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Hey remember me? Probably not, but ask me if I care... The GBU is back and none to soon it seems with plenty of asshattery and bitchassery in the NFL to go around. Let's get this back in gear the right way with a "These four things I know are true" ripoff...
- Mike Vick is in fact a horrible quarterback.
- Pittsburgh without Troy Polamalu on the field makes them the Bungles.
- Aaron Rogers is still a good QB, just ask Houston.
and
- The Dallas Cowboys are still overrated.
Yes that's right, I am back and so is the vitriol I bring for Dallas, Oakland, Dallas, Baltimore, Dallas, Cincy, Cleveland and Dallas... did I mention I don't care for the Cowboys?
Before we jump into the meat I have 2 awards to give out this week...
The first goes to Philip Rivers and the Chargers for the biggest choke on national TV this week. Up by 24 and they just can't hold on...
More on them in the ugly of course.
The second and last award is the reality check award and that goes to Alex Smith and the 49ers. More on them in the bad this week.
So without further grandstanding and procrastination, here it is!!!
The Denver Peyton Manning's
Yup, that's right I said it. I have it on good authority that Peyton threatened to make the whole team be in one of those NFL Ticket commercials with him, Eli and Dieon if they didn't get to work. Looks like the threats worked... or the Chargers have a bums for a GM, Coach and QB... either way it's a 24 point deficit erased and a division win for the Manning's!!!
Tennessee Titans
At 2-4 'good' would not be a word to used to describe the path the Titans are on so far this year. Jake Locker is hurt, CJ2K looks more like CJKO and with -90 points difference the likelihood of a playoff run is looking about as real as the Easter Bunny. However, a win against the Steelers is as good as any and so the ex-Oilers get a nod this week.
Atlanta Falcons
"A win is a win and that's all that matters in the end" - Any NFL coach who has to answer a question from some knuckle head reporter about an 'ugly' win.
While that quote may not be real it doesn't make it any less true. 6-0 is six and oh no matter how you spell it and no matter how it is done. I am not ready to crown 'em or anything as the argument could be made for the level of teams they face, but as the same anonymous coach I quoted might have said, you can only play the teams on your schedule. Cliche's aside the Dirty Birds are flying high and Matty Ice is giving that Coors Light can a run for it's money.
Baltimore Ravens
The only thing worse than having to put this team in the good would be having to put Dallas or Oakland here... good thing they both choked. 5-1 is good for a tie for 1st in the AFC and sole possession of it in the AFC North. Ray Lewis and Ladarius Webbb were lost for the season in the win this week and while many are calling the Ratbirds dead and an era over, not so fast I say. That offense is actually contributing to the wins this year with 26.8 PPG (good for 9th overall) and the defense is ranked a paltry 26th overall so the loss of an emotional leader on the field may hurt but the wins might not suffer. Well, at least I can hope they will...
Cleveland Browns
Oh boy! You got a win... finally. That is all that you get, have a nice day.
Miami Dolphins
OK, let me get this straight... Change coaching staff, draft new QB, cut Ocho Cinco while on Hardknocks and this team doesn't have the worst record in the league? Tannehill isn't reminding people of Marino or anything, but wins are wins and this team is 3-3 and to be honest that's 2 more wins that I expected out of them all year. I don't think they can win this division or anything, but then again...
Seattle Seahawks
Yea OK... you got some love from the replacement refs and got a win over Green Bay and this week some rookie DB chirped at the Golden Boy after picking him off. I can't say I am impressed, but 4 wins is usually where this team is at in week 10 so that is improvement I suppose. Russell Wilson is making mistakes, but he is making more positive plays than the other guy, especially this week. Time will tell on the rookie, both of them.
New York Football Giants
New year, new game, same place, same result... minus the closeness of it all this time of course. Bradshaw ran over the entire 'Frisco defense, their families, their friends families and the entire population of little Japan while the Blue Crew D reminded Alex Smith why people never mention him as 'elite.' The losses in the division this year don't seem to matter as they lead their division, but as Eli Hang-dog Manning has proven, they don't need a high seed to get a ring.
Washington Redskins
What do R2D2, C3PEO and RG-3 have in common? Nothing of course, I just want to put some Star Wars in here for the geeks... Ending an 8 game home losing streak will always get you listed in the Good around here but add to that a 76 yard td run not by ADP and two picks by your D and that's a great day anywhere.
