Article: Palooz Presents: 2013 in Film

[Palooza]

107. The Lords of Salem
Sherri Moon-Zombie, Bruce Davison, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patricia Quinn, Ken Foree, Sid Haig​

Director(s): Rob Zombie
Writer(s): Rob Zombie
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: April 19th
RT Score: 45% (26 fresh, 32 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: A mystery record has a DJ slowly lose her sanity after listening.
Comments:
Starring Sherri Moon Zombie is all you need to say, really, but she’s not as terrible as she’s been in other Rob Zombie movies. She’s very reserved and normal, not playing some psychopath from the get-go, but someone to descends into madness. The movie starts off really promising, showing Zombie as she works her job as a radio DJ for some hardcore station in Salem. She receives a record which supposedly releases some spirit when played and her descent into madness begins. As the movie goes on, it slowly drifts away from the creepy and subtle to the over the top, hallucinogenic and this is where it all comes to shit.

Zombie has a lot of promise as a filmmaker (something I feel like I’ve been saying after all of his movies) and the Lords of Salem is a nice step in the right direction for him in terms of maturing and stuff, but I think he either needs to get back to the 110% creepy/ridiculous and over the top of House of 1000 Corpses that haunted my dreams or move in another direction. This inbetween bullshit has him making movies like this, which isn’t very good.
Spoiler Alert: She becomes a demon or sumshit.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

106. Identity Thief
Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy. Jon Faverau, Amanda Peet, Genesis Rodriguez, T.I., Morris Chestnut, John Cho, Robert Patrick, Eric Stonestreet, Ellie Kemper, Jonathan Banks, Ben Falcone​

Director(s): Seth Gordon
Writer(s): Craig Mazin
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: February 8th
RT Score: 19% (30 fresh, 131 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Jason Bateman has a girls name so a girl steals his identity, so he tracks her down. Mayhem ensues.
Comments:
People keep telling me Melissa McCarthy is hilarious, but I’m still waiting for a good laugh. Did you guys know she is fat? This is like Due Date in some fucked up dimension where they found a way to make it worse.

Spoiler Alert: Who cares :marty:
Grade: F-

 

[LiquidLarry2GhostWF]

A little hard on Lords of Salem. Definitely not good...but shouldn't be among the dregs like Oz and Identify Thief.

 

[Buzzman]

The Devils Rejects is awesome. First half of 1000 Corpses is awesome. Lords of Salem was shit, but it was weird looking in an original manner.

 

[Palooza]

105. Parker
Jason Statham, Jennifer Lopez, Michael Chiklis, Wendell Pierce, Clifton Collins, Jr, Bobby Cannavale, Nick Nolte​

Director(s): Taylor Hackford
Writer(s): John J. McLaughlin. Donald E. Westlake (based on his novel)
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: January 25th
RT Score: 41% (42 fresh, 61 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Same plot as every other Stath movie.
Comments:
Jennifer Lopez does a bastardization of Karen Sisco (in a general sexy and badass accomplice sense) while Stath does the same shit he does in every movie. You know precisely what you are getting with this one. If you are a Hennifer Yopez fan and you love tacos y burritos and/or you can’t get enough of the Stath, you can check out Transporter 45: Parker. Otherwise, nothing to see here. Same old forgettable nonsense.

Spoiler Alert: Stath wins.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

104. Gangster Squad
Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Sean Penn, Emma Stone, Nick Nolte, Anthony Mackie, Mireille Enos, Giovanni Ribisi, Michael Pena, Robert Patrick, Sullivan Stapleton​

Director(s): Ruben Fleischer
Writer(s): Will Beal
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: January 11th
RT Score: 32% (62 fresh, 132 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: A group of cops ditch their badges and go after ruthless mob kingpin Mickey Cohen in Prohibition-era LA.
Comments:
Even though Gangster Squad is based on a “true” story, all it really is is a weak Untouchables ripoff with wooden characters, over the top acting wave: Sean Penn), cliche ridden script (YOU MEAN THE FAMILY MAN DIES!?) and some really lazy directing. Ruben Fleischer once had promise after the incredibly fun and successful Zombieland, but between this and 30 Minutes or Less, Fleischer seems to be a one-hit wonder. For only one second, watching the absolutely mind-numbing Mob City on TNT over Christmas made me appreciate this movie, but just for that split second.
Middle of the night HBO watch for how terrible it is? Certainly. Otherwise you can pass.

Spoiler Alert: Josh Brolin beats Sean Penn to death with his mothafuckin hands.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

103. Stand Up Guys
Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, Alan Arkin, Juliana Marguilies, Mark Margolis, Katheryn Winnick, Bill Burr​

Director(s): Fischer Stevens
Writer(s): Noah Haidle
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: February 1st
RT Score: 37% (40 fresh, 67 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Pacino is released from prison after taking one for the team. His best friend and former partner (Walken) is tasked with picking him up and killing him, they decide to have one night of fun before the deed needs to be done.
Comments:
I figured out the entire plot within the first 10 minutes. Everyone is playing a caricature of themselves, the overall plot is one you've seen a million times, the ending is the only logical way they'd go because it's the easiest cop-out route for the problem presented in the plot, the Walken/waitress reveal was known the second he mentions he has a daughter and you see her on screen. A god damn shame.

