Dell's Good, Bad & Ugly Movie Reviews

[dell71]

Saw VI
Directed by Kevin Greutert.
2009. Rated R, 92 minutes.
Cast:
Tobin Bell
Costas Mandylor
Betsy Russell
Mark Rolston
Peter Outerbridge
Athena Karkanis
Shawnee Smith
Samantha Lemole

Yeah!!! The crowning jewel of the torture porn empire gives us installment number six. Just in case you’ve no clue what the series is about, let me help. Jigsaw (Bell) is a twisted soul who borrows much from the philosophy of John Doe of the movie Seven. Jigsaw finds people he feels are evil or take life for granted, kidnaps them and puts them in “games” that are nearly impossible to survive in order to teach them a lesson. Of those that do manage to make it out with their lives are usually maimed for their efforts. He’s also stricken with an undeniably fatal form of cancer and has actually been dead for the last couple movies. However, being the Tupac of cinematic nutjobs, he keeps posthumously releasing previously unused material, commanding others to do his bidding from beyond the grave.

At the risk of spoiling the previous entry, I have to tell you that Detective Hoffman (Mandylor) is now administering the games and carrying out Jig’s pre-death orders. Much to Hoffman’s chagrin, he has to work with Jill (Russell), the old man’s widow. Even worse, his co-workers seem painfully close to figuring this whole thing out.

This time around, the person Jigsaw decides is in need of a lesson is William Easton (Outerbridge). He’s one of the top dogs at a health insurance company. He also takes great pride and joy in denying as many claims as possible. Of course, this acquits both the government and corporate America in the fight over health care to some degree but, let’s move on.

Unlike most franchises that are fortunate, or unfortunate enough to make it to part six, the story is still fascinating. Better yet, it is a definite improvement over part five. Though it strains a bit and relies heavily on the use of flashbacks, the saga is still developing in an interesting manner. True, the flashbacks are a gimmicky way to keep the main character, and a few others involved, and they’ve added the never-really-slick trick of bringing someone back from the dead (not Jigsaw, thankfully). Still, both are done well and add to the proceedings. The prerequisite twist at the end also works and there are actually two of them. The one involving the insurance man is the much better of the two, but the other is solid. The latter is also more important to continuing the franchise. Yes, Saw VII…ahem…Saw 3D will hit theaters, shortly.

Then, there are the games. They are still the inventive, nasty and downright heinous affairs we’ve come to love. For instance, the game that opens the movie takes a quite literal interpretation of sacrificing a pound of flesh. Blood and guts is the calling card of the series and this version does not disappoint. It is certainly not for the squeamish.

Saw VI delivers what a Saw movie is supposed to. Just by doing that, it places the series among the greatest horror franchises of all time. By the time they reached this point, the Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Child’s Play franchises had become parodies of themselves, comedies built around a string of murders. The Halloween movies were just plain dreadful. And I haven’t even mentioned such dreck as Leprechaun and Police Academy. Wait, what? Police Academy 6: City Under Seige wasn’t a horror flick? Says you.

Anyhoo, each movie in the Saw series is still linked to the one before it, where the movies in those other franchises became stand alone entries that just happen to feature the same villain with the same M.O. It’s still well written, at least for the genre. It still gives us a twist we might not see coming. And believe it, or not, it can still make us cringe at the decisions characters are forced to make in the face of their own mortality as well what happens to them if they make the wrong choice.

The Opposite View: Bob Grimm, Tuscon Weekly

What the Internet Says: 6.2/10 on imdb.com (10/7/10), 42% on rottentomatoes.com, 30/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

[dell71]

Teeth
Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein.
2007. Rated R, 94 minutes.
Cast:
Jess Weixler
John Hensley
Hale Appleman
Lenny von Dohlen
Josh Pais
Vivienne Benesch
Ashley Springer

If you buy the argument that the moral of many horror films, particularly slasher flicks, is that teenage and premarital sex is bad, you are already part of the foundation upon which Teeth is built. As it was explained to us in Wes Craven’s Scream, the characters that have sex die horrible deaths, leaving only the virginal heroine to save the day. This movie not only subscribes to that philosophy, it rubs your nose in it like you were a puppy whose unfortunate error ended up on the carpet.

