Palooza's Top 125 Films of 2012

[Buzzman]

Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Young Sally Field

[Palooza]

114. The Watch

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Rosemarie DeWitt, Richard Ayoade, Will Forte, Mel Rodriguez, R. Lee Ermey, Nicholas Braun, Billy Crudup, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg

Director(s) - Akiva Schaffer
Writer(s) - Jared Stern, Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg
Source Material/Connections - none
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - July 27
Runtime - 1 hour, 42 minutes
RT Score - 17%
Metacritic - 36/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Bob this is the shits." "It's just shit." "This, is just shit."
Review - What a mess. Let's take everything that sucks about Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill and let's throw it all into one movie! This films greatest accomplishment is trying so hard to be raunchy but in turn was actually extremely corny. Ben Stiller easily slips into the generic guy with feminine qualities while Vince Vaughn puts on his best Four Christmases/Couples Retreat face and screams the most obnoxious things he can think of all the while drinking a beer in his mancave, because he's a cool dude who just wants to have some fun. Jonah Hill takes his character from 21 Jump Street, morphs into Channing Tatum's character but replaces the humor with his work in The Sitter. That's essentially his character. Still with me? Well these three and this English dude (Richard Ayoade), who is more well known for his writing/directing here in the States having made 2011's Submarine and being the director behind the great Pulp Fiction themed Birthday Party episode of Community, "Critical Film Studies" (also know as "My Dinner with Abed") decide to start a neighborhood watch because some dude got killed in the Costco that Stiller works at. This neighborhood watch thing has them stumble on aliens and shit. It is now their duty to save the world one shitty raunchy joke at a time. Rosemarie DeWitt plays Stiller's neglected wife (closet homo for sho) and she is really MILF-y, she deserves better than Ben Stiller's lame-ass. Billy Crudup is Stiller's creepy neighbor who is totally into him but in an alien-like way but it turns out he actually just wants him to join in on his orgy, which Ayoade jumps in on, not to be seen from again until we need him. What a sloppy piece of shit.

Director Avika Schaeffer, of the Lonely Island fame, has only one other film under his belt - 2007's Hot Rod, a monumental piece of shit, which I know some people like but that is ridiculous. That movie is awful and so is this one. I'm not much of a fan of The Lonely Island to begin with, so I don't mind seeing them fail. This movie is an embarrassment to all involved, even Ben Stiller.
Spoiler Alert - One of them is an alien but he helps save the day thanks to an orgy.
Rating - F

[Palooza]

113. American Reunion

Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Chris Klein, Mena Suvari, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Eugene Levy, Jennifer Coolidge, Tara Reid, John Cho, Katrina Bowden, Dania Ramirez, Jay Harrington, Ali Corbin, Natasha Lyonne, Shannon Elizabeth, Rebecca DeMornay, Chris Owen

Director(s) - Jon Hurwitz , Hayden Schlossberg
Writer(s) - Adam Herz, Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg
Source Material/Connections - The fourth theatrically released American Pie
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - April 6
Runtime - 1 hour, 50 minutes
RT Score - 44%
Metacritic - 49/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "They splashed us, soooo...." Replace 'splash' with 'paid'.
Review - I'm sure it felt real good for all the has-beens this film is filled with to be in the spotlight once again, but what a mistake the final product is. It's the plot of every American Pie except now all the characters are creepy grown ups. Every gag is tired and can be seen from miles away. Biggs continues to do his best Ben Stiller, which is just plain awful, Stiffler's raunchy douchebaggery is as over the top as its ever been and it barely works here at all. Finch is of course some smug Euro-trash wannabe, but it turns out... he's a fraud! dun dun dun! He lies to his friends because he's embarrassed he's doing nothing with his life. It doesn't matter, HAPPY ENDING BRO! You get Dania Ramirez because she used to be fat and has low self esteem and she likes you for who you are not your job! Oh of course I forgot - LOL Chris Klein. Just... lol. Not in a good way.

