Dell's Good, Bad & Ugly Movie Reviews

[dell71]

Knowing
Directed by Alex Proyas.
2009. Rated PG-13, 121 minutes.
Cast:
Nicolas Cage
Chandler Canterbury
Rose Byrne
Lara Robinson
Nadia Townsend
Alan Hopgood
Alethea McGrath
Ben Mendelsohn

Way back in 1959, a grade school class does one of those time capsule things. You know, they all put some crap in a tube and bury it and some class in the future will dig it up. One student, a particularly odd little girl, leaves a page full of seemingly random numbers. Fifty years later, the capsule is indeed unearthed and said page winds up in the hands of college professor/single dad John Koestler (Cage). He soon discovers that the numbers actually lay out the exact dates and death tolls of “every major disaster in history.” Somehow, this is all on what appears to be a standard 8 ˝ x 11 sheet of paper, maybe an 11 x 14 but, whatever. And the fact that he seems to be a functioning alcoholic who made this amazing discovery during a night of drowning his sorrows in a bottle of wine is never addressed either, but I digress.

The real dilemma is that there a three dates that haven’t happened, yet. According to the new holy scroll, they’re approaching fast. Koestler tries to investigate the origin of the paper and what could happen next. There’s also some jazz about his relationship with his son that we’ll talk a little more about in a moment and his relationship with his own father. That second relationship could’ve easily been cut from the movie and it wouldn’t have skipped a beat.

The relationship between Koestler and his son is all a setup for a meant-to-be tear-jerker ending. It doesn’t do its job. If it jerks your tears then your tears must be very easily jerked. It also works toward two big special fx sequences. They’re both nice, the one involving the train is better, but nothing we haven’t seen before.

It’s equally intriguing and cheesy. Unfortunately, these things seem to counteract one another instead of working in tandem. So just as it seems to be getting interesting, something silly happens, not in a good way. This occurs repeatedly. Fortunately, star Nicolas Cage has all sorts of experience in similar movies and carries us through with his usual flair for going just enough over the top to be fun.

As far as disaster movies go, it puts itself in a bad spot. It never commits to the absolute nihilism of 2012 and its premise is too flimsy to really inspire the type of deep thought it wants to.

The Opposite View: Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

What the Internet Says: 6.4/10 on imdb.com (7/27/10), 33% on rottentomatoes.com, 41/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 5/10

[dell71]

The Men Who Stare at Goats
Directed by Grant Heslov.
2009. Rated R, 94 minutes.
Cast:
George Clooney
Ewan McGregor
Jeff Bridges
Kevin Spacey
Stephen Lang
Robert Patrick
Waleed Zuaiter
Nick Offerman

Plot: Reporter Bob Wilton (McGregor) follows Lyn Cassady (Clooney) around the Middle East in hopes of writing an exposé about a secret military program to train soldiers with paranormal abilities. As the movie itself tells s, “more of this is true than you would believe.”

The Good: Clooney gives us another of his quirky, paranoid performances. Think O Brother, Where Art Thou? It’s one of the two types of roles he’s perfected, the ultra suave cynic being the other. He knows how to work us with excellent comic timing. Most of the movie’s best moments are his. The rest belong to Jeff Bridges who lets us know what The Dude from The Big Lebowski would be like as a soldier.

The Bad: It wants to be a great oddball comedy. It’s definitely oddball but not consistently funny enough to keep us from noticing just how silly all this is, even though we’re not laughing. Ewan McGregor turns rather bland work. Part of the problem is he shares so much screentime with Clooney he never gets a chance to shine despite the movie being about his character. Finally, Kevin Spacey is underused as our villain if, for no other reason than it’s Kevin Spacey. Forgive me, I’m all about some Spacey.

The Ugly: What’s in the eggs…and the water.

Recommendation: It’s a premise with loads of potential that just doesn’t quite hit the mark. Unfortunately, even if it had it still may have been too strange for some.

The Opposite View: Derek Elley, Variety

What the Internet Says: 6.4/10 on imdb.com (7/30/10), 53% on rottentomatoes.com, 54/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

[dell71]

The Final Destination
Directed by David R. Ellis.
2009. Rated R, 82 minutes.
Cast:
Bobby Campo
Shantel VanSanten
Nick Zano
Mykelti Williamson
Haley Webb
Krista Allen
Andrew Fiscella
Justin Wellborn

Once again, a lucky teen, but really unlucky, has a premonition about a catstrophic accident that will kill him and all his friends, plus countless others. He gets all frantic and gets himself and said friends kicked out of the event they’re attending. In this case, it’s an auto race. Feeling cheated, Death itself hunts the survivors down one by one int the order in which they would’ve died had things gone according to plan. If you’ve seen any of this movie’s three predecessors then you know this set-up well. It’s exactly the same throughout the franchise. Why this isn’t called Final Destination 4 escapes me.

