Dell's Good, Bad & Ugly Movie Reviews

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The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Directed by Peter Jackson.
2012. Rated PG-13, 169 minutes.
Cast:
Martin Freeman
Ian McKellen
Cate Blanchett
Hugo Weaving
Christopher Lee
Ian Holm
Richard Armitage
Ken Stott
Sylvester McCoy
Benedict Cumberbatch
Andy Serkis
Elijah Wood
Graham McTavish
William Kircher
James Nesbitt

The Lord of the Rings trilogy detailed the journey of Frodo Baggins (Wood) and company to destroy that all-powerful ring. The three movies earned both critical praise and goo-gobs of money. Naturally, to the delight of franchise devotees, director Peter Jackson dips back into the Tolkien universe to give us this long-awaited prequel. This time, the adventure is that of Frodo’s favorite relative Bilbo (Holm as the older version, Freeman the younger). Actually, Bilbo is just a follower on this mission. He is coerced by the wizard Gandalf (McKellen) to join a group of dwarves in their effort to reclaim the Lonely Mountain from Smaug the dragon. Of course, this means trekking across Middle Earth en route to a remote location, ecountering various dangers along the way.

In true LotR fashion, it seems we walk every mile with our heroes. By now, four movies in, this has become a tedious undertaking. The problem is not necessarily the length of the film, though we stretch to near three hours, but that much of it is stagnant and repetitive. For far too much of the runtime either nothing is happening, or some character is merely giving us an update on the plot in case we dozed off. Speaking of dozing off, doing so for chunks at a time wouldn’t really mean missing much of the narrative. Besides, this is all just a setup for the next installment.

Things perk up as the movie nears its stopping point. Most fun is the scene shared by Bilbo and everyone’s favorite CGI character, Gollum, again marvelously handled by Andy Serkis. It can be argued that much of the scene is superfluous, going on for far too long. However, it’s just flat out entertaining. This third act also includes much of the action and the most harrowing situations faced by our heroes.

Visually, the film continues the franchise tradition of presenting to us an eye-popping spectacle. Like its predecessors, it’s simply beautiful to look at. Wonderful shots of whatever terrain the good guys are traversing combine with amazing special fx to keep our peepers darting around the screen.

Overall, the good stuff cancels out enough of the bad to make The Hobbit a decent watch. However, most of that good stuff is back-loaded as the first two acts are plagued by long stretches of nothing happening except some hit-or-miss humor. Even though the sequel has yet to be released as of this writing, I’d venture to say this movie could’ve been condensed into the first half of a three hour movie with that one as the latter. It certainly doesn’t need to be one by itself.

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

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The Invisible War
Directed by Kirby Dick.
2012. Not Rated, 97 minutes.
Cast:
Kori Cioca
Jessica Hinves
Robin Lynne Lafayette
Ariana Kay
Trina McDonald
Elle Helmer
Hannah Swell
Rob McDonald
Lee Le Teff
Susan L. Burke
Amy Herdy
Jerry Sewell
Amy Ziering
Kirby Dick

For decades, it’s been a not-so-secret secret that the American military has a serious problem with sexual assault. According to statistics provided by the U.S. government, over twenty percent of women who serve have suffered such a crime at the hands of a fellow serviceman. Since we know that these offenses are not reported nearly as much as they occur, it’s logical to assume that the actual percentage of women assaulted is considerably higher. However, the rapes and other heinous acts are not the biggest problem. Far more troublesome is the culture that enables the culprits by protecting them. In fact, many of the women who have reported being assaulted have suffered adverse effects to their career. These include reduction in rank and pay for various forms of insubordination and less than honorable discharges. This, of course, is in addition to the physical and emotional damage don by their assailants. In The Invisible War, we meet a handful of women, plus one man brave enough to admit he was assaulted, and hear their stories. We also hear from a number of higher-ups in both the military and political arenas.

The stories themselves are heart-breaking. In each instance, the woman was not only raped, but mocked and railroaded for it. The latter two just as hurtful, if not more so, than the rape itself. We also meet the loved ones of the victims and see the trouble these attacks and subsequent events has caused whole families. Their continued frustration is exacerbated by the lack of reasonable answers. Besides that, efforts made by the military to curtail sexual assault have proven to be weak, at best.

For the sake of full disclosure, I feel it’s important to mention that I served three years in the U.S. Army. During my time in service I’ve never heard of an attack on a female soldier. Admittedly, other than basic training I was in fully co-ed units with lots of females around, both military and civilian. Perhaps this relative abundance may have curbed some predatory urges. Of course, I have nothing to back this idea and not even saying that it’s true. I’m just a guy trying to rationalize things in my own head. Then again, I was never in a position of authority so maybe I just wasn’t privy to such things. In any case, my point really is that not all military men are slugs who prey on women. I hope that doesn’t get lost by anyone who watches this documentary, especially since it more than deserves your attention.

There is good news at the end of it all. The film itself contributed to changes in how allegations of sex crimes are handled. Like many policy changes, it’s not a solution by itself, but a step in the right direction. Kudos to the young women, and to the man, who put themselves out there by allowing the filmmakers to document their pain.

MY SCORE: 10/10

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The Pirates! Band of Misfits
Directed by Peter Lord and Jeff Newitt.
2012. Rated PG, 88 minutes.
Cast:
Hugh Grant
Martin Freeman
Imelda Staunton
David Tennant
Jeremy Piven
Salma Hayek
Lenny Henry
Brian Blessed

The Pirate Captain (Grant) is feeling down in the dumps. All he wants is to be Pirate of the Year. Unfortunately, reality smacks him and he comes to grips with the fact that he’s not been very successful at his chosen vocation. He tightens up his crew a bit and doubles down on his effort, but even that doesn’t go very well. However, he finds out that he may have had a treasure hidden right in his beard the whole time. He takes over a boat manned by the one and only Charles Darwin (Tennant), who has nothing of value. Still, Darwin realizes that the Pirate Captain’s parrot is actually not a parrot, but the only living dodo bird and informs him it is worth untold riches. The problem is to reap this benefit, the Pirate Captain and crew have to go to London which is ruled by the sworn enemy of pirates everywhere, Queen Victoria (Staunton).