Dawn (Weixler) is our virginal heroine. In most horror flicks, that would be divulging too much information. Here, not so much. See, she’s also the villain. Dawn is a high school student who fights on the frontline of the war between abstinence and promiscuity. She has taken a sacred vow to save herself for marriage, even forgoing masturbation, and gives lectures to fellow teens and preteens, encouraging them to do the same. Of course, there may be something she’s not even aware of driving her decision to maintain her purity.

Shortly after we meet Dawn, she meets a boy, Toby (Appleman). She likes him so much she begins to reevaluate her ideals. He’s not as strong as she is, having indulged once before. As things really heat up between the two, she remembers her vow and pleads with him to stop. Since he can’t control himself, an attempted rape ensues. This is when she discovers something about herself we’ve suspected since first reading the title, then watching the opening scene. Her vagina is not like other vaginas. Hers contains a very powerful set of teeth. Let’s just say men who dare enter, exit a digit short, a few digits in one case.

After this, we watch Dawn try to understand and come to grips with her own body and finds herself in some odd situations that lead to graphically bloody messes. Yes gore fans, we’re treated to the sight of a few lopped off penises and freshly castrated males gushing blood from the space where the wrong brain used to be. How we arrive at those scenes, I won’t tell. I will say that the last of them is jaw-dropping and even more cringe inducing than its predecessors.

By the time Teeth ends, we have a girl-power movie unlike any other. It’s undeniably feminist because the woman we focus on is absolutely empowered. She dominates men not with brawn like so many female action heroes, but by directly using the one thing all straight men covet against them. It lends credence to the theory women rule the world because almost everything we men do is designed to help us get in their pants.

Since Dawn is absolutely empowered, she falls victim to an old cliché. Eventually, she becomes corrupted, absolutely. How this is handled is key to the movie. She’s likeable and even as she becomes more and more comfortable with her peculiar style of vigilante justice we still see the victim fighting back. We understand her. Besides, what better incentive is there for young men to keep it zipped than the potential for their most valuable possession to be chopped off? The movie keeps from turning us totally off by making the whole thing with a wonderfully twisted sense of humor. In addition to being a horror flick, it’s a very dark comedy. The two genres blend and help the movie work on several levels.

As much as I like Teeth, it is not without its faults. Dawn’s mother has a mysterious illness that’s made a big deal of, but is completely irrelevant. The police are shown, but never really involved though they obviously should be. The men, save for her dad, are all one-note morons hardly worthy of conquering. However, they definitely warrant punishing which drives the movie. All in all, I enjoyed it immensely. Some may dismiss it as silly and disgusting. Some, like myself, will find this to be a low-budget gem. It’s a reminder that horror is as much about what you feel as it is what you see.

The Opposite View: Chris Cabin, Filmcritic.com

What the Internet Says: 5.8/10 on imdb.com (10/11/10), 82% on rottentomatoes.com, 57/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

[Fox1994]

lol. You just like abstinence murder girl because you have daughters. =P

But really, that's weird. You gave it a comparably high score - 7.5, so I'm kind of interested, but I'm not sure. :ionno:

[dell71]

lol. You just like abstinence murder girl because you have daughters. =P

But really, that's weird. You gave it a comparably high score - 7.5, so I'm kind of interested, but I'm not sure. :ionno:

A hard movie to judge...make note of the disparity between rottentomatoes score & metacritic score.

Point noted about daughters. ;)

[Leftwich]

The Haunting in Connecticut
2009. Rated PG-13, 102 minutes.
Director: Peter Cornwell.
Starring Virginia Madsen, Kyle Gallner, Elias Koteas, Martin Donovan.

Plot: When Sara's (Madsen) teenage son Matt (Gallner) is stricken with cancer, the only treatment facility for him is hours away. She moves the family closer, into a house going for cheap because "it has a bit of a history." Strange happenings ensue. Based on "the" true story, we're told. Uh-huh.