The problem with this franchise, this movie in particular, is no one has found a way to inject any creativity whatsoever into the storyline since the original. Essentially, we get the same movie once again. What was once, very recently, fresh for the genre has quickly become trite. If you’ve seen one, you’ve almost literally seen them all. The creative forces behind the FD franchise make the people behind the Friday the 13th movies seem Shakespearian by comparison.

Why watch such a movie? There’s really only one reason: the kill scenes. This is the only area in which we see any creativity whatsoever. The early deaths are a disappointment because they’re too cartoonish. That’s because the special fx are pretty weak in this particular version. You can see it straining to be a 3D movie as it was theatrically released. Unfortunately, I saw it in plain old 2D and the result in underwhelming.

However, all is not lost. Even though one of the later deaths mimics one that was done in the original, the kills get better as the movie goes on. The death-by-escalator scene might be among the most amazing murders the DTM genre has ever committed. By the way, thank famed critic Roger Ebert for the term DTM: Dead Teenager Movie.

It’s all pretty simple. If you like FD movies, this is right up your alley. If you don’t, skip it. You’re not missing anything special.

The Opposite View: Derek Elley, Variety

What the Internet Says: 4.9/10 on imdb.com (7/30/10), 27% on rottentomatoes.com, 30/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 4.5/10

SCORE VS. OTHER FD MOVIES: 6/10

[dell71]

Dick Tracy
Directed by Warren Beatty.
1990. Rated PG, 105 minutes.
Cast:
Warren Beatty
Madonna
Al Pacino
Charlie Korsmo
Glenne Headly
William Forsythe
Dustin Hoffman
Dick Van Dyke
James Caan

When one of the local gangsters turns up missing, super-sleuth Dick Tracy (Beatty) is on the case. Along the way, he picks up an orphan who calls himself Kid (Korsmo) and tries to maintain his relationship with Tess Trueheart (Headly). Of course the job, the kid and the bad guy’s girlfriend make that really tough.

Unless you’re one of these youngsters who’ve never opened up a real physical newspaper instead of its website, or just living under a rock then the name Dick Tracy should automatically conjure thoughts of the long-time comic strip of the same name. During the week, these strips were in black and white. On Sundays they were drawn in glorious color. It is to the Sunday version of the strip that the movie remains most true. The colors are ultra-bright and nearly every frame looks like it’s been lifted straight from the pages of the nation’s dailies. To this effect, the makeup team shines. Each character is marvelously rendered, many of them with wildly exaggerated appearances. It’s strict adherence to the source material’s look makes this a fairly clear precursor for Sin City. It’s easy to see why this movie won the Oscar for Best Makeup.

The film also has something the comic strip lacked: a serious and dark sense of humor. It keeps its tongue planted firmly in its cheek as it uses a film noir style of dialogue with all sorts of double entendres. This is most notable during Tracy’s scenes with the bad guy’s gal, Breathless Mahoney played by Beatty’s then real life girlfriend, pop superstar Madonna. She is both a strength and a weakness. Shes’s a strength because she absolutely looks the part. This was made in the days when she had just started toning up and in my opinion, the best she’s ever looked. In the days since, she’s trained the curves completely from her frame, but I digress. She also feels the part. Who better to play a singer/sexpot with a knack for trouble than Madonna?

However, the music icon is a weakness because of her acting. Her role requires her to slink around the screen fluidly and effortlessly seduce the men in her path. Considering that’s how she made her living, it is shocking how stiffly she moves, how easily recognizable the choreography of everything she does and says. It’s doubly distracting simply because of who’s playing the part.

Fortunately, the rest of the performances are just plain fun. As our main villain, Big Goy Caprice, Al Pacino seems to be having a blast and was nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his work, here. As Tess, Headly grounds the movie emotionally and is perfect. Even Korsmo as Kid is excellent. In just a few brief scenes, Dustin Hoffman steals the show as Mumbles, one of Big Boy’s flunkies. If there is one thing this movie needs more of, it’s Mumbles. Oh, keep an eye out or you’ll miss Kathy Bates and Colm Meaney in bit roles.

