Ok people. Listen up! Week 11 is gone and while we are getting ready to stuff ourselves with turkey in the name of family and sharing, I have the perfect way to keep you from gaining too much weight this year. Here to spoil your appetite and make sure you are sick with loathing and anger and even some pity for his sorry attempt at journalism is the one, the only, Steeljake!
Hmm... Time for a new announcer... again. This is getting to be worse than Spinal Tap's drummer issues.
Thank you disembodied voice! At least I can be useful this holiday season, albeit in an unappetizing way. Week 11 has come and gone and we are fast approaching the do or die portion of the season, also know as the No Romo zone. Some teams are still making moves in hopes of at least playing spoiler while others are making plans for island getaways. The entire AFC North gagged their way to being swept this week and I am sad to report only one team lost to an opponent with a winning record. The Bears continued to show us who they really are, while the Saints and Colts stayed on the road to perfection.
We have some rookie of the year candidates making their presence known, though MR. Cushings lack of technique and failed attempt of a so called hit on Chris Johnson may have set him back some. Brett Favre is making all of us who doubted him look silly and he may cost Ted Thompson his job if he can make it to Tampa. The Cowboys are warming up for their struggle in December and right on cue the Bungles made the flight to Oakland and left the Bengals on the tarmac. The silence at the Jets HQ is only broken by tears and the Broncos are proving to everyone they don't need Jay or Shanahan to fall apart completely.
We have more than enough meat to go around, so grab your plates and get in the buffet line people, it's time to eat!!
- Miami Dolphins
No more Ronnie Brown? Ok by sticky Ricky. After starting 0-3 this team has crawled back into the AFC wildcard race at 5-5 and with teams like the Steelers, Ravens and Broncos showing signs of slipping they very well could gain access to the post season dance. A sober Ricky averaged 5.4 yards a carry and while he may not be as effective as Ronnie in the wildcat the cannon that Chad Henne carries around for a right arm should be able to help, that is if they can get someone to catch the ball.
- Indianapolis Colts
Ho hum, another week, another team afraid of the shadow cast by Peyton. Pretty soon he won't even have to play at all the way teams are cowering to him. Wait, I have yet another letter in my inbox from Mr. Manning, let's see what he has to say this week kiddies...
Dear NFL head coaches,
While I appreciate the respect you show me by throwing your game plan out the window and then driving the bus over your players and coaches by risking it all to 'go for the win', I wish you would at least let the defense try to stop me. I need some reps for the playoffs when I get to play teams who know they can win instead of just hoping for it. Let’s face it, you know I'm the greatest of all time and I know it too, but maybe that 2nd year db needs to be burned for a TD to shrink his head and make him a team player instead of thinking he is the next Neon Deion. I always want the win, but I am here to help too. So help me help you, ok?
Signed, you're Daddy;
#18
I had a chance to speak to an actual Colts fan, archer from www.virtualsportsnetwork.com and here is some of that interview:
GBU: Is Manning becoming so great that other teams are just afraid of the idea of him?
Archer: I don't know if he's that great lol but he does have a HUGE effect on how teams game plan v us. Teams milk the clock all day long to keep him off the field and then we have the famous BB "4th and 2" call all because he seemed scared of Manning driving 70 yards on his D for the win . It's nothing new but I do think that with the newer rules and such teams are more willing to take a risk instead of letting the game come down to Manning and other top QB’s v the D.
GBU : Is manning the GOAT or does he just benefit more from the new passing rules?
Archer : Manning BELONGS in the GOAT discussion without a doubt. It's hard to pick between guys of a different era but his body of work is simply amazing. Three MVPs and still contending for a fourth, 9 pro bowls, one super bowl ring, one super bowl MVP and four time all pro selection. Even though the newer rules are very qb friendly, it would be crazy to have a GOAT discussion without putting Manning's name into contention at the very least.
GBU: Fair enough. Does this team do this well this year if Dungy is till at the helm?
Archer: I don't know if we would be unbeaten but we would still be leading the South in my opinion. I think everybody was ready for a change and a "new spin" even if most of the theories have stayed the same under Caldwell. I also think Ron Meeks resigning from D/C was the best thing that has happened to the Colts in a LONG time.
GBU: Will the Colts go undefeated?
Archer: If we don't rest our players we will go undefeated into the post season yes. The playoffs are another story but I don't think it's crazy to think we could do it ... With a little bit of luck on our side we are totally capable of winning every game remaining including the post-season.
GBU: Do you think that if the Colts do go 19-0 that the '72 Dolphins will actually welcome them into the club instead of praying for their demise like they did to NE?
Archer: I think the '72 Phins want to stay as the only members of that club. They will welcome us if we do it but if we do go 16-0 they will be trying to put all sorts of jinxes on our post-season [and I] can't say I blame them either
GBU: Thanks for your time.
Archer: No problem.
- Detroit Lions
38 points, a last second win and a gutsy performance by a rookie QB. These my friends are not signs of a team on the decline. I dare say it but the Lions are moving in the right direction. Nice... it only took 20 years.
- Jacksonville Jaguars
This team couldn't find it is identity in the first few weeks of the season but it seems that someone has reminded them that no one can tackle that midget known as MJD. After being blown out by the Seahawks the Jags have won 4 of their last 5 and are in the driver’s seat for a wildcard spot. Besides games against the Colts and Pats the rest of the schedule looks winnable, but you know what they say about chickens before they hatch.