Overall, this is a fun adventure filled with clever little jokes. The voice work by Hugh Grant is excellent and the story moves nicely along. Grant’s Captain is funny in a self-deprecating way, complemented well by both his dim-witted crew and the occasional appearance of other, more boisterous pirates. These include a really fun turn by Salma Hayek’s Cutlass Liz, the only woman up for Pirate of the Year. Imelda Staunton’s Queen Victoria is not to be outdone, either. Sight gags are also mixed in to great effect, especially the sudden costumes our heroes turn up in. Verbally, Pirates prefers subtly inserted punchlines to the obvious or crass. All of this comes together in a solid package.

Unfortunately, Pirates may be a victim of its own style. While there are plenty of action scenes, the whole thing comes off as a bit understated in comparison to most other kiddie flicks. The loud-mouthed sidekick is missing, as are the fart jokes and the prerequisite love story. Though not entirely original, it’s different enough to knock it down a notch in the eyes of its target audience, even as that may elevate it in the eyes of the parents. It is also at a visual disadvantage. It’s use of clay-mation gives it a bit of a dated look, especially to kids weaned on Pixar movies.

The end result seems to be a family movie more suited for the grownups than the children. That’s not to say that kids can’t or won’t enjoy it. It just feels as if us older folk will get more enjoyment out of this one. Many of the things we chuckle at may fly right over their heads. Honestly, this is perfectly fine by me. I feel I’m owed one after sitting through Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, Journey 2, Yogi Bear, etc.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

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The Words
Directed by Brian Klugman and Lee Sternthal.
2012. Rated PG-13,
Cast:
Bradley Cooper
Zoe Saldana
Dennis Quaid
Jeremy Irons
Olivia Wilde
J. K. Simmons
Michael McKean
James Babson
Lucinda Davis

The Words is essentially a film within a film depicting a book within a book. We meet author Clay Hammond (Quaid) as he goes on stage to read a few excerpts from his latest novel which shares its title with the movie we’re watching. It’s about a young struggling writer named Rory (Cooper) who is married to Dora (Saldana), the love of his life, and has dedicated himself to his craft. However, despite some positive feedback, no one is actually willing to publish his books. One day, he happens to find an amazing manuscript, anonymously written. He passes it off as his own and gets it published to rave reviews. It not only becomes a best seller, but wins him a prestigious award. Things are all hunky dory until “The Old Man” (Irons) shows up and lets him know his secret isn’t so safe. Meanwhile, in the “real” world, Clay is hit on during intermissions by Daniella (Wilde), a groupie/aspiring writer half his age.

Eventually, The Old Man in Clay’s story also has a tale to tell. At this point, we’re watching a movie about a guy who wrote a book about another guy listening to a story told by yet another guy. I’m reminded of that line by Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder, “I’m a dude that’s playing a dude that’s playing another dude.” Something like that. Remarkably, all the moving parts maintain their own identities while working in conjunction with one another. There is a lot going on, but it doesn’t feel cluttered. Each section carves out its own niche and develops its own conflict to be resolved. Somehow, The Words still gets out of our hair in barely more than an hour and a half.

While Bradley Cooper flashes his movie starness, and Dennis Quaid is his old reliable self, and Zoe Saldana is sufficiently loving, concerned, and upset (in that order), it’s Jeremy Irons that makes us watch. His character is the linchpin holding it all together, and he still has more than enough presence to hold down the position. It is another fabulous performance in a long line of them by the actor.

Unfortunately, Irons proves to be better than the material he’s working with, making us care about it more than we would otherwise. It struggles under the weight of so many premises. I don’t think it becomes a bad movie, just not a fulfilling one. However, it does raise some interesting questions. Ironically, the most intriguing of them is in regards to the least interesting story, the one involving Quaid and Wilde. That question is whether or not his novel is auto-biographical. After all, he’s a renowned writer with a few best-sellers under his belt, but very cagey when pressed on the issue. The movie never really gives an answer, either. Therefore, when the credits roll, it’s the conversation piece left behind.

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

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Lockout
Directed by James Mather and Stephen St. Leger.
2012. Rated PG-13, 95 minutes.
Cast:
Guy Pearce
Maggie Grace
Vincent Regan
Joseph Gilgun
Lennie James
Peter Stormare
Jacky Ido
Tim Plester
Mark Tankersley
Anne-Solenne Hatte
Peter Hudson

The year is 2079 and former CIA operative Snow (Pearce) is accused of murdering a man who was selling government secrets. You’d think they’d be happy about this, but I guess murder is murder so here we are. Not quite. What’s really going on is that Agents Scott Langral (Stormare) and Harry Shaw (James) are questioning Snow on the whereabouts of a case containing some very sensitive information. Since he doesn’t have it to give up, and because he’s a wise-ass, Snow is about to be sent to MS-One, a prison orbiting Earth in which all of the prisoners are cryogenically frozen. Of course, before he’s put to sleep something goes terribly wrong at the prison. Because of a not-so-bright Secret Service Agent, all of the ship’s five hundred inmates are woken from their slumber and take the place over. What is a Secret Service Agent doing there? He’s escorting the President’s daughter Emilie Warnock (Grace), who is on a fact-finding mission. Obviously, the only logical thing to do is entice Snow to mount a one-man rescue mission and bring the First Daughter home safely. In other words, a remake of Escape From New York ensues.

We get some decent action scenes as Snow and Emilie run into various bad guys while trying to get off MS-One. However, they’re no so spectacular they distract us from the inherent stupidity of the plan and its execution. This, combined with the prisoners being none too smart, gives us a less than compelling movie. One other thing hurts it, as well. Maggie Graces’s performance as the Prez’s daughter is lackluster, at best. She competently recites her lines, but doesn’t make us care one way or the another. We need a little more umph from our leading lady. Unfortunately, the only reason she stands out is because she’s the only woman in the cast. Well, there is one other, but she doesn’t last long. Meanwhile, the contrivances needed to push the plot forward pile up. These include bad movie science, forced urgency and a couple “well whaddya know” moments.