When “DT” was released, movies based on comics weren’t the cash cows they are now. In fact, they were difficult to get made because the vast majority were unsuccessful. There was Tim Burton’s Batman the year before and the Superman franchise which started a decade before the Caped Crusader, but that was pretty much it. All the rest were either low-budget, stupid, cheesy or all of the above. Therefore, it was pretty easily one of the better movies the genre had ever produced. I think it’s severely underrated and still might be.

MY SCORE: 8/10

[dell71]

The Midnight Meat Train
Directed by Ryűhei Kitamura.
2008. Rated R, 100 minutes.
Cast:
Bradley Cooper
Leslie Bibb
Vinnie Jones
Brooke Shields
Barbare Eve Harris
Roger Bart
Quinton “Rampage” Jackson

Leon (Cooper) is an artistic photographer who is struggling with his craft. High-powered art dealer Susan Hoff (Shields) tells him that something is missing. He seems to find it when he goes prowling the streets at night and happens upon a woman being hassled by a group of thugs. After snapping a few pics he manages to get the lady out of harm’s way, for the time being. Soon, he discovers that she is a famous model and has gone missing. Of course, we already know that the psychopath riding a particular subway train and wielding a rather large blunt object literally made a bloody mess of her. Through some serious stalker work, our hero figures out who our psycho is and that he’s slaughtering people every night on this train.

The cat and mouse that develops between these two men is highly intriguing and tense. There’s also the question of Leon’s own sanity sliiping. He seems to be losing his grip on reality. His obsession with his craft and following this guy around is threatening his relationship with Maya (Bibb), as well.

Interspersed with all this are some beautifully grisly murders. Some of the blood splattering is obviously cgi but most other things in those scenes are very well done. There are some terrific images throughout. The point-of-view shot from the viewpoint of a person being decapitated is simply amazing.

When we get to the last act, we jump the shark. At some point all of this madness has to be explained. The explanation we get is among the lamest in cinematic history. To make matters worse, it’s not even fully explained. The basic question of why is unanswered. Of course, this is all to facilitate the stupid twist that ends the movie. What seemed to be an intelligent and unsettling horror film, possibly on the path to becoming one of the greats, instantaneously becomes one of the biggest letdowns in recent memory. I’ve since found out this is based on a Clive Barker story. Had I read the story, I might not be so disappointed. Either that, or I just wouldn’t have watched the movie. This is very much like my experience watching Sunshine. Therefore, I’ll give the same advice: If you love the twist, you’ll love the movie. For me, that twist is unlovable.

The Opposite View: Bill Gibron, PopMatters

What the Internet Says: 6.4/10 on imdb.com (8/1/10), 70% on rottentomatoes.com, 58/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

[red33]

^^^^

I liked the ending to midnight meat train then again i thought sunshine was an amazing movie.

[wingsfan77]

I watched Kick-Ass last night and really enjoyed it, I thought it had a nice blend of witty humor/action and the story was halfway decent. Plus it was my first movie on Blu-Ray with my new PS3 and HDMI cables so the picture was incredible

[Fox1994]

Didn't like The Men Who Stare at Goats huh? I thought it was pretty cool...

Haven't seen Dick Tracy in forever and a half. That movie's hella cool. Read a few of the comics way back in the day. lol.

Keep it up amigo.

[A Tasty Burgerr]

Couldn't agree more with The Men Who Stare at Goats. The premise seemed very unique and promising, but I just flat out didn't find the movie funny baring a couple scenes. I know it's meant to be a bizarre movie, but once the plot started to shape out it seemed more and more nonsensical. Hopefully Ewan McGregor will stay away from comedic roles in the future.

[dell71]

Our Family Wedding
Directed by Rick Famuyiwa.
2010. Rated PG-13, 103 minutes.
Cast:
Lance Gross
America Ferrera
Forest Whitaker
Carlos Mencia
Regina King
Diana Maria Riva
Lupe Ontiveros
Charlie Murphy

Marcus (Gross) and Lucia (Ferrera) are young, in love and getting married. First, they have to tell their respective families who have no idea that they’re even dating, let alone to tie the knot. There’s two other little details: he’s Black, she’s Mexican. Reacially charged hijinks and shenanigans ensue.

There’s nothing here we haven’t seen before. Each side cracks jokes about the other and do the same sorts of things we’ve seen in movies involving couples who are Black and White, White and anything else, Jewish and Catholic, Greek and Anglo, so on and so forth. The details change to fit the cultures being portrayed but everything important is pretty much the same.

