Palooza's Top 125 Films of 2012

[Goober]

I watched a crappy camera rip of Casa de mi padre. It wasn't very good. I enjoyed Nick Offerman's scenes though.

[Palooza]

I watched a crappy camera rip of Casa de mi padre. It wasn't very good. I enjoyed Nick Offerman's scenes though.

Pretty much why I didn't see it. When I was interested in it, there were only shitty versions and I wasn't gunna pay to see it and by the time normal versions came out I had better shit to see like the four movies listed above

Also - you will be waiting a while for TDKR, but I'm sure you knew that.

[Palooza]

121. About Cherry

Ashley Hinshaw, James Franco, Dev Patel, Heather Graham, Lili Taylor, Jonny Weston, Maya Raines

Director(s) - Stephen Elliot
Writer(s) - Stephen Elliot, Lorelei Lee
Source Material - none
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - September 21
Runtime - 1 hour, 42 minutes
RT Score - 11%
Metacritic - 33/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - None
Review - This isn't Boogie Nights. This is the opposite of that. Instead of an awesome 70's setting we get present day San Francisco. It's essentially the same from the bottom up story about a girl named Angelina/Cherry (Ashley Hinshaw) who is obviously hot, but she's poor and uneducated. As the joke's punchline goes - why don't you do porn!? She does. She moves to San Francisco with her friend zoned, potentially gay and not-millionaire Dev Patel after she makes a good deal of money taking nudey pictures. There she breaks into the business and meets James Franco's coked up lawyer and porn director/lesbian, Heather Graham. James Franco does the classic i love you baby but I won't be around to meet your alcoholic mom (Lili Taylor) and your sister who is the only person you care about even though you abandoned her. Mom cons her out of some money, Franco is a dick and Dev gets mad when he sees her pornos, they "break up" their friendship and somehow Cherry winds up in a lesbian relationship with Heather Graham and they're both porno directors. That's the movie. Happiness.

There is no stance on porn, is it good? Is it bad? Is it ruining our youth? Is it just sex on film? The movie doesn't care to tell you, it just wants to tell you this really basic and boring story of Cherry. Speaking of which, she's not the best actress but she is pretty smoking. From what I remember she is in another film on this list (Chronicle) and I remember thinking wow I wanna see her boobies and maybe stick it in her. Well, we get half that here and it does not disappoint. She looks great being all hot and naked and seductive. Her acting is subpar, but we can get over that. It's not overly raunchy or anything though and this movie falls on its face when trying to deliver to male audience. I understand you want it to be much more than softcore porn, but learn how to write a script before that is your goal.

This movie sucks outside of Hinshaw's boobies. I recommend using google instead of watching this piece of garbage.
Spoiler Alert - The best porn stars become porn directors or sumshit.
Rating - F

[Palooza]

120. House at the End of the Street

Jennifer Lawrence, Elisabeth Shue, Max Theriot, Gil Bellows, Eva Link, Nolan Gerard Funk

Director(s) - Mark Tonderal
Writer(s) - Dave Louka, Jonathan Mostow
Source Material - none
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - September 21
Runtime - 1 hour, 41 minutes
RT Score - 11%
Metacritic - 31/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Honey, sometimes people can't be fixed" - Replace "people" with "movies".
Review - This movie never stood a chance. Awful title, half-assed story, corny and predictable. There is, of course, one saving grace and that's Jennifer Lawrence, who is MUCH better than shit like this. To be fair, IIRC she made this before she became a real star and it was so horrible it just kept getting pushed back.

So Jennifer Lawrence and her mom (Elisabeth Shue) move into this house that is super cheap because the people next door were murdered by their daughter who disappeared after the murders. Only resident of the home is the son, Ryan (Max Theriot) who wasn't around when the murders took place or something. Well, Elissa (Lawrence) strikes up a friendship with him, at the behest of her mother and the local asshole who wants to fuck her. Well everyone makes Ryan really mad and we find out that his sister is still living in the house with him. EXCEPT SHE'S NOT! He kidnaps girls and makes them pretend to be his sister and then he kills them and he continues on this pattern. SOME TIME AND SUSPENSE LATER Jennifer Lawrence kills him, I think. Whatever, the good guys win in classic shitty horror movie fashion. No scares, no gore, no real anything. This movie has no real substance I don't know why it exists, much like the other movies so far on this list.

