Dell's Pointless Lists: Fictional Movie Football Team

[Glenbino]

Someone didn't read the rules.

[dell71]

Defensive Backfield

Starters:






Cornerbacks - Earl Wilkinson aka "Ray Smith" (Michael Jace), The Replacements and Trumaine (Wesley Snipes), Wildcats







Safeties - Guard Papajohn (Michael Papajohn), The Longest Yard (2005) and Stefan Djordjevic (Tom Cruise), All the Right Moves

Back-up - Spike Hammersmith (Sam Horrigan), Little Giants

We have four solid DBs. Earl...ahem...Ray and Trumaine are a pair of ball hawks at the corners. Ray can help return kicks, too. We might be a bit shy on technique at the safety spot since both Papajohn and Djordjevic are actually corners, as well. Still, they are good players so they should pick things up nicely. Depth is a bit of a problem. We're going with the humongous-for-his-age, but still small Spike Hammersmith. He's best known as a tailback, but he's logged plenty of time in the secondary, has a serious mean streak, and is already built like a safety which is where he'll get the most time. Sure, his habit of referring to himself in the third person gets annoying rather quickly, but there's no denying raw talent.

[dell71]

Offensive Line

Starters:







Tackles - Bud "Lite" Kaminsky (Abraham Benrubi), The Program and Patrick "Madman" Kelly (Andrew Bryniarsky), Any Given Sunday







Guards - Billy Bob (Ron Lester), Varsity Blues and Andre "Action" Jackson (Michael Taliferro), The Replacements




Center - Manumana the Slender (Peter Tuiasosopo), Necessary Roughness


Back-ups - Jamal Jackson (Faizon Love), The Replacements...Jumbo (Ace Yonamine), The Replacements...Rudy "The Gas Man" Zoltek (Michael Zweiner), Little Giants...Turley (The Great Khali), The Longest Yard (2005)

Bud "Lite" Kaminsky will be an absolute anchor at left tackle. "Madman" Kelly, on the opposite side, is nearly as good. He also bears a striking resemblance to defensive end Steve Lattimer. Manumana is a massive center who can take on multiple blockers even while handling snap duties. We're taking some chances with our guards, though. Billy Bob isn't in the best shape and is prone to concussions, but he's hard to move. He also might be able to sneak out and catch a pass or two. "Action" Jackson works best when his brother Jamal is on the field, who isn't starting. However, due to Billy Bob's issues we can foresee him getting a lot of time. Jumbo will also see some time, if for no other reason than he's, well, jumbo. Turley has an extremely low football IQ, or regular IQ, for that matter. Still, he's a mountain of a man who can play some d-line, also. "The Gas Man" will fill-in if we really get in a pinch. He is undersized, but has a rather potent secret weapon.

[dell71]

Receivers

Starters:







Wide Receivers - Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.), Jerry Maguire and Jimmy Sanderson (Bill Bellamy), Any Given Sunday

Back-ups - Charlie Tweeter (Scott Caan), Varsity Blues...Clifford Franklin (Orlando Jones), The Replacements...Phil Elliot (Nick Nolte), North Dallas Forty




Tight End - Brian Murphy (David Denman), The Replacements

Tidwell is a money receiver. Literally. His recent willingness to go over the middle has elevated him to elite status. All I have to say about Sanderson is that he was the go-to-guy on a team that included Terrell Owens, and T.O. didn't even complain about it. Tweeter will work the slots. We just need to make sure we keep him out of the bars the night before games. Franklin is a little iffy in the hands department, but can stretch the field. We're not sure how much we can get out of Elliot. He goes through more than seems humanly possibly just to make it onto the field, but age is catching up with him. He still has great hands, though, so he'll be out there in key third-down situations. Plus, we might line him up at tight end from time to time, a position he's more suited to these days. We will have to. Brian Murphy is the team's only true tight end. We think we've got a good one despite the fact that he's deaf.

[j.hen]

[dell71]

Not a movie.

[dell71]

Running Backs


Starters:




Tailback - Julian "J-Man" Washington (LL Cool J), Any Given Sunday




Fullback - Ray Griffen (Leon Pridgen), The Program


Back-ups - Earl Megget (Nelly), The Longest Yard (2005)...Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps), The Program...Wendell Brown (Eliel Swinton), Varsity Blues

We are absolutely loaded at this spot! Washington will be our workhorse. This includes getting the rock in most short yardage situations. No worries, there will be plenty of carries for Megget and Jefferson who both have game changing speed. Megget is inexperienced so we might not have him in on too many obvious passing downs and we'll have to keep an eye on Jefferson who has some fumbling issues in the past. Brown will be there to spell Washington and get the bulk of the carries should Washington go down. At the fullback spot, Griffen is actually a former tailback. After a tenuous adjustment period, he's taken quite nicely to delivering some crushing blocks. Every now and again we'll reward him with a carry or two.

[dell71]

Quarterbacks

Normally, I favor drop-back quarterbacks. I have to begrudgingly admit times are changing. I need someone who can make plays with his arm AND his legs. Maybe we can even put in some read-option and other new-fangled stuff. For this, there is no better option than...

"Steamin'" Willie Beamen (Jamie Foxx), Any Given Sunday

To back him up, we worked out everyone available. Of course, they all had some issues. Levander "Bird" Williams (Mykelti Williams, Wildcats) had some character issues. Johnny Moxon (James Van Der Beek, Varsity Blues) is not really all that into football. Lance Harbor (Paul Walker, Varsity Blues went into coaching. Joe Kingman (Dwayne Johnson, The Game Plan) doesn't have his heart in it anymore. Frank Cushman (Jerry O'Connell, Jerry Maguire) wants too much money. Seth Maxwell (Mac Davis, North Dallas Forty) was too much of a wild-card. We even worked out two guys named Paul Crewe (Burt Reynolds and Adam Sandler, both versions of The Longest Yard). The older one was extremely close to locking down that third string spot. The younger one was just as good, but looks too much like linebacker Bobby Boucher for our tastes. In the end we went with...

Shane "Footsteps" Falco (Keanu Reeves), The Replacements and Joe Pendleton (Warren Beatty), Heaven Can Wait

Falco has shown some unbelievable leadership skills and has just gotten over his big-game jitters. Pendleton is also quite the leader. Like I said, he and the two Crewes were close. In the end, Joe gets the nod because he has divine intervention on his side. After all, not only did the guy win a Super Bowl, he came back from the dead to do it!