Dell's Good, Bad & Ugly Movie Reviews

[KillaK]

I love watching a movie and coming into this thread to see if Dell has reviewed it yet.

[Derrville]

Fact: I fap to Bitch Slap.

[Golden Taters]

Is there going to be an Inception review?

[Cody]

Kingdom of the Spiders
Directed by John Cardos.
1977. Rated PG, 97 minutes.
Cast:
William Shatner
Tiffany Bolling
Woody Strode
Altovise Davis
Lieux Dressler
David McLean
Natasha Ryan

Walter Colby, played by the ever-so-awesome Woody Strode, raises cattle. One morning he finds one of his calves laid out in the grass, in pretty bad shape.As you would expect, he calls the local vet, Dr. Robert “Rack” Hansen. Yes, they really call him Rack. Anyhoo, when the good doctor gets there, we find out it’s none other than the original Captain James T. Kirk, William Shatner. Okay, true Trekkies will tell you he’s not the original, but why let the facts get in the way of entertaining prose? So Kirk hauls the calf back to his place but can’t save it and can’t figure out what killed it. Where’s Bones when you need him? This means he has to call up the local university, University of Arizona in this case, and get an expert “down here” to help out. As luck would have it, our expert is a hot blonde who happens to be single. Cpt. Kirk putting the moves on her ensues.

Wait…what? Spiders? Oh, right. The lady from the university, Prof. Diane Ashley, gets the cockamamie idea that the calf was killed by spider venom. Besides constantly trying to show her his phaser, Kirk tells her that’s crazy talk because ain’t no itsy bitsy spider gonna bring down no calf, or something to that effect. He hits on her a few more times during which she manages to blurt out that it might not have been just one spider, but hundreds or even thousands of them.

If you think I’m exaggerating the captain’s sexual aggression I can assure you I am doing no such thing. During one scene, before she’s actually succumbed to his…charm, for lack of a better word, he uninvitedly and creepily walks up behind her and buries his nose in her hair and takes a long, intoxicating sniff. It’s a good thing for him this was during the 1970s. Nowadays, a star commander could get locked up for that sort of thing. Frankly, I’m thankful for his shenanigans. Watching him trying to give her a ride in the captain’s chair keeps the first two acts of the movie entertaining.

On the other hand, watching him turn down some lovin’ is interesting, too. He repeatedly rebuffs the advances of the wife of his deceased brother. She’s also attractive and obviously very horny, you know, since she evidently hasn’t gotten any since her hubby passed. Therefore, she throws it at him whenever she’s anywhere near him. He playfully flirts but ends up teleporting away as fast as possible. Hey, even an intergalactic pimp like James Tiberius has a line he won’t cross. Then again, you have to think if she were green he might’ve went for it. You never know.

Oh yeah, spiders. Once we get to the last act, the spiders kick it into overdrive. They pop up out of everywhere, gang tackle some folks, take down a plane and surround a cabin like the mob of zombies from Night of the Living Dead. Oh, oh, almost forgot, they wrap people in their webs after they kill them. Just wait until you see what they make Walter’s wife do to herself. And I can’t forget what Kirk does with his niece that he’s supposed to be saving. Hi-larious! Seriously, how has this not gotten a super-gory 21st century remake? It should because it’s so bad, it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

LOL. I figured it would be about a 1 not a -10

[dell71]

Is there going to be an Inception review?

Sometime this week.

[Derrville]

Im guessing our tastes might vary but if your looking for another "so bad its good" movie to see, check out Taintlight on Netflix. It was really funny in its own stupid way.

[TeflonDonny]

I want you read your thoughts on "The Town". I've never been a fan of Affleck's but this movie was pretty good. I was surprised when the credits rolled and saw that he directed it.

[NAHSTE]

Can't wait to read your Inception review. It didn't hold up quite as well as I thought on a second viewing, but still a really impressive feat in filmmaking.

[Maynard]

I want you read your thoughts on "The Town". I've never been a fan of Affleck's but this movie was pretty good. I was surprised when the credits rolled and saw that he directed it.

yeah i am looking for a review of the town. I got it DL and will watch it this week. Got inception too. i know nothing about that movie except leo is in it

[dell71]

I want you read your thoughts on "The Town". I've never been a fan of Affleck's but this movie was pretty good. I was surprised when the credits rolled and saw that he directed it.

Haven't seen it just yet, will soon. I recommend checking out the first movie he directed, Gone Baby Gone.

[Houston]

I'll send you the money via paypal to buy a ton of babysitter hours.

Too many hyped movies coming out recently that I need reviews for.

