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Well folks, week one is in the books and that can mean only one thing... It’s time for us to get all pompous and important and put all these teams and millionaire pro athletes in their places. We have everything from rookie sensations and let downs, to veteran late game heroics. Even though it is week one, we even have some people putting guys like Drew Brees down with 50 TD passes (more on this later), the Vikings in the Super Bowl, the Bears in the cellar and the Jets winning the AFC East. It's a knee jerk world people and the reflexes of the media couldn't be any better. The first game of the week was either a yawner or a defensive struggle, depending on who you ask, and the last game was a story of a team that just has no idea how to win. We have plenty of meat for the table so to speak, so without further attempts at building some kind of suspense, here is your host, the king of the late night grocery aisles, Steeljake!!!
Well, that was sort of nice, maybe he really does have bills to pay after all...
Here we are, the season has kicked off and the fortunes of even the usual bottom feeders haven't gone belly up just yet. 0-1 isn't the end of the world, not even in Cleveland or Oakland believe it or not, now when they get to 0-3, and they will, then we can talk apocalypse. While we haven't had a coach melt down on the podium yet it wouldn't have been to shocking to see Marvin Lewis added to the Coors Light commercial list after what can only be called a fluke play. Only in Cincy. The Lions went into New Orleans and continued their march to oblivion as they made Drew Brees look like Joe Montana and caused every talk show analyst to cry out for Brees to break 50 TD's by week 10. The Falcons, despite kicker Jason Elam doing his best Mike Vander-jerk impression missing two field goals and an extra point (no that’s not a typo), avoided the start of a sophomore slump thanks to Matt's new buddy tight end Tony G. The Dolphins, well they looked like a team that didn't have a gimmick, what a shock, count down to Chad Henne is at t-minus week 6; or 4 losses, whichever gets here first.
The Chargers and Pats were supposed to just walk through their opening games but someone forgot to tell Oakland and Buffalo, but thanks some questionable officiating in the bay area and even more questionable special teams play in Foxboro, all is well in the AFC today. The Colts struggled, but of course they won, the Texans, well they struggled, and they lost... to a rookie head coach and quarter back. Nice way to start the season for what some have called a playoff contender huh? The 'Mike Shanahan will take your job sir’ watch is in full effect as the Skins gave the rest of the league film on how not to play the Giants. The Cowboys started slow, but thanks to a confused and, well I wanted to say something besides just bad but hey... it fits, bad Bucs team they got it rolling. The Seahawks welcomed coach Spags to mediocrity and the 9ers reminded Warner and company that they barely won the division last year. The Ravens put up 500 yards of offense (again, not a typo) and the Browns, well they are having that same nightmare that the Bears do every time they see AP get the ball. We also have a cracked McRib (props to EK from Mike and Mike), a Jake the fake sighting, a towel abusing avenged, and the realization that a QB who is under .500 for their career can't succeed with bums for wide outs.
We have plenty to get to this week, including the first ever Ugly section for week 1 with more than just Oakland and Cleveland in it, so what do you say we get right to it?!?!?
(OK, you could at least pretend to be excited...)
- The Baltimore Ravens... Offense?
OK, when I say Baltimore Ravens who here really thinks of 300 yards passing? If I told you they put up 38 points, that’s 5 touch downs and a field goal, and not one was scored by the defense would you even wait a second before calling me a liar? Well, I will grant that it was against a rebuilding Chiefs team, but that is exactly what happened. Joe Flacco passed for 307 yards going 26/43 (yes he threw it 43 times!!!) with td's and only 1 int and some guy named Ray Rice ran for 108 with his back field mate Willis McGahee getting under 50 yards but a TD for his trouble. Again, we all know it was against what can only be describe as a 'young' (read inexperienced or bad, whichever you feel like you understand best) Chiefs defense, but hey, this week they looked like they might have a team that won't have to ask the D to score 14 of their 17 points. We will see if this last when they play a real team.
- The Philadelphia E! A! G! L! E! ... <crack> Sh..!
Well, the good news they got the win, and looked pretty good doing it, right up until McNatsy got his McRib cracked by two d-lineman who 'tripped' and fell on him in the 3rd quarter. Westy actually carried the ball on some running plays and while it is true the D did most of the work thanks to a strug-a-ling Jake Delhomme, the Green machine looked like it might live up to the hype. Feeley was cut in the off-season and before they could call him the Panthers signed him so good ole Jeff Garcia was called in to hold it down until the Dogboy gets off his leash. This could be interesting to say the least, but for now the Iggles are 1-0 and McDonalds in Charlotte is counting their receipts from Andy's American Express and calling the distributor for more Big Mac sauce.
- The Minnesota Adrian Peterson's... I mean Vikings
OK, I know it is only week one, and the Browns do suck, and I mean they really suck, but AP, or AD or just plain superman if you like, not only rushed for a buck eighty, but he face palmed most the Cleveland defense and at one point I think he was actually slowing down so he could give them the Heisman pose. Who gives a hoot if Favre is their quarter back, a trained monkey could do that job. I mean what does the coach even have to say to Favre these days...