Green Bay Packers
So... Anyone still think Aaron Rogers is slowing down or having a bad year? No? Good, class dismissed. I did see the discount double checker after the game and I swear I saw him grab his sack, lift a number one salute and yell to Phil Simms 'Bite me old man!' But then again, maybe I didn't...
And now for a musical interlude...
Now back to our regularly scheduled program...
Pittsburgh Steelers
7. No that is is not the number of point they lost by, but instead the number of players that went down with injuries. It's like a friggin' mash unit at PNC sports complex. Still, next man up... yeah right. With Troy looking more and more like the beating his body has taken has finally caught up with him and that oft-injured patchwork offensive line it looks to be a humbling year for the Black and Gold. I wonder if there are people that feel sorry for them? Good news guys... you get to play the Ravens twice without Ray Lewis.
Cincinnati Bungles
Good job fella's, you let the Browns get a win... Do something like this again and back to the Uggo's you go... That is all.
Arizona Cardinals
4-2 is hardly bad and I know they have injury issues at QB... but the Bills? Really? Come on man!!!
New England Patriots
Tom Brady had this to say following the loss:
"Played hard, shoulda played better. Made some good plays, made some bad plays. Gotta get ready for next week, going home to sleep with a super model. Thank you."
Don't know what I could add to that so...
San Francisco 49ers
So... how's that hype working out for you guys now? You wanted to avenge the playoff loss and instead you get stomped out like a white dude in Crenshaw at night. What the hell was that mess with putting Kaepernick in like he is Timmy Tebow or something? That's not a good idea, don't do that anymore. Steve Young is disappoint.
Minnesota Vikings
Never-you-mind that I switched my defense to these guys in FF at the last minute because Green Bay has been playing like bums, I emphasize 'has', or that they let the 'Skins end an 8 game home losing streak or that they did it with a rookie qb while your second year guy choked his guts out... well not never-you-mind actually, that is what happened. Thanks for losing my FF game this week.... losers.
Houston Texans
No team has ever been overrated for so many years as this bunch except that other Texas team... I wonder if being overrated has something to do with how things are bigger in Texas? Anyways...
This year they finally look like they are gonna live up to the hype and then, not so much. 6 td's by that State Farm rep later and we have some humble pie. Eat all of it fatty!!!
Detroit Lions
Madden cover curse? Check.
Over hyped QB comes down to earth? Check.
Lions losers again? Check.
Star defensive player looking not-so-star like? Check
Well, all is back to normal in the Motor City, hell has unfrozen. That is all.
Yes I am aware they beat Philly... Mike Vick was the Lions team MVP.
And now for a word from our sponsor:
The Bill Belicheat school of Public Relations:
Have you ever been at a press conference and wanted to put as little emotion and effort in your responses as possible? Has there ever been a time when you wish you could speak in a way that is both condescending and uninformative while frustrating those asking you the questions? Well, if you said yes, I have the perfect
system for you; The Tattered Sweater Production company proudly present an instructional film by Bill Bellicheat and inspired by Lurch himself. That's right folks for just $1.99, plus $8.5 million per year in processing, you too can say nothing and make people want to choke you out. Here is a great example:
Reporter: Coach! Coach! Your team just won the Super Bowl for the third time! How do you feel?!?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: Ok... Hey I just got a call, your wife is leaving you... that's horrible... are you ok Coach?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: What the... Wow, you are a cool customer! Hey we are getting reports that your daughter gave birth to your grandson just a few minutes ago, congratulations sir! What do you have to say to her?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Report: Damn, high standards in the Bellicheat family huh? You have anything to say about the accusations of the three super models that say you had sex with them in the locker room at half time?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: Come on man! I am just trying to do my job... help me out a little will ya??!!!
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
That's right folks it works for the Coach and it can work for you too!!! Call now and we will throw in the Tom Brady guide to being king of the douche bags titled: "Wanna be a dick forever? Impregnate a super model!" for free! Call 1-800-youwishyoucouldbeme right now!
We now join our regularly schedule program already in progress...
Here it is people, the place you never want to see your team but always want to see you rivals. This is where I bring down to size people and teams who will never hear what I have to say to them... it's the...
Oakland Raiders
All I have to say is Carson Palmer is all you got and he gave you all he had this week, including a pick six to seal the deal. Al may be gone finally, but his legacy of losing is still breathing.
