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by Josh Townsend
Man I hate the SEC. In fact, most of the country does.
I know what you're thinking... "What's this all about, JT? I thought this was an SEC website? And how can I be as tall and as good looking as you?"
That's a lot of questions there, fella.
First off, 6'3" isn't really that tall... but I think you can attribute my handsomeness to a workout regime consisting of dozens of one armed pull-ups and a good 3 to 4 minutes on the shake-weight every day, and I try to stick to a steady diet of eating various kinds of beer.
Now let me clarify my statement… I know you all may find this hard to believe, but everyone west of the Mississippi, and north of South Carolina…we all hate the SEC. Maybe hate is a strong word... we fucking despise the SEC. There, that feels better. That’s some good hate right there. Here’s why:
1. SEC SPEEEED.... – Here’s the deal, fast people come from everywhere. Hell, there have even been a couple of time periods when the fastest man in the world was Canadian... CANADIAN! Speed is not specific to your region. Get over yourselves. You just happen have more gigantic fat people who somehow manage to still be athletic. You folks can wear it as a badge of honor if you want, but I'd just rather just eat my cheerios without the ranch dressing and gravy and be a little trimmer. Look, it's a scientific fact that the fattest people on the planet live in the southern US* (citation needed, one of you lard asses go find it for me). Everyone knows it's true. Just because a couple of you gigantic fatties happen to still be athletic by some freak of nature doesn't make you faster than everyone... it just means your fat people are faster than the fat people in the rest of the country. So I guess you’ve got that on the rest of us. Big deal, we live longer. Win? Rest of the country.
2. How you cheer for other SEC teams - Here’s the deal... I played for the University of Colorado, and I hate Nebraska football. In fact, if I saw Eric Crouch on fire on the sidewalk... I wouldn't piss on him to put the fire out until after he was dead (note - I wrote this before the James Harrison quote). You guys have your "rivalries"... but every time an SEC team wins a championship you all celebrate as if your team just led you to the promised land. When Tommy Frazier led kNU to consecutive titles in the early 90's it pissed me off to no end. Why? Because the only games we lost in 2 years were to those cattle fuckers and we didn't have a title to show for it. Yet you SEC fans will celebrate like you won the lottery every time a team from South of the Mason Dixon wins something. How can they be a rival when you can show them any kind of love? The civil war ended 146 years ago. It’s OK for you to show a little dissention in the ranks now. You don’t have to cheer for every other SEC team.
3. You murder trees! - I played for a school in a town famous for hugging trees (Boulder) and you people have the audacity to murder an innocent tree...a tree happily sitting there, being covered by paper created from other murdered trees every Saturday in the fall...well that shit doesn't fly out West, son. They don't dig it in California, Oregon, or Washington, I don't think they care about trees in Arizona, but you better not fuck with their cacti, which is as close to a tree as you can get in a giant desert. I'm not sure about the Midwest... Iowa, Nebraska, and Kansas only have corn and cattle... I don't know what the hell they have in Michigan and Ohio. I always imagine it's just a bunch of empty parking lots, small lakes and foreclosed houses... but they probably have some trees. Bottom line: Herbicide is not cool. Don't murder trees.
In fact, I’d like to break this down school by school, so that you all know what the rest of the country thinks about you and no one feels left out.
SEC WEST
LSU – You think I'm going to talk about how you smell like corndogs…. I’m not. Sure that’s weird, but it's not that big of a deal. Christ, I bet half the Big 12 smell like corndogs, probably half the Big 10 too (or at least they smell like Polish Sausage and stale beer). At least three teams in the Pac 12 reek of patchouli oil trying to cover the smell of weed. And I like to imagine the Big East smelling like a combination of B.O., spray-tan, raw sewage and Snooki's vag... so smelling bad isn't that big of a deal. Know why we really hate you? Two words: JaMarcus Russell. You just had to unleash that fat, over-rated piece of fucktardedness on the rest of the country didn’t you? Oh, wow, he can throw a football 175 yards. From his knees! You know what else he can do from his knees -- not that -- he can eat.
