Dell's Good, Bad & Ugly Movie Reviews

[dell71]

The Collector
Directed by Marcus Dunstan.
2009. Rated R, 90 minutes.
Cast:
Josh Stewart
Juan Fernandez
Michael Reilly Burke
Andrea Roth
Karley Scott Collins
Daniella Alonso
Madeline Zima

Ex-con Arkin (Stewart) is doing some work on the home of the Chase family. When his wife informs him she and their little girl are taking off to get away from the loan shark she owes money to, he tells her to hold her horses and he’ll get the money by midnight.

Now that you’ve wasted a few precious seconds reading the previous paragraph, you can file it away in your mental recycle bin. It doesn’t really matter to the movie other than as an excuse to get him into the Chase house after hours where he hopes to crack the family safe and steal enough valuables to save his wife’s hiney. Sounds pretty important, right? Forget about the safe, just know that he breaks into the house.

What’s the important part, you ask? When he gets there, he soon discovers that someone else has already broken in. Apparently, this other dude has been there all day long, at least. Not only does he have various family members bound and beaten to within an inch of their lives but he’s also boobie-trapped almost every room in the house. We’re not talking a bucket of water over a doorway, here. He’s got a few dozen bear traps set in one room, a floor covered in goo in another, a couple windows turned into guillotines, other windows and doors boarded up, rusty nails sticking out of the stairs…and…I’m pretty sure I’m missing something. You’d think the guy had a movie crew helping him.

Most of our time is spent watching Arkin sneak around trying to avoid the other guy, whom we have to assume is “The Collector” because that’s the title of the movie, and get out of the house. Along the way, Arkin nearly gets decapitated or otherwise maimed and stumbles across dead and nearly dead family members. Well, the littlest Chase, Hannah (Collins), is unharmed because the bad guy can never find her in those spots where she would’ve quickly lost to other kids in a game of hide-and-seek. Of course, that’s the case. You know we hate to see kids hurt in movies. At least that’s the case when it comes to little kids. Teenagers? Kill ‘em all! Oh, yeah…The Collector, that’s what I’m watching, right?

Anyway, we have no idea who this other guy is or what he wants other than to put a hurtin’ on some folks. Eventually, we’re sort of told as one of those almost dead people blurts out the killer’s motive. How exactly does the victim know this? I can’t assume the killer told him, that dude doesn’t talk. His mom isn’t hanging aroung to fill us in on what the camp counselors allowed to happen to him. There’s no group of parents that burned him alive, years ago nor anyone from whatever mental institution he’s obviously escaped from to recount what he did to his sister. I guess he has telepathic gifts, or the victim has the ability to learn by osmosis. Now, I’m rambling.

I ramble when a movie pisses me off. There’s little to no setup, reason or even a decent payoff. It’s just random, but not in the way random killings can be terrifying, just plain old random. It’s truly as if the boogeyman jumped out of the closet with no humanity beneath his odd looking mask, aside from a strange predilection for bugs, and no past to draw pain from. As idiotic as you might think Friday the 13th movies are, there is some sort of logic at work, however twisted. Here, there is none. It’s just an hour nad a half of boobie traps, torture and murder that is occasionally visually stimulating but not nearly enough to overcome our sheer confusion. And it has the nerve to end by threatening us with the possibility of a sequel! Legend has it, this was originally intended to be a chapter in the Saw franchise, but the powers that be rejected it. I can see why.

The Opposite View: John Anderson, Variety

What the Internet Says: 6.1/10 on imdb.com (9/14/10), 28% on rottentomatoes.com, 29/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 3.5/10

[Fox1994]

I think I'm gonna start renting/downloading Spanish-language films to shape-up my Spanish. Also, Gamer was shit, and so - apparently - was The Collector. So I won't be watching that.

[dell71]

^^^ Let me know how that works out.

[SOS4Prez]

I'll second Romper Stomper. Early Russell Crowe, probably one of his best.

[nflman2033]

I'll second Romper Stomper. Early Russell Crowe, probably one of his best.

yeah I'll 3rd it for ya dell

[dell71]

The Expendables
Directed by Sylvester Stallone.
2010. Rated R, 103 minutes.
Cast:
Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham
Jet Li
Giselle Itié
Dolph Lundgren
Mickey Rourke
Eric Roberts
Terry Crews
Randy Couture
Steve Austin

Plot: A group of mercenaries are hired to take out the dictator of a banana republic on a tiny South American island. Everything going boom ensues.

