Dell's Pointless Lists Presents: The Way Too Late 2012 Movie Wrap-Up

[dell71]

12 Worst of '12 (cont'd)...

9. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2012/08/underworld-awakening.html">Underworld: Awakening</a></strong>
Underworld: Awakening simply tries to hide its lazy writing with a succession of not-always-so-nicely-rendered battle scenes. That, my friends, should be punishable by two shots to the chest and one to the head with ultra-violet or silver nitrate rounds, depending on which side of the monster ledger you think we’re dealing with.​

to be continued...

 

[LiquidLarry2GhostWF]

You're hitting these "worst of's" out of the park. Some straight booty 12-9, so far.

 

[dell71]

Worst 12 of '12 (cont'd)...

8. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2012/08/battleship.html">Battleship</a></strong>
I’m not sure anyone who has played the game could come up with enough of a storyline to justify a movie being made for it. Sadly, neither could the people actually involved in making it.​

 

[dell71]

Worst of '12 (cont'd)...

7. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2013/03/this-means-war.html">This Means War</a>
To their credit, the performers try valiantly to breathe life into this thing. As we all know, reanimating a corpse is impossible.​

 

[dell71]

Worst 12 of '12 (cont'd)...

6. <a href="http://www.blogger.com/"><span id="goog_2052937015"></span>Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection</a>
Tyler Perry is back in drag, yet again.​

 

[dell71]

Worst 12 of '12 (cont'd)...

5. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2013/02/what-to-expect-when-youre-expecting.html">What to Expect When You're Expecting</a>
What to Expect is a classic case of a talented ensemble given nothing to work with and going through the motions.​

 

[Palooza]

I'm SO sorry you watched the last three. Even I wouldn't sink that far.

 

[Houston]

Most of the stuff you praised Tarrantino for, gets credited to writing. I think Ang Lee hands down did a better job directing. Every individual thing about Life of Pi pretty much sucked but he pulled it all together and seemingly went above and beyond the script. Which was significantly..significantly worse than what Tarrantino had to work with as a director.

 

[SethMode]

I haven't seen Life of Pi, so I can't comment on that, but I loved Django. Although Houston's argument I think is pretty good, from a fundamental standpoint. If all you have is an Indian kid and a tiger, and you make it work (did he make it work?) that's impressive. I kind of refuse to watch the movie because I love the book too much.

Random question, I was really hoping two people would be playing Battleship in Battleship, or that someone would exclaim, at some point, that someone just sunk their Battleship (or if they want to be "clever" about it, someone just sunk their Submarine)...did anything like that happen?

 

[LiquidLarry2GhostWF]

Those last three are some real shit. Why would you watch some obvious terrible booty juice like that?

 

[dell71]

Most of the stuff you praised Tarrantino for, gets credited to writing. I think Ang Lee hands down did a better job directing. Every individual thing about Life of Pi pretty much sucked but he pulled it all together and seemingly went above and beyond the script. Which was significantly..significantly worse than what Tarrantino had to work with as a director.

All fair and valid points.

I haven't seen Life of Pi, so I can't comment on that, but I loved Django. Although Houston's argument I think is pretty good, from a fundamental standpoint. If all you have is an Indian kid and a tiger, and you make it work (did he make it work?) that's impressive. I kind of refuse to watch the movie because I love the book too much.

Random question, I was really hoping two people would be playing Battleship in Battleship, or that someone would exclaim, at some point, that someone just sunk their Battleship (or if they want to be "clever" about it, someone just sunk their Submarine)...did anything like that happen?

Ang Lee absolutely made it work...but that's coming from someone who has never read the book so take that for whatever you think it's worth.

Battleship...Taylor Kitsch's character sits in front of a giant grid and calls out game style coordinates to fire and sinks some alien ships. Strangely, no one ever utters the classic line.

Those last three are some real shit. Why would you watch some obvious terrible booty juice like that?