And eat.
And eat some more.
Every single one of you LSU fans knew he was going to be a bust, and yet he still went number one. See, that's the deal with the SEC, you get so much hype that even your fat quarterbacks get $50 million guaranteed.
Alabama - Nick Saban is probably reason enough for the rest of the country to hate Alabama. I swear that dude always looks like he just finished sniffing your sister's panties, and is worried that you're going to find out about it. The fact that your school educated Bernie Madoff and set him loose on the general public is a good enough reason too. Leave it to Alabama, diploma mill for two centuries, to actually educate the man responsible for the largest pyramid scheme in the history of American finance. I don't think I can ever forgive that man for stealing from the great Kevin Bacon.... But the real reason we hate you is because everyone outside Alabama imagines that you look like this. Come on Alabama. That dude on the right only has SIX American flags in his straw hat. Unacceptable.
Ole Miss - Do I really have to go into detail on this one? You can't even spell "old"! And you got rid of Colonel Reb because he was racist. Yet the name of your school is black slang for what slaves called the woman master of the plantation!
Do other people not know this? Talk about a bait and switch. Don't: Play Dixie. Do: Name the school after black dialect for plantation owners. I mean, imagine if UMass announced that henceforth they were going to be known as Ole Massa.
This would be the greatest scandal in the Northeast since the Lindbergh baby was kidnapped. Yet you do it in Mississippi and no one even bats an eye.
I suppose we can give you a little credit for the Manning family, who have made the people of Massachusetts suffer more than pretty much anyone (outside of King George having the audacity to tax their tea back in the 1700’s). That’s a positive. But come on… OLE Miss?
You make it too easy for the rest of us.
Mississippi St. - We hate you for the exact same reasons that we hate Ole Miss…because no one outside of the south knows that Ole Miss and Mississippi State are actually two different schools. We just think you’re all one giant lump of dudes from that show “Hillbilly Handfishin”.
Also, the fact that Ole Miss fans look down on Mississippi State fans? I mean, how do you live with yourself Mississippi State fans?
Arkansas – You are responsible for the Clintons. More specifically…you are responsible for Hillary Clinton. Also, your head football coach left an NFL team after leaving a note behind a locker room. A note! Wouldn't it have been better to leave without the note? Is the note supposed to smooth things over. Oh, crap, our NFL head coach is gone. But wait, he left us a note and a chocolate mint. We'll be fine. Peyton Manning is easy to defend without a head coach.
Auburn – I was going to go with Cam Newton. He’s like the LeBron James of football. Literally everyone in the country who’s not an Auburn fan despises him. Then I was going to say how you guys cheated and paid for a BCS title last season by outbidding the rest of the SEC for Cam….but then I thought…actually, you know what? I’m going with those reasons. You guys are awful.
SEC EAST
Tennessee – Al Gore…Woody Paige….Paul Finebaum….Lane Kiffin….Albert Haynesworth….there’s just an unprecedented amount of smarmy a-holes and douchebags produced by this school. Plus they have those God-awful colors. It looks like a kid ate too much orange sherbert and vanilla ice cream, then violently vomited all over their jerseys. But I’d have to say the reason the rest of us hate you the most is because of Peyton Manning. Anyone who has had to watch their favorite NFL team play Peyton as he milks the play clock, hands gesturing wildly like a coked out deaf person while he methodically slaughters your team, knows exactly what kind of hatred I’m talking about.
Florida – Did you know that literally hundreds of political, academic, and business leaders of this country attended the University of Florida? No? You had no idea? (Crickets chirping…)
Did you know that Tim Tebow went to school there? (Millions of teenage girls, circumcised Filipino children, and grown southern men scream like they’re at a Justin Bieber concert, openly weep, and fight each other to get a glimpse of his smile)
That’s why we hate you.
Also, Clay tells me all your girls have fat upper arms. That shit's disgusting. Send me your address, I'll mail you my shake weight so you can have well-toned triceps just like me.