- Minnesota Favre's
Favre's too old, his arm is hurt and he is a waffler that is only out for himself... and his team is 9-1. While it is true he benefits from one on one match ups down field due to the beast in the back field known as Adrian 'All Day' Peterson he still has to make the throws and he is doing just that. The division is all but sewn up and all that is left is who will the Vikings meet in the playoffs first. Who knows, this might be Brett's year and we could see him pull an Elway in Tampa and go out on top.
- New Orleans Saints
Excuse me, but can someone tell me how the Saints are winning close games? Drew Brees is known for choking it out when the score is close, but with a real running game and a defense that can hold people to less than 85 points per game it seems as though the Saints have an actual football team. The Vikings versus Saints match up is what we all want but again, no counting chickens before they hatch. I caught up with DomePatrol, a die hard Saints fan who posts at www.vistrualsportsnetwork.com and here is some of what we talked about:
GBU: With the recent success of the saints in close games how do think the season will end for this team?
Domepatrol: Depends on if they continue the slow starts. Against teams like the Pats this week if we start slow it can be a long day. But we have also shown the drive and passion to pull out of these first half slumps. We will finish 15-1 possibly 14-2 if Dallas pulls out all the stops when they come into town.
GBU: Can this team beat the Vikings to make it to the super bowl? They both have a ton of weapons and even though Minnesota’s front seven is beastly, the Saints have a pretty good secondary...
GBU: We played the Vikings last year and almost pulled out the game despite having I think 5 TOs. We held AP to 37 rush yards so we proved we can stop their run game and with the addition of Mckenzie and Mcalister we can hold Favre down for a few drives that we could capitalize on. As far as their front seven drew Brees is one of the least sacked QBs the past three years we can slow them down but let’s face it there’s no stopping the mullet.
GBU: The mullet is exceptional... Do you have in the back of your mind Drew Brees's penchant for choking in big games?
Domepatrol: Well besides this past game against the Bucs he had I think 10 turnovers maybe it was 7 either way I was starting to wonder if the pressure was starting to get to him. I think it isn't all on him anymore though in the past if he would mess up then we would lose. Now if Drew is having a bad day just give it to PT or Bell, hell Reginald [Bush] looks like he is starting to learn that you run up the field and not side to side. Even the defense takes pressure off of him by holding teams to scores lower than 57.
GBU: Is Reggie Bush a bust?
Domepatrol: Depends on what you ask him to do; is he a fulltime RB... of course not. Is he a match up nightmare coming out in the flat? Hell yeah. I don’t know if anyone’s ever really asked what he was drafted for. I think he is a decent RB who still needs work but as far as his playmaker ability it's unrivaled. If a team blitzes and he gets into the open it only takes one guy to miss and then he's gone.
GBU: So is he a glorified slot wide receiver?
Domepatrol: Well this season he was improving so I'll say slot receiver finally learning what running north and south means.
GBU: What do feel the keys for winning the against the Patriots this Monday night?
Domepatrol: Keys for the pats game well... Greg Williams loves his blitzes so I think we can come out blitzing and hope we reach Brady before he throws one to Moss streaking down field or Welker doing a slant and making a guy miss. Sharper will probably help out with [Randy] Moss by sitting in the middle. As far as offense I think we can handle their secondary. ESPN was saying how much they have improved but Peyton [Manning] tore them up and Meriweathers' picks have come against the Bucs [Josh] Johnson and [the Jets Mark] Sanchez who looks like ass now. I still think they are vulnerable back there.
GBU: Thanks for your time.
Domepatrol: No problem, anytime.
- New York Giants
It took overtime against a strug-aling Falcons squad to get that win? You're in the good for getting off the schnide, but you better get it together quick or the overrated cries for Eli will get loud fast.
- Kansas City Chiefs
How do you validate a rebuilding year? Easy, beat the defending super bowl champs in overtime after losing the coin toss. The Chiefs didn't play great, but they played at a slightly lesser dergree of suck-a-tude than the Steelers. A win is a win after all style points mean jack in the NFL.
- Green Bay Packers
Despite letting a team with no offense come back from a 23-3 half time deficit the Packer somehow managed to hold on for the win. At 6-4 they have a good shot at a wildcard spot since beating the Vikings for the division is out of reach. QB Aaron Rodgers not only posted a plus 300 passing day with 2 td's and no picks but he was able to shove his 'success' into the face of the team that took Alex Smith instead of him. Mr. Rodgers was also not sacked once in this game which I am sure is relief since being sacked more tha David Carr in the past few weeks. This Packers team is not great, but they don’t suck either. The bad news is linebacker Aaron Kampman and cornerback Al Harris were both carted off the field with knee injuries and as of this writing NFL.com reports they will both be out for the season.
- San Diego Chargers
Ok, what is the number one sign that it is mid to late November?
