Dell's Pointless Lists: Batman Movies

[dell71]

Like most slightly unstable and somewhat insomniac American males with visions of crime-fighting grandeur, Batman is my favorite superhero. Okay, all you guys on that side don’t totally geek out on me and tell me that technically he’s not a superhero because…nevermind. Just know that the Caped Crusader is my guy. Obviously, he’s a fave of plenty others since pop-culture is filled with the cape and cowl. Of course, it all started with the comics, then the serials of the 1940s, the live action TV series, several animated ones, graphic novels, video games, and all sorts of other merchandise. I’m willing to bet more people know the legend of Batman and can name a handful of characters than can name the President and Vice-President of the United States. Not sure what that says about us as a society, but this isn’t a political piece or social commentary. This is a focus on the full-length features focused on Batman.

For this exercise, I’m not distinguishing between live-action and animation. They’re all lumped in together. However, I am eliminating movies that include Batman as part of a team. That means no Batman/Superman or Justice League movies. Yes, movies involving Robin and/or Batgirl are OK since they’re really part of the Batman universe. To the best of my knowledge I’ve seen all of the movies that meet the criteria. If I’m missing something, let me know. And I am a Batfan so, no matter how low a movie is ranked on this list, rest assured that I do like it, with the exception of the last two, of course. Oh, we’re doing the one at a time reveal. Feel free to discuss, share your own rankings, bash mine, etc.

[dell71]

16. Batman & Robin
(1997)
Directed by Joel Schumacher
Batman…George Clooney
Robin…Chris O’Donnell
Alfred…Michael Gough
James Gordon…Pat Hingle
Batgirl…Alicia Silverstone
Mr. Freeze…Arnold Schwarzenegger
Poison Ivy…Uma Thurman

If ever there were an easy pick for the worst of anything, this is it. It’s so beyond terrible you have to see it to believe it. The script is one painfully unfunny pun after another. Way too many of these were coldness related and grunted by Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze. We’re talking riveting dialogue like “Let’s kick some ice!” Or, ahem, in Arnie’s voice: “Les keek sohm iiiiicccee!!!” Somehow, his is both the best and worst performance in the movie. And this is a cast that includes George Clooney. I’m a fan of the guy, but Batman? Doesn’t even sound right, does it? Robin is grown but has the dialogue of a 12 year old. Batgirl is introduced solely for the purpose of having a fist fight with Poison Ivy who is played poorly by Uma Thurman. Gotham City is depicted as a garish collection of oversized statues and neon lights. The movies tries desperately to recapture the magic of the old Adam West show and build on the mediocrity of Schumacher’s prior Bat-flick (more on that later), but fails miserably at both. Instead of being a campy fun ride, it will forever be remembered for giving us nipples on the Batsuit. Let’s not forget about those ginormous codpieces, either. Maybe Batman and his faithful ward really are…let’s move on.

[dell71]

15. Batman Forever
(1995)
Directed by Joel Schumacher
Batman…Val Kilmer
Robin…Chris O’Donnell
Alfred…Michael Gough
James Gordon…Pat Hingle
The Riddler…Jim Carrey
Two-Face…Tommy Lee Jones
Dr. Chase Meridian…Nicole Kidman

Well, whaddya know? We populate the bottom of the list with both Joel Schumacher movies. Anyone even vaguely familiar with the franchise probably knew this would be the case. This was the first of the JS flicks. He was hired to lighten up the series after the macabre adventure that was Tim Burton’s Batman Returns. The results are fairly bad. The tone is uneven: dark and brooding at some points, over the top campy at others. It makes little to no sense whatsoever. As The Riddler, Jim Carrey delivers a completely unhinged performance. It’s like watching Frank Gorshin on speed. That part isn’t so bad because we kind of expect that from him. What’s bizarre is watching Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face behave the same way. It didn’t seem to fit either him or the character. Robin is introduced, for I don’t know what reason. The pleasant surprise is that Val Kilmer wasn’t too bad as Batman.

People, things could’ve been even worse. Obviously, after the financial success of Batman Forever, Joel Schumacher was brought back to direct Batman &Robin. What you may not know is that while filming B & R studio head honchos were so impressed with the dailies, they green lit what would then have been the fifth Batman movie before filming had been completed and had already agreed to bring Schumacher back again! WTF!!! Thankfully they backed off that whole idea when they figured out that B & R was universally reviled.

[dell71]

14. The Batman vs. Dracula
(2005)
Directed by Michael Goguen
Batman…Rino Romano
Alfred…Alistair Duncan
Vicki Vale…Tara Strong
Dracula…Peter Stormare
The Penguin…Tom Kenny
The Joker…Kevin Michael Richardson

This time around, The Dark Knight takes on the real Prince of Darkness, Dracula. Things start normally enough by Gotham standards. The Joker and The Penguin bust out of Arkham Asylum in an effort to find a stash of loot somewhere in Gotham Cemetary. Bada-boom, bada-bing, Penguin manages to wake up Dracula who then tries to take over the city by creating an army of the undead. Admittedly, it is a bit odd seeing Bats take on a supernatural villain, but it’s well done. Also odd is seeing The Joker as someone else’s pawn. Speaking of The Joker, he’s part of the reason for this movie’s low ranking. I am not a fan of Kevin Michael Richardson’s voice-work as the Joker or the way the character is drawn. The overall effect is he’s much more brutish, lacking any of the character’s normal refinement. Finally, “vs. Dracula” is a little more graphic than I was expecting but it fits the plot since we are dealing with vampires here.