Vanderbilt – People don’t really hate Vanderbilt outside of the South. They’re not good enough at any sport to hate. That said, we all assume that everyone in the South who can spell both their first AND last name goes to Vanderbilt. Consequently, it's no surprise that Vanderbilt's enrollment is only 5,000. The rest of you mouth breathers are busy masturbating to pictures of your national championship banner from 1954. That or fat eight year olds you think could materialize into first round defensive tackles.
Georgia – Your entire fan base is still obsessed with a running back that last suited up for you almost 30 years ago. That wouldn't be so bad if every running back who touches the ball wasn't immediately heralded as the "Next Herschel." How's that working out for you? Plus, Ryan Seacrest went to school there. Ryan Seacrest is the only person on earth I could go to dinner with and wish Quincy Carter was there instead. But on the other hand… they’ve got a lot of chicks with fake boobs. It’s kind of hard to hate that.
South Carolina - When the best thing about your program is being able to scream out "Cocks" without punishment -- this was probably 90% of Steve Spurrier's recruiting strategy of Stephen Garcia -- and you're not a gay bar in Manhattan, you're an awful place. But the biggest insult to South Carolina came when the courts ruled that you idiots couldn't even brand yourself as USC because the real USC, the one out West, owned the rights to the name.
You losers can't even own the rights to your own name.
Kentucky – You know the first two things that come to mind when I think Kentucky football? John Calipari. That's not even remotely a joke. It's true for 98% of college football fans in the country. But congrats on your NCAA sanctions and voided Final 4 appearances coming in about three years. Also, we don’t like the way your football team tried to pass off a left tackle as a quarterback. It's just desperate. You may be able to pass that stuff off in the South, but the rest of us noticed that you had a damn hippopotamus playing QB!
I pray, along with the rest of the country, that all 12 of your cheating schools -- excuse me, Vanderbilt -- all 11 of your cheating schools will one day be on simultaneous probation so we can be spared a fall of SEC fellation. Please. Let. This. Happen.
Until then, I hate all of you. And so does the rest of the country.
Man I hate the SEC. In fact, most of the country does.
I know what you're thinking... "What's this all about, JT? I thought this was an SEC website? And how can I be as tall and as good looking as you?"
That's a lot of questions there, fella.
First off, 6'3" isn't really that tall... but I think you can attribute my handsomeness to a workout regime consisting of dozens of one armed pull-ups and a good 3 to 4 minutes on the shake-weight every day, and I try to stick to a steady diet of eating various kinds of beer.
Now let me clarify my statement… I know you all may find this hard to believe, but everyone west of the Mississippi, and north of South Carolina…we all hate the SEC. Maybe hate is a strong word... we fucking despise the SEC. There, that feels better. That’s some good hate right there. Here’s why:
1. SEC SPEEEED.... – Here’s the deal, fast people come from everywhere. Hell, there have even been a couple of time periods when the fastest man in the world was Canadian... CANADIAN! Speed is not specific to your region. Get over yourselves. You just happen have more gigantic fat people who somehow manage to still be athletic. You folks can wear it as a badge of honor if you want, but I'd just rather just eat my cheerios without the ranch dressing and gravy and be a little trimmer. Look, it's a scientific fact that the fattest people on the planet live in the southern US* (citation needed, one of you lard asses go find it for me). Everyone knows it's true. Just because a couple of you gigantic fatties happen to still be athletic by some freak of nature doesn't make you faster than everyone... it just means your fat people are faster than the fat people in the rest of the country. So I guess you’ve got that on the rest of us. Big deal, we live longer. Win? Rest of the country.
2. How you cheer for other SEC teams - Here’s the deal... I played for the University of Colorado, and I hate Nebraska football. In fact, if I saw Eric Crouch on fire on the sidewalk... I wouldn't piss on him to put the fire out until after he was dead (note - I wrote this before the James Harrison quote). You guys have your "rivalries"... but every time an SEC team wins a championship you all celebrate as if your team just led you to the promised land. When Tommy Frazier led kNU to consecutive titles in the early 90's it pissed me off to no end. Why? Because the only games we lost in 2 years were to those cattle fuckers and we didn't have a title to show for it. Yet you SEC fans will celebrate like you won the lottery every time a team from South of the Mason Dixon wins something. How can they be a rival when you can show them any kind of love? The civil war ended 146 years ago. It’s OK for you to show a little dissention in the ranks now. You don’t have to cheer for every other SEC team.