Dallas Cowboys
Overrated overratedness was overrated again... Not only did they get another shot to win instead of tie after Dez 'I'm the man, throw the flag!!!' Bryant drops a rare good throw by Tony Homo, but then they mismanage the clock in a way that would make Norv Turner proud and have to try a 51 yard field goal, which of course was missed. I love it when Dallas loses, it makes me feel all warm like when I used to climb the rope in gym.
Philadelphia Eagles
Ok, let's check in on the Mustache and Andy Ried's progress in Philly...
Hmm... So you went with Vick and let Kolb go; brilliant move there. Then you call 85% passing plays with an offensive line that Big Ben would be scared to play behind with a QB who couldn't read a blitz if they held up a sign, again brilliant. How's that wide 9 thing working out anyways? This team has just gone to the dogs... lol... get it, the dogs? You know cuz their QB is... awww nevermind.
Buffalo Bills
What's that you won your game this week and don't belong here? Fiddlesticks say I! You gave up 45, 48 and 52 in your losses this year making your defense, which was supposed to get soooo much better since you brought Mario Williams in, 31st overall and dead last against the run. Hey 3-3 is tied with the rest of the teams in your division, that is true, but two of those blow out losses were to the Jets and Pats, and you have to play them again. I am not a betting man, but if I were I wouldn't be looking at you to make me some money.
Kansas Shitty Chiefs
Nope, not a misprint, see what I did there? That's right I am clever... ha! Anyways, Matt Cassel is a bum and his back up is Brady Quinn. Yea that is what we call 'not good' in the personnel business, I wonder why they haven't offered Pioli an extension yet? Go figure.
San Diego Chargers
You wore the powder blue's and still couldn't keep a 24 point lead? I will concede that with Philip Rivers as your QB and Norv Turner as your coach the odds of being a winning team are slim, but come on man... 24 points?!?! Great job of making Peyton Manning look... well, like Peyton Manning. Not sure where I was going with that, but oh well... You suck!
Thanks for reading folks and remember this only my opinion and that and $136.85 will get you a positive battery cable for a 1996 Dodge Dakota. Follow us on twitter @GBUCentral or email us at gbu_central@yahoo.com or on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/SJMusings. Tune in next week when we will hear Bill Bellicheat say: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
- Mike Vick is in fact a horrible quarterback.
- Pittsburgh without Troy Polamalu on the field makes them the Bungles.
- Aaron Rogers is still a good QB, just ask Houston.
and
- The Dallas Cowboys are still overrated.
Yes that's right, I am back and so is the vitriol I bring for Dallas, Oakland, Dallas, Baltimore, Dallas, Cincy, Cleveland and Dallas... did I mention I don't care for the Cowboys?
Before we jump into the meat I have 2 awards to give out this week...
The first goes to Philip Rivers and the Chargers for the biggest choke on national TV this week. Up by 24 and they just can't hold on...
More on them in the ugly of course.The second and last award is the reality check award and that goes to Alex Smith and the 49ers. More on them in the bad this week.
So without further grandstanding and procrastination, here it is!!!
The Good
The Denver Peyton Manning's
Yup, that's right I said it. I have it on good authority that Peyton threatened to make the whole team be in one of those NFL Ticket commercials with him, Eli and Dieon if they didn't get to work. Looks like the threats worked... or the Chargers have a bums for a GM, Coach and QB... either way it's a 24 point deficit erased and a division win for the Manning's!!!
Tennessee Titans
At 2-4 'good' would not be a word to used to describe the path the Titans are on so far this year. Jake Locker is hurt, CJ2K looks more like CJKO and with -90 points difference the likelihood of a playoff run is looking about as real as the Easter Bunny. However, a win against the Steelers is as good as any and so the ex-Oilers get a nod this week.
Atlanta Falcons
"A win is a win and that's all that matters in the end" - Any NFL coach who has to answer a question from some knuckle head reporter about an 'ugly' win.
While that quote may not be real it doesn't make it any less true. 6-0 is six and oh no matter how you spell it and no matter how it is done. I am not ready to crown 'em or anything as the argument could be made for the level of teams they face, but as the same anonymous coach I quoted might have said, you can only play the teams on your schedule. Cliche's aside the Dirty Birds are flying high and Matty Ice is giving that Coors Light can a run for it's money.