[Goober]

My mom found me an old VHS tape collection of the serials when I was a kid. Much different take on the character. Did you include them in the list?

[dell71]

Did not include the serials. I wanted only self-contained features meant to be viewed in one sitting. I have seen them, though, definitely from a different time.

[Palooza]

Chris O'Donnell in that Batman Forever poster is L-O-L worthy.

[Maynard]

i started watching the first nolan batman last night....batman begins i think its called. i never knew it exsisted until the premere of the 3rd film and they were showing the entire trilogy.

anyways, of the 2 nolan films i have seen, i think batman begins is the best story and directed film of that and TDK. ledger is only good thing about TDK so thats not saying much, but the first batman is a pretty fucking good movie

[dell71]

13. Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker
(2000)
Directed by Curt Geda
Future Batman/Terry McGinnis…Will Friedle
Bruce Wayne…Kevin Conroy
Young Robin…Matthew Valencia
Young Batgirl…Tara Strong
Barbara Gordon…Angie Harmon
The Joker…Mark Hamill
Harley Quinn…Arlenn Sorkin

Full disclosure: I’m not a big fan of Batman Beyond. For those unfamiliar, the TV series takes place well after Bruce Wayne has retired from crime fighting. In his stead, Terry McGinnis has taken over as Batman and wears a snazzier, sleeker suit while patrolling Gotham. In the movie, old Bruce is trying to help out the young punk because his old nemesis The Joker has apparently returned from the dead after 40 years. Attempting to figure if The Joker is really alive or if this is an imposter is interesting. However, in the end it all comes across a little bland to me. It doesn’t help that massive cuts were made to many of the action scenes due to sensitivity over the then recent Columbine High School Massacre and the amount of violent content in “children’s” programming. That’s not the main problem though. The real deal is I just don’t find the future Batman a compelling one.

[dell71]

12. Batman: Year One
(2011)
Directed by Sam Liu and Lauren Montgomery
Batman…Ben McKenzie
James Gordon…Bryan Cranston
Alfred…Jeff Bennett
Carmine Falcone…Alex Rocco
Catwoman…Eliza Dushku
Harvey Dent…Robin Atkins Downes

As the title suggests, we’re dealing with the first year Bruce Wayne decided to dress up like a bat and chase bad guys. Honestly, this was one of the two hardest movies to rank (I’ll let you know the other one later). It’s based on the iconic graphic novel of the same name. More than just being based on it, the movie is an incredibly faithful adaptation. There are only minor changes here and there. The first problem is that things that work on the page, don’t always work on screen even if it is a direct transfer. The main victim is the incessant narration done by both Bruce and then Lt. Gordon. Another issue is there are 24 years between when the source material and this movie were released. By itself, that’s no big deal. Works of literature that’s decades, even centuries old are constantly reinvented in some new medium whether loosely or faithfully done. When talking about what has happened to the character in that time, it’s huge. The graphic novel has been the impetus for so much of what’s followed in the Batman universe that the exact same material released as a movie feels dated. The book recreated Gotham as a horribly corrupt town ran by gangsters with most of the police force on the take. It developed James Gordon to the status of a real human being, pretty much alone on the force as an honest cop. He also has a wife and a child on the way. He even has mixed feelings about Batman. Most importantly, he has flaws. Year One also gives us the notion that Bruce Wayne isn’t always a swell guy to be around. Even when he’s suited up, he might not always know what he’s doing. The two Christopher Nolan movies have given us all of this, even the first Tim Burton flick used some of the same, rendering this movie kind of pointless.

[A Tasty Burgerr]

I got the same feeling about Year One, the quality was fine in all aspects but it just didn't seem necessary. Unless you can't read there's nothing new the adaptation brings in visual style and narrative. I hope The Dark Knight Returns has a little bit more of a distinctive style in terms of tone and animation, the content certainly is fresher and more ambitious than Year One.

[IamMedellin]

I still havent seen Year One...Wondering where My fav. animated films will rank [hint Mask of the Phantasm and Under the Red Hood]

also wondering if the JLA animated films featuring Batman will make the cut...

[Goober]

I still havent seen Year One...Wondering where My fav. animated films will rank [hint Mask of the Phantasm and Under the Red Hood]

also wondering if the JLA animated films featuring Batman will make the cut...

He said no. No JLA movies, and no 1940's serials.

[dell71]

11. Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman
(2003)
Directed by Curt Geda and Tim Maltby
Batman…Kevin Conroy
Robin…Eli Marienthal
James Gordon…Bob Hastings
Barbara Gordon…Tara Strong
Alfred…Efram Zimbalist Jr.
Batwoman…Kyra Sedgwick
Carlton Duquesne…Kevin Michael Richardson
The Penguin…David Ogden Stiers

Dr. Roxanne Ballantine…Kelly Ripa

If you couldn’t already tell, the Batman franchise dabbles in a number of genres. Here, we get sort of a whodunit. The question isn’t who the bad guy is, but who is this other good guy? Actually, good girl in this case. Someone calling themselves Batwoman has also taken to the streets of Gotham to fight crime and is effective, but sloppy. Of course, our hero has to get to the bottom of this because Batwoman doesn’t live by the same moral code as he does. Her techniques are dangerous and ruthless. It’s a solid Bat-tale with a terrific twist that we can’t quite see coming. It’s also notable for being the only movie on the list to show Bruce in an interracial relationship. The best part about that is that I make a bigger deal out of it than the movie which never mentions it.

[dell71]

The Best Batmobiles


3. Vintage Batmobile (1966)


2. The Tumbler (The Dark Knight Trilogy)


1. Batman, 1989