3. You murder trees! - I played for a school in a town famous for hugging trees (Boulder) and you people have the audacity to murder an innocent tree...a tree happily sitting there, being covered by paper created from other murdered trees every Saturday in the fall...well that shit doesn't fly out West, son. They don't dig it in California, Oregon, or Washington, I don't think they care about trees in Arizona, but you better not fuck with their cacti, which is as close to a tree as you can get in a giant desert. I'm not sure about the Midwest... Iowa, Nebraska, and Kansas only have corn and cattle... I don't know what the hell they have in Michigan and Ohio. I always imagine it's just a bunch of empty parking lots, small lakes and foreclosed houses... but they probably have some trees. Bottom line: Herbicide is not cool. Don't murder trees.
In fact, I’d like to break this down school by school, so that you all know what the rest of the country thinks about you and no one feels left out.
SEC WEST
LSU – You think I'm going to talk about how you smell like corndogs…. I’m not. Sure that’s weird, but it's not that big of a deal. Christ, I bet half the Big 12 smell like corndogs, probably half the Big 10 too (or at least they smell like Polish Sausage and stale beer). At least three teams in the Pac 12 reek of patchouli oil trying to cover the smell of weed. And I like to imagine the Big East smelling like a combination of B.O., spray-tan, raw sewage and Snooki's vag... so smelling bad isn't that big of a deal. Know why we really hate you? Two words: JaMarcus Russell. You just had to unleash that fat, over-rated piece of fucktardedness on the rest of the country didn’t you? Oh, wow, he can throw a football 175 yards. From his knees! You know what else he can do from his knees -- not that -- he can eat.
And eat.
And eat some more.
Every single one of you LSU fans knew he was going to be a bust, and yet he still went number one. See, that's the deal with the SEC, you get so much hype that even your fat quarterbacks get $50 million guaranteed.
Alabama - Nick Saban is probably reason enough for the rest of the country to hate Alabama. I swear that dude always looks like he just finished sniffing your sister's panties, and is worried that you're going to find out about it. The fact that your school educated Bernie Madoff and set him loose on the general public is a good enough reason too. Leave it to Alabama, diploma mill for two centuries, to actually educate the man responsible for the largest pyramid scheme in the history of American finance. I don't think I can ever forgive that man for stealing from the great Kevin Bacon.... But the real reason we hate you is because everyone outside Alabama imagines that you look like this. Come on Alabama. That dude on the right only has SIX American flags in his straw hat. Unacceptable.
Ole Miss - Do I really have to go into detail on this one? You can't even spell "old"! And you got rid of Colonel Reb because he was racist. Yet the name of your school is black slang for what slaves called the woman master of the plantation!
Do other people not know this? Talk about a bait and switch. Don't: Play Dixie. Do: Name the school after black dialect for plantation owners. I mean, imagine if UMass announced that henceforth they were going to be known as Ole Massa.
This would be the greatest scandal in the Northeast since the Lindbergh baby was kidnapped. Yet you do it in Mississippi and no one even bats an eye.
I suppose we can give you a little credit for the Manning family, who have made the people of Massachusetts suffer more than pretty much anyone (outside of King George having the audacity to tax their tea back in the 1700’s). That’s a positive. But come on… OLE Miss?
You make it too easy for the rest of us.
Mississippi St. - We hate you for the exact same reasons that we hate Ole Miss…because no one outside of the south knows that Ole Miss and Mississippi State are actually two different schools. We just think you’re all one giant lump of dudes from that show “Hillbilly Handfishin”.
Also, the fact that Ole Miss fans look down on Mississippi State fans? I mean, how do you live with yourself Mississippi State fans?