"Ok, I know your best days are behind you. Hell, we all know it, that’s why I picked you up. I know you can't throw it more than 15 yards and I don’t want you too. That idiot Tavaris thinks he needs to throw the ball and I can’t legally break his arm so I did the next best thing, I broke his heart. You want to win Brett? You want Green bay to eat crow? Ok, here's the game plan... Hand it off and tell Adrian to run right. When they start to stop that, tell him to go left. When they start to get the jist of that, yell out that he is going left and then watch them get crushed trying to stop him. Pass the ball? If I see you try to audible I will personally break your other arm. Have a good game!!"
Oh, and the defense looks good too.
- The J! - E! - T! - S!, Jets, Jets, Jets!!!
I will say that I am happy for young Mr. Sanchez. I mean he was thrown under the bus by Pete Carroll for leaving school, he gets the pep talk from Broadway Joe and his coach’s mouth is writing checks that Sanchez’s ass will have to cash on the field. He could have crumbled, he could have failed and no one would have really blamed him, but instead he stood up behind that all pro offensive line and threw a pick and a wide open TD and let the Texans underestimate his team to get a win. That’s the good news, the bad news is Rex Ryan can't be shut up if they win, every time they get the W more craziness and more checks payable by his rookie qb's body parts will be cut. So for now I say good job and congrats, but look out for the Dirty Sanchez...
- The New York Football Giants
Eli? Who is Eli? If he isn't part of that nasty front 4 it doesn't really matter because no one is game planning for anything else. Jason Campbell looked like Big Ben, minus the fourth quarter come back and winning the game part, being chased around by Osi and his merry band of sack monsters. Brandon Jacobs still looks like a linebacker and when he gets moving down hill people either get out of the way or get hurt, either way it is fun to watch. As for the missing piece at wide out... meh, who needs a passing game when you can just kill the other quarterback. I have audio footage of the Giants defensive huddle, this is an exclusive GBU tape...
Mathias Kiwanuka: Say fellas, did you try that bisque at dinner last night?
Justin Tuck: I felt the chef used a bit too much white pepper, but it wasn't unpalpable by any means.
Antonio Pierce: I like chicken…
M.K.: I agree Justin, but the beef Wellington more than made up for the short coming of the soup course.
J.T.: I can't say I disagree, but the crème broulee was absolutely divine!!
Osi Umenyoura: I have five hour energy drinks if you need them...
A.P.: … and mashed taters if I can get 'em hot.
Chris Canty: <drooling, shaking uncontrollably and pointing at the Panthers> The huddle!! They broke the huddle!!!
M.K.: Well, what do you say my dear boy Justo? Shall we dine this afternoon?
J.T.: Indeed, sir! Quarterback soup anyone?!?!
A.P.: Food? Who has food?
<all: Break!>
- The San Francisco 49ers
The funniest thing about Mike Singletary teaching this team how not to be as soft as the city whose name they bear (pun intended) is that in the 80's, when Mike played, the 9ers D was nasty. People only remember Joe Cool and Jerry Rice but only at the expense of true beasts like Ronnie Lott, who is so tough he cut off a part of his finger and just kept on playing. This team may not have the firepower that those teams did, but sometimes heart is enough, just ask Kurt Warner. Just like the super bowl the game ended with Warner getting hit, this one did as well. Not much to say for 20 points, but in the NFL winning is the only thing that counts, style points are for those college kids. 1-0 is all that matters in Frisco this week.
(I think I may have a slight man-crush on good ole Mike, no romo)
- The Green Bay Packers
Brett who? Well not quite, but it may not be as far away as some of us once thought in the house that Lombardi built. It always helps when the other teams QB is color blind, but hey, get the hits where you can right? A win at home against a division rival is always a positive way to start out the season and while the memory won't last past Thursday, the next time they see the Monsters of the Midway at least Urlacher won't be back. Rodgers didn't exactly light the sky up, but he did get the W. Let the wishing for days past and old quarter backs be out to rest for one more week at least.
- The Pittsburgh Steelers Offensive (meant both ways...) Line
Yes, I am acutely aware that they won this game, and yes, they are in fact in the bad and just barely not in the ugly as far as I am concerned. Read on to find out why...
That smell wafting out of Pittsburgh and singeing your nose and making your eyes water is not a bunch of Pittsburghians hung over on Iron City beer and refusing to shower until the Steelers lose again. No, it isn't that toilet known as the Allegany River either. It is the 5 idiots who play on the offensive line. The over paid, over rated, fat, slow, stupid, clueless tubs of wasted organs and human flesh that dare to call themselves a 'unit' without giggling. This group couldn't stop me and 3 of my co-workers from Sam's from getting up close and personal with Big Ben or the poor running back who has drawn a death sentence to be in on that play. How in the world this team ever won a Super Bowl with these morons protecting Ben is beyond me. Yes, I am aware that the Titans Defense is that good, but gimme a break, Willie is not that washed up to have less than 20 yards on 13 carries. The good news is it can't any worse... right?