The Good: It's just an old-fashioned haunted house tale. Lots of things go bump in the night. Cabinet doors click and clack, dishes move by themselves and things besides reflections show up in the mirrors. Back in horror for the first time since her Candyman days, I think, Virginia Madsen turns in a solid performance as our courageous matriarch. The story also moves along at a brisk pace which helps maintain its spookiness.

The Bad: It's just an old-fasioned haunted house tale. Though its said to be based on "the" true story, there is even a documentary that inspired it (A Haunting in Connecticut), it feels overly derivative of The Amityville Horror and through its use of a random reverend, Poltergeist. In fact, said religious-guy is only there as a replacement of the people that were used in the documentary, the folks that initially investigated the happenings in Amityville. I guess my main point here is that it seems only so much can be done with the genre, plot-wise, so the directors of these films are left to try and out-spook the last popular haunted house flick in terms of visuals without much substance. Finally, the way our resident evil spirit is suddenly able to jump around doesn't seem to match what we've been told up to that point.

The Ugly: Scissors, meet eyelids.

Recommendation: This is an OK, if unexceptional entry into the haunted house genre that works better, the fewer of these types of movies you've seen. Still, if you're going to watch it, it works best when watched at home, at night, with the lights off, then trying to go to sleep immediately after its over.

The Opposite View: Marc Savlov, Austin Chronicle

What the Internet Says: 5.8/10 on imdb.com (10/21/09), 18% on rottentomatoes.com, 33/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 6/10

Just watched it last night... wasn't a very good movie in my opinion. A couple times i jumped but nothing that really scared me in the movie. The entire time I was watching it I was thinking this is like a dumber version of Amityville.

[dell71]

Just watched it last night... wasn't a very good movie in my opinion. A couple times i jumped but nothing that really scared me in the movie. The entire time I was watching it I was thinking this is like a dumber version of Amityville.

Pretty much what I said. It was OK, nothing special.

[dell71]

Kaw
Directed by Sheldon Wilson.
2007. Rated R, 85 minutes.
Cast:
Sean Patrick Flanery
Stephen McHattie
Kristin Booth
John Ralston
Megan Park
Vladimir Bondarenko
Ashley Newbrough
Rod Taylor
Michelle Duquet

Ravens have long been foreboding, even gothic creatures. The sight of one can give you that uneasy feeling something bad is about to happen. Think about it. The vision of Baltimore Ravens star linebacker Ray Lewis coming out of the tunnel doing his ridiculous, rhythmless war-dance makes you think he’s about to do something horrible to someone in a different color jersey. The rise to prominence of Raven Symone was an ominous warning that we were all about to be subjects under the iron thumb of Hannah Montana. Of course, there’s also one of the most famous and unsettling poems in the history of the written word, “The Raven” by one of my favorite writers of all time, Edgar Allan Poe.

In this cinematic offering, I mean SyFy original, the dreaded birds have evolved from foreshadowers of gloom and doom to a flock of vengeful and homicidal fowls. The poor old guy at the beginning makes the unfortunate mistake of backing over one with his tractor. Next thing you know, he’s surrounded by more ravens than he can count and they proceed to peck him to death. Seriously. Whatever, the important part is more mayhem involving wild birds ensues.

As is always the case in movies like this, it’s up to the local sheriff to figure things out. In this case, the sheriff is played by Sean Patrick Flanery of the Boondock Saints movies. Talk about your ominous signs. Of course, he acts as our thought process, thinking out loud for us. Sadly, the only thing he actually figures out is that these are indeed ravens, not crows, of which he dutifully informs the townfolk, the whole dozen. By the way, I find it hilarious that no one in this place, presumably set during the present, has a cell phone. Don’t they issue those at birth, nowadays? I mean, the whole town is shut down because “the phone lines are down.” Really?