This is everything that could be wrong with making a movie in the "horror" genre - Shitty titles, PG-13!, weak cast, unbelievable/two-faced villain, etc, etc. Jennifer Lawrence's ass in Silver Linings Playbook made up for this garbage.
Spoiler Alert - He's a psycho, but we got him.
Rating - F

[Palooza]

I say garbage a lot.

[Palooza]

119. Piranha 3DD

Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Katrina Bowden, David Koechner, Christopher Lloyd, Chris Zylka, Gary Busey, David Hassekhoff, Paul Sheer, Ving Rhames

Director(s) - John Gulager
Writer(s) - Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan, Jon Soisson
Source Material/Connections - Sequel to the Remake from 2010
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - June 1
Runtime - 1 hour, 22 minutes
RT Score - 13%
Metacritic - 24/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!"
Review - We'll make this one quick - This is worse than the first one, but not as funny or spoofy or tongue-in-cheek-y. They tried too hard and failed miserably. Not even Hasselhoff or Gary Busey could save this one... NEXT!!
Spoiler Alert - People get eaten by Piranhas.
Rating - F

[dell71]

Piranha 3DD was so so sooooo much worse than the first one. Like you said, that one is funny, spoofy and tongue-in-cheek-y. It's bad but in an enjoyable way. 3DD is just complete shit. That might be my absolute worst of the year.

BTW, can't recall ever hearing of About Cherry. I'm glad.

[Palooza]

118. Resident Evil - Retribution

Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, Michelle Rodriguez, Aryana Engineer, Johann Urb, Kevin Durand, Li Bingbing, Boris Kodjoe, Oded Fehr, Colin Salmon, Shawn Roberts, Mika Nakashima

Director(s) - Paul W. S. Anderson
Writer(s) - Paul W. S. Anderson
Source Material/Connections - #5 in the Resident Evil series.
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - September 14
Runtime - 1 hour 35 minutes
RT Score - 31%
Metacritic - 39/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "I became different. Powerful. Unstoppable. As I got stronger, the human race became weaker." Replace 'human race' with 'franchise'.
Review - My low expectations were met. It was fun to have seen characters from the other movies, but they're nobodies so you know it's a cash grab not a passion for the project. Paul W.S. Anderson is supposedly the guy with the passion for converting video games into movies, but these movies have just gotten pathetic at this point. Alice is unstoppable, everyone else doesn't matter because they will just introduce something new or just kink something from the old ones to fit their mold. I understand why the REAL Paul Anderson has to go by PT just to not be confused with this fucking guy.

Unless you are a huge Resident Evil fan, this is not worth your time.
Spoiler Alert - Maybe the next (and potentially final) one will the fun one.
Rating - F

[Palooza]

117. High School

Matt Bush, Sean Marquette, Adrien Brody, Michael Chiklis, Colin Hanks, Mykelti Williamson

Director(s) - John Stalberg
Writer(s) - John Stalberg, Erik Linhorst, Stephen Susco
Source Material/Connections - none
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - June 1, 2012
Runtime - 1 hour 33 minutes
RT Score - 27%
Metacritic - 31/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "What?"
Review - This movie was made years ago, but just got a tiny release in 2012, hit shelves in September. There's a reason for that. It's fucking awful. Matt Bush is a smartypants who is trying to go to Big Name School and Sean Marquette, who is Chris Marquette's fat, retarded younger brother in real life, plays the i-think-I'm-cool-but-really-I'm-a-loser, stoner, I-don't-give-a-fuck guy. OH wait, you don't know who Chris Marquette is?! He is a legendary actor of the mid-2000's with roles such as fake-Eli Roth in The Girl Next Door (The fuck her for me guy) and the dude who unwillingly aids and abets Timberlake, Shawn Hatosy and Emile Hirsch in Alpha Dog. Well, yeah this isn't him this is his fat, retarded younger brother. Well these two get high together because fatty manipulates smartypants and now they're high as shit. Turns out, we gotta take a drug test tomorrow! THE WHOLE SCHOOL! But smartypants needs to go to fucking college, bro! How do we figure out a way to not get smartypants in trouble?! Get everyone high! THE WHOLE SCHOOL! But-but-but how will we ever get enough weed to make brownies for THE WHOLE SCHOOL!? I know! We'll steal kief from this pyschotic drug dealer (Adrien Brody) whose name is even "Psycho Ed" so you know he's crazy! His right hand man is Paranoid (Mykelti Williamson) and if you ask him why he's named that he will certainly ask you "Why you wanna know!?" Oh, hahahaha! Too perfect. Well played. Fuck you. Carrying on, they make the brownies, everyone is stoned off their ass, Psycho Ed comes looking for his shit, mayhem ensues and everyone blames it on the uptight Dean (Michael Chiklis) and the lame Assistant Dean (Colin Hanks).