Baltimore Ravens
The only thing worse than having to put this team in the good would be having to put Dallas or Oakland here... good thing they both choked. 5-1 is good for a tie for 1st in the AFC and sole possession of it in the AFC North. Ray Lewis and Ladarius Webbb were lost for the season in the win this week and while many are calling the Ratbirds dead and an era over, not so fast I say. That offense is actually contributing to the wins this year with 26.8 PPG (good for 9th overall) and the defense is ranked a paltry 26th overall so the loss of an emotional leader on the field may hurt but the wins might not suffer. Well, at least I can hope they will...
Cleveland Browns
Oh boy! You got a win... finally. That is all that you get, have a nice day.
Miami Dolphins
OK, let me get this straight... Change coaching staff, draft new QB, cut Ocho Cinco while on Hardknocks and this team doesn't have the worst record in the league? Tannehill isn't reminding people of Marino or anything, but wins are wins and this team is 3-3 and to be honest that's 2 more wins that I expected out of them all year. I don't think they can win this division or anything, but then again...
Seattle Seahawks
Yea OK... you got some love from the replacement refs and got a win over Green Bay and this week some rookie DB chirped at the Golden Boy after picking him off. I can't say I am impressed, but 4 wins is usually where this team is at in week 10 so that is improvement I suppose. Russell Wilson is making mistakes, but he is making more positive plays than the other guy, especially this week. Time will tell on the rookie, both of them.
New York Football Giants
New year, new game, same place, same result... minus the closeness of it all this time of course. Bradshaw ran over the entire 'Frisco defense, their families, their friends families and the entire population of little Japan while the Blue Crew D reminded Alex Smith why people never mention him as 'elite.' The losses in the division this year don't seem to matter as they lead their division, but as Eli Hang-dog Manning has proven, they don't need a high seed to get a ring.
Washington Redskins
What do R2D2, C3PEO and RG-3 have in common? Nothing of course, I just want to put some Star Wars in here for the geeks... Ending an 8 game home losing streak will always get you listed in the Good around here but add to that a 76 yard td run not by ADP and two picks by your D and that's a great day anywhere.
Green Bay Packers
So... Anyone still think Aaron Rogers is slowing down or having a bad year? No? Good, class dismissed. I did see the discount double checker after the game and I swear I saw him grab his sack, lift a number one salute and yell to Phil Simms 'Bite me old man!' But then again, maybe I didn't...
And now for a musical interlude...
Now back to our regularly scheduled program...
The Bad
Pittsburgh Steelers
7. No that is is not the number of point they lost by, but instead the number of players that went down with injuries. It's like a friggin' mash unit at PNC sports complex. Still, next man up... yeah right. With Troy looking more and more like the beating his body has taken has finally caught up with him and that oft-injured patchwork offensive line it looks to be a humbling year for the Black and Gold. I wonder if there are people that feel sorry for them? Good news guys... you get to play the Ravens twice without Ray Lewis.
Cincinnati Bungles
Good job fella's, you let the Browns get a win... Do something like this again and back to the Uggo's you go... That is all.
Arizona Cardinals
4-2 is hardly bad and I know they have injury issues at QB... but the Bills? Really? Come on man!!!
New England Patriots
Tom Brady had this to say following the loss:
"Played hard, shoulda played better. Made some good plays, made some bad plays. Gotta get ready for next week, going home to sleep with a super model. Thank you."
Don't know what I could add to that so...
San Francisco 49ers
So... how's that hype working out for you guys now? You wanted to avenge the playoff loss and instead you get stomped out like a white dude in Crenshaw at night. What the hell was that mess with putting Kaepernick in like he is Timmy Tebow or something? That's not a good idea, don't do that anymore. Steve Young is disappoint.
Minnesota Vikings
Never-you-mind that I switched my defense to these guys in FF at the last minute because Green Bay has been playing like bums, I emphasize 'has', or that they let the 'Skins end an 8 game home losing streak or that they did it with a rookie qb while your second year guy choked his guts out... well not never-you-mind actually, that is what happened. Thanks for losing my FF game this week.... losers.
Houston Texans
No team has ever been overrated for so many years as this bunch except that other Texas team... I wonder if being overrated has something to do with how things are bigger in Texas? Anyways...
This year they finally look like they are gonna live up to the hype and then, not so much. 6 td's by that State Farm rep later and we have some humble pie. Eat all of it fatty!!!
Detroit Lions
Madden cover curse? Check.
