Article: Palooz Presents: 2013 in Film

[Palooza]

I guess it's time.
COMING SOON.
120 movies this go around.
Don't expect me to finish because I never do. (in b4 reference to my penis :badjoke













THE LIST
121. A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
120. Movie 43
119. Now You See Me
118. R.I.P.D.
117. The Lone Ranger
116. The Great Gatsby
115. Kick-Ass 2
114. The Bling Ring
113. The Hangover Part III
112. A Good Day to Die Hard
111. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
110. Oz the Great and Powerful
109. Paranoia
108. Pawn Shop Chronicles
107. The Lords of Salem
106. Identity Thief
105. Parker
104. Gangster Squad
103. Stand Up Guys
102. The Lifeguard
101. Mama
100. 21 & Over
99. Wish You Were Here
98. Bullet to the Head

97. Rapture-Palooza
96. G.I. Joe: Retaliation
95. Admission
94. The Iceman
93. The Call
92. Dead Man Down
91. Carrie
90. Don Jon
89. Oldboy
88. Broken City
87. Elysium
86. Crystal Fairy and the Magical Cactus
85. Trance

84. Olympus Has Fallen
83. John Dies at the End
82. 47 Ronin
81. Somebody Up There Likes Me
80. Welcome to the Punch
79. Saving Mr. Banks
78. Delivery Man
77. The Last Stand
76. Snitch

75. The Company You Keep
74. Scenic Route
73. Disconnect
72. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
71. Out of the Furnace
70. Riddick
69. Jack the Giant Slayer
68. The Purge
67. Only God Forgives

66. Clear History
65. Pain & Gain
64. Coffee Town
63. C.O.G.
62. What Maisie Knew
61. Blue Jasmine
60. The Counselor
59. Iron Man 3
58. Pacific Rim

57. Europa Report
56. Shadow Dancer
55. Sightseers
54. You're Next
53. A Single Shot
52. A.C.O.D.
51. The Hobbit - The Desolation of Smaug
50. Thor - The Dark World
49. Oblivion
48. White House Down
47. Monsters University
46. Man of Steel

45. Drinking Buddies
44. Warm Bodies
43. Bad Milo!
42. Evil Dead
41. The Wolverine
40. The Hunger Games - Catching Fire
39. Star Trek Into Darkness
38. 2 Guns
37. Ain't Them Bodies Saints

 

[Palooza]

Don't expect to see any of these movies on here because I did not see them.

The Butler
Much Ado About Nothing
42
Wrong
Escape from Tomorrow
The Heat
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
Afternoon Delight
Lovelace
Parkland
The Fifth Estate
Insidious Chapter 2
The Internship
Battle of the Year
We’re the Millers
Closed Circuit
RED 2
The Family
After Earth
Runner, Runner
Getaway
Ender’s Game
Free Birds
Last Vegas
The Book Thief
Last Days on Mars
Grudge Match
The Invisible Woman
Homefront
Dear Mr. Watterson
Bad Grandpa
Blue is the Warmest Color
Anchorman 2 - The Legend Continues
Mandela - Long Walk to Freedom

These movies are from 2013 which I also haven't seen but are on Netflix. I may at some point during the duration of the list. I'll edit this post accordingly if I do -

How I Live Now
Dealing with Idiots
20 Feet From Stardom
Violet & Daisy
Best Man Down
Paranoia
Frances Ha

 

[SuperKevin]

You didn't see We're the Millers? It was funny.

 

[MvP]

Short Term #1

 

[NAHSTE]

Just watched Frozen it was #charming

 

[Houston]

Mud #1

Hoping to see at least a top 20 finish for Spring Breakers:med:

 

[SuperKevin]

Just watched Frozen it was #charming

Me too. I enjoyed it

 

[Palooza]

121. A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
Charlie Sheen, Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray, Katheryn Winnick, Patricia Arquette, Aubrey Plaza, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Dermot Mulroney​

Director: Roman Coppola
Writer: Roman Coppola
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: February 8th (limited)
RT Score: 15% (8 fresh. 45 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: The Charlie Sheen Story as told by a Wes Anderson-wannabe.
Comments:
Beyond the obnoxious title, there are two major reasons why this movie has been given the honor of Worst of the Year - Roman Coppola and Charlie Sheen.