Why subject myself to finishing a movie I already think is bad? It's simple, really. One of my core beliefs is what I call the law of opposites. We only understand something because we also understand it's opposite. We know what up is because we also know what down is. In movie terms, I can appreciate good movies more, because I know, or think I know, what bad movies are and vice-versa. I keep watching because there are always new levels of badness just as there are goodness. The cycle never ends.

If you want a more practical reason, I watch a lot of movies by myself but sometimes I'll watch whatever the wife and/or kids wants to see.

But wait, it gets worse...at least imho...

 

[dell71]

Worst 12 of '12 (cont'd)...

4. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2013/09/bachelorette.html">Bachelorette</a>
Believe it, or not, so much suckiness is thankfully crammed into an hour and a half. However, since I started checking my watch about fifteen minutes in, it feels much much longer. I didn't think the hands of time could move so slowly.​

 

[dell71]

Worst 12 of '12 (cont'd)...

3. Piranha 3DD
Its predecessor was trash of an endlessly and enjoyably repugnant variety. It was like gorging yourself on a gigantic bag of your favorite mini candy bars. The sequel is more like eating directly out of a dumpster.​

 

[dell71]

Worst 12 of '12 (cont'd)...

2. The Innkeepers
Our director, Ti West, also helmed the equally bad and equally overrated House of the Devil. If you see this man anywhere near a movie set, please have the nearest person call 911 while you physically restrain him until the cops arrive.​

 

[dell71]

Worst 12 of '12 (cont'd)...

1. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2013/08/fun-size.html">Fun Size</a>
Nothing unexpected happens and almost none of it is funny when it does.​

 

[dell71]

Before we move on, I have a little more business to get to about '12's rotten flicks.

First up is a special shout out to this man...

Liam Neeson
Aside from Battleship, which clocked in as my eighth worst movie of last year, Mr. Neeson also had prominent roles in three other horrible productions in 2012: The Grey, Taken 2, and Wrath of the Titans. Since he probably made lots of money doing it, I'm not mad at him.​

 

[dell71]

Next, I have to spotlight a couple of movies I thought were bad, but I'm completely in love with. In other words, these two movies were...

2012's Movies So Bad They're Awesome!

<a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-expendables-2.html">The Expendables 2</a>
Without question, this is a “turn your brain off” experience starring a group of guys who made a pretty good living making stuff go boom.


&

<a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-man-with-iron-fists.html">The Man With the Iron Fists</a>
A sharply written plot and Oscar-worthy performances are not found here. To be honest, don’t even expect it all to make sense within its own context. However, the blood splattering action makes it a package just too cheesy to resist.​

Now I'm done.

 

[dell71]

I've already given you my list of 2012's worst movies. Since you're probably thoroughly depressed at the prospect of watching those movies, I'll go ahead and show you the opposite side of the cinematic coin. Again, I'll note that this list doesn't strictly follow the scores I initially gave them. As I said yesterday, the way I feel about some movies evolves over time. With that said, feel free to click on the titles to see those original reviews. My idea on the score may have changed, but the things I like and dislike about each pretty much remain the same, if that makes sense. And of course, feel free to give your thoughts on the matter. In the (not so) immortal words of Drake...what is this world coming to when I'm quoting Drake...we started from the bottom, now we're here...

The 12 Best Movies of 2012

12. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2013/02/silver-linings-playbook.html">Silver Linings Playbook</a>
This is pretty standard chick-flick stuff, but in David O. Russell’s capable hands it is far better than most of its ilk.​

to be continued...

 

[dell71]

12 Best of '12 (cont'd)...

11. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2013/04/looper.html">Looper</a>
Even though it is science-fiction, Looper is not about showing off whatever futuristic gadgets the filmmakers can dream up or giving us a laser and lights show. It’s a rather human tale that happens to contain time-travel.​

 

[dell71]

12 Best of '12 (cont'd)...

10. <a href="http://dellonmovies.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-cabin-in-woods.html">The Cabin in the Woods</a>
It works on multiple levels. Its layers don’t merely cover, but enhance one another. This works so well that despite all the wicked cutlery and pointed or jagged fangs on display, the movie’s wit is sharpest of them all.​