Our saving grace is Guy Pearce in the lead role. With sarcasm turned up full blast, he provides us with a number of laughs along the way. His dialogue is essentially an unending string of smart-alec comments. I can see how this might get on some people’s nerves, but I rather enjoyed him. Unfortunately, he has fewer funny lines as the movie progresses and tries to concentrate on resolving its conflicts. Still, he make me chuckle a good deal more than I was expecting.

Lockout is a film that puts itself in a precarious situation. Most of the good things about it are merely adequate, not strong enough to elevate it to being a good movie. We’re left with a picture that flounders along doing what it does. Then it ends after a silly bit of code-busting that makes you shake your head.

MY SCORE: 5/10

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Hercules in New York
Directed by Arthur Seidelman.
1969. Rated G, 92 minutes.
Cast:
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold Stang
Deborah Loomis
Ernest Graves
James Karen
Tony Carroll
Taina Elg
Richard Herd
Tanny McDonald
Harold Burstein

When Hercules (Schwarzenegger) becomes bored with Mt. Olympus, he decides he wants to visit Earth and have a little fun. This little revelation comes much to the chagrin of Hercules' dad Zeus (Graves). Argue, argue, fuss, fuss, and Zeus gets pissed and sends Herc to Earth anyway. Okay, fine. Our hero lands in the middle of the ocean where he's picked up by a naval ship headed to New York. In the Big Apple, he meets a pencil necked geek named Pretzie (Stang) who helps him become a big-time professional wrestler. Of course, he also meets a girl. Her name is Helen (Loomis). For all of the movie, our hero exhibits all the intelligence of a stack of bricks with the subtlety of said bricks cracking you upside the head. Even so, he's suddenly a smooth talker when she's around. No surprise there. Anyhoo, Pretzie gets mixed up with some gangsters over Herc's athletic pursuits. Meanwhile, Zeus and the rest of the gods are keeping a watchful eye and deciding how to deal with him. All things hilariously rotten ensue.

What do I mean by hilariously rotten? For starters, most things meant to be funny aren't while most things meant to be serious are funny. A number of things happen that are just too ridiculous for words and its lack of budget is noticeable throughout. On top of that, our cast is not quite Oscar quality, to put it delicately. Almost everyone sounds as if they're reading their lines. Arnie's co-star, Arnold Stang is an exception, but his character is just too annoying to build on that capital. One of the minor players who went on to a long career is James Karen. His list of credits is longer than my legs. I'm sure you've seen him in something. Arnie's leading lady, Deborah Loomis, is pretty. As for her acting, she's pretty. Of course, there's Ah-nuld himself. Yeah, I'm going to need to start a new paragraph for him.

This is The Governator's first acting role, eight years before the documentary Pumping Iron and thirteen before his next starring gig as the lead in Conan the Barbarian. It's so far back, he didn't even use his real name. He's listed in the credits as Arnold Strong. True Story. His accent was still so thick that when Hercules in New York was originally released, his voice had been dubbed over by another actor's. Thankfully, I got to hear it in all its Austrian glory as the original track has been restored on the DVD. I understand why they dubbed it in the first place. I could've used some subtitles from time to time. That he has the accent is something he couldn't help, but not something I knock him for. What I do have to point out is that even if his diction were perfect his performance would still be painful to watch. His facial expression almost never changes to the point where it makes Kristen Stewart seem overly animated. Then, he delivers every line as flatly as possible.

Even Arnie's fight scenes leave a lot to be desired. Not yet the man who would rule the box office during my youth, he just lumbers through them with all the grace of a toddler's first step. He's not helped by what I'll generously call a lack of creative choreography and the camera being entirely too close. Then again, it has to be in one scene where the filmmakers are hopelessly trying to disguise the fact that the bear Arnie is fighting is a man in a suit. Even I couldn't tell that by looking at him, the fact he walks like a monkey is a dead giveaway. I'm not joking. Well, at least he always shines when the plot calls for him to take off and flex. By the way, this happens on a number of occasions. After having seen almost all of his other movies, HNY gives me new appreciation for just how far he has come as an actor.

The bottom line is that this is campy and cheesy, both with capital Cs. Better yet, scratch those. This is just plain goofy. As noted, Arnie's is beyond awful, the cast around him isn't all that much better and the script is atrocious. But here's the thing: it's so ridiculous and there are so many unintentional laughs to be had that it's just damn fun to watch.

Normally, I don't do clips but I couldn't resist this one. This scene contains the best acting in the entire movie. for Arnie, he gets to do what he does best: get topless and flex. For Deborah Loomis, it might be the first time she's ever been that close to so much half-naked man and may have been genuinely turned on. Yes, the whole thing is just that silly.

Okay, let's wrap this up. If you've been here before, and you've been paying attention, you know where I'm going with this. It's so bad, it's awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

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The Last Stand
Directed by Kim Jee-Woon.
2013. Rated R, 107 minutes.
Cast:
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Forest Whitaker
Rodrigo Santoro
Eduardo Noriega
Genesis Rodriguez
Johnny Knoxville
Jaimie Alexander
Peter Stormare
Zach Gilford
Christiana Leucas

Once upon a time, the release of an Arnold Schwarzenegger flick meant I was spending a Friday or Saturday in a crowded theater inhaling popcorn while the guy with the thick accent flexed muscles I didn’t even know existed, kicked all sorts of ass, and dropped some of the corniest/funniest one-liners ever barked by a monosyllabic action hero. If you had told me that he would eventually go on hiatus from movie making to become governor of California, I would’ve shunned you for violating the number one commandment of First Lady Nancy Reagan and obviously not just saying no. Google it, if you must. I’m in no mood to explain the jokes, youngster.