Roman Coppola is the son of Francis Ford Coppola and the brother of Sophia Coppola, both filmmakers and if you do not know who either of them are I'm unsure as to why you are even reading this. We'll be seeing Sophia Coppola very soon, so I won't exhaust myself here. Basically, she sucks. Francis Ford Coppola sucks now, too, what a god damn shame. Whatever. Back to Roman. This guy is an Oscar nominated writer for 2012's Moonrise Kingdom, which he wrote with Wes Anderson. And there-in lies the problem. His greatest achievement is also the reason this movie sucks. Wes Anderson has a very specific style, both aesthetically and in terms of storytelling. Here, Coppola makes a movie that tries so hard to fit into a genre which films only include ones made by Anderson that it borders on mockery. It's an absolute bastardization; as if Wes Anderson had serious brain trauma and then attempted to continue to make movies in some mentally disabled state. The supporting cast lead is lead by Anderson cast offs Jason Schwartzman and Bill Murray along with Aubrey Plaza and Mary Elizabeth Winstead. This looks great on paper, but they float through this movie and are for some reason willing to embarrassing themselves at every turn.

It's fitting such a piece of shit film is lead by someone with no shame in embarrassing themselves. Carlos Estevez aka Charlie Sheen does his Two and a Half Men / Anger Management dance through the entire movie, putting on ridiculous costumes, hamming it up in the worst of ways and just dragging you through the excruciatingly pretentious, weird, and obnoxious life and sometimes daydreams of a piece of shit human. It's awful in the worst of ways. No entertainment value.
If you like Charlie Sheen then
:marty:

Spoiler Alert - nothing happens, there are no spoilers.
Grade: F-

 

[Buzzman]

Don't expect to see any of these movies on here because I did not see them.

The Butler
Much Ado About Nothing
42
Wrong
Escape from Tomorrow
The Heat
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
Afternoon Delight
Lovelace
Parkland
The Fifth Estate
Insidious Chapter 2
The Internship
Battle of the Year
We’re the Millers
Closed Circuit
RED 2
The Family
After Earth
Runner, Runner
Getaway
Ender’s Game
Free Birds
Last Vegas
The Book Thief
Last Days on Mars
Grudge Match
The Invisible Woman
Homefront
Dear Mr. Watterson
Bad Grandpa
Blue is the Warmest Color
Anchorman 2 - The Legend Continues
Mandela - Long Walk to Freedom

These movies are from 2013 which I also haven't seen but are on Netflix. I may at some point during the duration of the list. I'll edit this post accordingly if I do -

How I Live Now
Dealing with Idiots
20 Feet From Stardom
Violet & Daisy
Best Man Down
Paranoia
Frances Ha

Outside fo the bold, I am pretty sure all of those movies would be F and a D+ at the highest. What an awful pieces of shit.

 

[Palooza]

Blue is the Warmest Color is on Netflix too but 3 hours and 7 minutes, :marty:

 

[Palooza]

Outside fo the bold, I am pretty sure all of those movies would be F and a D+ at the highest. What an awful pieces of shit.

I didn't see as much shit this year as I did in years past. Lots of mediocrity, though.

 

[Palooza]

I also didn't see Philomena, sorry Larry.

 

[Buzzman]

Blue is the Warmest Color is on Netflix too but 3 hours and 7 minutes, :marty:

For what its worth, it didnt feel like 3 hours long and it was #3 of the year for myself.

 

[Houston]

Blue is the Warmest Color is overrated. It really becomes exposed when you compare it to the actual best films of the year. Not in the same class.

 

[Palooza]

In an effort to avoid running out of steam this year I am going to make sure the write ups aren't as out of control for the movies nobody gives a shit about. You'll see what I mean shortly.

 

[Palooza]

120. Movie 43
Elizabeth Banks, Kristen Bell, Halle Berry, Leslie Bibb, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Josh Duhamel, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Hugh Jackman, Johnny Knoxville, Justin Long, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Liev Schreiber, Seann William Scott, Emma Stone, Jason Sudeikis, Uma Thurman, Naomi Watts, Kate Winslet, Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common, Seth McFarlane, Jeremy Allen White, Chris Pratt, J.B. Smoove, Kieran Culkin, Jack McBrayer, Aasif Mandvi, Bobby Cannavale, John Hodgeman, Katrina Bowden, Chloe Moretz, Patrick Warburton, Matt Walsh, Stephen Merchant​