- The Houston Texas
A quick memo to the Houston coaching staff from the friendly people here at GBU central...
To: Coach Kubiak
From: GBU Central
Re: You got beat by a rookie...
Dear Sir,
You got beat by a rookie quarterback and head coach. I wouldn't under estimate the Titans in the same way. Have a nice week.
P.S. Mike Shanahan is watching you.
- The New Orleans Saints
Ok, this won't take long...
Congrats to Brees for dropping 6 td's on the Lions. I mean wow man that was HoF worthy, how could anyone ever say that you can't lead a team, I mean besides your penchant for gagging in the clutch and post season, but hey who remembers that kind of stuff anyways? Too bad you don't play the Lions 15 more times, have a nice season.
P.S. Your Defense still sucks and Bush is overrated.
P.P.S. The city rocks though, French Quarter FTW.
- The Denver Broncos
So, after all that off season hoopla, this team rolls into Cincy and gets beat 7-6. 6 points? All that crazy <phone rings> ... one second...
"Hello, GBU central, how can we help you? ... yes I said we ... well, it is only really just me but ... no I am not on drugs ... or stupid ... did you just call to insult me or what? ... yes, as a matter of fact I am writing that part right now ... about how the Broncos lost to the Bungles ... yes I watch TV ... yes I have cable ... what’s your point son?!?! ... they did what?!?!?! ... get the ffff ... why do you always try to mess with me? ... OK, OK, I will look it up on NFL.com ... yes, see you soon ... I am sure it’s hot where I am going ... yes thank you ... I hope you choke on it, bye now..."
Now where was I...?
So the Broncos pulled a miracle off and beat the Bungles after a sleeper of game with a whopping 6 points of offense through 3 plus quarters. How is it that the man that ran the Patriots awesome offensive attack has a team that only managed to put up two filed goals and a lucky TD? Oh that’s right, he traded his quarter back for a bunch of helmets and a few deep dish pizzas and pissed off his so called star wide out. Nice job Mc - D! Have fun rebuilding, Bill Belicheat says hi.
- The New England Patriots
1 point? You beat the sorry no account Bills by one stinking point?!?! I got nothing else. Nice win, look better doing it next time, people expect it to be pretty.
- The Sand Diego Super Chargers
4 points? You beat the sorry no account... hey, didn't I already do this? Man that deja vu is something else...
It's a good thing they wore those lucky powder blues, and that the officials screwed the raiders, but hey, it's a win and Rivers is still a classless bum. So everyone is happy.
P.S. LT is already hurt? Come on man!!!!!
- The Washington Redskins
The thing you hear that sounds like someone trying to clear their throat is Jason Campbell trying to get his wind pipe back open after having the Blue Crew's front four's hands around it all day. The good news is you only lost by 7, the bad news is that moral victories are for little league and the Special Olympics. Jim Zorn best watch his back, Shanny is watching son...
- The Arizona Cardinals
This is the beginning of what could be the curse of the Super Bowl loser, or at the very least proof that Todd Haley calls a better game than Coach Wiz. 15 runs and 44 passes in a close game? Who does Wisenhunt think he is, Andy Reid? I know Kurt Warner can complete bombs to Fitzy, but I guess he still falls down when he has to hand off. Now I know this might be giving away the plays a little, but Lienhart can hand it to beanie and Hightower without falling down right? The Cards travel to the east coast next week, and we all know how well that works out for them. Just to make sure they don't get too happy, the play the Colts in week 3. Well Arizona, here's to an 0-3 start...
- Da! Bearzzz...
OK, let’s get the check list out for a true Chi-town let down...
1. Overrated quarter back ... check.
2. Absolutely clueless wide receiver corps ... check.
3. An offensive coordinator so bad he couldn't call plays for the Colts ... check.
4. A great looking defense on paper that puts people on IR weekly ... check.
5. A loss to a division rival on primetime TV in which the QB throws at least 4 picks ... check.
Yup, looks like all is well in Chicago. We tried to reach a Bears fan for comment on the debut of Jay Cutler and the injury of Urlacher. Most replies were so slurred from the alcohol all we really got was...
"4 int's? Rex Grossman could have done that, what do we need this cry baby for?"
and
"Urlacher is out for the year?!?!?! Is he dead or something?"
Just for the record, Ditka went easy on them for losing this game, but if Jay continues to throw it to the wrong team the coach may not be so nice next time. Do you thin it is possible that Cutler is color blind? Isn't that a side effect of diabetes? By the way, Neckbeard said...
"pfffftttttt."
- The Buffalo Bills Leodis McKelvin
An open Letter to Mr. McKelvin from the Buffalo fans...
Dear Sir,
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Signed, Buffalo.
P.S. The Pats fans say the check is in the mail...