Anyhoo, in his first starring role since leaving office, The Governator picks up right where he left off. Sorta. He plays the sheriff of an Arizona town that borders Mexico. By the way, every time I have to type the word ‘sheriff’ I have to spell check it. I can never remember if there are two Rs, or two Fs, neither, or both. This is funny, to me at least, for two reasons. The first is that I won my sixth grade school spelling bee, placed sixth in the district bee so I wasn’t that many steps from horribly butchering some word of Latin origin (or Greek, or Russian, or Japanese, etc.) on national TV. Wait a sec, the national spelling bee wasn’t televised back then. I don’t think. Whew, that was close (not really). The second reason I find this humorous is because I never ever have to check how to spell Schwarzenegger. Never. You could wake me from a dead sleep after a long night of binge drinking and I wouldn’t miss a letter. Not one. S-C-H-W-A-R-Z-E-N-E-G-G-E-R.

Oh, where are my manners? You’re here about a movie, right?

Let’s talk about this Arizona town Ah-nuld protects. It’s one of those rinky dink places where much of the population is of retirement age and everyone is on a first name basis with everyone else. The police almost never see any action. In fact, the most exciting thing we see them do early on is take target practice with the local nut-job played by Johnny Knoxville with an overly phallic handgun. By them, I mean almost the entire force. This includes the T-800, Deputy Mike (Guzman) and Deputy Jerry (Gilford). There is also Deputy Sarah (Alexander) who is back at the office missing out on all the fun.. By the way, Deputy Jerry makes plans for the very near future which Conan the Barbarian is more than happy to help him with. Poor guy. If you don’t understand what I’m saying, imagine that he’s in his sixties and retiring in two weeks. If you still don’t get it you’ve obviously never seen an action movie before.

Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, the feds are transporting Cortez (Noriega), a dangerous Mexican cartel boss from one institution to another. If you guessed he would make a daring escape thanks to his private army and head right for Terminatorville in hopes of crossing the border, give yourself a cookie. Take two if you guessed he’d be driving a suped up Corvette at 200 miles per hour for most of the movie. From there? Wow. Just. Wow.

What does wow mean? It means that on top of the normal action flick ridiculousness I was totally ready for, I got an unexpected trip back to the land of low budget 70s movies. Think about those old pictures, or go watch some if you haven’t. Take note of how many times you can clearly see the stunt-person. Believe it, or not, we get that here. My apologies to anyone involved in the making of this film if I’m incorrect. However, there a few occasions when I looked at the screen and couldn’t help but say aloud “That’s not Arnie!” I even had to change the noun once or twice to Luis Guzman. Hilarious.

Now we can add the action itself. I did say it’s ridiculous, didn’t I? It’s actually a bit beyond that, particularly with regards to the Corvette our bad guy whips around in. This thing is apparently a supercharged mini-tank. Were the Fast & Furious folks on this dedicated team of auteurs? Even with that, our zany mixture is not complete. Stir in Forest Whitaker, as the head fed, chewing every bit of scenery he could find, a blatant but still lackluster romance between our lady cop and a deputized prisoner, Johnny Knoxville going full-on gun-happy imbecile, and Commando dropping one-liners (sometimes one-worders) and I just can’t keep from laughing giddily throughout. Once again, my immune system fails me in the face of unabashed cinematic crap. This is so bad it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

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Parental Guidance
Directed by Andy Fickman.
2012. Rated PG, 105 minutes.
Cast:
Billy Crystal
Bette Midler
Marisa Tomei
Tom Everett Scott
Bailee Madison
Joshua Rush
Kyle Harrison Breitkopf
Jennifer Crystal Foley
Rhoda Griffis
Gedde Watanabe
Tony Hawk

Alice (Tomei) and hubby Phil (Scott) haven’t had a vacation in years. Phil has a business trip coming up that he wants her to accompany him for that very reason since his work responsibilities will be minimal. With no other choice, the pair reluctantly decide to ask her parents to watch their three kids while they’re on this little rendezvous. Having been shut out of their grandkids’ lives, Artie (Crystal) and Diane (Midler) agree. The big deal is that Alice and Phil subscribe to a lot of new school parenting techniques while Artie and Diane are definitely old fashioned. Hijinks and shenanigans ensue.

Most of the humor revolves around the differing philosophies between the parents and grandparents as a paranoid Alice keeps hanging around out of fear that her dad will break her kids. The rest of the jokes are about the youngest child, Turner (Rush) and his imaginary kangaroo friend Carl. All of it is rather hit and miss with more misses. It’s kind of hard to hit when both the story and most of the gags are easily predictable.

What keeps Parental Guidance from being totally unwatchable is the level of cuteness it maintains throughout its run time. Sure, it can veer into just being cheesy, but there is a charm to the performances of Billy Crystal and Bette Midler. This is particularly evident whenever the movie turns to Crystal’s real life love: baseball. The twinkle in his eye is genuine and never wanes. For her part, Bette Midler is still a force of nature, still playful and infectious. Together, the two of them have a fun little song and dance number and some nice scenes with the kids.

Alas, our two stars can only do so much with the trite material. Cute is nice, but the movie seems to have no other ambitions. The big debate at its core, old school vs. new school, is waged as innocuously as possible with points made that we’ve all heard before. Marisa Tomei is sufficiently frantic, Tom Everett Scott blends into the scenery and the children are a collective “meh.” So while not a total waste, it never really grabs us and winds up being totally forgettable.

MY SCORE: 5/10

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Undefeated
Directed by Daniel Lindsay and T.J. Martin.
2011. Rated PG-13, 113 minutes.
Cast:
Bill Courtney
O.C. Brown
Montrail “Money” Brown
Chavis Daniels

Manassas High School in Memphis, TN has no football history worth speaking of unless noting how remarkably bad they’ve been through the years. Even though the school has been in existence since 1899, yes 1899, they’ve not won so much as a single playoff game. Ever. In fact, when current Coach Bill Courtney took over, they hadn’t won a football game of any kind in fourteen years. Over the handful of seasons he’s been there, the team has at least shown signs of life, winning a few games each year and visibly improving. He hopes this will be the year the school finally manages to get off the playoff snide.

By itself, a school with that athletic history reaching for loftier heights than they’ve ever attained would be worthy of a documentary. However, that’s merely the tip of the iceberg. Coach Courtney didn’t just inherit a bad football program. He’s also inherited a roster full of kids with tough situations, poverty and broken homes among the most common problems. This doesn’t even take into account that he’s a white coach at an all-black school. We follow him as he tries to make school history and simultaneously mentor his players, build up their character as young men.