Adrien Brody, I hope 2010 was rock bottom for you because this movie makes me lose a ton of respect for you. Maybe you'll redeem yourself later on in the list.
Spoiler Alert - People get high. Mayhem ensues.
Rating - F

[Palooza]

116. The Babymakers

Paul Schneider, Olivia Munn, Kevin Heffernan, Nat Faxon, Wood Harris, Jay Chandrasekhar, Aisha Tyler, M.C. Gainey

Director(s) - Jay Chandrasekhar
Writer(s) - Peter Gaulke, Gerry Swallow
Source Material/Connections - none
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - August 3
Runtime - 1 hour 33 minutes
RT Score - 8%
Metacritic - 30/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Are you talking about robbing a sperm bank?"
Review - This movie has so many things wrong with it. This movie can be confused as another lame, boring attempt at comedy by the Farrelly brothers Instead, it's another lame, boring attempt at comedy from Broken Lizard leader, Jay Chandrasekhar. The film follows normal guy (Paul Schneider) and his hot wife (Olivia Munn) as they try to have a baby! It turns out, though, that normal guys sperm is a little on the weak side, so he can't knock her up. He knows this can't be true because he donated sperm years ago! He enlists his pals (Kevin Heffernan, Oscar winner Nat Faxon) and an Indian mobster (Jay Chandrasekhar) to help rob the sperm donation center where he once spilled his seed. I must add, I did get a bit of a kick out of the part when normal guy asks his friends to help him and black friend (Wood Harris) gets into his car and bails. This is what I should have done /Ebert. But I stayed and oh! it was a shaaame! Yeah so raunchy mayhem ensues and the good guys win and everyone is happy and blah blah fucking blah.

This movie is raunchy for the sake of being raunchy and then it's sweet and lame during the normal guy/hot girl relationship to keep it from going too far over the edge but it makes the movie seem fake and just bullshit. Movie sucks, Broken Lizard pretty much sucks even though they didn't write it. Super Troopers 2 will be exactly as awful as Boondock Saints II.
Spoiler Alert - Happiness, of course
Rating - F

[NAHSTE]

Broken Lizard pretty much sucks

I hate you.

[Palooza]

I hate you.

Dude, have you seen the Slammin Salmon?

[A Tasty Burgerr]

Its easy to forget how completely shit most of the movies that are made are.

[Buzzman]

Im surprised I saw only 3 of these so far.

[Palooza]

115. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Anthony Mackie, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Rufus Sewell, Jimmi Simpson, Marton Csonkas, Alan Tudyk

Director(s) - Timur Bekmambetov
Writer(s) - Seth Grahame-Smith
Source Material/Connections - Based on the 2010 novel of the same name by Seth Grahame-Smith.
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - June 22
Runtime - 1 hour 45 minutes
RT Score - 35%
Metacritic - 42/100
Views - 1
Viewed - In theaters/3D
Quote - "Do you really want the truth, Mary?... Each and every night I go out... hunting vampires.... With an axe... a special silver axe, of course."
Review - This movie had serious sleeper potential. A ridiculous concept can go a long way, especially with a genre film like this. This could have been an awesome shut-your-brain-off B movie with some gratuitous violence and some cool tongue-in-cheek, self-aware humor. This is not what it turned out to be. This movie took itself entirely too seriously and the people involved with this film seemed to be the only people not in on the joke. It's hard to place the blame on one person, but the fact that Seth Grahame-Smith wrote the novel this is based on in addition to the screenplay seems as though he may be the true butt of the joke, taking this subject much more seriously than it deserves, it's Abe Lincoln fighting vampires for christ sake.

The acting is pretty horrendous as well with Liam Neeson/Eric Bana looking dude as Abe Lincoln, Bucky Barnes as the dude who teaches him the way of the axe, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Young Sally Field, Rufus Sewell as "da bad guy" all pretty damn incompetent.

Good idea for a ridiculous summer movie, piss poor execution.

edit - Thanks to Matt, he reminded me of the Party Down version of this film. Seriously no Breckin Meyer in this one? Or Henry Pollard? For shame. That episode gave us one of the funniest lines in the history of television - "No Nigger Soup"
Spoiler Alert - Lincoln is assassinated by John Wilkes Boothe
Rating - F