The Good: Whenever there was shooting and/or explosions. The action is what we came for and it is very well done in that over the top, goofy way many of Stallone’s movies are. Bodies get ripped apart. There’s lots of yelling and killing everyone in a building is never enough. Through some form of pyrotechnics, the building has to be destroyed, too. Although Sly is the writer, director and star, he’s wise enough to let Jason Statham do most of the heavy lifting. The star of the Crank and Transporter franchises has many of the best scenes, here. The other “best” moments go to Mickey Rourke. He’s just so good, he makes Stallone’s dialogue feel Shakespearean. There are also a few nice comedic moments. Surprisingly, they tend to involve Jet Li. Also squeezed in is a funny scene that really should’ve been cut for adding nothing to the movie, except for the fact that Stallone finally shares the screen for a brief moment with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The Bad: Too much downtime. This is a movie that really should’ve been non-stop action. However, too much time is spent on the bromance between Stallone and Statham and a bunch of grown men whining about their problems. It really makes time between action scenes pass too slowly. Also, a couple of our expendables are even more expendable than the others. If we’re going to have all this talking going on, how is it two guys on the team (Crews and Couture) barely get any screen time?

The Ugly: I love Terry Crews but I kept wondering why Carl Weathers didn’t get that role.

Recommendation: It’s a Sly Stallone special: loud, excessive and goofy. Judge accordingly. I like it well enough, but I’m not blown away by it.

The Opposite View: Mike Scott, New Orleans Times-Picayune

What the Internet Says: 7.1/10 on imdb.com (9/14/10), 40% on rottentomatoes.com, 45/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 6/10

[KillaK]

Your review on Expendables was pretty accurate. I kind of wish there was more Dolph in there, dude is great. I like your Carl Weathers idea.

[Buzzman]

Dolph was dumb as fuck, The Expendables was dumb as fuck.

[dell71]

The Messenger
Directed by Oren Moverman.
2009. Rated R, 112 minutes.
Cast:
Ben Foster
Woody Harrelson
Samantha Morton
Jena Malone
Steve Buscemi
Jahmir Duran-Abreau

Staff Sergeant Will Montgomery (Foster) has been sent home from the War in Iraq. Something I won’t spoil has left him with damage to one of his legs, one eye and presumably, his psyche. In a move that doesn’t seem like a good idea for a guy who seems fragile, he’s assigned to work with Captain Tony Stone (Harrelson) on a casualty notification team. In addition to his normal duties, he has to go with Cpt. Stone whenever needed to notify a soldier’s next of kin that their love one has been killed in defense of the country.

In keeping with a recent tren in war movies like The Hurt Locker and Jarhead, there is much less plot and much more slice of life. We see two guys working through a number of issues and develop a friendship. Among those issues is the mess of Will’s love life and Tony’s alcoholism, which both men seem to willfully complicate. However, there is no big rush to resolve something. There is no villain to be foiled, nor day to be saved. It’s just two guys. Still, these two guys worm their way into our hearts. We empathize deeply with them. We start to really understand them even though they hardly bother to explain themselves. Well, Will doesn’t. Tony likes to explain a lot of things.

What we love most about them is what we most hate: their job. We love them for doing it. We hate that it has to be done. It is intrinsically terrifying, perhaps almost as much as actually going to war. Though I’m a vet, I’ve never been to combat, so forgive me if I’m way off base, here. It just seems going into combat causes an anticipatory fear, but once you’re there, there is a chance you’ll live. After being in it for awhile, the fear doesn’t go away, but it subsides enough for you to focus on survival. With these guys, there’s no life or death involved in their current station in life. However, day after day they’re tasked with telling someone they will never see their child, husband or wife ever again. If you’ve ever had to break that news to someone, you know how difficult that is. Now imagine having to knock on a stranger’s door and do it every day.

The scenes of the men going about their business are masterful depictions of human drama. They’re simply gripping and like the rest of the movie, acted perfectly. Woody Harrelson deserved the nomination this role earned him for Best Supporting Actor. Ben Foster’s work has been largely overlooked, but is no less brilliant. Perhaps even more stunning than either of our two heroes is Samantha Morton’s work as a newly widowed mom. Her pain bleeds all over every scene but she’s never loud or showy about it. It’s a subtle performance that mirrors Foster’s. It may even be more poignant because she doesn’t have the military to look after her the way he does.