Other than the coach, we spend most of our time with three players. There’s O.C., a lovable giant who is a gifted athlete but struggles in the classroom. Next is “Money,” another nice kid. He outperforms his size on the field. Off the field, he’s an emotional wreck, sensitive almost beyond belief. Finally, we have Chavis. He’s the type of kid your parents warned you about. The chip seems permanently affixed to his shoulder. He’s perpetually angry and occasionally violent thanks to a hair-trigger temper. In fact, we only get to meet him after he’s finished a stint in juvie.

As it turns out, Coach Courtney is married with children of his own. We get a glimpse at how his spending so much time with his team is affecting them. Unfortunately, this is the one area where the movie feels like it doesn’t go far enough. We hear from his wife, but never directly from his children. I suspect this is by the coach’s choice so I can’t knock the movie too hard.

Really, it’s hard to knock the movie too much at all. Each situation grabs us by the throat and doesn’t let go. As a result, it’s easy to get choked up a time or two as certain things happen and other things don’t. It’s so wonderful as what it is, I hope no one ever gets the bright idea to make a scripted movie out of it. Whatever spit shine some writer applies to it will likely rub away the beautiful rawness of it and oversimplify until we have a tired sequel to The Blindside. Undefeated deserves better. It deserves to be left alone because it is magnificent as it is.

MY SCORE: 10/10

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42
Directed by Brian Helgeland.
2013. Rated PG-13, 128 minutes.
Cast:
Chadwick Boseman
Harrison Ford
Nicole Beharie
Christopher Meloni
Andre Holland
Alan Tudyk
Lucas Black
Hamish Linklater
Ryan Merriman
T.R. Knight
John C. McGinley
Max Gail

The story of how Jackie Robinson became the first African-American to play Major League Baseball, as a member of the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947, transcended the sports world as it was happening to become part of American history. He’s the most important sports figure of the twentieth century. Even if you think that statement is false, you’d have to agree he’s on the short list of possible candidates. With that in mind, 42 takes on the daunting task of telling a tale where everyone know the outcome.

We meet Jackie (Boseman) in 1945 while he’s playing Negro League Baseball for the Kansas City Monarchs. A quick incident at a gas station with a “whites only” restroom shows him as the type of guy who doesn’t take racism lying down. We also meet Branch Rickey (Ford), owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers. He’s looking for a man worthy of breaking baseball’s color barrier. He settles on Robinson even though those closest to him don’t think Jackie’s the right kind of guy. You should at least have a general idea of the rest. If not, just keep watching the movie.

Taken on its own terms, 42 is a fine movie. It does precisely what it wants to do, in the manner it wants to do it. We get a solid feeling of what our hero went through as he took the field more alone than any man ever had. His ordeal turns our stomach and we can’t help but root for him. Chadwick Boseman is good, if unspectacular, in the lead role. Far more impressive is his supporting cast. Of course, there’s Harrison Ford, just perfect as Branch Rickey. Nearly as good, in less flashier roles, are Nicole Beharie as Jackie’s wife Rachel and Andre Holland as reporter Wendell Smith. Smith is tasked with both chronicling Robinson’s journey and being somewhat of a personal assistant for the ballplayer. Others in the cast all shine when their time comes. Through their work and some adequate storytelling we hit some highs and lows en route to a welcome feel good story. The end. For most people.

For me, this is a very watchable, easily likable, but sorely lacking film. Most of my criticism is for what this movie isn’t. Maybe I’m being entirely unfair, but it’s not the Jackie Robinson story I wanted to see. This is 1947 visualized precisely as I’ve heard it, and read it, hundreds of times throughout the course of my life. The filmmakers play it far safer than Jackie himself ever did. For starters, it falls into the trap that nearly every telling of the story does. It’s not truly about the man. It’s about reactions. Somewhat, the reactions are his to whites, on an off the field, who felt compelled to shout epithets and/or put up obstacles to his success. Mostly, 42 is about white reaction to his presence. The movie also completely ignores the fact that a young black man named Larry Doby started his Major League career shortly after Robinson and dealt with the same garbage during the very same season. Then again, that part of the story almost always gets left out.

My biggest gripe is that the rest of our hero’s life is a story worth telling. This could easily have been a three plus hour epic going at least as far back as his days as a star athlete at UCLA, if not all the way to the beginning and going forward until his death. He did not just fade into oblivion once his playing days were over. In many ways, his baseball career was only the beginning of his public struggle for civil rights. The Jackie we get here is a fine conduit for our empathy, but much of that is due to our own sensibilities. The truth is that, as he is presented, he’s largely uninteresting. Giving us a fuller picture of the man would surely change that. As it stands, a movie focused on Branch Rickey, or Rachel Robinson, or Wendell Smith, could’ve accomplished the same thing with a more intriguing protagonist.

It probably sounds as if I don’t like 42 when that’s not the case. I enjoyed it quite a bit. It’s well put together and hits most of the right notes. I can nitpick the baseball scenes all day, but if you’re not an avid fan of the sport things are probably not bad enough to notice. I don’t even mind the totally fabricated finale. It’s a happy moment that fits so well into the movie that I can easily see why it was done. In the end, I had fun watching. I just want more than it’s willing to give me.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

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Hit & Run
Directed by Dax Shepard and David Palmer.
2012. Rated R, 100 minutes.
Cast:
Dax Shepard
Kristen Bell
Bradley Cooper
Tom Arnold
Joy Bryant
Kristin Chenoweth
Michael Rosenbaum
Beau Bridges
Ryan Hansen
David Koechner

Charlie Bronson (Shepard), not his real name, is living a quiet life in a small town with his girlfriend Annie (Bell). He doesn’t have much choice in lifestyle since he’s in witness program. Annie informs him she needs to go to Los Angeles really quickly for a lucrative job opportunity. After some arguing he reluctantly agrees. The only problem is that L.A. is where the people he’s hiding from live. If they find him, they will kill him. Thanks to Annie’s jealous ex Gil (Rosenbaum), they know he’s coming. And since Charlie didn’t get permission to make the trip, his buddy, and incompetent fed Randy (Arnold), is also in pursuit.