(Choose one)
1. The leaves are falling off of trees and the sun goes down before 7 pm.
2. Turkeys everywhere are dressing up as possums and praying for a Turkey flu outbreak.
3. The Chargers have over come a slow start to catch and pass their hated rivals the Broncos and take the division lead.
If you chose anything other than 3 stop reading the GBU now and go pick up a Cosmo and get your nails done fruity. I am sad to report to all the Powder Blue faithful that were sure Norv was done for in San Diego that the slow start has hit again. AJ Smith sets his watch by this junk and counts his cash by the light coming from the flames of the Broncos going down in flames once again. I still hate Rivers and Merriman is a roid junky, but even leading a division in the West is leading a division.
- New England Patriots
What’s the cure for possibly the worst 4th down call against the best quarterback in the NFL today? Play a team with an over confident rookie and a head coach who talks a good game but cries an even better one. The Pats still have not lost back to back games since 2007. Oddly enough the last two games they lost back to back were against the Colts and Jets. This time, not so much. Saints are coming to town next and I bet you anything you want Bellicheat isn't afraid of Drew either.
- Tennessee Titans
So... V.Y. isn't done like dinner just yet I guess. This win is 4 in a row for the Titans and 8 in a row for Vince in the regular season (only Peyton manning and Drew Brees hold longer streaks) and with that monster speed demon Chris Johnson on pace to rush for about 3 million yards who knows what this team could have done if they just went with Young instead of Grandpa Collins. Add to this newly found confidence of V.Y. the installation of the spread option and you have a formula for success, until the other coaches put in the d to stuff it anyways. Teams now have to force Vince to win the game and for now he is doing just that. Jeff Fisher is safe again, for now.
- Oakland Raiders
I hate the Raiders, and I hate to do this but...
(This one is for you Mike...)
Dear Oakland,
I am writing to thank you for benching that idiot Jamarcus Russell in time to bring the Bungles back to earth. Their recent success against the Steelers and Ravens has made them even more unbearable than usual and since you suck year in and year out (though the last time we played you won) we all knew the Bungles would overlook you. Bruce looked great and even that drunken kicker Janokowski couldn't miss that field goal. I pray for Al's death right along with Raider nation today to show my gratitude for the Silver and Black.
Best of luck against everyone except us,
Sincerely;
Steeljake.
While I take a moment to puke my guts out, pleas enjoy this soothing musical selection:
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2PBlAKFsfc&feature=related"]YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.[/ame]
And now back to our regularly scheduled asshattery...
- Baltimore Ravens
Guess who else is afraid of Peyton Manning? I will give you a hint; his first name starts with John and his last name sounds like Harbaugh. Yes he is related to the Coach Harbaugh that called the 4th and 22 play at Stanford as well. Coincidence? I think not. What happened to this team? For ten years they have been intimidating on defense and played with a growl and now it sounds more like a whimpering meow. The new defensive coordinator must not have seen the film on how they have won all those games. The blitz is long forgotten in Baltimore and while opposing qb's are happy, Ray Ray isn’t and it won't be long before he tell us all just how he feels.
- Washington Redskins
A powerless head coach and a worthless offense and still one play away from beating the Cowboys. Your reward for that 'moral' victory? You get to be in the Bad instead of the Uggo's. Take Tuesday off on me fellas.
- Atlanta Falcons
Can you say sophomore slump? Ryan either isn’t the GOAT or maybe he is a little overrated or better yet... he is a 2nd year qb in the NFL and people have film on him. Add to that a strug-a-ling running game, now with injuries for added suckiness, and a young defense and what we have here is an 8-8 team. The real test is how they finish the year; will they fight or will they lie down and just plan their island golf trips?
- San Francisco 49ers
For the record I still love Mike Singletary. However, no amount of pulling your pants down or brilliant speeches about heart and work ethic will fix that offense. 24th in rushing and 23rd in passing is what we call in the biz strug-a-ling. They are set up decently on defense and if they can land Mcnabb in the off-season without killing their draft they might be OK... in 2011.
- Dallas Cowboys
Yea yea, I know they won. But a last second td against a team as bad as the Skins is never going to get you into the good. Maybe Romo is just getting into December mode early this year. Hate away haters.
- St. Louis Rams
OK, they are out of the Ugly these days since they aren't being blown off the field but when you take out Warner and get the second worst bust in the last 5 years at QB and can't get a win you suck. Not as bad as normal, but still a degree of suck-a-tude.
And now for a word from our sponsor; The Terrell Owens School for being thankful.
<the scene opens with an obviously shaken man dressed in a suit and tie standing next to T.O. dressed smartly in a 'I love Me some Me' skin tight shirt.>
Scurred dude: Are you a millionaire spoiled brat athlete who is overrated and over paid? Do you have trouble coming up with things to be thankful for during the Holidays? Well, fear not young bling blingers, T.O.'s sure fire method of self praise and uber conceit will have you being thankful for you as much as the fans for the team you aren't on are. Here he is now to show you how to love yourself...
T.O.: Huh? I am supposed to say something now? Ok... Umm... I am the greatest wide out to ever play the game and I made Donovan McNabb and Tony Romo into superstars. People love to hate what they wish they could be and I am all that and a bag of fat free chips. If they only knew how awesome I really am I would already be in the HoF and Dallas would have never cut me for Roy Williams. How can you not love me? I mean LOOK AT ME!!!!!"
Really scurred dude: "Umm... ok Mr. Owens... thanks I think...