[dell71]

Dell's Classics Presents:


Requiem for a Heavyweight
Directed by Ralph Nelson
1962. Not Rated, 95 minutes.
Cast:
Anthony Quinn
Jackie Gleason
Mickey Rooney
Julie Harris
Stanley Adams
Val Avery
Herbie Faye
Muhammad Ali
Jack Dempsey

After 17 years in the ring and 111 fights, Mountain Rivera (Quinn) is a shot fighter. In his last fight, he takes a beating at the hands of one Cassius Clay, a very young Muhammad Ali playing himself even before his famous name-change. Rivera is left with damage to his left eye. It is enough that the doctor present at the arena tells his manager he won’t allow Mountain to fight ever again. His speech has become permanently slurred from all the pounding his head has taken. With that, almost no formal education and no skill beyond boxing, Rivera has to try to find his way in normal society.

Rivera’s manager, Maish (Gleason) is in deep to a bookie after a startling bet doesn’t pan out. Since his mule can no longer work, his mad quest to come up with the money he owes, and just what he owes it for, hangs over the proceedings.

Owing is a huge factor in everything that goes on. Just who owes who is the cause of much debate and the reason for many of the actions taken. When the film ends, the scale has been tilted to one side, but we’re saddened by the way in which this comes about. It’s odd that the person we come to hate the most gets a sort of come-uppance, yet we’re still not happy.

The movie weaves its way up to that amazing conclusion through a tapestry of great writing and outstanding performances. Strangely enough, it’s written by Rod Serling. To people of my age and older, that name is forever linked to The Twilight Zone, not hard-hitting human drama. At only 95 minutes, Requiem for a Heavyweight is wound tight as a drum, yet still lets us know these people intimately. We know what drives them, what scares them and what repels them. We have strong feelings about each of our four principals.

Our strongest feelings are reserved for Mountain. It seems his whole life has been spent being used to get what other people want. Even at this stage, he’s torn between two people who want very different things for and from him. What does he want for himself? That’s hard to say. Other than know what he doesn’t want, he seems to lack original thought. To pull this off, Anthony Quinn gives one of the best performances I’ve ever seen. His work here is pretty clearly a major inspiration for the way Sylvester Stallone would portray Rocky Balboa fourteen years later.

Much to their credit, Quinn’s supporting cast is never overshadowed. They, themselves, turn in powerful portrayals. Mickey Rooney (Army) is our mouthpiece. He says what we’re thinking with blunt honesty. Julie Harris (Ms. Miller) is Mountain’s possibly bright future, full of happiness and love. Then there’s Maish, played by the incomparable Jackie Gleason. I’ll just say he’s as brilliant as he always is and leave it at that.

The passage of time has given RfaH great irony. The easiest to spot is the cameo of Muhammad Ali, then known as Cassius Clay. He’s since become Mountain Rivera, in a physical sense. He was once so verbose and articulate that even in a post-ESPN, soundbite driven world his rantings and spontaneous verse remain among the most famous quotes in sports history. Yet, who really knows how many too many fights have robbed him and us of his vibrance, rendered him seemingly less than a shell of his former self. Luckily for Ali his legacy sustains him, both financially and in our mind’s eye. We’ll never forget him floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.

Mountain Rivera has no such luxuries. The game of boxing that he loves so much has robbed him of many possibilities outside the ring and keeps taking from him. How many boxers over the years have suffered the same fate? Many of them aren’t even as lucky as Rivera. He’s enjoyed a measure of success most never do. As he would proudly tell you, in 1952 they ranked him number five in the world.

Another fairly obvious irony is the fact that it’s a boxing movie with almost no boxing. It all takes place in the first few minutes. A greater irony is how this mirrors the entire sport today. There is much talk of boxing’s demise and very little actual boxing, at least on the biggest stages. Boxing’s speech is slurred, it’s movements no longer sharp as MMA has it on the ropes poised to deliver a knockout blow. It’s fighting for its survival, trying to make its way in a ready to move on without it, much like Mountain Rivera.

MY SCORE: 10/10

[dell71]

My Year Without Sex
Directed by Sarah Watt.
2009. Not Rated, 96 minutes.
Cast:
Sacha Horler
Matt Day
Jonathan Segat
Portia Bradley
Maude Davey
Sonya Suares
Roy Davies
Eddie Baroo
Chloe Guymer

Natalie (Horler) and Ross (Day) are your typical middle class married Australian couple with a pair of kids, a boy and girl. We meet them one morning in May when the children walk in on them while they’re starting the day off right. Due to the movie’s title, this is presumably the last time they get it on for quite a while, but why? Well, shortly after this little rendezvous, Natalie suffers a near-fatal aneurysm and spends a few weeks in the hospital. Her doctor informs our lovebirds that orgasms are one of the things that might trigger a reoccurrence. So, they abstain while she recovers physically and they both do some psychological healing.

Okay, I’ve gotta stop right there. To paraphrase the late Malcolm X, I’ve been bamboozled, led astray. I didn’t land on My Year Without Sex, My Year Without Sex landed on me. As the movie plays I do something I try not to do while watching a film, start reading the back of the DVD cover. Yup, there it is. Right there, it tells me how great a romantic comedy this is. Romantic? Maybe, eventually. Comedy? It’s nothing of the sort.