True, certain people aren’t supposed to have cell phones. In this case, those people are the Mennonites who also share the community. Apparently, there are only three of them, but whatever. If you’re unfamiliar with Mennonites, suffice it to say they’re similar to the Amish. Of course, that’s at the risk of insulting both groups, but you get the point. So against modernization are the Mennonites, at least in this movie, they refer to the other people in town as “the children of the English.” If that reference floats over your dome, think the children of the original colonists in “the New World”, a few centuries ago. The Mennonites are important here because they made a little boo boo that may have led to making the local ravens, um, ravenous. Okay, I couldn’t resist. Anyhoo, the question becomes is this some sort of punishment from God, or is something else going on?

That sounds interesting. However, it is executed poorly. The writing isn’t strong enough to overcome the inherent silliness of the plot. It’s definitely not Hitchcock. The acting is only passable and save for one tiny moment, a throwaway jump-scare, it never even threatens to frighten us. Instead, we simply sit back and peck at its flaws. Did I do that, again? Sorry. Strangely enough, the town doctor (Taylor) is somehow exempt from all the incompetence. During each of his brief moments, he seems to have dropped in from a much better movie to impart some wisdom through insightful dialogue delivered by good acting. Weird. Oh, almost forgot, did you know that ravens are evidently man-eating? And canine-eating, too? Me, neither! Amazing. As you can see, the unintentional humor factor is fairly high, but it never gets to “so bad, it’s awesome.” It’s just bad.

Let's get back to Poe for a moment because I can’t bear to think anymore about this movie. However, it did help me better interpret the master’s poem. Since most of us haven’t read it since high school and have forgotten it, or haven’t reached high school and haven’t read it yet, I’ll give you a quick recap. Edgar…er…the speaker is up late one night trying to get some reading done, but he keeps dozing off. Seeing how we’re talking Poe, there’s a coin flip’s chance there are some narcotics involved, but I digress. He hears some strange noises coming from outside and decides to investigate. He finds a raven perched above his door and pretty much drops a load in his britches, fretting over what possible news the bird could be bringing. He asks the bird a bunch of questions, mostly about his beloved Lenore. The raven answers each inquiry with a single word, nevermore. Of course, this makes him assume the worst and totally blows his high…er…wrecks his night. After dozens of reads, the aforementioned knowledge of Poe’s recreational habits and watching this film, I finally get it. Poe was standing outside his door at midnight talking to a bird and hoping for a proper response, but the raven kept saying the only thing a raven could say, “kaw!”

MY SCORE: 2/10

[Buzzman]

Only Dell could write a 500 word review on a movie called Kaw.

[Palooza]

Two things -

1. Sean Patrick Flannery has come a long way since Powder. And I obviously do not mean that in a good way.

2. I am taking a class that is revolves solely around Edgar Allan Poe and the more stuff I read of his, the less I like him, but I can see how he'd be one of your favorites. There's a reason why he's the most popular writer in American history.

[Fox1994]

I prefer Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner (just read that this year, read The Raven sophomore year... Not personally much of a Poe fan, but I see his value and understand his popularity)... to each his own. In any case, that movie looks terrible. And I loved the puns. :2thumbs:

[dell71]

Two things -

1. Sean Patrick Flannery has come a long way since Powder. And I obviously do not mean that in a good way.

2. I am taking a class that is revolves solely around Edgar Allan Poe and the more stuff I read of his, the less I like him, but I can see how he'd be one of your favorites. There's a reason why he's the most popular writer in American history.

Sounds like a class I would enjoy.

I prefer Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner (just read that this year, read The Raven sophomore year... Not personally much of a Poe fan, but I see his value and understand his popularity)... to each his own. In any case, that movie looks terrible. And I loved the puns. :2thumbs:

I'm much more a fan of his short-stories than his poetry. "The Tell-Tale Heart" is prob my fave.

[dell71]

The Monster Squad
Directed by Fred Dekker.
1987. Rated PG, 82 minutes.
Cast:
Andre Gower
Robby Kiger
Stephen Macht
Duncan Regehr
Tom Noonan
Ashley Bank
Leonardo Cimino
Lisa Fuller

Precisely every 100 years at midnight the amulet that controls the balance of power between good and evil becomes vulnerable enough to be destroyed, but only for a few moments. If it is, evil will have free reign. Count Dracula (Regehr) knows this and knows that the fateful day is coming up. He recruits Frankenstein’s monster, the Wolfman, the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon to help find and obliterate said amulet. A group of kids who are totally immersed in monster lore have discovered this and after dubbing themselves “The Monster Squad,” have set out to save the day.