<In his ear the producer is screaming at him to wrap this train wreck up but since he is frozen like a deer in headlights the disembodied voice comes in to save the day…>
Disembodied Voice: " That’s right people, call now and you too can be the center of you're own delusional universe if you call right now! Just get your credit card ready and dial 1-800-I-wish-I-was-Roy and we will rush you the complete I love me some me package for just $3.2 million a year for 5 years. if you call now we will even send you tickets to T.O.'s coming out party at ...
(choking sounds can be heard coming from the booth and Owens can be heard screaming "I love me some me!')
Well... and now back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery.
Ladies and gentlemen, hide the kids lock up the pets and get anyone who is easily offended out of the room. It is time once again for the worst of the worst to be called out by someone who matters even less to the players, owners and coaches in the NFL than their actual fans. It is time to cut the bull, shed the niceties and get real up in here as the kids say. I give you what all three of you have been waiting for...
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Raheem Morris
Ok, so before the season starts you fire the offensive coordinator. Result: 1-9. Now in an effort to 'get better' after 11 weeks of play you basically fire your defensive coordinator because the players didn't like the use of something other than a cover 2? I don’t know where to go with this at all. Gruden wasn't liked but the players never told the coach how to do his job on his watch. The question that management has to ask at the end of the year is simple: Is having the players not hate their coach worth being the Bucs of old?
- Cleveland Browns
Seriously people... Stafford is hurt and must sit out a play. That play just happens to be an un-timed down to end the game due to a defensive penalty. What does the great Mangenius do? If you said he sits back and watches an ice cold washed up Dante Culpepper throw a pick to give the Browns the win then you sir or ma'am are smarter than an NFL head coach, who makes millions of dollars a year. Good old Mr. Personality himself called a time out and basically begged Stafford to get back on the field. To make this a perfect ending, Satfford, who is a rookie and had a separated throwing shoulder, threw a strike over the middle to a tight end to win the game and send the Browns home losers. How does this guy get work as anything besides the dude who replaces the urinal cakes at the stadium?
- Pittsburgh Steelers
The Chiefs... the stinking ass Chiefs. The team that won the Super Bowl last year just lost to a 2 win team in a full rebuild mode. How did they do this you ask? By letting a washed up Chris Chambers catch a short slant and go 60 plus yards in OT to set up the game winning field goal. To add injury to insult Ben got his bell rung and back up Charlie Batch came in and broke his wrist. 8-8 is starting to look like a reality and the good news is 'we' can use the high draft pick on some o-line help.
- Denver Broncos
If winning cures all that ails then losing must be the disease and the Broncos are sick as hell. Rookie Knowshon Moreno has a horrible case of fumblitis and Brandon Marshall had this advice for him:
"Stop fumbling the ball motherf&*er!!"
Sound advice if I do say so myself from a true leader. What really drove the point home was the shove while he was sure a linebacker was there in case Moreno wanted to mix it up. Josh McDaniels excellent half time adjustments that held teams to just 10 second half points have given way to a team letting up 77 points in the second half in their last 4 games. The collapse is almost complete as they lost the division lead to the Chargers, but hey look at the bright side Denver; there is still time to finish under .500.
- Cincinnati Bungles
<A man in a Cincinnati Police Chief's uniform step up to a mic with 4 or 5 bored looking reporters in front of it>
"Ladies and gentleman it is my distinct pleasure to dispel the rumors of the untimely demise of the Bungles. There had been reports that they have been 'dispensed' of and left for dead in a dank corner of Paul Brown Stadium. In fact we have word that they not only aren't dead but are thriving out in Oakland as we speak. Thank you, no questions please."
Yup, you heard right. The Bengals beat the Steelers and Ravens twice and cruised to 7-2 and then went to Oakland and became the same old Bungles. 4 fumbles, including one inside the 5, one on a snap while Palmer was in mid audible and then one more on a kick off that sealed their fate. In true Bungles tradition with Cincy up 7 Carson threw a pick, the defense let up a td and then they fumble on the kick return in a tie game inside of one minute, and they did it while inside the 20 giving the kicker with biggest leg in the game a 33 yarder to finish the collapse. Thankfully for Cincy the next game is against the Browns and Bungles or no Bungles the Mangenius can out bumble anyone.
- New York Jets
Since I am at loss for words for this team in general, I will do this one in Hiaku form ( A nod to JTtheDude from the RCFU as this is his thing)...
Tears fall in locker room
Rookie is still a rookie
Trash talk for winners
P.S. THERE IS NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL!!!
Signed; Buddy Ryan.
- Chicago Bears
Jay Cutler is the savior of the Bears... right; and I'm the friggin’ Pope. Urlacher is out, Lovie looks spineless and that dude Ron Turner is about to be hiding out with Bartman. Maybe with their high first round pick they can draft a wide receiver... oh that’s right, they traded it for that interception machine they have for a qb. I tried to get an actual Bears fan to comment but they were all so drunk all I could understand was something about Neckbeard and where I could go stick my questions. Stay classy Chi-town!
That’s all I have time for this week. All comments Good, Bad and Ugly are welcome and can be sent here. You can also sign up for an email copy to be sent to you the moment that the GBU is published. As always, please remember that this is only my opinion and that and $101.25 will get you groceries for the ungrateful people that only come to your house on Thanksgiving. Tune in next week when we will hear Peyton Manning say:
"There's no need to fear, the GOAT is here!"