Over hyped QB comes down to earth? Check.
Lions losers again? Check.
Star defensive player looking not-so-star like? Check
Well, all is back to normal in the Motor City, hell has unfrozen. That is all.
Yes I am aware they beat Philly... Mike Vick was the Lions team MVP.
And now for a word from our sponsor:
The Bill Belicheat school of Public Relations:
Have you ever been at a press conference and wanted to put as little emotion and effort in your responses as possible? Has there ever been a time when you wish you could speak in a way that is both condescending and uninformative while frustrating those asking you the questions? Well, if you said yes, I have the perfect
system for you; The Tattered Sweater Production company proudly present an instructional film by Bill Bellicheat and inspired by Lurch himself. That's right folks for just $1.99, plus $8.5 million per year in processing, you too can say nothing and make people want to choke you out. Here is a great example:
Reporter: Coach! Coach! Your team just won the Super Bowl for the third time! How do you feel?!?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: Ok... Hey I just got a call, your wife is leaving you... that's horrible... are you ok Coach?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: What the... Wow, you are a cool customer! Hey we are getting reports that your daughter gave birth to your grandson just a few minutes ago, congratulations sir! What do you have to say to her?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Report: Damn, high standards in the Bellicheat family huh? You have anything to say about the accusations of the three super models that say you had sex with them in the locker room at half time?
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
Reporter: Come on man! I am just trying to do my job... help me out a little will ya??!!!
Bill: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
That's right folks it works for the Coach and it can work for you too!!! Call now and we will throw in the Tom Brady guide to being king of the douche bags titled: "Wanna be a dick forever? Impregnate a super model!" for free! Call 1-800-youwishyoucouldbeme right now!
We now join our regularly schedule program already in progress...
Here it is people, the place you never want to see your team but always want to see you rivals. This is where I bring down to size people and teams who will never hear what I have to say to them... it's the...
Ugly!!!
Oakland Raiders
All I have to say is Carson Palmer is all you got and he gave you all he had this week, including a pick six to seal the deal. Al may be gone finally, but his legacy of losing is still breathing.
Dallas Cowboys
Overrated overratedness was overrated again... Not only did they get another shot to win instead of tie after Dez 'I'm the man, throw the flag!!!' Bryant drops a rare good throw by Tony Homo, but then they mismanage the clock in a way that would make Norv Turner proud and have to try a 51 yard field goal, which of course was missed. I love it when Dallas loses, it makes me feel all warm like when I used to climb the rope in gym.
Philadelphia Eagles
Ok, let's check in on the Mustache and Andy Ried's progress in Philly...
Hmm... So you went with Vick and let Kolb go; brilliant move there. Then you call 85% passing plays with an offensive line that Big Ben would be scared to play behind with a QB who couldn't read a blitz if they held up a sign, again brilliant. How's that wide 9 thing working out anyways? This team has just gone to the dogs... lol... get it, the dogs? You know cuz their QB is... awww nevermind.
Buffalo Bills
What's that you won your game this week and don't belong here? Fiddlesticks say I! You gave up 45, 48 and 52 in your losses this year making your defense, which was supposed to get soooo much better since you brought Mario Williams in, 31st overall and dead last against the run. Hey 3-3 is tied with the rest of the teams in your division, that is true, but two of those blow out losses were to the Jets and Pats, and you have to play them again. I am not a betting man, but if I were I wouldn't be looking at you to make me some money.
Kansas Shitty Chiefs
Nope, not a misprint, see what I did there? That's right I am clever... ha! Anyways, Matt Cassel is a bum and his back up is Brady Quinn. Yea that is what we call 'not good' in the personnel business, I wonder why they haven't offered Pioli an extension yet? Go figure.
San Diego Chargers
You wore the powder blue's and still couldn't keep a 24 point lead? I will concede that with Philip Rivers as your QB and Norv Turner as your coach the odds of being a winning team are slim, but come on man... 24 points?!?! Great job of making Peyton Manning look... well, like Peyton Manning. Not sure where I was going with that, but oh well... You suck!
Thanks for reading folks and remember this only my opinion and that and $136.85 will get you a positive battery cable for a 1996 Dodge Dakota. Follow us on twitter @GBUCentral or email us at gbu_central@yahoo.com or on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/SJMusings. Tune in next week when we will hear Bill Bellicheat say: "Did some good things, did some bad things too. Have to work on it for next time."
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