It's horribly unfortunate that Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg are behind this mess of a film because I highly () enjoyed the Harold and Kumar franchise. It's a combination of the stale, overused jokes, a poor attempt at baiting audiences into nostalgia and a cast of has-beens that kills this movie. Hopefully this is the nail in the coffin for these douchebags.
Spoiler Alert - Tara Reid is alive.
Rating - F

[Palooza]

112. Lola Versus

Greta Gerwig, Joel Kinnaman, Zoe Lister Jones, Hamish Linklater, Bill Pullman, Debra Winger

Director(s) - Daryl Wein
Writer(s) - Daryl Wein
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - June 8
Runtime - 1 hour, 29 minutes.
RT Score - 34%
Metacritic - 39/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "I'm slutty, but I'm a good person."
Review - How many coming of age, girl in a big city, romantic comedy tropes can you fit into one movie? SOMEONE CALL GUINNES, I THINK THIS FILM HAS THE RECORD. Seriously, everything in this movie is a tired cliche we've seen over and over and over. And that's mpt even the worst part. The worst part is how Greta Gerwig embodies everything that men hate about women. She's nagging, obnoxious, doesn't know what she wants, clingy, stupid, not sexy, etc etc etc.

The whorish best friend with all the advice is the only part I could stand in the movie. She's obnoxious and foul mouthed, but I can dig an attractive girl who is awkwardly sexual all the time. However, I found out she wrote this horrible piece of shit so she can go die in a fire. Joel Kinnaman, too, go ruin your career with another season of the Killing.

Seriously, not even President Whitmore could save this one. I hope all the characters die in an alien invasion, they deserve miserable deaths.
Spoiler Alert - Bitches runnin' wild.
Rating - F

[Palooza]

111. Chernobyl Diaries

Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski, Devin Kelley, Olivia Taylor Dudley, Nathan Phillips, Ingrid Bolso Berdal, Dimitri Diatchenko

Director(s) - Bradley Parker
Writer(s) - Oren Peli, Carey Van Dyke, Shane Van Dyke, Martin Solibakke
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - May 25, 2012
Runtime - 1 hour, 26 minutes
RT Score - 20%
Metacritic - 32/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "My friends are idiots"
Review - I don't even remember anything about this movie I just know it's classic cliche euro tourism gone bad brought to you by the asshole who created Paranormal Activity. Avoid at all costs
Spoiler Alert - Don't fuck with Eastern Europe, Americans.
Rating - F

[Villain]

Everything I say is garbage.

[Palooza]

110. The Raven

John Cusack, Alice Eve, Luke Evans, Brendan Gleeson, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Kevin McNally, Sam Hazeldine, Pam Ferris, John Warnaby

Director(s) - James McTeigue
Writer(s) - Ben Livingston, Hannah Shakespeare
Source Material/Connections - based on history.. with a twist!
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - April 27
Runtime - 1 hour, 50 minutes
RT Score - 22%
Metacritic - 44/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "You are referring to one of my stories. A work of fiction!"
Review - Someone is using Edgar Allan Poe's gruesome stories as an inspiration for murder and it's up to Poe himself (John Cusack) to stop him. This more paint-by-numbers, cliched bullshit. I'm pretty sure most of the writers in Hollywood are just the manatees from South Park's Cartoon Wars episodes. Speaking of writers, is there anything more annoying than an Edgar Allan Poe movie written by someone who has the last name "Shakespeare"? Not even sure if that's her real last name but that's just so obnoxious. She's a nobody and someone at the studio was probably just trying to be cute.