This is a wonderful blend of pre/early teen comedy, the cheesiest elements of monster movies and, for some younger viewers, tension and possibly horror. Our bad guys are represented in their most classical forms, i.e. Dracula sports a black tux and flowing black cape with a silky red lining and the collar up, of course. This comes off as a nod to us that this is more of an elaborate Halloween prank than actually trying to add anything to vampire mythology. In other words, it puts its tongue firmly in its cheek and it works. We sit back and have fun with kids we either were (or are depending on your age) or wouldn’t normally have hung out with.

Let’s be honest, the squad is largely made up of geeks. As it so often turns out in real life, the geeks are right. Monsters are real. There’s also one set of parents on the verge of a divorce which adds some reality to the proceedings. Though things wrap up in a predictably corny manner, it’s still very enjoyable.

Most of us who grew up in the eighties have fond memories of TMS. Since it’s always been unabashed in its cheesiness, it’s held up surprisingly well. A warning to parents: though its rated PG, a number of four-letter words fly; decide accordingly. If you decide to let the kiddies indulge you’ll find it one of the better horror flicks aimed at young’uns. And yes, the Wolfman still has nards.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

[nflman2033]

The Monster Squad
Directed by Fred Dekker.
1987. Rated PG, 82 minutes.
Cast:
Andre Gower
Robby Kiger
Stephen Macht
Duncan Regehr
Tom Noonan
Ashley Bank
Leonardo Cimino
Lisa Fuller

Precisely every 100 years at midnight the amulet that controls the balance of power between good and evil becomes vulnerable enough to be destroyed, but only for a few moments. If it is, evil will have free reign. Count Dracula (Regehr) knows this and knows that the fateful day is coming up. He recruits Frankenstein’s monster, the Wolfman, the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon to help find and obliterate said amulet. A group of kids who are totally immersed in monster lore have discovered this and after dubbing themselves “The Monster Squad,” have set out to save the day.

This is a wonderful blend of pre/early teen comedy, the cheesiest elements of monster movies and, for some younger viewers, tension and possibly horror. Our bad guys are represented in their most classical forms, i.e. Dracula sports a black tux and flowing black cape with a silky red lining and the collar up, of course. This comes off as a nod to us that this is more of an elaborate Halloween prank than actually trying to add anything to vampire mythology. In other words, it puts its tongue firmly in its cheek and it works. We sit back and have fun with kids we either were (or are depending on your age) or wouldn’t normally have hung out with.

Let’s be honest, the squad is largely made up of geeks. As it so often turns out in real life, the geeks are right. Monsters are real. There’s also one set of parents on the verge of a divorce which adds some reality to the proceedings. Though things wrap up in a predictably corny manner, it’s still very enjoyable.

Most of us who grew up in the eighties have fond memories of TMS. Since it’s always been unabashed in its cheesiness, it’s held up surprisingly well. A warning to parents: though its rated PG, a number of four-letter words fly; decide accordingly. If you decide to let the kiddies indulge you’ll find it one of the better horror flicks aimed at young’uns. And yes, the Wolfman still has nards.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

you know being an 80's kid i had never heard of this movie until a couple of years ago a horror movie fan friend of mine loves it. still haven't seen it.

[dell71]

you know being an 80's kid i had never heard of this movie until a couple of years ago a horror movie fan friend of mine loves it. still haven't seen it.

Wow. I'm surprised you haven't at least heard of it before a couple years ago. We're talking something on a level of popularity only slightly lower than Goonies. Probably, the only thing that would've made it better is if it starred "The Coreys".

[Fox1994]

I saw that Monster Squad movie and I immediately thought of a movie my uncle suggested that I just downloaded - NightBreed. Have you seen it? Did you like it?