The elements are all in place for a fun action romp, but the pieces doen’t quite come together sufficiently. Writer/co-director/star Dax Shepard’s Charlie is an interesting character. He does his best to endow the character with empathetic qualities. At times it works, other times it doesn’t. The same goes for Kristen Bell’s Annie. She’s presented as a romantic, and somewhat naïve. He’s also a romantic and trying to protect her innocence. However, their arguments are more annoying than heart wrenching. This is even more problematic than normal because it’s all presented as a comedy. Though each person makes valid points, neither says anything funny.

Comedy is an issue throughout. There are moments of hilarity, but many of the jokes fall flat. This is especially the case with Tom Arnold’s character. Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood for slapstick involving guns, but his bungling with firearms quickly grows tiresome. Other officers of the law aren’t much brighter. Most of their dialogue revolves around a cell phone app for locating nearby (and horny) homosexuals. Again, a funny moment here and there, but largely just repetitive. The best joke, and we even get it twice, involves a hotel room full of naked seniors.

All of this leads us to Bradley Cooper in the bad guy role. Like everyone and everything else in the movie, he’s presented in a comedic tone but almost never makes us laugh. Therefore, we’re left to marvel at how evil he is. Yes, he’s a bad guy. Still, he doesn’t really set himself apart from other movie villains. Well, that’s not entirely true. His appearance is reminiscent of Gary Oldman’s in True Romance. In keeping with the look, he has a black girlfriend, Neve played by Joy Bryant. When we first meet him, he has a confrontation with a very large and angry black man. A physical altercation between the two, with Cooper coming out on top is expected and wouldn’t normally matter much except as a way to establish his badness. However, him dragging said black man along the ground by wrapping a chain around the dude’s neck and force-feeding him dog food is too far over the top, regardless of who he’s sleeping with. It also grates against the rest of the movie’s overt political correctness.

Hit & Run fares better in the action department. Much of the fun is had during the various chase scenes. They’re fun and create a palpable sense of danger. I would love to have seen much more of Charlie’s old suped up Lincoln than we do, but that’s really my only complaint in that department. Overall, these chases make the movie somewhat watchable. However, it is still very uneven. It’s never so terrible we have to turn it off. On the other hand, we wouldn’t be horribly upset if someone else did.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

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Les Misérables
Directed by Tom Hooper.
2012. Rated PG-13, 158 minutes.
Cast:
Hugh Jackman
Russell Crowe
Anne Hathaway
Amanda Seyfried
Eddie Redmayne
Helena Bonham Carter
Sacha Baron-Cohen
Samantha Barks
Aaron Tveit
Daniel Huttlestone
Cavin Cornwall

Let’s start with a little personal history. Somehow, in all my years, I’ve never seen any sort of production of Les Misérables, not even part of one. I’ve also managed to remain completely ignorant of its plot. The only two things I know about it going in are that it’s a musical and it is legendary in the theater world. Without any other point of reference, I’m free to judge this on its own merits without comparing it to what was done on the stage.

On another personal note, my family refused to watch with me. These are the same people that get excited over the mention of Mamma Mia!, High School Musical, and the remakes of Fame, and Sparkle. This doesn’t even include all the dance movies they watch over and over…and over. When I mention this, my oldest daughter sums up their collective anguish at the notion of taking in Les Mis when she twists her face into a pained look and says “Yeah, but this is…like opera or something.” With that, they scatter about the house leaving me alone with my virginal perspective on this old tale. Play.

A couple decades after The French Revolution, we meet Jean Valjean (Jackman). He is among a group of chained inmates charged with manually pulling a rather large ship into port. This difficult task is made even more so by the fact that they’re singing as they work. Hey, I am watching a musical…like opera or something. So yes, 99.9% of the dialogue is sang, but I digress. Valjean has been locked up for nineteen years for stealing a loaf of bread. Immediately following the boat scene, he’s finally granted parole.

However, he remains on probation and must report to his parole officer every so often. Pissed at the notion, he tears up his freedom papers, violates his probation by never reporting, and goes on the run. He becomes such a model citizen that when we skip ahead eight years, he is now the beloved mayor of a small town, under a different name of course. Sure enough, his old warden Javert (Crowe) is after him, forcing him to go on the run again. The difference this time is that he has also vowed to care for the daughter of Fantine (Hathaway), a young female employee at the local sweat shop who dies with no one to provide for her offspring. From this point forward, the movie is essentially a cat-and-mouse between the two men.

The first thing we notice is the look of the movie. The opening scene is flat out stunning. Even though the rest of the film doesn’t quite measure up to first impressions, it’s a wonderful rendering of what France may have looked like at the time. No shots of snooty folk sipping wine at an outdoor restaurant with the Eiffel Tower in the background. This is a place that is rotting from the inside. Its core has gone bad. What we see is a perfect representation of the country’s political climate.

Next, we notice the startling first shot of Hugh Jackman. With a long scraggly beard and seven layers of dirt on seemingly every inch of him he quickly dispels our preconceived notions. The last time we see him this way, his first big solo, is an amazing moment. The rest of his performance doesn’t disappoint, either. He’s just plain good. In fact, he’s better than good. I know he did a lot of theater before hitting it big on the silver screen. The experience shows. His emotions bubble to the surface, compelling us to watch. It’s not until after the movie that we realize we just saw Wolverine singing…like opera or something.

Aside from our hero, we get a wonderful turn by Anne Hathaway, in just a few scenes. She gives us a gut-wrenching few minutes of screen time. There is also a rather fun performance by our comic relief, the duo of Sacha Baron-Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter. They provide the movie with a sorely needed element of playfulness even though the tandem combines to form the movie’s secondary villain. In what’s become an overlooked portrayal, perhaps due to the sheer bigness of the other names in the cast, Samantha Barks is also very good. I’m not completely sold on the crooning Russell Crowe, but he doesn’t embarrass himself.