Arkansas – You are responsible for the Clintons. More specifically…you are responsible for Hillary Clinton. Also, your head football coach left an NFL team after leaving a note behind a locker room. A note! Wouldn't it have been better to leave without the note? Is the note supposed to smooth things over. Oh, crap, our NFL head coach is gone. But wait, he left us a note and a chocolate mint. We'll be fine. Peyton Manning is easy to defend without a head coach.
Auburn – I was going to go with Cam Newton. He’s like the LeBron James of football. Literally everyone in the country who’s not an Auburn fan despises him. Then I was going to say how you guys cheated and paid for a BCS title last season by outbidding the rest of the SEC for Cam….but then I thought…actually, you know what? I’m going with those reasons. You guys are awful.
SEC EAST
Tennessee – Al Gore…Woody Paige….Paul Finebaum….Lane Kiffin….Albert Haynesworth….there’s just an unprecedented amount of smarmy a-holes and douchebags produced by this school. Plus they have those God-awful colors. It looks like a kid ate too much orange sherbert and vanilla ice cream, then violently vomited all over their jerseys. But I’d have to say the reason the rest of us hate you the most is because of Peyton Manning. Anyone who has had to watch their favorite NFL team play Peyton as he milks the play clock, hands gesturing wildly like a coked out deaf person while he methodically slaughters your team, knows exactly what kind of hatred I’m talking about.
Florida – Did you know that literally hundreds of political, academic, and business leaders of this country attended the University of Florida? No? You had no idea? (Crickets chirping…)
Did you know that Tim Tebow went to school there? (Millions of teenage girls, circumcised Filipino children, and grown southern men scream like they’re at a Justin Bieber concert, openly weep, and fight each other to get a glimpse of his smile)
That’s why we hate you.
Also, Clay tells me all your girls have fat upper arms. That shit's disgusting. Send me your address, I'll mail you my shake weight so you can have well-toned triceps just like me.
Vanderbilt – People don’t really hate Vanderbilt outside of the South. They’re not good enough at any sport to hate. That said, we all assume that everyone in the South who can spell both their first AND last name goes to Vanderbilt. Consequently, it's no surprise that Vanderbilt's enrollment is only 5,000. The rest of you mouth breathers are busy masturbating to pictures of your national championship banner from 1954. That or fat eight year olds you think could materialize into first round defensive tackles.
Georgia – Your entire fan base is still obsessed with a running back that last suited up for you almost 30 years ago. That wouldn't be so bad if every running back who touches the ball wasn't immediately heralded as the "Next Herschel." How's that working out for you? Plus, Ryan Seacrest went to school there. Ryan Seacrest is the only person on earth I could go to dinner with and wish Quincy Carter was there instead. But on the other hand… they’ve got a lot of chicks with fake boobs. It’s kind of hard to hate that.
South Carolina - When the best thing about your program is being able to scream out "Cocks" without punishment -- this was probably 90% of Steve Spurrier's recruiting strategy of Stephen Garcia -- and you're not a gay bar in Manhattan, you're an awful place. But the biggest insult to South Carolina came when the courts ruled that you idiots couldn't even brand yourself as USC because the real USC, the one out West, owned the rights to the name.
You losers can't even own the rights to your own name.
Kentucky – You know the first two things that come to mind when I think Kentucky football? John Calipari. That's not even remotely a joke. It's true for 98% of college football fans in the country. But congrats on your NCAA sanctions and voided Final 4 appearances coming in about three years. Also, we don’t like the way your football team tried to pass off a left tackle as a quarterback. It's just desperate. You may be able to pass that stuff off in the South, but the rest of us noticed that you had a damn hippopotamus playing QB!
I pray, along with the rest of the country, that all 12 of your cheating schools -- excuse me, Vanderbilt -- all 11 of your cheating schools will one day be on simultaneous probation so we can be spared a fall of SEC fellation. Please. Let. This. Happen.
Until then, I hate all of you. And so does the rest of the country.
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