Hmm... Time for a new announcer... again. This is getting to be worse than Spinal Tap's drummer issues.
Thank you disembodied voice! At least I can be useful this holiday season, albeit in an unappetizing way. Week 11 has come and gone and we are fast approaching the do or die portion of the season, also know as the No Romo zone. Some teams are still making moves in hopes of at least playing spoiler while others are making plans for island getaways. The entire AFC North gagged their way to being swept this week and I am sad to report only one team lost to an opponent with a winning record. The Bears continued to show us who they really are, while the Saints and Colts stayed on the road to perfection.
We have some rookie of the year candidates making their presence known, though MR. Cushings lack of technique and failed attempt of a so called hit on Chris Johnson may have set him back some. Brett Favre is making all of us who doubted him look silly and he may cost Ted Thompson his job if he can make it to Tampa. The Cowboys are warming up for their struggle in December and right on cue the Bungles made the flight to Oakland and left the Bengals on the tarmac. The silence at the Jets HQ is only broken by tears and the Broncos are proving to everyone they don't need Jay or Shanahan to fall apart completely.
We have more than enough meat to go around, so grab your plates and get in the buffet line people, it's time to eat!!
The Good
- Miami Dolphins
No more Ronnie Brown? Ok by sticky Ricky. After starting 0-3 this team has crawled back into the AFC wildcard race at 5-5 and with teams like the Steelers, Ravens and Broncos showing signs of slipping they very well could gain access to the post season dance. A sober Ricky averaged 5.4 yards a carry and while he may not be as effective as Ronnie in the wildcat the cannon that Chad Henne carries around for a right arm should be able to help, that is if they can get someone to catch the ball.
- Indianapolis Colts
Ho hum, another week, another team afraid of the shadow cast by Peyton. Pretty soon he won't even have to play at all the way teams are cowering to him. Wait, I have yet another letter in my inbox from Mr. Manning, let's see what he has to say this week kiddies...
Dear NFL head coaches,
While I appreciate the respect you show me by throwing your game plan out the window and then driving the bus over your players and coaches by risking it all to 'go for the win', I wish you would at least let the defense try to stop me. I need some reps for the playoffs when I get to play teams who know they can win instead of just hoping for it. Let’s face it, you know I'm the greatest of all time and I know it too, but maybe that 2nd year db needs to be burned for a TD to shrink his head and make him a team player instead of thinking he is the next Neon Deion. I always want the win, but I am here to help too. So help me help you, ok?
Signed, you're Daddy;
#18
I had a chance to speak to an actual Colts fan, archer from www.virtualsportsnetwork.com and here is some of that interview:
GBU: Is Manning becoming so great that other teams are just afraid of the idea of him?
Archer: I don't know if he's that great lol but he does have a HUGE effect on how teams game plan v us. Teams milk the clock all day long to keep him off the field and then we have the famous BB "4th and 2" call all because he seemed scared of Manning driving 70 yards on his D for the win . It's nothing new but I do think that with the newer rules and such teams are more willing to take a risk instead of letting the game come down to Manning and other top QB’s v the D.
GBU : Is manning the GOAT or does he just benefit more from the new passing rules?
Archer : Manning BELONGS in the GOAT discussion without a doubt. It's hard to pick between guys of a different era but his body of work is simply amazing. Three MVPs and still contending for a fourth, 9 pro bowls, one super bowl ring, one super bowl MVP and four time all pro selection. Even though the newer rules are very qb friendly, it would be crazy to have a GOAT discussion without putting Manning's name into contention at the very least.
GBU: Fair enough. Does this team do this well this year if Dungy is till at the helm?
Archer: I don't know if we would be unbeaten but we would still be leading the South in my opinion. I think everybody was ready for a change and a "new spin" even if most of the theories have stayed the same under Caldwell. I also think Ron Meeks resigning from D/C was the best thing that has happened to the Colts in a LONG time.
GBU: Will the Colts go undefeated?
Archer: If we don't rest our players we will go undefeated into the post season yes. The playoffs are another story but I don't think it's crazy to think we could do it ... With a little bit of luck on our side we are totally capable of winning every game remaining including the post-season.
GBU: Do you think that if the Colts do go 19-0 that the '72 Dolphins will actually welcome them into the club instead of praying for their demise like they did to NE?
Archer: I think the '72 Phins want to stay as the only members of that club. They will welcome us if we do it but if we do go 16-0 they will be trying to put all sorts of jinxes on our post-season [and I] can't say I blame them either
GBU: Thanks for your time.
Archer: No problem.
- Detroit Lions
38 points, a last second win and a gutsy performance by a rookie QB. These my friends are not signs of a team on the decline. I dare say it but the Lions are moving in the right direction. Nice... it only took 20 years.
- Jacksonville Jaguars
This team couldn't find it is identity in the first few weeks of the season but it seems that someone has reminded them that no one can tackle that midget known as MJD. After being blown out by the Seahawks the Jags have won 4 of their last 5 and are in the driver’s seat for a wildcard spot. Besides games against the Colts and Pats the rest of the schedule looks winnable, but you know what they say about chickens before they hatch.