Natalie’s recovery puts a serious strain on her marriage. Her union with Ross is stretched very near the point of breaking. Likewise, for this movie’s sense of humor. That’s because all of this is rendered in painful detail. How painful depends on the viewer. MYWS is far more depressing than any movie willing to call itself a rom-com should be.

There are some comic moments. Most of them revolve around how oblivious the children seem as their lives continue without missing a beat. Other humor comes in the form of point-blank sex talk by Natalie’s sister who is half of the only other couple our heroes spend any time with. This threatens to bring it to the level of dramedy, but doesn’t quite do the trick.

How is it for what it is? It moves along nicely, helped by placards that mark the passing of the months. Each has clever titles like “I Have a Headache” or “Missionary Position.” The performances are excellent throughout, particularly Horler as Natalie. She is outstanding. Together with Day as her husband, they feel like a genuine couple. However, it’s still a downer, making it a struggle to wade through.

It’s also rather heavy-handed with its atheism. Just as other movies can be overbearing with their religious messages, this is as much with it’s antithetical stand. Through a female priest, Margaret (Davey), the movie repeatedly questions any notions of God. It uses her as an example that’s intended to disprove the existence of a superior being. The ending is also one last thorn in the paw of the lion know as organized religion. The biggest problem with all this is it doesn’t sufficiently support its own argument. It would seem that the movie subscribes to the idea of science in favor of the hocus-pocus of religion, but never fully enables the doctors as it needs to to solidify its point.

Despite what some would say, there can be good movies with an atheist slant. The Invention of Lying is one. That movie doesn’t dwell on it for an hour and it’s actually funny. This is like a sledgehammer to the base of the skull. There’s no punchline to soothe us, just repetitive blunt force. The rest of the ride is well done, but less than enjoyable.

MY SCORE: 5/10

[dell71]

Inception
Directed by Christopher Nolan.
2010. Rated PG-13, 148 minutes.
Cast:
Leonardo DiCaprio
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Ellen Page
Ken Watanabe
Tom Hardy
Marion Cotillard
Cillian Murphy
Dileep Rao
Tom Berenger
Michael Caine

Dom Cobb (DiCaprio) is a unique sort of criminal. He’s often hired by companies to steal secrets from their competitors. What makes him uniqe is that he actually enters a person’s mind through their dreams to unlock these treasures. His latest employer, Mr. Saito (Watanabe), wants something different. Mr. Saito wants him to do the opposite and plant an idea in the mind of his biggest competitor’s son Robert Fischer (Murphy). Putting an idea into someone’s mind, we learn, is called “inception” and thought by most to be impossible. Cobb says he can deliver and sets out hiring a crack staff to help him do so.

At any given moment we are thrust into and kicked out of dreams. We watch land and cityscapes change before our eyes, often in impossible ways. We see how time operates on different levels of consciousness. We see Dom’s own sanity slipping as too much time spent in other people’s minds, along with the things going on in his own, take a steadily increasing toll on him and threatens his and the team’s ability to complete the mission.

This is far from a simple movie. Like many fantasy or science-fiction films, it asks us to accept something seemingly preposterous as a sort of reality. The difference between Inception and the majority of others is simple. For the two hours or so we’re watching those others, it’s mutually understood that the reality on screen is wholly separate from our own. We know that no amount of exposure to gamma rays is going to transform us into The Hulk. Here, we’re given cause to wonder about our own dreams and the odd events that occur during the portions we can remember. And what about those parts we can’t remember?

Amazingly, even with all the jumping in and out of dreams and playing with reality, Inception is not nearly as convoluted or complicated as it could’ve been. Like I said, though, nor is it simple. With incredible special fx, astute storytelling, enough action infused into the proceedings and another great performance by DiCaprio, it strikes a perfect balance between entertaining us and challenging us.

Speaking of DiCaprio, he’s becoming the go-to-guy for leading men with less than a firm grip of reality. Here, as well as in The Departed and most recently in Shutter Island, he plays a guy who struggles with the concept. Kudos to him for being brilliant in all three.

As I’ve mentioned, the special fx are also brilliant. Worlds coming together and falling apart as we watch provide splendid visuals. In particular, the city that folds over on itself is an awe-inspiring moment. My only gripe is that I didn’t see it on the big screen. I may not ever get to see it in a theater, but I definitely plan on seeing it on something bigger than my 32” television. Yes, I’m putting my pennies aside.

All of the great things Inception does would be for naught if it blew the ending. Thankfully, it does nothing of the sort. Surprisingly, it leaves us right where it tells us it will and somehow, it still works. It works because we hope against hope that that’s not how it will end. Still, when it does we’re left to wonder and debate what’s next. It’s a perfect ending that I hope isn’t ruined by a sequel.

MY SCORE: 10/10

[NAHSTE]

Surprised you went the full 10, but I love the hell out of it. The four separate climactic scenes layered on top of each other is such an impressive feat in editing, IMO.