Spoiler Alert: Spoilers in comments.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

102. The Lifeguard
Kristen Bell, David Lambert, Mamie Gummer, Martin Starr, Alex Shaffer, Joshua Harto, Amy Madigan, John Finn​

Director(s): Liz W. Garcia
Writer(s): Liz W. Garcia
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: August 30th
RT Score: 13% (4 fresh, 26 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Feeling a midlife crisis coming on, a 30 year old woman quits her job and returns home, taking up her old summer job as a lifeguard in an effort to feel some sort of happiness.
Comments:
A dark dramedy that is not funny and extremely melodramatic. No real characters to even keep you entertained. Colossal waste of my time.

Spoiler Alert: :marty:
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

101. Mama
Jessica Chastain, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Megan Charpentier, Isabelle Nelisse, Daniel Kash, Jane Moffat, Javier Botet​

Director(s): Andres Muschietti
Writer(s): Neil Cross, Andrés Muschietti, Barbara Muschietti
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Release Date: January 18th
RT Score: 65% (97 fresh, 52 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: After being left ‘alone’ in the woods for five years, two young sisters are found and taken care of by their aunt and uncle. Slowly we begin to find out they weren’t really alone and whatever took care of them has followed them to their new home.
Comments:
This movie is pretty good up until they reveal what MAMA actually looks like and then it becomes laughably bad. You can’t take anything seriously after seeing that thing. A weird ending doesn’t help and a serious lack of Jamie Lannister even though he plays twins.

Spoiler Alert: Mama gets what she wants or sumshit.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

100. 21 and Over
Justin Chon, Skylar Austin, Miles Teller, Sarah Wright, Francois Chau, Jonathan Keltz, Daniel Booko, Samantha Futerman​

Director(s): Jon Lucas & Scott Moore
Writer(s): Jon Lucas & Scott Moore
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: March 1st
RT Score: 28% (27 fresh, 71 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Smart asian guy is convinced to go out on his 21st birthday by his reckless besties. Oh and tomorrow he has a med school interview at 7am. Mayhem ensues
Comments:
Written by the guys who wrote the original Hangover, or at least the bare bones of it since all of the funny stuff was added by Todd Phillips. Okay so imagine the Hangover, now strip all of the humor from it and you have 21 and Over. So bad and so lazy.

Spoiler Alert: :marty:
Grade: F-

 

[NAHSTE]

Wait how long are we supposed to pretend Skylar Austin isn't like 31 years old? Not til after Pitch Perfect 2, I hope.

 

[Glenbino]

What happens to this list when you finally watch The Hunt?

Is it ineligible because it didn't make the cut when you started the list?

Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk

 

[Palooza]

What happens to this list when you finally watch The Hunt?

Is it ineligible because it didn't make the cut when you started the list?

Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk

It will be unranked when I post it special with the Delivery Man review just for you, so I'll see it in a few days. But when I have all the reviews in the OP I will rank it. Does that make sense?

 

[Palooza]

99. Wish You Were Here
Joel Edgerton, Teresa Palmer, Felicity Price, Antony Starr​

Director(s): Kieran Darcy-Smith
Writer(s): Kieran Darcy-Smith, Felicity Price
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: June 7th
RT Score: 71% (41 fresh, 17 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Two couples go to South East Asia and get fucked up, people do bad things. Sex. Murder.
Comments:
After seeing Warm Bodies (on the list somewhere), I had a thing for Teresa Palmer, so I started checking out some of her movies. This one had Joel Edgerton a relatively interesting premise and was from 2013, so I was down. I made a mistake. It has a nice little interesting mystery, but it’s also loaded with a lot of shit we’ve seen a zillion times - perfect family man isn’t all he seems to be, a vacation brings this all to head, etc. However dropped in there is a nice little mystery as one of the friends went missing after a drug-induced night of binge drinking, but the payoff is so fucking whack that I failed this movie based on that alone. I hated the ending sooooo much.

Spoiler Alert: Don’t travel, the locals will match your respect by murdering you because of your friend’s disrespect.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

98. Bullet to the Head
Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Sarah Shahi, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Christian Slater, Jason Momoa, Jon Seda, Holt McCallany, Brian Van Pelt​

Director(s): Walter Hill
Writer(s): Alessandro Camon
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: February 1st
RT Score: 46% (61 fresh, 71 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: A cop and a gangster pair up after each of their partners are killed by the same people.
Comments:
I'm not sure if it's the 80's-90's action star or the 80's action director, but this movie has an old school feel, but in the worst way. It's ridiculously corny and paint by numbers with Stallone playing a fourth rate version of his action star persona with Sung Kang (my nigga Han) as the straight man, which does not fit him well - he's boring as all hell and has none of the snarky confidence of Han, just a lot of whining and getting bitched out by Stallone for being a punk azz bitch. Khal Drogo does his best, but there's nothing special about him.