Story-wise, the movie holds together fairly well, but strains its own credibility in a few places. First, the warring between France’s citizens and its government is built up to be of supreme importance, as it should be, but then revealed to be merely a backdrop for the romance of Cosette (Seyfried) and Marius (Redmayne). It feels like rebellion was only a trivial pursuit for him that didn’t go so well. Worse, I don’t believe one second of this romance to begin with. Sure, I can make allowances for love at first sight in movies, but this feels especially under baked. The whole thing is too sudden and they’re too immediately overwhelmed by the other. It’s reminiscent of what happens when Romeo meets Juliet, but without any of the same weight. It’s clearly a subplot, but pushed out front as if it is what we should be focusing on. I’ve no clue whether or not this works on stage. Here, I couldn’t quite be convinced.

My lack of belief in the blossoming love of the couple in question leaves the core of the last few scenes a bit hollow for me. Fortunately, Jackman pulls me back in with his final number. It’s a fitting close to the story. This man who has been through so much finally appears too tired to continue. Since he is the reason we watch, it’s only right that he sends us off with one last heartfelt song. When that song ends we have what is, in my opinion, the best musical in several years, probably since the terrifically morbid Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. It’s certainly the best of a strangely crowded field. That said, if musicals aren’t your thing, steer clear. After all, it’s…like opera or something.

MY SCORE: 8.5/10

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Wanderlust
Directed by David Wain.
2012. Rated R, 98 minutes.
Cast:
Jennifer Aniston
Paul Rudd
Justin Theroux
Malin Akerman
Kathryn Hahn
Lauren Ambrose
Alan Alda
Joe Lo Truglio
Ken Marino
Jordan Peele
Michaela Watkins
Kerri Kenney
Linda Lavin

After losing his job, George (Rudd) and his wife Linda (Aniston) are forced to move out of their expensive Manhattan “mini loft.” Seeing no other options, the couple packs everything in their car and drives to Atlanta where George will work for his brother. On the way, they decide to stop at what they think is a bed-and-breakfast named Elysium, but turns out to be a 1960s style commune. Their immense enjoyment of the night, combined with the fact that George’s brother Rick (Marino) is relentlessly obnoxious, lead them to try and make a full-blown lifestyle switch. They decide they’ll stay at Elysium for a few weeks then decide whether or not to move there permanently.

The couple in question each struggles with their new surroundings in different ways. Of course, the jokes revolve around this. Specifically, we get riffs on the lack of privacy, drug us, the nudist wine-maker/novelist, and whether or not engage in free love. It’s all rather hit or miss, mostly miss. Our two leads give stock performances. Neither is bad, just indistinguishable from most of their other roles. The problem is that they both work best when they’re not the primary source of humor. This renders them, and the movie, almost wholly dependent on the supporting cast for comedy while their interactions with each other come across more as drama. Each has a funny moment or two, but not enough to sustain an entire movie.

With that in mind, we must turn our attention to the rest of the ensemble. First, there is Seth, played by a very Charles Manson looking Justin Theroux. He spends the bulk of his screen time referencing dated technology and trying to get into Linda’s pants. He’s mildly amusing on occasion. Next is Kathy (Kenney) and Karen (Hahn). I mention them together because that is almost always how they’re seen. Indeed, they seem to be playing opposite sides of the same coin. One is passive-aggressive while the other is prone to angry outbursts. Again, just a laugh or two from each. Another pair is Rodney (Peele) and Almond (Ambrose), a couple expecting a baby. They’re more consistently funny than those previously mentioned. The actual birth scene, which only includes George not Rodney, is by far the funniest moment in the film. It is also as scary as anything you’re likely to see in a horror flick. Alas, they don’t get as much time on screen as the others.

The standout for me is Alan Alda as Carvin, the wheelchair bound owner of Elysium. He’s not uproariously funny, but his performance is just so natural and infectious. Oh, I almost forgot about Wayne (Lo Truglio), the naked guy. Whether or not you find him funny depends on your tolerance for dick jokes. Another bright spot is Linda’s perpetually drunk sister-in-law Marissa (Watkins). Unlike anyone else in the movie, I think she is hilarious. Unfortunately, she shares all of her scenes with Rick, her Stifler inspired husband who is just annoying as all get out.

As for our plot, it just meanders along while the comfort level of our lovebirds moves in opposite directions. Obviously, they notice this which leads to numerous arguments and eventually brings us to the not-so-funny and sorta action-packed finale. By that point, we’re left to shrug our shoulders and try to decide if we like it or not since it is never good or bad enough for us to figure this out earlier. Then we realize that if there’s a debate about whether we like it, we probably don’t.

MY SCORE: 5/10

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Cloud Atlas
Directed by Lana Wachowski, Tom Twyker, and Andy Wachowski.
2012. Rated R, 172 minutes.
Cast:
Tom Hanks
Halle Berry
Jim Broadbent
Hugo Weaving
Jim Sturgess
Doona Bae
Ben Whishaw
James D’Arcy
Zhou Xun
Keith David
Susan Sarandon
Hugh Grant

When Cloud Atlas starts, we meet Tom Hanks speaking in some sort of broken English. He lives in a village that would fit snugly into a Robin Hood movie. In a few minutes, we meet him again. We’ll meet him several more times before it’s all said and done. In fact, the same goes for most everyone in the cast. The deal is that there are five plots playing out at various points in history, utilizing most the same actors for each. Oops, there are six stories. I lost count. In any event, I’m not going to recap them all. That would drive us both crazy. Suffice it to say they all get roughly equal screen time and they’re all related. The point of the movie is to show us how.

To say that putting together this puzzle is a massive undertaking is putting it lightly. Each story could probably have been a full-length feature on its own. They all have their own self-contained plot, but also fit into the larger narrative. The protagonist is played by a different person in each section. Even more than that, all of the parts play as different genres. Throughout its run time, we bounce from crime-thriller to science-fiction to comedy to elderly comedy and more. The order is not always the same, occasionally leaving us behind while we’re trying to figure out the connections in our head. It can be a bit disorienting. Thankfully, we eventually settle into a rhythm where we make the transitions almost as smoothly as the film.