- The Oakland Raiders
OK, to be fair, they did get jobbed on that TD pass late in the first half. That was touch down and even my Raider hating eyes can see that. This team just doesn't know how to win to quote Steve Young (who I was sure was gonna get his tail whipped by Golic in that booth...). J- Russ has a cannon for an arm, but it is like me and the driver on the golf course... I can hit it a mile, but no one ever knows which way it will go. The defense looked great actually, but even a dominating D will tired when you team goes 3 and out. I would like to tell you that the debut of the great Derrius Heyward-Bey went well, but it looked like Crabtree was right to be mad, this kid couldn't catch a cold. I have Oakland down for 7 wins this year, but even with K.C. and Denver in rebuild mode and the Browns and Bungles on the schedule that may be a stretch. I heard Al had a cough... oh wait, sorry guys, he is OK. My bad.
Ok, this is where I usually come with some fake ad based off of a player or coach, but instead we will have a musical break this week; enjoy!!
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hyoszso38E"]YouTube - Weezer - Island In The Sun: Spike Jonze[/ame]
This is the part many people just skip right to I am told. Well, no pressure there right...
It's time once again, ladies and gentlemen!!! It’s time for the part of the show where we insult those who will never know it and better yet, never care. It's time to pretend that even the last guy on the practice squad isn't better off than I will ever be. It's time to pile on, to kick ‘em while their down, to... well you get the point right? This is the not nice section... It's the...
- The Kansas Shitty Chiefs
OK, you lost to the Ravens. No big deal, that D they have is monstrous. But you lost to the Ravens Offense, led by some dude named Flacco and a running back named Rice. Matt Cassell could have played if he wanted to, but he couldn't stop wetting his panties long enough to get in the game. Too bad Ray Lewis and his boys didn't do the real damage. I mean how bad do you have to be to give up 300 yards passing to Joe Flacco throwing to a guy who tried to retire? It is good you fired your offensive coordinator Mr. Haley, this way no one will think twice when you fire the defensive one as well. I know the fan’s of the Chiefs wanted Herm out, but is Mr. We-play-to-win-the-game really any worse than this? He sure does look and sound good on TV though.
- The Carolina Skunks
I used to live next door to a man named Walter Macon. Good ole Walt is veteran of 30 years in the Navy, 3 tours in Vietnam, and 20 years more as a high school shop teacher. He rooted for Dallas most of his life until Jerry Jones chased Tom Landry out and when the Panthers were born he became their number one fan. Back when Dom Capers and then George Siefert went a combined 46-66, with a 1-1 playoff record he always used to say he loved his skunks, no matter what. Recently he has actually called them the Panthers, most notably when they went to the Super Bowl a few years ago. Even after Jake Delhomme threw 5 picks in the divisional game he still called them the Panthers. After this past week, good ole Walt left me a message...
"Hey Jake, haven't heard from you in a couple of days... Gimme a ring when you get a chance, I got some drywall I need to hang. Oh, and I still love my skunks..."
How do you think that extension that Jakey boy signed in the off-season is helping Mr. Richardson recover from heart surgery?
- The Cleveland Browns
New coach, new year... same result. The great Eric Man-genius wanted to keep the starting quarterback hidden until game time, but not for the reason that you think. He wasn't concerned about the Vikings game planning for one guy or the other, he just needed the media not ask questions like “How is your defense prepared to stop Adrian Peterson?" and "Will Braylon Edwards catch something besides a staph infection this year?" It's not like he knew the answers to any of those questions anyways, but hey, that’s a smart PR move, too bad he can't coach. Oh, I just got word that AP has scored again.
- The Cincinnati Bungles
Tell me if you have heard this one before...
The Bengals look poised to win their home opener. They haven't really managed any kind of offense but the drove it down and scored with 38 seconds left. The D held Denver to a couple of field goals and special teams pinned the Broncos deep with one time out and 30 ticks to go. I mean it's in the bag right? The Broncos drop back to pass on second down and good ole Neckbeard heaves one into triple coverage and the game will be over...
But not yet say the Bungles...
The ball is tipped, Stokely grabs it and since the great pass coverage master Roy Williams had the deep assignment... and what a huge shock he came up for hit instead of playing his spot... Brandon runs the length of the field and just to be sure it's over he burns the clock down to 11 seconds by running parallel to the goal line. Only in Cincy people, long live the Bungles. Maybe the Hardknocks crew should have stayed with them all year. I would’ve loved have witnessed Marv's post game locker room address.
- The St. Louis Rams
28-0, that's right, twenty eight to nothing, zip, nada, zilch, donut, zero, el sucko, or in latin suckitus out-loud-is. Hey look at it this way, Spags is a defensive guy and they only scored 28 right? The race for the number one draft pick is on people, ready, set... fall flat on your face. Does anyone else think he will try to trade Steven Jackson for Osi?
Ok people, that’s all the pontificating I can do for one week. Please send all hate mail, love letters and death threats here, and as always, please remember...