Don’t watch this if you’re looking for a traditional war movie. In fact, there is no war to be seen. There are only two guys. They are two guys you have to see.

The Opposite View: Noel Murray, The Onion (A.V. Club)

What the Internet Says: 7.4/10 on imdb.com (9/17/10), 90% on rottentomatoes.com, 78/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 9/10

[CCBrink]

The Messenger
Directed by Oren Moverman.
2009. Rated R, 112 minutes.
Cast:
Ben Foster
Woody Harrelson
Samantha Morton
Jena Malone
Steve Buscemi
Jahmir Duran-Abreau

Staff Sergeant Will Montgomery (Foster) has been sent home from the War in Iraq. Something I won’t spoil has left him with damage to one of his legs, one eye and presumably, his psyche. In a move that doesn’t seem like a good idea for a guy who seems fragile, he’s assigned to work with Captain Tony Stone (Harrelson) on a casualty notification team. In addition to his normal duties, he has to go with Cpt. Stone whenever needed to notify a soldier’s next of kin that their love one has been killed in defense of the country.

In keeping with a recent tren in war movies like The Hurt Locker and Jarhead, there is much less plot and much more slice of life. We see two guys working through a number of issues and develop a friendship. Among those issues is the mess of Will’s love life and Tony’s alcoholism, which both men seem to willfully complicate. However, there is no big rush to resolve something. There is no villain to be foiled, nor day to be saved. It’s just two guys. Still, these two guys worm their way into our hearts. We empathize deeply with them. We start to really understand them even though they hardly bother to explain themselves. Well, Will doesn’t. Tony likes to explain a lot of things.

What we love most about them is what we most hate: their job. We love them for doing it. We hate that it has to be done. It is intrinsically terrifying, perhaps almost as much as actually going to war. Though I’m a vet, I’ve never been to combat, so forgive me if I’m way off base, here. It just seems going into combat causes an anticipatory fear, but once you’re there, there is a chance you’ll live. After being in it for awhile, the fear doesn’t go away, but it subsides enough for you to focus on survival. With these guys, there’s no life or death involved in their current station in life. However, day after day they’re tasked with telling someone they will never see their child, husband or wife ever again. If you’ve ever had to break that news to someone, you know how difficult that is. Now imagine having to knock on a stranger’s door and do it every day.

The scenes of the men going about their business are masterful depictions of human drama. They’re simply gripping and like the rest of the movie, acted perfectly. Woody Harrelson deserved the nomination this role earned him for Best Supporting Actor. Ben Foster’s work has been largely overlooked, but is no less brilliant. Perhaps even more stunning than either of our two heroes is Samantha Morton’s work as a newly widowed mom. Her pain bleeds all over every scene but she’s never loud or showy about it. It’s a subtle performance that mirrors Foster’s. It may even be more poignant because she doesn’t have the military to look after her the way he does.

Don’t watch this if you’re looking for a traditional war movie. In fact, there is no war to be seen. There are only two guys. They are two guys you have to see.

The Opposite View: Noel Murray, The Onion (A.V. Club)

What the Internet Says: 7.4/10 on imdb.com (9/17/10), 90% on rottentomatoes.com, 78/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 9/10

I started watching this movie a while back but didn't finish it because my relatives came. From what I saw, it was great. Couldn't imagine doing that for a living.

[DJ Rhude]

The Cliff notes on Salt: dumb action flick, but very well done.

Haha I just watched this movie and that's the exact thought that came to mind

[Survivor]

Haha I just watched this movie and that's the exact thought that came to mind

Agreed!

[PNovak]

I might have to give The Messenger a look. Hadn't heard much about it.

[dell71]

Blood: The Last Vampire
Directed by Chris Nahon.
2009. Rated R, 91 minutes.
Cast:
Gianna Jun
Allison Miller
Koyuki
Liam Cunningham
JJ Field
Larry Lamb
Yasuaki Kurata
Colin Salmon

Saya (Jun) has devoted her life to slaying demons in hopes of eventually drawing out Onigen (Koyuki), the supreme demon, and kill it as well. You see, Onigen killed Saya’s father just a few days after she was born. Saya also works for a covert agency. Her job is to, um, slay demons in hopes of eventually drawing out Onigen and yada yada yada.