Director(s): Steven Brill, Peter Farrelly, Will Graham, Steve Carr, Griffin Dunne, James Duffy, Jonathan van Tulleken, Elizabeth Banks, Patrik Forsberg, Brett Ratner, Rusty Cundieff, James Gunn
Writer(s): Steve Baker, Ricky Blitt, Will Carlough, Tobias Carlson, Jacob Fleisher, Patrik Forsberg, Will Graham, James Gunn, Claes Kjellstrom, Jack Kukoda, Bill O'Malley, Matthew Alec Portenoy, Greg Pritikin, Rocky Russo, Olle Sarri, Elizabeth Wright Shapiro, Jeremy Sosenko, Jonathan van Tulleken, Jonas Wittenmark
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: January 25
RT Score: 4% (3 fresh, 73 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: A collection of one-note"comedy" sketches starring a lot of celebrities with questionable script reading abilities.
Comments:
The 90's were a weird time and one of the greater mysteries of that time was the success of Peter and Bobby Farrelly. They are well known for their dumb, raunchy humor, allowing the most obvious joke to hit you right in the face, often bashing you over the head with jokes that only have a sliver of humor in them. Movie 43 brings together a bunch of directors who are either nobodies, suck or are first-timers (except for James Gunn, but I don't even remember his segment) with half assed sketch scripts that even during the darkest days of madTV would be thrown in the trash. For some reason there are a bunch of famous people thrown in there, doing their best to mask the pathetic, childish nature of each of the sketches. There are a lot of different ones, half of which I can't even remember, so I'll keep it general instead of specifically about each. They are normal situations with an absolutely pathetic gimmick thrown in as the joke. Then that joke is beaten over the head. The only ones I can remember include - A blind date between Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet. Hugh Jackman has balls on his chin, which is the best example of the one-note nature of the film; Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville kidnap a leprechaun, Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts give their home-schooled son (Lip from Shameless) the high school experience; Terence Howard is a basketball coach who wants his players to be more black; and Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry continue to one-up one another with pranks. Simple premises with simple punchlines. For anybody who actually has an ounce of interest in comedy, avoid at all costs unless you want to learn how to not do things. I'm pretty sure there are other ones but I can barely remember them/don't give a shit. Somehow this all ties together as a series of youtube clips or sumshit, I don't remember who cares.

If you put 8 one-note sketches together you'll get a deep, hilarious anthology of humor, right? Wrong. This movie is a disgrace and any and everyone involved needs to re-evaluate their careers. Except Elizabeth Banks, she can do no harm. You know how there are certain embarrassing segments in comedies that you wish were edited out because they either drag on for too long, or keep trying to hit the same note? This movie is filled with those scenes. It's a nightmare.

Spoiler Alert - :marty:
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

119. Now You See Me
Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Isla Fisher, Dave Franco, Melanie Laurent, Michael Kelly, Common​

Director(s): Louis Leterrier
Writer(s): Ed Solomon, Boaz Yakin, Edward Ricort
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Release Date: May 31
RT Score: 50% (74 fresh, 75 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Four magicians, puppets for a twist ending, pull off a heist or two.
Comments:
Whether we'd like to admit it or not, our expectations can change the outcome of how you feel about something. This movie is a great example of that. When I first heard about it I remember thinking about how terrible it was going to be and then I saw a trailer and I was like 'well, that could be terrible, but surprisingly enjoyable because I love terrible.' As the movie got closer, somehow I wound up hoping that it somehow could not only be enjoyable, maybe even better than terrible, even though everything was telling me differently. And then I saw it. And it was terrible. All kinds of terrible. I kept looking for pieces of entertainment or enjoyment and I found none. The characters were stale and boring (VSN legend Warner2Bruce said something along the lines of "they even managed to make the always charming Mark Ruffalo boring."), the glorification of magicians (lolwut) was obnoxious, the story was convoluted and smug, even though it hilariously revolves around a twist that makes next to no sense, especially on multiple viewings. The twist is detailed below.

It's terrible, yes, and not in a tongue-in-cheek enjoyable kind of way. In a self-serious, piece of garbage type of way. I am laughing at you, not with you and I'm certainly having no fun doing it. My girl Melanie Laurent is absolutely wasted and Woody/Eisenberg just coast through the movie. Dave Franco is trying his little heart out, but dear god is he lame.