- Minnesota Favre's
Favre's too old, his arm is hurt and he is a waffler that is only out for himself... and his team is 9-1. While it is true he benefits from one on one match ups down field due to the beast in the back field known as Adrian 'All Day' Peterson he still has to make the throws and he is doing just that. The division is all but sewn up and all that is left is who will the Vikings meet in the playoffs first. Who knows, this might be Brett's year and we could see him pull an Elway in Tampa and go out on top.
- New Orleans Saints
Excuse me, but can someone tell me how the Saints are winning close games? Drew Brees is known for choking it out when the score is close, but with a real running game and a defense that can hold people to less than 85 points per game it seems as though the Saints have an actual football team. The Vikings versus Saints match up is what we all want but again, no counting chickens before they hatch. I caught up with DomePatrol, a die hard Saints fan who posts at www.vistrualsportsnetwork.com and here is some of what we talked about:
GBU: With the recent success of the saints in close games how do think the season will end for this team?
Domepatrol: Depends on if they continue the slow starts. Against teams like the Pats this week if we start slow it can be a long day. But we have also shown the drive and passion to pull out of these first half slumps. We will finish 15-1 possibly 14-2 if Dallas pulls out all the stops when they come into town.
GBU: Can this team beat the Vikings to make it to the super bowl? They both have a ton of weapons and even though Minnesota’s front seven is beastly, the Saints have a pretty good secondary...
GBU: We played the Vikings last year and almost pulled out the game despite having I think 5 TOs. We held AP to 37 rush yards so we proved we can stop their run game and with the addition of Mckenzie and Mcalister we can hold Favre down for a few drives that we could capitalize on. As far as their front seven drew Brees is one of the least sacked QBs the past three years we can slow them down but let’s face it there’s no stopping the mullet.
GBU: The mullet is exceptional... Do you have in the back of your mind Drew Brees's penchant for choking in big games?
Domepatrol: Well besides this past game against the Bucs he had I think 10 turnovers maybe it was 7 either way I was starting to wonder if the pressure was starting to get to him. I think it isn't all on him anymore though in the past if he would mess up then we would lose. Now if Drew is having a bad day just give it to PT or Bell, hell Reginald [Bush] looks like he is starting to learn that you run up the field and not side to side. Even the defense takes pressure off of him by holding teams to scores lower than 57.
GBU: Is Reggie Bush a bust?
Domepatrol: Depends on what you ask him to do; is he a fulltime RB... of course not. Is he a match up nightmare coming out in the flat? Hell yeah. I don’t know if anyone’s ever really asked what he was drafted for. I think he is a decent RB who still needs work but as far as his playmaker ability it's unrivaled. If a team blitzes and he gets into the open it only takes one guy to miss and then he's gone.
GBU: So is he a glorified slot wide receiver?
Domepatrol: Well this season he was improving so I'll say slot receiver finally learning what running north and south means.
GBU: What do feel the keys for winning the against the Patriots this Monday night?
Domepatrol: Keys for the pats game well... Greg Williams loves his blitzes so I think we can come out blitzing and hope we reach Brady before he throws one to Moss streaking down field or Welker doing a slant and making a guy miss. Sharper will probably help out with [Randy] Moss by sitting in the middle. As far as offense I think we can handle their secondary. ESPN was saying how much they have improved but Peyton [Manning] tore them up and Meriweathers' picks have come against the Bucs [Josh] Johnson and [the Jets Mark] Sanchez who looks like ass now. I still think they are vulnerable back there.
GBU: Thanks for your time.
Domepatrol: No problem, anytime.
- New York Giants
It took overtime against a strug-aling Falcons squad to get that win? You're in the good for getting off the schnide, but you better get it together quick or the overrated cries for Eli will get loud fast.
- Kansas City Chiefs
How do you validate a rebuilding year? Easy, beat the defending super bowl champs in overtime after losing the coin toss. The Chiefs didn't play great, but they played at a slightly lesser dergree of suck-a-tude than the Steelers. A win is a win after all style points mean jack in the NFL.
- Green Bay Packers
Despite letting a team with no offense come back from a 23-3 half time deficit the Packer somehow managed to hold on for the win. At 6-4 they have a good shot at a wildcard spot since beating the Vikings for the division is out of reach. QB Aaron Rodgers not only posted a plus 300 passing day with 2 td's and no picks but he was able to shove his 'success' into the face of the team that took Alex Smith instead of him. Mr. Rodgers was also not sacked once in this game which I am sure is relief since being sacked more tha David Carr in the past few weeks. This Packers team is not great, but they don’t suck either. The bad news is linebacker Aaron Kampman and cornerback Al Harris were both carted off the field with knee injuries and as of this writing NFL.com reports they will both be out for the season.
- San Diego Chargers
Ok, what is the number one sign that it is mid to late November?
(Choose one)
1. The leaves are falling off of trees and the sun goes down before 7 pm.
2. Turkeys everywhere are dressing up as possums and praying for a Turkey flu outbreak.
3. The Chargers have over come a slow start to catch and pass their hated rivals the Broncos and take the division lead.
If you chose anything other than 3 stop reading the GBU now and go pick up a Cosmo and get your nails done fruity. I am sad to report to all the Powder Blue faithful that were sure Norv was done for in San Diego that the slow start has hit again. AJ Smith sets his watch by this junk and counts his cash by the light coming from the flames of the Broncos going down in flames once again. I still hate Rivers and Merriman is a roid junky, but even leading a division in the West is leading a division.