Spoiler Alert: That axe fight from the trailer is when Sly kills Drogo.
Grade: F-

 

[Palooza]

97. Rapture-Palooza
Anna Kendrick, Craig Robinson, John Francis Daley, Rob Corddry, Ken Jeong, Tom Lennon, Tyler Labine, Paul Sheer, Calum Worthy, John Michael Higgins, Ana Gasteyer, Rob Huebel ​

Director(s): Paul Middleditch
Writer(s): Chris Matheson
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: June 7th
RT Score: 22% (4 fresh, 12 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: The Rapture goes down and the devil (Craig Robinson) wants to take a bride (Anna Kendrick), she and her boyfriend (John Francis Daley) have other plans.
Comments:
Craig Robinson and Anna Kendrick being extremely likable and the nice name drop in the title are all that keeps this movie from failure. It’s like an extended Funny or Die sketch that isn’t exactly funny to start off with. Of the three end of the world comedies this year, this is BY FAR the worst. So low budget it hurts.

Spoiler Alert: Happiness.
Grade: D

 

[LiquidLarry2GhostWF]

How did Anna Kendrick get suckered into that flick?

 

[Palooza]

96. G.I. Joe Retaliation
Dwayne Johnson, Ray Park, Adrianne Palicki, D.J. Cotrona, Channing Tatum, Bruce Willis, Joseph Mazzello, Ryan Hansen, Luke Bracey, Ray Stevenson, Byung-Hung Lee, Jonathan Pryce, Walton Goggins, RZA​

Director(s): John M. Chu
Writer(s): Rhett Reese, Paul Werneck
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Release Date: March 28th
RT Score: 28% (45 fresh, 116 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: The Joes go rogue or sumshit and have to battle both friend and foe
Comments:
Similar to Bullet to the Head in terms of that throwback corny action feel. Unlike any other action movie to suck as bad as these, this one has The Rock in it, the single most likable and charismatic action star we have these days. Unfortunately for him, even he couldn’t save this wreck. I was on board with enjoying how terrible this film was going to be until about 20 minutes in WHEN THEY KILL CHANNING TATUM BECAUSE THE PRODUCERS DIDN’T LIKE HIM! The only redeeming quality from the first one is C-Tates and they go ahead and blow him up in the pansiest, most bullshit death I’ve seen in a long time. Didn’t care enough about the rest of the movie, completely checked out. I remember random explosions and Bruce Willis autopilot.

Spoiler Alert: C-Tates dies, and it happens very early. :marty:
Grade: D

 

[Palooza]

95. Admission
Tina Fey, Paul Rudd, Michael Sheen, Lily Tomlin, Wallace Shawn, Nat Wolff​

Director(s): Paul Weitz
Writer(s): Karen Kroner
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Release Date: March 22nd
RT Score: 38% (56 fresh, 98 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: A srs admissions officer gets caught up with a man and a promising young student from an alternative school who very well may be her son.
Comments:
Unfunny and contrived. Typical forgettable comedy. Not worth my time rattling my brain for memories of this film, sawwy.

Spoiler Alert: The kid is her son duuuuhhhh
Grade: D

 

[Palooza]

94. The Iceman
Michael Shannon, Chris Evans, Winona Ryder, Ray Liotta, James Franco, David Schwimmer, Stephen Dorff​

Director(s): Ariel Vroman
Writer(s): Morgan Land, Ariel Vroman. Anthony Bruno (based off of his book). Jim Thebaut (based off of his documentary).
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: May 3rd
RT Score: 66% (79 fresh, 40 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Notorious hitman Richard Kuklinski tries to balance his profession with his family life, all the while keeping his career from his family until his eventual arrest.
Comments:
I really wanted to like this movie. Michael Shannon as a ruthless hitman who wears a mask around his family, keeping them in the dark. Shannon is perfect in the role, but he can only do so much as the sloppy script and boring direction keeps the film from ever becoming any good. Chris Evans is also a blast as a fellow hitman who teams up with and is eventually killed by Kuklinski. The unraveling of Kuklinski is a bit rushed, but handled perfectly by Shannon who could play a psycho murderer in his sleep. Unfortunately the consequences of this result in the aforementioned death of the only exciting character in the entire film. Winona Ryder is in all of her overacting glory, doing her best Skyler White/Margaret Schroeder naggy wife nonsense. Liotta is the same character he plays in every movie, just sometimes he's a good guy and sometimes he's a bad guy. Here, he's the bad guy. I think? David Schwimmer is an obvious weak point of the film but I couldn't tell if it was him or his character that annoyed me. He is a friend (I think?) of Kuklinski and a "co-worker" and also a fucking deadbeat who is used as a plot device.

If you are interested in this story, it's best to watch the documentary (The Iceman Tapes) and listen first hand from Kuklinski himself. It's chilling and haunting and mostly terrifying. This adaptation is none of those things.

Spoiler Alert: He gets caught.
Grade: D