This is only my opinion and that and 300 bucks plus tax, parking, 80 more for food, 35 more for 2 beers and $1.85 in tolls will get you to and from the nose bleed seats at the game you could have watched in HD at home. Tune in next week when we will here Mike Singletary say...
"Steeljake? Who is that and why is he on my lawn?"
Well, that was sort of nice, maybe he really does have bills to pay after all...
Here we are, the season has kicked off and the fortunes of even the usual bottom feeders haven't gone belly up just yet. 0-1 isn't the end of the world, not even in Cleveland or Oakland believe it or not, now when they get to 0-3, and they will, then we can talk apocalypse. While we haven't had a coach melt down on the podium yet it wouldn't have been to shocking to see Marvin Lewis added to the Coors Light commercial list after what can only be called a fluke play. Only in Cincy. The Lions went into New Orleans and continued their march to oblivion as they made Drew Brees look like Joe Montana and caused every talk show analyst to cry out for Brees to break 50 TD's by week 10. The Falcons, despite kicker Jason Elam doing his best Mike Vander-jerk impression missing two field goals and an extra point (no that’s not a typo), avoided the start of a sophomore slump thanks to Matt's new buddy tight end Tony G. The Dolphins, well they looked like a team that didn't have a gimmick, what a shock, count down to Chad Henne is at t-minus week 6; or 4 losses, whichever gets here first.
The Chargers and Pats were supposed to just walk through their opening games but someone forgot to tell Oakland and Buffalo, but thanks some questionable officiating in the bay area and even more questionable special teams play in Foxboro, all is well in the AFC today. The Colts struggled, but of course they won, the Texans, well they struggled, and they lost... to a rookie head coach and quarter back. Nice way to start the season for what some have called a playoff contender huh? The 'Mike Shanahan will take your job sir’ watch is in full effect as the Skins gave the rest of the league film on how not to play the Giants. The Cowboys started slow, but thanks to a confused and, well I wanted to say something besides just bad but hey... it fits, bad Bucs team they got it rolling. The Seahawks welcomed coach Spags to mediocrity and the 9ers reminded Warner and company that they barely won the division last year. The Ravens put up 500 yards of offense (again, not a typo) and the Browns, well they are having that same nightmare that the Bears do every time they see AP get the ball. We also have a cracked McRib (props to EK from Mike and Mike), a Jake the fake sighting, a towel abusing avenged, and the realization that a QB who is under .500 for their career can't succeed with bums for wide outs.
We have plenty to get to this week, including the first ever Ugly section for week 1 with more than just Oakland and Cleveland in it, so what do you say we get right to it?!?!?
(OK, you could at least pretend to be excited...)
The Good
- The Baltimore Ravens... Offense?
OK, when I say Baltimore Ravens who here really thinks of 300 yards passing? If I told you they put up 38 points, that’s 5 touch downs and a field goal, and not one was scored by the defense would you even wait a second before calling me a liar? Well, I will grant that it was against a rebuilding Chiefs team, but that is exactly what happened. Joe Flacco passed for 307 yards going 26/43 (yes he threw it 43 times!!!) with td's and only 1 int and some guy named Ray Rice ran for 108 with his back field mate Willis McGahee getting under 50 yards but a TD for his trouble. Again, we all know it was against what can only be describe as a 'young' (read inexperienced or bad, whichever you feel like you understand best) Chiefs defense, but hey, this week they looked like they might have a team that won't have to ask the D to score 14 of their 17 points. We will see if this last when they play a real team.
- The Philadelphia E! A! G! L! E! ... <crack> Sh..!
Well, the good news they got the win, and looked pretty good doing it, right up until McNatsy got his McRib cracked by two d-lineman who 'tripped' and fell on him in the 3rd quarter. Westy actually carried the ball on some running plays and while it is true the D did most of the work thanks to a strug-a-ling Jake Delhomme, the Green machine looked like it might live up to the hype. Feeley was cut in the off-season and before they could call him the Panthers signed him so good ole Jeff Garcia was called in to hold it down until the Dogboy gets off his leash. This could be interesting to say the least, but for now the Iggles are 1-0 and McDonalds in Charlotte is counting their receipts from Andy's American Express and calling the distributor for more Big Mac sauce.
- The Minnesota Adrian Peterson's... I mean Vikings
OK, I know it is only week one, and the Browns do suck, and I mean they really suck, but AP, or AD or just plain superman if you like, not only rushed for a buck eighty, but he face palmed most the Cleveland defense and at one point I think he was actually slowing down so he could give them the Heisman pose. Who gives a hoot if Favre is their quarter back, a trained monkey could do that job. I mean what does the coach even have to say to Favre these days...