Spoiler Alert:

 

Mark Ruffalo spent his entire life becoming a cop, getting involved in this case, puppet mastering his way into extracting revenge on Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman for his papa's death, who was THE MOST FAMOUS MAGICIAN EVER WHO DIED MID-ACT. He uses Woody, Isla Fisher, Jesse Eisenberg, and Dave Franco as his pawns in his revenge and rewards them for their duty. They all ride a carousel together at the end. Sequel comin'

Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

118. R.I.P.D.
Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Mary-Louise Parker, Kevin Bacon, Stephanie Szostak, James Hong, Marisa Miller, Devin Ratray, David Knepper, Mike O'Malley​

Director(s): Robert Schwentke
Writer(s): Phil Hay, Matt Manfredi, David Dobkin. Peter M Lenkoff (based on his comic book)
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Release Date: July 19
RT Score: 13% (12 fresh, 79 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Men in Black with the Undead
Comments:
Everything that you can imagine that was wrong with this movie, was. The CGI was shit, the plot was paint-by-numbers and predictable. The jokes were easy and pathetic. Very little entertainment value. Just watch Men in Black, it's essentially the same god damn movie.

Spoiler Alert: Good guys probably won, who gives a shit.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

117. The Lone Ranger
Armie Hammer, Johnny Depp, William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson, Ruth Wilson, Helena Bonham Carter, James Badge Dale, Barry Pepper, Stephen Root​

Director(s): Gore Verbinski
Writer(s): Justin Haythe, Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Release Date: July 3rd
RT Score: 30% (66 fresh, 151 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Bad Guys do bad things and the good guys gotta stop them.
Comments:
This is every bit of bad you'd expect it to be. Not to toot my own horn, but I called the end of the Johnny Depp's career as a real actor soon after Pirates of the Caribbean sequels were announced. This guy would do nothing but parade around in costumes, looking and acting as weird as possible. Blowing stuff up with Gore Verbinski and hamming it up with Tim Burton. This happens to be of the Gore Verbinski action variety, which is at least a bit of a relief. On paper. It turns out, this may very well be the worst portrayal of anything in the history of ever. Johnny Depp's Tonto is an embarrassment to the human race. Depp parades his way through the movie as one big cliche and caricature of the Native American culture, spouting off broken English that even the 2 Broke Girls writers would be ashamed to write. On top of this, our villain is also a Native American. He is played by the guy who always plays a white douchebag businessman, William Fichtner.

In an effort to counter the obnoxious nature of Depp's Tonto is the single most boring, Aryan raced mfer out there - Armie Hammer, a human so bland he is literally named after Arm & Hammer baking soda. He tries his hardest and I'm sure there's a reason why Fincher thought he should be the face of the Winkelvii in The Social Network instead of the other guy, but there is no showing of that here. Bleep bloop bleep blarp I am the Lone Ranger.

You can tell they spent a lot of money, based solely on the explosions, costumes and the set pieces, but god damn this is the most Wild Wild West movie ever made and it's like 2 and a half hours long. Pass.

Spoiler Alert: They do stop the bad guys.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

116. The Great Gatsby
Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Cary Mulligan, Joel Edgerton, Isla Fisher, Jason Clarke, Elizabeth Dibicki, Amitahb Bachchan​

Director(s): Baz Luhrmann
Writer(s): Baz Luhrmann, Craig Pierce. F. Scott Fitzgerald (based on his novel)
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Release Date: May 10
RT Score: 49% (125 fresh, 132 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: If you don't know the plot of The Great Gatsby, go back to 10th grade
Comments:
There is a bit of a theme with the next few movies on this list. You will notice how they've butchered their source material, bastardizing the core of these works and instead of commenting/critiquing/satirizing something, they are celebrating it. The Great Gatsby, one of the greatest literary examinations of an era of excess, is butchered, turning into a celebration of riches instead of a critique on it. I could probably go on and on and on and on, but I won't, because it's not worth my time. Even stepping away from the source material, the film is littered with showmanship and little else. It looks pretty, sure, but it has no heart and soul and the characters coast through the film, occasionally overacting to escape the boredom. Lots of wasted talent here, old sport. Hopefully DiCaprio's other movie this year will fare better :duh:

OH! And what the fuck is up with the soundtrack? Jay-Z in the 1920s? Come the fuck on.

Spoiler Alert: :marty:
Grade: F-