the upswing...
- Oakland Raiders
Dammit!!! I cannot stand putting this team anywhere but the Ugly... Yet with Darren McFadden putting 171 yards on the ground up against the Jets I kinda had no choice. Run DMC ran all over, under and up and down the Jolly Green Jets and Rex Ryan is gonna be pissed for a minute on this one. 2-1 with their one loss coming against the undefeated Bills is not the norm for Oaktown. The Pats are up next and with them mad it will be a tough game no matter what happens.
- Baltimore Ravens
Congratulations on beating up the retarded kid. I bet you feel like a real bad ass now don't ya?
- Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl hangover? Not quite. The Pack are just cruising right along and to me it looks like they don't have too many obstacles in their way to get a shot at 2 rings in a row. Denver coming into town next week is probably not gonna scare them any. The refs did help them out in Chi-town, but to be fair that score would not have put the Bears ahead. 3-0 and moving on... Go Pack Go!
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I don't care who says what, Josh Freeman is good but he is not great... not yet anyways. A nice win versus a rival is always good and that is what this was. 2-1 and tied with the Saints for the division isn't a bad way to start.
- Dallas Cowboys
You guys better thank that holder for the Skins and Rex Grossman for sucking. Man I hate this team...
And now for our weekly musical interlude...
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODTv9Lt5WYs&ob=av2e"]Alice In Chains - I Stay Away - YouTube[/ame]
We now return you to our regularly scheduled program...
If it ain't good, but not Ugly, it must be...
The Bad
- Pittsburgh Steelers
Yes, I am aware we won this week and usually a win is a win... but this was just not a good game. I know Freeney and Mathis are good, but they are not this good. The defense allowed Curtis Painter to drive the field on them and until Troy got down at the LOS the Colts had an actual running game. Don't ever for a second think I don't bleed Black and Gold, but I will crush my team when they look like hell. That o-line has been bad for way too long and why Bruce Arians still has a job I will never know. I sure hope Arian Foster doesn't heal up this week...
- New York Jets
For a team whose head coach has the blood line of Buddy Ryan to give up 171 yards rushing to a single running back is like seeing a fat lady in a thong at the beach; no one wants to see that garbage. Look for Bart 'Can't Wait!’ Scott to be tired from running the steps this week at practice.
- Chicago Bears
This is the only offensive line that Ben Roethlisberger wouldn't trade his for. I hate Jay Cutlulz but he does have a rocket for an arm and can play if he can stay on his feet. Long developing pass routes combined with that just awful front 5 are not the recipe for success.
- Atlanta Falcons
What in the hell is this team doing? Fail to show up in Chicago only to beat Philly in your house then follow that up with just 13 points on the road in Tampa... You guys know that if you win all your home games and lose all your road games you will only be 8-8 right? That will make the playoffs in the AFC or NFC West... too bad you play in the NFC South.
- Washington Redskins
Only one word describes what went down in Dallas last night: Choke. The Cowboys were inept on offense and all you had to do was get a field goal and your punter cannot handle the snap. To be fair at the time that didn't look like it would be the difference, but when you have to put the ball in Rex Grossman's hands against a Ryan coached D you know you are in trouble.
- San Diego Charger
Wow, you beat the Chiefs by 3... Come on man!
This week instead of a word from our sponsor (which is The Anti Bitchassery and Asshattery Association) we will be presenting an award. The ABAA would like to award this week's STFU You Cyrin' Ass Bitch award to Michael Vick. The inscription reads 'Either learn to throw the ball away, slide or get you're weigh up chump.' When notified he was receiving this prestigious award Mr. Vick sent in this reply:
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsYJyVEUaC4"]Lesley Gore - It's My Party (1965) - YouTube[/ame]
And now for something completely different...
It's time to get down to the mean, the nasty, and most of all...
The Ugly
- New England Patriots
Lemme get this right... you blew a 21 point lead to Ryan Fitzpatrcik and the Buffalo Bills and Tom Brady threw 4 picks? This has to be one of the Bellicheat loses with a purpose, like trying to make a team think they are better than they are or something. Maybe the Red Sox stole their mojo to attempt to get off their own snide... who knows. The end result is a loss and a rare trip to the bottom of the GBU. Have a nice day.
- Minnesota Vikings
Wow... now here is a team that really knows how to blow a lead. First the Bucs, then the Lions... is this Vikings team the slump buster of the NFL? If your team is bad or has been bad just pray you get the Vikes on your schedule. I think the Minnesota Steeping Stones has a nice ring to it don't you?
- Kansas Shitty Chiefs
So close... yet so far away. Good to see the Chiefs returning to the post Montana ways of losing. When reached for comment Todd Haley was too drunk to speak but I am pretty sure he said he wishes he never left Arizona...
- St. Louis Rams
No Steven Jackson, no team huh fellas? I want to crush you, but you guys are doing that just fine without my help. Don't worry about going 0-16 though; you will be playing Seattle twice this year...
- Indianapolis Colts
So Kerry Collins was taken out of the game, finally, to be 'evaluated' for a concussion... isn't that something someone should have done, oh I don't know, before you signed him? Painter looked like a deer in headlights with Troy P bearing down on him, but he got it together long enough to actually lead a scoring drive. An 80 yard one against a top tier defense at that. Peyton is now unofficially the assistant head coach/ offensive coordinator so maybe a few wins are possible... maybe.
- Philadelhpia Eagels
I already roasted Vick, now the defense gets theirs... This is supposed to be a star studded roster and the most basic defensive football technique has either never been taught or has been forgotten in favor of wussy level knock out attempts. Thanks to this stellar unit some dude name Victor Cruz is a star wide out on the rise and Brandon Jacobs 300 pound ass looked like Jerry Rice running down the sidelines catching a td. I know Philly doesn't know how to run the ball, but now they forgot how to tackle? I though Philly was tough...
- The NFL referees at the Bears/Packers Game
Thanks to you idiots one of the greatest special teams plays in all of history was relegated to a almost instead of a brilliant touch down. That holding call wasn't even a near miss. The guy they called it on never even made contact with anyone for cryin out loud! I would like to see fines for this kind of egregious error. Nothing says pay attention like a swipe from your stash.
That's all for this week folks! Tune in next week when we will hear Mike Tomlin say, 'We are having open tryouts at Heinz Field for O-lineman. If you're fat and over 6 feet tall, come on out. Free meals for anyone who passes the conditioning test."
Send all love letters, bomb threats and hate mail to gbu_central@yahoo.com and as always remember that this is just my opinion and that and $7.24 will get you a pound of peeled shrimp for dinner.