"Ok, I know your best days are behind you. Hell, we all know it, that’s why I picked you up. I know you can't throw it more than 15 yards and I don’t want you too. That idiot Tavaris thinks he needs to throw the ball and I can’t legally break his arm so I did the next best thing, I broke his heart. You want to win Brett? You want Green bay to eat crow? Ok, here's the game plan... Hand it off and tell Adrian to run right. When they start to stop that, tell him to go left. When they start to get the jist of that, yell out that he is going left and then watch them get crushed trying to stop him. Pass the ball? If I see you try to audible I will personally break your other arm. Have a good game!!"
Oh, and the defense looks good too.
- The J! - E! - T! - S!, Jets, Jets, Jets!!!
I will say that I am happy for young Mr. Sanchez. I mean he was thrown under the bus by Pete Carroll for leaving school, he gets the pep talk from Broadway Joe and his coach’s mouth is writing checks that Sanchez’s ass will have to cash on the field. He could have crumbled, he could have failed and no one would have really blamed him, but instead he stood up behind that all pro offensive line and threw a pick and a wide open TD and let the Texans underestimate his team to get a win. That’s the good news, the bad news is Rex Ryan can't be shut up if they win, every time they get the W more craziness and more checks payable by his rookie qb's body parts will be cut. So for now I say good job and congrats, but look out for the Dirty Sanchez...
- The New York Football Giants
Eli? Who is Eli? If he isn't part of that nasty front 4 it doesn't really matter because no one is game planning for anything else. Jason Campbell looked like Big Ben, minus the fourth quarter come back and winning the game part, being chased around by Osi and his merry band of sack monsters. Brandon Jacobs still looks like a linebacker and when he gets moving down hill people either get out of the way or get hurt, either way it is fun to watch. As for the missing piece at wide out... meh, who needs a passing game when you can just kill the other quarterback. I have audio footage of the Giants defensive huddle, this is an exclusive GBU tape...
Mathias Kiwanuka: Say fellas, did you try that bisque at dinner last night?
Justin Tuck: I felt the chef used a bit too much white pepper, but it wasn't unpalpable by any means.
Antonio Pierce: I like chicken…
M.K.: I agree Justin, but the beef Wellington more than made up for the short coming of the soup course.
J.T.: I can't say I disagree, but the crème broulee was absolutely divine!!
Osi Umenyoura: I have five hour energy drinks if you need them...
A.P.: … and mashed taters if I can get 'em hot.
Chris Canty: <drooling, shaking uncontrollably and pointing at the Panthers> The huddle!! They broke the huddle!!!
M.K.: Well, what do you say my dear boy Justo? Shall we dine this afternoon?
J.T.: Indeed, sir! Quarterback soup anyone?!?!
A.P.: Food? Who has food?
<all: Break!>
- The San Francisco 49ers
The funniest thing about Mike Singletary teaching this team how not to be as soft as the city whose name they bear (pun intended) is that in the 80's, when Mike played, the 9ers D was nasty. People only remember Joe Cool and Jerry Rice but only at the expense of true beasts like Ronnie Lott, who is so tough he cut off a part of his finger and just kept on playing. This team may not have the firepower that those teams did, but sometimes heart is enough, just ask Kurt Warner. Just like the super bowl the game ended with Warner getting hit, this one did as well. Not much to say for 20 points, but in the NFL winning is the only thing that counts, style points are for those college kids. 1-0 is all that matters in Frisco this week.
(I think I may have a slight man-crush on good ole Mike, no romo)
- The Green Bay Packers
Brett who? Well not quite, but it may not be as far away as some of us once thought in the house that Lombardi built. It always helps when the other teams QB is color blind, but hey, get the hits where you can right? A win at home against a division rival is always a positive way to start out the season and while the memory won't last past Thursday, the next time they see the Monsters of the Midway at least Urlacher won't be back. Rodgers didn't exactly light the sky up, but he did get the W. Let the wishing for days past and old quarter backs be out to rest for one more week at least.
The Bad
- The Pittsburgh Steelers Offensive (meant both ways...) Line
Yes, I am acutely aware that they won this game, and yes, they are in fact in the bad and just barely not in the ugly as far as I am concerned. Read on to find out why...
That smell wafting out of Pittsburgh and singeing your nose and making your eyes water is not a bunch of Pittsburghians hung over on Iron City beer and refusing to shower until the Steelers lose again. No, it isn't that toilet known as the Allegany River either. It is the 5 idiots who play on the offensive line. The over paid, over rated, fat, slow, stupid, clueless tubs of wasted organs and human flesh that dare to call themselves a 'unit' without giggling. This group couldn't stop me and 3 of my co-workers from Sam's from getting up close and personal with Big Ben or the poor running back who has drawn a death sentence to be in on that play. How in the world this team ever won a Super Bowl with these morons protecting Ben is beyond me. Yes, I am aware that the Titans Defense is that good, but gimme a break, Willie is not that washed up to have less than 20 yards on 13 carries. The good news is it can't any worse... right?
- The Houston Texas
A quick memo to the Houston coaching staff from the friendly people here at GBU central...
To: Coach Kubiak
From: GBU Central
Re: You got beat by a rookie...