- New England Patriots
What’s the cure for possibly the worst 4th down call against the best quarterback in the NFL today? Play a team with an over confident rookie and a head coach who talks a good game but cries an even better one. The Pats still have not lost back to back games since 2007. Oddly enough the last two games they lost back to back were against the Colts and Jets. This time, not so much. Saints are coming to town next and I bet you anything you want Bellicheat isn't afraid of Drew either.
- Tennessee Titans
So... V.Y. isn't done like dinner just yet I guess. This win is 4 in a row for the Titans and 8 in a row for Vince in the regular season (only Peyton manning and Drew Brees hold longer streaks) and with that monster speed demon Chris Johnson on pace to rush for about 3 million yards who knows what this team could have done if they just went with Young instead of Grandpa Collins. Add to this newly found confidence of V.Y. the installation of the spread option and you have a formula for success, until the other coaches put in the d to stuff it anyways. Teams now have to force Vince to win the game and for now he is doing just that. Jeff Fisher is safe again, for now.
- Oakland Raiders
I hate the Raiders, and I hate to do this but...
(This one is for you Mike...)
Dear Oakland,
I am writing to thank you for benching that idiot Jamarcus Russell in time to bring the Bungles back to earth. Their recent success against the Steelers and Ravens has made them even more unbearable than usual and since you suck year in and year out (though the last time we played you won) we all knew the Bungles would overlook you. Bruce looked great and even that drunken kicker Janokowski couldn't miss that field goal. I pray for Al's death right along with Raider nation today to show my gratitude for the Silver and Black.
Best of luck against everyone except us,
Sincerely;
Steeljake.
While I take a moment to puke my guts out, pleas enjoy this soothing musical selection:
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2PBlAKFsfc&feature=related"]YouTube- Broadcast Yourself.[/ame]
And now back to our regularly scheduled asshattery...
The Bad
- Baltimore Ravens
Guess who else is afraid of Peyton Manning? I will give you a hint; his first name starts with John and his last name sounds like Harbaugh. Yes he is related to the Coach Harbaugh that called the 4th and 22 play at Stanford as well. Coincidence? I think not. What happened to this team? For ten years they have been intimidating on defense and played with a growl and now it sounds more like a whimpering meow. The new defensive coordinator must not have seen the film on how they have won all those games. The blitz is long forgotten in Baltimore and while opposing qb's are happy, Ray Ray isn’t and it won't be long before he tell us all just how he feels.
- Washington Redskins
A powerless head coach and a worthless offense and still one play away from beating the Cowboys. Your reward for that 'moral' victory? You get to be in the Bad instead of the Uggo's. Take Tuesday off on me fellas.
- Atlanta Falcons
Can you say sophomore slump? Ryan either isn’t the GOAT or maybe he is a little overrated or better yet... he is a 2nd year qb in the NFL and people have film on him. Add to that a strug-a-ling running game, now with injuries for added suckiness, and a young defense and what we have here is an 8-8 team. The real test is how they finish the year; will they fight or will they lie down and just plan their island golf trips?
- San Francisco 49ers
For the record I still love Mike Singletary. However, no amount of pulling your pants down or brilliant speeches about heart and work ethic will fix that offense. 24th in rushing and 23rd in passing is what we call in the biz strug-a-ling. They are set up decently on defense and if they can land Mcnabb in the off-season without killing their draft they might be OK... in 2011.
- Dallas Cowboys
Yea yea, I know they won. But a last second td against a team as bad as the Skins is never going to get you into the good. Maybe Romo is just getting into December mode early this year. Hate away haters.
- St. Louis Rams
OK, they are out of the Ugly these days since they aren't being blown off the field but when you take out Warner and get the second worst bust in the last 5 years at QB and can't get a win you suck. Not as bad as normal, but still a degree of suck-a-tude.
And now for a word from our sponsor; The Terrell Owens School for being thankful.
<the scene opens with an obviously shaken man dressed in a suit and tie standing next to T.O. dressed smartly in a 'I love Me some Me' skin tight shirt.>
Scurred dude: Are you a millionaire spoiled brat athlete who is overrated and over paid? Do you have trouble coming up with things to be thankful for during the Holidays? Well, fear not young bling blingers, T.O.'s sure fire method of self praise and uber conceit will have you being thankful for you as much as the fans for the team you aren't on are. Here he is now to show you how to love yourself...
T.O.: Huh? I am supposed to say something now? Ok... Umm... I am the greatest wide out to ever play the game and I made Donovan McNabb and Tony Romo into superstars. People love to hate what they wish they could be and I am all that and a bag of fat free chips. If they only knew how awesome I really am I would already be in the HoF and Dallas would have never cut me for Roy Williams. How can you not love me? I mean LOOK AT ME!!!!!"
Really scurred dude: "Umm... ok Mr. Owens... thanks I think...