Helping keep up the illusion that all of these stories will somehow connect at some point is our very game cast. The biggest name is Tom Hanks. He lives up to his top billing with excellent work here. He gives us a hero, a villain, and a few minor characters. The next biggest name is Halle Berry. Like a lot of guys, I’m a huge fan of how she looks. Unfortunately, that doesn’t translate to how I feel about her acting. It is on rare occasion that I praise her performance. No, Monster’s Ball was not one of those times. I don’t care what the Academy says. She’s not award worthy here, either, but she holds her own. That is, she holds her own except for when she's paired with Hanks, then she’s completely overshadowed. She fares much better in her other scenes, of which there are many.

The one actor not overshadowed by anyone is the amazing Hugo Weaving. Even though I don’t recall him ever switching sides, I think he’s a bad guy in all of his parts, he is magnificent every time. However, I’d be remiss if I failed to mention that he benefits more than anyone from the work done by the makeup team. I mean, one of his characters is a woman which he plays far more convincingly than Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, Martin Lawrence, or Tyler Perry. The takeaway here is that I don’t often mention makeup in a movie, unless it is exceptionally good or exceptionally bad. In this case, it’s outstanding. Aside from Weaving, others are almost completely unrecognizable in one guise or another, but in a good way.

With that cast, we criss-cross eras and try to make sense of it all. The first clues lie in the audible narration that pops up often, all the way through the movie. It is usually used as a way to link the various events. It’s all rather pretentious sounding stuff, to be honest, but they lead us to the inevitable question: What does it all mean? The first thing that pops into my head is that a case is being made for us to believe in reincarnation. Next is simple proof of the old adage that history repeats itself. Both of those leave me with the nagging sensation that something deeper is going on. I have my theories, but I don’t think I’m ready to share. I’m still piecing it together in my head. What that tells me is that CA is one of those movies it takes several viewing to truly appreciate. This is likely the reason it didn’t fare so well at the box office. Leaving the theater having to figure out what you’ve just seen isn’t as appealing when you’ve paid ten or fifteen bucks per ticket. In the comfort of your own home, you might be more forgiving, more willing to give it multiple spins. Still, that’s what makes it a classic ‘love it’ or ‘hate it’ film; frustrating for many not willing to dig through so many layers, yet highly fascinating for those who are. I imagine you know what type of viewer you are. At least, I hope you do. If you’re not a digger, move along, nothing to see here. If you are, the question becomes will you like it enough on your initial viewing to make you want to see it a few more times?

MY SCORE: 9/10

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Bachelorette
Directed by Leslye Headland.
2012. Rated R, 98 minutes.
Cast:
Kirsten Dunst
Lizzy Caplan
Isla Fisher
James Marsden
Rebel Wilson
Paul Corning
Adam Scott
Andrew Rannells
Sue Jean Kim
Kyle Bornheimer
Hayes MacArthur

Becky (Wilson) is getting married tomorrow to the man of her dreams. Naturally, her three bestest high school buddies - Regan (Dunst), Gena (Caplan) and Katie (Fisher) – are in her wedding. Regan is the tightly wound maid-of-honor while the other two are notorious party animals. The bride turns in early to rest up for the big day and disappears from the movie until near the end. If you’ve been paying attention you’ve noticed I haven’t even named the man who wins her hand. As in most weddings, mine included, the groom is little more than a prop, so there. Anyhoo, with the other girls left to their own devices they manage to destroy the wedding dress. In the midst of confronting old loves, meeting potential new loves, and overdosing, a mad dash to fix the gown ensues.

Like many movies, Bachelorette isn’t winning any awards for originality, either of premise nor execution. Every note is struck precisely on time with nary a surprise to be found anywhere. Yes, this bridesmaid will hook up with that guy. Yes, this will happen and that will too, right when you expect it. Unfortunately, its predictability is pretty much the bright spot. That’s not entirely true. The performance of Lizzy Caplan as Gena is pretty good, better than the material she’s working with. Kirsten Dunst has the flashiest role and gets to rage against the world. She’s no Meryl Streep, but it works.

On the other hand, the movie utterly wastes Rebel Wilson. When you have, arguably, the funniest woman in Hollywood in your cast, you don’t make her play the straight role. You certainly don’t compound the error by sending her to her room while the others go out and play. Even with material as lame and telegraphed as this, her sheer energy would be good for a few more laughs than we actually got. For proof, one needs to look no further than the awful What to Expect When You’re Expecting. She also has a bit part in that catastrophe, but lights up the screen during the brief instances in which she appears. And, since you’re probably thinking it, she absolutely is far and away the best thing about Pitch Perfect. Here, she’s an All-Star riding the bench while the scrubs run up and down the court. Her absence from most of the proceedings reveals a simple truth about Bachelorette. That truth is that the only reason her character is the titular one is because there is already a movie called Bridesmaids.

Ms. Wilson’s role is also at the heart of an even bigger issue with this picture: it’s lack of heart. It thinks it’s funny by using a lot of dirty words and some explicit sex talk. In, and of itself, this is not the issue as there is the occasional laugh to be had from this. The problem is that this is the vehicle through which Bachelorette is incessantly and aggressively mean spirited. The fact that the bride is the butt of many of the jokes is bad, but not totally cringe-worthy by itself. What takes it over the edge is that the movie tries to pass these people off as her friends. They are anything but. We very clearly get the message they let her hang around all these years because she’s not as physically attractive as they are (as per societal norms), is willing to take the fall for their crap, and tolerates it when they call her names. She’s simply someone to blame and make fun of. Therefore, it looks like they only try to get her dress fixed is because they are inexplicably wrong and wish to maintain their access to a good-natured scapegoat, not out of some deep sense of friendship.

Believe it, or not, so much suckiness is thankfully crammed into an hour and a half. However, since I started checking my watch about fifteen minutes in, it feels much much longer. I didn’t think the hands of time could move so slowly. It obviously wants to be the aforementioned Bridesmaids, but can’t carry the movie’s sports bra. Truthfully, I think Bridesmaids is overrated, but at least it makes me laugh. I can’t say the same for Bachelorette.

MY SCORE: 2/10