Dear Sir,
You got beat by a rookie quarterback and head coach. I wouldn't under estimate the Titans in the same way. Have a nice week.
P.S. Mike Shanahan is watching you.
- The New Orleans Saints
Ok, this won't take long...
Congrats to Brees for dropping 6 td's on the Lions. I mean wow man that was HoF worthy, how could anyone ever say that you can't lead a team, I mean besides your penchant for gagging in the clutch and post season, but hey who remembers that kind of stuff anyways? Too bad you don't play the Lions 15 more times, have a nice season.
P.S. Your Defense still sucks and Bush is overrated.
P.P.S. The city rocks though, French Quarter FTW.
- The Denver Broncos
So, after all that off season hoopla, this team rolls into Cincy and gets beat 7-6. 6 points? All that crazy <phone rings> ... one second...
"Hello, GBU central, how can we help you? ... yes I said we ... well, it is only really just me but ... no I am not on drugs ... or stupid ... did you just call to insult me or what? ... yes, as a matter of fact I am writing that part right now ... about how the Broncos lost to the Bungles ... yes I watch TV ... yes I have cable ... what’s your point son?!?! ... they did what?!?!?! ... get the ffff ... why do you always try to mess with me? ... OK, OK, I will look it up on NFL.com ... yes, see you soon ... I am sure it’s hot where I am going ... yes thank you ... I hope you choke on it, bye now..."
Now where was I...?
So the Broncos pulled a miracle off and beat the Bungles after a sleeper of game with a whopping 6 points of offense through 3 plus quarters. How is it that the man that ran the Patriots awesome offensive attack has a team that only managed to put up two filed goals and a lucky TD? Oh that’s right, he traded his quarter back for a bunch of helmets and a few deep dish pizzas and pissed off his so called star wide out. Nice job Mc - D! Have fun rebuilding, Bill Belicheat says hi.
- The New England Patriots
1 point? You beat the sorry no account Bills by one stinking point?!?! I got nothing else. Nice win, look better doing it next time, people expect it to be pretty.
- The Sand Diego Super Chargers
4 points? You beat the sorry no account... hey, didn't I already do this? Man that deja vu is something else...
It's a good thing they wore those lucky powder blues, and that the officials screwed the raiders, but hey, it's a win and Rivers is still a classless bum. So everyone is happy.
P.S. LT is already hurt? Come on man!!!!!
- The Washington Redskins
The thing you hear that sounds like someone trying to clear their throat is Jason Campbell trying to get his wind pipe back open after having the Blue Crew's front four's hands around it all day. The good news is you only lost by 7, the bad news is that moral victories are for little league and the Special Olympics. Jim Zorn best watch his back, Shanny is watching son...
- The Arizona Cardinals
This is the beginning of what could be the curse of the Super Bowl loser, or at the very least proof that Todd Haley calls a better game than Coach Wiz. 15 runs and 44 passes in a close game? Who does Wisenhunt think he is, Andy Reid? I know Kurt Warner can complete bombs to Fitzy, but I guess he still falls down when he has to hand off. Now I know this might be giving away the plays a little, but Lienhart can hand it to beanie and Hightower without falling down right? The Cards travel to the east coast next week, and we all know how well that works out for them. Just to make sure they don't get too happy, the play the Colts in week 3. Well Arizona, here's to an 0-3 start...
- Da! Bearzzz...
OK, let’s get the check list out for a true Chi-town let down...
1. Overrated quarter back ... check.
2. Absolutely clueless wide receiver corps ... check.
3. An offensive coordinator so bad he couldn't call plays for the Colts ... check.
4. A great looking defense on paper that puts people on IR weekly ... check.
5. A loss to a division rival on primetime TV in which the QB throws at least 4 picks ... check.
Yup, looks like all is well in Chicago. We tried to reach a Bears fan for comment on the debut of Jay Cutler and the injury of Urlacher. Most replies were so slurred from the alcohol all we really got was...
"4 int's? Rex Grossman could have done that, what do we need this cry baby for?"
and
"Urlacher is out for the year?!?!?! Is he dead or something?"
Just for the record, Ditka went easy on them for losing this game, but if Jay continues to throw it to the wrong team the coach may not be so nice next time. Do you thin it is possible that Cutler is color blind? Isn't that a side effect of diabetes? By the way, Neckbeard said...
"pfffftttttt."
- The Buffalo Bills Leodis McKelvin
An open Letter to Mr. McKelvin from the Buffalo fans...
Dear Sir,
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Signed, Buffalo.
P.S. The Pats fans say the check is in the mail...