And of course our biggest problem is John Cusack. Seeing him as a sensationalized Edgar Allan Poe is just an absolute joke, but also absolutely perfect for such a lame movie like this. He is exactly the type of mid-level actor that would headline such a dud, he's a safe choice for mediocrity. Me personally though? I hate his fucking guts and can only stand a handful of his movies. I knew I was gunna hate this one and hate-watch it I did. The sensationalism of Poe is pathetic in and of itself but the filmmakers even have enough balls as to suggest that the killer actually winds up poisoning Poe, allowing the killer to get away. HOWEVA, Poe stumbles onto a park bench, tells some random person to tell Poe's partner throughout the film (Luke Evans). Killer is on a train in England about to do the same to Jules Verne and he's all la dee da life is good but BAM partner, bang, credits. Oh spoiler alert. Also Alice Eve is who Poe was actually in love with and she wasn't 12. I'm gunna give Brendan Gleeson a pass on this one.

Also - on imdb it has "People who liked this movie also liked..." This first of this movie's suggestions is - Man on a Ledge! That is all that needs to be said. If you liked Man on a Ledge you probably also loved this! And every movie on the list so far.
Spoiler Alert - Edgar Allan Poe is dead.
Rating - F

[Cornelius]

Wow, some real crapfests to round out your list.

[Palooza]

109. Hit & Run

Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Bradley Cooper, Tom Arnold, Kristen Chenoweth, Beau Bridges, Joy Bryant, Ryan Hansen, David Koechner, Michael Rosenbaum

Director(s) - David Palmer, Dax Shepard
Writer(s) - Dax Shepard
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - August 22
Runtime - 1 hour, 40 minutes
RT Score - 48%
Metacritic - 50/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - Dax has the corniest little omg everything is gunna be okay speech that I will not repeat.
Review - Dax Shepard's self indulgent ode to his two loves - cars and Kristen Bell. And for that reason, this movie should not even exist. There's no passion for filmmaking just for Dax Shepard to suck his own dick, but he's sucking his own dick so she doesn't have to. It's love man. Hollywood love. *fartnoise* The "plot" is that Dax Shepard is in witness protection because he snitched on his friend (Bradley Cooper). He lies to Kristen Bell, but she forgives him because they are going on a road trip of love.. and to get away from newly released from prison Cooper and Bell's ex (Michael Rosenbaum). Oh. I forgot - the Marshall who oversees Shepard's case is none other than Tom Arnold. They put him through hell in this movie and it's all for naught because it's embarrassing and pathetic, not funny. I only laughed one time throughout this entire movie and that was when Bradley Cooper was talking about getting buttraped in prison. Also Tom Arnold is gay.
Spoiler Alert - Love conquers all.
Rating - F

[Palooza]

Wow, some real crapfests to round out your list.

still a bunch more to go.

and a heavy amount of mediocrity.

[Palooza]

108. The Dictator

Sacha Baron Cohen, Anna Faris, Ben Kingsley, Jason Mantzoukas, John C. Reilly, Bobby Lee, Sayed Badreyah, Fred Armisen, Mark Campbell, Edward Norton, Megan Fox, Garry Schandling, Chris Parnell

Director(s) - Larry Charles
Writer(s) - Sacha Baron Cohen, Alec Berg, David Mandel, Jeff Schaffer
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - May 16
Runtime - 1 hour, 23 minutes
RT Score - 58%
Metacritic - 58/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Give a man a vagina and he will shpichs for a day. Teach a man to use his hand as a vagina, and he will shpichs for a lifetime."
Review - I LOVE LOVE LOVE Da Ali G Show. I thought Ali G inda House was pretty bad, Borat was overrated but still pretty funny, Bruno was extremely difficult to watch. That's where I stand on Sacha Baron Cohen and I will proclaim that everything I loved about him is gone. This movie isn't smart at all, it's embarrassing (in the wrong way for Cohen), crude, obnoxious and especially dumb. The jokes are dumbed down for an Adam Sandler audience. This honestly feels like a Sandler vehicle. At least Sandler was always destined for catering to the dumb Americans, but that's not you Cohen. That's not you. You lost all your comedic power by becoming well known and popular. Scripted films are not your strong suit. I'm sorry. Rest in Peace, buddy.
Spoiler Alert - The Sacha Baron Cohen we all loved so much may be dead.
Rating - F

[Senser81]

109. Hit & Run

Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Bradley Cooper, Tom Arnold, Kristen Chenoweth, Beau Bridges, Joy Bryant, Ryan Hansen, David Koechner, Michael Rosenbaum

I like the cast list for this movie. Bell (ok, movie's probably gonna suck), Cooper (movie will suck), Chenoweth (movie will be terrible), Beau Bridges (movie will go straight to DVD)...


