The Ramble has come into the possession of this draft document from the highest levels of the Chelsea executive, leaked by a disgruntled employee. We’re not a liberty to divulge our sources, but we must acknowledge our gratitude to the circle of honour that exists between fellow bloggers.
Dear Loyal Chelsea FC Fan,
We’ve listened.
How could we not? The pride and the passion of the true Chelsea FC supporter is difficult to ignore at any time, but when 41,000 voices sing as one during a fantastic Stamford Bridge matchday, no one could be deaf to their desires.
You want your Chelsea FC back. We want you to have it.
Chelsea FC are therefore delighted to announce that the next permanent First Team Manager will be you, the fans.
Who else could measure up to the high standards of our Club? What traditional manager working in the game today would not be found wanting, or indeed has not had the job for three to five months at some point in the recent past and already been found wanting? We’ve had it with managers, Roman’s had it with managers, and we believe that you’ve had it with managers too.
Managers will always let you down, in the end. They might win a trophy or two, but then they’ll do something unforgivable like oversee an inadequate number of goals scored at home to Everton, or refuse to field a marquee superstar just because he’s failed to find the back of the net in three months – then complain that these are mutually exclusive job requirements and throw an undignified tantrum in Roman’s office, utterly heedless of the damage they’re doing to Chelsea FC’s Brand-Aspiration Proliferation Ratio in emerging markets. Then they just up and leave by completely mutual consent.
Managers are fickle, inefficient and an anachronism in the modern game. Fans though, fans are here forever. That’s why you will make the ideal boss.
How will this exciting innovation work? New media gives us a wealth of opportunities to connect with our hive-mind coaching staff – and our communications partners at Samsung™, Digicel™ Myspace™, and UrbanCarrierPigeonzz™ will enable us to get decisions from your brain to the pitch in a paradigm of real-time synergy unlike anything ever attempted before.
For example, our first order of business is Frank Lampard’s expiring contract. If you, the manager, think that Frank has earned a new deal, text LAMPSYES and the value of the contract you think he deserves in £s p/week to 80085. If however it’s time for the loyal Club servant to move on and enjoy a fresh challenge elsewhere, text LAMPSDOONE instead. We’ll tabulate the results, calculate the average of the proposed contract offer, and if our Handsomeness Profitability Analyst agrees that the numbers look good against the potential shirt sales in Laos – then congratulations! The fans have made their first managerial decision!
New signing targets will be identified by aggregating the comments left beneath articles on caughtoffside.com. Transfer rumours that inspire the most passionate responses from our managers will be pursued most vigorously – so if you want to see, say, Radamel Falcao pulling on the famous blue shirt, get typing. And remember: BLOCK CAPITALS MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD!!!!!!!!!1!!!11!!!!1!
Of course, management isn’t just buying and selling – there’s the games themselves to consider, with tactical details requiring constant refinement by the fine footballing brain of our gestalt coach. We realise you’ll be too enthralled enjoying the fine displays of John, Ashley and the boys to be glancing at your phone, so obviously tweeting your instructions is right out. Instead, we’ve come up with an alternative communication tool that we think you’ll love. It’s something that goes right to the core of what being a Chelsea FC fan is all about, something that is dear to the heart of every one of us with blue blood in our veins.
Flags.
Every seat at the Bridge will come with a highly visible plastic flag (sponsored by JKS Investments and Holdings™, ‘the most visible securities traders in today’s competitive marketplace’®) for each Chelsea FC manager to make their wishes known to the players. Not only will communication be clear, simple and precise; the Stamford Bridge Semaphore Displays will also become a famous sight, intimidating for our opponents and highly marketable for our partner companies. And what’s more, it puts you, the manager, right in charge of the action.
Off the pitch, how will training be handled? It won’t. Training is boring, as evidenced by the fact that no one pays to watch it – therefore we won’t waste your or the players’ precious time with it. This should allow us to spend time during the week focusing on making the Chelsea FC Matchday Experience as thrilling, immersive and passionate as possible!
We’re excited that Chelsea FC is on the forefront of this new venture, and we’re confident that no other Club in the world would even attempt it.
So what do you say gaffer(s)? Are you ready to get to work?
Yours,
Chelsea Football Club.