- The Oakland Raiders
OK, to be fair, they did get jobbed on that TD pass late in the first half. That was touch down and even my Raider hating eyes can see that. This team just doesn't know how to win to quote Steve Young (who I was sure was gonna get his tail whipped by Golic in that booth...). J- Russ has a cannon for an arm, but it is like me and the driver on the golf course... I can hit it a mile, but no one ever knows which way it will go. The defense looked great actually, but even a dominating D will tired when you team goes 3 and out. I would like to tell you that the debut of the great Derrius Heyward-Bey went well, but it looked like Crabtree was right to be mad, this kid couldn't catch a cold. I have Oakland down for 7 wins this year, but even with K.C. and Denver in rebuild mode and the Browns and Bungles on the schedule that may be a stretch. I heard Al had a cough... oh wait, sorry guys, he is OK. My bad.
Ok, this is where I usually come with some fake ad based off of a player or coach, but instead we will have a musical break this week; enjoy!!
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hyoszso38E"]YouTube - Weezer - Island In The Sun: Spike Jonze[/ame]
This is the part many people just skip right to I am told. Well, no pressure there right...
It's time once again, ladies and gentlemen!!! It’s time for the part of the show where we insult those who will never know it and better yet, never care. It's time to pretend that even the last guy on the practice squad isn't better off than I will ever be. It's time to pile on, to kick ‘em while their down, to... well you get the point right? This is the not nice section... It's the...
UGLY!!!!!!!!!!
- The Kansas Shitty Chiefs
OK, you lost to the Ravens. No big deal, that D they have is monstrous. But you lost to the Ravens Offense, led by some dude named Flacco and a running back named Rice. Matt Cassell could have played if he wanted to, but he couldn't stop wetting his panties long enough to get in the game. Too bad Ray Lewis and his boys didn't do the real damage. I mean how bad do you have to be to give up 300 yards passing to Joe Flacco throwing to a guy who tried to retire? It is good you fired your offensive coordinator Mr. Haley, this way no one will think twice when you fire the defensive one as well. I know the fan’s of the Chiefs wanted Herm out, but is Mr. We-play-to-win-the-game really any worse than this? He sure does look and sound good on TV though.
- The Carolina Skunks
I used to live next door to a man named Walter Macon. Good ole Walt is veteran of 30 years in the Navy, 3 tours in Vietnam, and 20 years more as a high school shop teacher. He rooted for Dallas most of his life until Jerry Jones chased Tom Landry out and when the Panthers were born he became their number one fan. Back when Dom Capers and then George Siefert went a combined 46-66, with a 1-1 playoff record he always used to say he loved his skunks, no matter what. Recently he has actually called them the Panthers, most notably when they went to the Super Bowl a few years ago. Even after Jake Delhomme threw 5 picks in the divisional game he still called them the Panthers. After this past week, good ole Walt left me a message...
"Hey Jake, haven't heard from you in a couple of days... Gimme a ring when you get a chance, I got some drywall I need to hang. Oh, and I still love my skunks..."
How do you think that extension that Jakey boy signed in the off-season is helping Mr. Richardson recover from heart surgery?
- The Cleveland Browns
New coach, new year... same result. The great Eric Man-genius wanted to keep the starting quarterback hidden until game time, but not for the reason that you think. He wasn't concerned about the Vikings game planning for one guy or the other, he just needed the media not ask questions like “How is your defense prepared to stop Adrian Peterson?" and "Will Braylon Edwards catch something besides a staph infection this year?" It's not like he knew the answers to any of those questions anyways, but hey, that’s a smart PR move, too bad he can't coach. Oh, I just got word that AP has scored again.
- The Cincinnati Bungles
Tell me if you have heard this one before...
The Bengals look poised to win their home opener. They haven't really managed any kind of offense but the drove it down and scored with 38 seconds left. The D held Denver to a couple of field goals and special teams pinned the Broncos deep with one time out and 30 ticks to go. I mean it's in the bag right? The Broncos drop back to pass on second down and good ole Neckbeard heaves one into triple coverage and the game will be over...
But not yet say the Bungles...
The ball is tipped, Stokely grabs it and since the great pass coverage master Roy Williams had the deep assignment... and what a huge shock he came up for hit instead of playing his spot... Brandon runs the length of the field and just to be sure it's over he burns the clock down to 11 seconds by running parallel to the goal line. Only in Cincy people, long live the Bungles. Maybe the Hardknocks crew should have stayed with them all year. I would’ve loved have witnessed Marv's post game locker room address.
- The St. Louis Rams
28-0, that's right, twenty eight to nothing, zip, nada, zilch, donut, zero, el sucko, or in latin suckitus out-loud-is. Hey look at it this way, Spags is a defensive guy and they only scored 28 right? The race for the number one draft pick is on people, ready, set... fall flat on your face. Does anyone else think he will try to trade Steven Jackson for Osi?
Ok people, that’s all the pontificating I can do for one week. Please send all hate mail, love letters and death threats here, and as always, please remember...
This is only my opinion and that and 300 bucks plus tax, parking, 80 more for food, 35 more for 2 beers and $1.85 in tolls will get you to and from the nose bleed seats at the game you could have watched in HD at home. Tune in next week when we will here Mike Singletary say...
"Steeljake? Who is that and why is he on my lawn?"
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