Do you think Cusack has a drug/gambling problem? Why does he continue to churn out terrible movies?

[Palooza]

John Cusack is gay and is terrified to be in the spotlight because he may be exposed, so he stays as under the radar as possible. He has no true fans except the bitches who loves his roles from the 80's. I'm also pretty certain he and Jeremy Piven used to be gay lovers and once Piven smelled the ability to get out of Cusack's shadow (thanks Entourage!) he took the money and fame and bailed on Cusack.

[Palooza]

107. Lockout

Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace, Lennie James, Peter Stormare, Vincent Regen, Joseph Gilgun

Director(s) - James Mather, Steven St. Leger
Writer(s) - James Mather, Steven St. Leger
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - April 13
Runtime - 1 hour, 35 minutes
RT Score - 39%
Metacritic - 48/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "I'm just enjoying the silence."
Review - I'm a big Guy Pearce fan, but he's another victim of the Bale-voiced badass-who-only-cares-about-himself-until-this-one-time.. in a cliche action movie. The plot is essentially Escape From New York mixed with Taken and tossed into space. It's typical Luc Besson bullshit, something we'll get into our next post. They even went and got the same "kidnapped daughter" from Taken, Maggie Grace. That's how recycled you know this movie is. It's just bits and pieces of every action movie you've ever seen, especially from Luc Besson. This is an obvious pathetic attempt at a cash grab and it fails miserably.

I'm sure this movie will wind up on FX at some point and it will gain a cult following, but for now - GARBAGE.
Spoiler Alert - Sol's the mole
Rating - F

[Palooza]

106. Taken 2

Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Leland Orser, Jon Gries, D.B. Sweeney, Luke Grimes, Rade Serbedzija

Director(s) - Olivier Megaton
Writer(s) - Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kaman
Source Material/Connections - Sequel to 2008's Taken
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - October 5
Runtime - 1 hour, 32 minutes
RT Score - 21%
Metacritic - 45/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Listen to me carefully, Kim. Your mother; is going to be taken. And people are gonna come for you to." "What are you going to do?" "What I do best."
Review - Taken is not a good movie. Entertaining? Sure. Ridiculous? Yes. There's a reason why that film was delayed for so long - it wasn't very good. I don't know what happened but it gained a huge following because now Liam Neeson is the biggest badass of all time, even though he's like 60 years old and saved a ton of Jews back in the day. Either way, I'm a fan of his as an actor, but not too much as an action star. Taken was cool for what it was, but making a sequel is just really pathetic. I can't believe he would even subject himself to this bullshit. This time, Neeson has to go to Turkey for "work" and in an effort to bring his family back together, he invites his ex wife (Famke Jannsen) and daughter (Maggie Grace) along. Meanwhile, the friends and family of the slain bad guys from the first one swear revenge and begin plotting Neeson's takedown. In Europe, Neeson and his ex are kidnapped, but not before he creates some elaborate attempt to get away. It's foiled thanks to his dumb ex. Now, Maggie Grace has to play Neeson's role and save her parents. Except, Neeson has a cell phone in his sock and walks her through everything. And calls his CIA buddies. And we win!

That's the movie. The action scenes are okay, nothing special. For this film, I blame Luc Besson. Remember the manatees I mentioned earlier? Luc Besson is one of those, too, but with action movies. All of his are the same just with a few details tossed in or out and bam, we have ourselves a new movie. Should have left this one alone, Besson.
Spoiler Alert - This movie shouldn't exist, it's the same as the first one but worse.
Rating - F