As you might imagine, killing demons is messy work. It’s also complicated because they can take human form. So, our hero isn’t above mistakes. Then again, neither is this movie. You watch flicks like this for the action and gore. Unfortunately, most of it looks bad. The blood that splatters across the screen and spurts from freshly created orifices looks almost hand-drawn. When the demons transform into some green creature with sharp teeth and wings, they’re poorly rendered. Worst of all, our hero doesn’t appeart quite athletic enough to pull off the role. As a result, way too many obvious camera tricks are used to make her seem to be the unstoppable force she’s supposed to be. The movie is based on the anime film of the same name. My question: if the live action version is going to look like this, why bother?

But wait, it gets worse. Other aspects of the movie are also lacking. The dialogue is a rehashing of the worst of Yu-gi-oh. The actors saying it aren’t going to be winning any awards in the near future and the whole thing has a cheesy feel.

But wait, it gets worse. For two unimportant reasons, our tale is set in 1970. First, there are two lines of dialogue that reference the Vietnam War in current tense that are supposed to be deep. Hardly. Second, since that war is referenced, it’s an easy excuse to fill up the cast of a movie set in Japan with Americans. Whatever.

But wait, it gets worse. It rips off a number of other movies, comics, etc. For instance, when our American tour guide, Alice (Miller), wanders into a bar, we’re quickly reminded of From Dusk til Dawn. And if you can’t see the big reveal coming from about ten miles away, you’ve never seen The Empire Strikes Back or any of the countless other movies that stole from it before this one. Oh, and if you wonder why I haven’t even mentioned vampires to this point, it’s because vampirism is largely irrelevant, despite the title.

But wait, something happens. Somehow, some way, somewhere along the line, if you find yourself still watching, you find that you’ve ridden out your displeasure. You begin to roll with the punches and actually enjoy the badness. Yeah, it’s so bad, it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

[dell71]

Tooth Fairy
Directed by Michael Lembeck.
2010. Rated PG, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Dwayne Johnson
Ashley Judd
Stephen Merchant
Julie Andrews
Chase Ellison
Destiny Whitlock
Billy Crystal
Barclay Hope
Ryan Sheckler

Derek Thompson (Johnson) is an aging, former NHL player with a large ego toiling in the minor leagues. On the ice, he’s the star of his team. His knack for dislodging teeth from the mouths of opponents has earned him the nickname “The Tooth Fairy.” Off the ice, he’s pretty much a jerk. He seems to delight in crushing the dreams of others. When, in a fit of anger he goes too far, Derek finds himself sentenced to be a real tooth fairy. The powers that be hope to rehabilitate his outlook on life.

Basically, this is The Gameplan all over, again. The difference is this movie uses hockey instead of football and our hero sports a pair of silk pajamas with Victoria’s Secret style wings. The Disney formula remains intact and everything works out just as you would expect. Of course, there’s cuteness all around.

That said, TF is still watchable. Mostly, that’s because of the star. Dwayne Johnson has both the larger than life personality and the willingness to poke fun at his own persona to make this type of movie work. His presence and charisma place this, and the aforementioned The Game Plan, a shade above similar movies starring other action heroes. His natural charisma and years as “The Rock” have made it easy for him to be “that guy.” He’s so good at it, we get it as soon as we see him. His presence is a commanding one. As a result, his scenes with Julie Andrews are interesting because she has the same sort of aura. Having them both on the screen simultaneously is to have two powerful magnets competing for attraction.

Sadly, the movie as a whole isn’t nearly as compelling. Johnson still carries it well. He also gets help from a couple fairies. Stephen Merchant, as his caseworker Tracy, plays nicely off the star. In what amounts to little more than a cameo, Billy Crystal plays the equivalent to James Bond’s Q and gives us perhaps the best scene of the movie.

Overall, this is simple, light-hearted family fare with the pre-requisite life lessons included. It’s nothing great, but it is cute.

The Opposite View: Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel

What the Internet Says: 4.8/10 on imdb.com (9/18/10), 17% on rottentomatoes.com, 36/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 6/10