<In his ear the producer is screaming at him to wrap this train wreck up but since he is frozen like a deer in headlights the disembodied voice comes in to save the day…>
Disembodied Voice: " That’s right people, call now and you too can be the center of you're own delusional universe if you call right now! Just get your credit card ready and dial 1-800-I-wish-I-was-Roy and we will rush you the complete I love me some me package for just $3.2 million a year for 5 years. if you call now we will even send you tickets to T.O.'s coming out party at ...
(choking sounds can be heard coming from the booth and Owens can be heard screaming "I love me some me!')
Well... and now back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery.
Ladies and gentlemen, hide the kids lock up the pets and get anyone who is easily offended out of the room. It is time once again for the worst of the worst to be called out by someone who matters even less to the players, owners and coaches in the NFL than their actual fans. It is time to cut the bull, shed the niceties and get real up in here as the kids say. I give you what all three of you have been waiting for...
The UGLY
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Raheem Morris
Ok, so before the season starts you fire the offensive coordinator. Result: 1-9. Now in an effort to 'get better' after 11 weeks of play you basically fire your defensive coordinator because the players didn't like the use of something other than a cover 2? I don’t know where to go with this at all. Gruden wasn't liked but the players never told the coach how to do his job on his watch. The question that management has to ask at the end of the year is simple: Is having the players not hate their coach worth being the Bucs of old?
- Cleveland Browns
Seriously people... Stafford is hurt and must sit out a play. That play just happens to be an un-timed down to end the game due to a defensive penalty. What does the great Mangenius do? If you said he sits back and watches an ice cold washed up Dante Culpepper throw a pick to give the Browns the win then you sir or ma'am are smarter than an NFL head coach, who makes millions of dollars a year. Good old Mr. Personality himself called a time out and basically begged Stafford to get back on the field. To make this a perfect ending, Satfford, who is a rookie and had a separated throwing shoulder, threw a strike over the middle to a tight end to win the game and send the Browns home losers. How does this guy get work as anything besides the dude who replaces the urinal cakes at the stadium?
- Pittsburgh Steelers
The Chiefs... the stinking ass Chiefs. The team that won the Super Bowl last year just lost to a 2 win team in a full rebuild mode. How did they do this you ask? By letting a washed up Chris Chambers catch a short slant and go 60 plus yards in OT to set up the game winning field goal. To add injury to insult Ben got his bell rung and back up Charlie Batch came in and broke his wrist. 8-8 is starting to look like a reality and the good news is 'we' can use the high draft pick on some o-line help.
- Denver Broncos
If winning cures all that ails then losing must be the disease and the Broncos are sick as hell. Rookie Knowshon Moreno has a horrible case of fumblitis and Brandon Marshall had this advice for him:
"Stop fumbling the ball motherf&*er!!"
Sound advice if I do say so myself from a true leader. What really drove the point home was the shove while he was sure a linebacker was there in case Moreno wanted to mix it up. Josh McDaniels excellent half time adjustments that held teams to just 10 second half points have given way to a team letting up 77 points in the second half in their last 4 games. The collapse is almost complete as they lost the division lead to the Chargers, but hey look at the bright side Denver; there is still time to finish under .500.
- Cincinnati Bungles
<A man in a Cincinnati Police Chief's uniform step up to a mic with 4 or 5 bored looking reporters in front of it>
"Ladies and gentleman it is my distinct pleasure to dispel the rumors of the untimely demise of the Bungles. There had been reports that they have been 'dispensed' of and left for dead in a dank corner of Paul Brown Stadium. In fact we have word that they not only aren't dead but are thriving out in Oakland as we speak. Thank you, no questions please."
Yup, you heard right. The Bengals beat the Steelers and Ravens twice and cruised to 7-2 and then went to Oakland and became the same old Bungles. 4 fumbles, including one inside the 5, one on a snap while Palmer was in mid audible and then one more on a kick off that sealed their fate. In true Bungles tradition with Cincy up 7 Carson threw a pick, the defense let up a td and then they fumble on the kick return in a tie game inside of one minute, and they did it while inside the 20 giving the kicker with biggest leg in the game a 33 yarder to finish the collapse. Thankfully for Cincy the next game is against the Browns and Bungles or no Bungles the Mangenius can out bumble anyone.
- New York Jets
Since I am at loss for words for this team in general, I will do this one in Hiaku form ( A nod to JTtheDude from the RCFU as this is his thing)...
Tears fall in locker room
Rookie is still a rookie
Trash talk for winners
P.S. THERE IS NO CRYING IN FOOTBALL!!!
Signed; Buddy Ryan.
- Chicago Bears
Jay Cutler is the savior of the Bears... right; and I'm the friggin’ Pope. Urlacher is out, Lovie looks spineless and that dude Ron Turner is about to be hiding out with Bartman. Maybe with their high first round pick they can draft a wide receiver... oh that’s right, they traded it for that interception machine they have for a qb. I tried to get an actual Bears fan to comment but they were all so drunk all I could understand was something about Neckbeard and where I could go stick my questions. Stay classy Chi-town!
That’s all I have time for this week. All comments Good, Bad and Ugly are welcome and can be sent here. You can also sign up for an email copy to be sent to you the moment that the GBU is published. As always, please remember that this is only my opinion and that and $101.25 will get you groceries for the ungrateful people that only come to your house on Thanksgiving. Tune in next week when we will hear Peyton Manning say:
"There's no need to fear, the GOAT is here!"
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