Some amusement is derived from the scenes shared by our two fathers, played by Forest Whitaker and Carlos Mencia. Speaking of Mencia, he was okay in the role, but I just couldn’t help but wonder why the more family friendly, and actually Mexican, George Lopez wasn’t playing the part. Was he too busy or too smart?

As for the couple in question, they’re both hopelessly unmemorable. It’s no fault of the actors portraying them, they’re written that way. Gross and Ferrera are both more famous for their TV roles, Gross on “House of Payne” and Ferrera as the title character of “Ugly Betty.” They both did well enough, but they’re essentially supporting players in their own movie. It can be argued that that’s the point. Still, it feels like lazy writing. Why bother making them interesting when we can just have the two dads scream at one another, again.

All in all, it’s not necessarily a “bad” movie. It’s just shamelessly unoriginal. That said, it’s somewhat enjoyable in spite of itself. It’ll probably work “ok” for a movie night gathering when you’re looking for a light-hearted rom-com with just a hint of meanness in its humor.

The Opposite View: Stephanie Zacharek, Salon.com

What the Internet Says: 2.9/10 on imdb.com, 13% on rottentomatoes.com, 38/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 5/10

[dell71]

Sorority Row
Directed by Stewart Hendler.
2009. Rated R, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Briana Evigan
Leah Pipes
Rumer Willis
Jamie Chung
Audrina Patridge
Julian Morris
Margo Harshman
Carrie Fisher
Matt Lanter

During a sorority party, a prank goes terribly wrong and one of the most popular members of Theta Pi takes a tire iron through the chest. Since her sorority sisters and dim-witted boyfriend are to blame, but haven’t been witnessed, except by each other, they dump the body in a nearby mine shaft and pretend she’s gone missing. Nine months later, she has apparently risen from the dead and starts picking off her former friends. Oh yeah, this is your run of the mill chop ‘em up so she picks them off…(ahem)…(doing my best Vincent Price impersonation)…one…by…one, muwahahahah…(ahem)…sorry.


Anyhoo, the reality of it is it’s a not-as-good update of I Know What You Did Last Summer, but with almost all girls. By the way, those girls come straight from all those movies about teenagers in cliques. There’s the domineering blonde, the slut, the nerd, the Asian girl…hmmm. How they didn’t have the chubby girl or the Black girl is beyond me. Haven’t these people seen any of the High School Musical movies? Someone must’ve been asleep on the casting couch.

SR also borrows heavily from Scream. The ending is clearly inspired by it. In addition, where that movie uses 70s icon Henry Winkler, AKA The Fonz, this one uses Carrie Fisher, AKA Princess Leia. As the heavy drinkin’, shotgun totin’ house-mom she gets some of the best parts of the movie. Finally, Scream’s director Wes Craven should probably sue the makers of SR for the way the killer is dressed.

If it isn’t obvious, one shouldn’t expect much, other than what one watches these movies for – namely, seeing people get hacked up in creative ways. And for some, the opportunity to see bare breasts without the use of a website that’s potentially harmful to your computer. While there are enough boobies to keep the average boy somewhat interested, it falls woefully short in the death department. At the risk of promoting sadism, I have to say they’re not nearly spectacular enough. Even worse for a slasher fan, they’re often obscured from view by a wall, a sheet, the camera cutting away. I would expect this from a PG-13 money grab like the Prom Night remake but not in a low-budget R-rated hack flick that knows its bread is buttered by blood and guts.

Lame kill scenes combined with a storyline we’ve already seen in other, better movies render SR a rather ho-hum experience. In fact, you might have a hard time remembering what you just saw as the credits start to roll.

The Opposite View: Matthew Turner, ViewLondon

What the Internet Says: 5.1/10 on imdb.com (8/9/10), 23% on rottentomatoes.com, 24/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 3/10

SLASHER MOVIE SCORE: 5/10

[dell71]

The Black Gestapo
Directed by Lee Frost.
1975. Rated R, 88 minutes.
Cast:
Rod Perry
Charles P. Robinson
Phil Hoover
Angela Brent
Wes Bishop
Lee Frost
Donna Young
Uschi Digard

The Peoples’ Army is an all Black army in Watts, California trying to protect the community from the White gangsters who get a substantial cut of every dollar that moves within the city. It seems TPA is rather unsuccessful as the gangsters not only come and go as they please, they also do as they please to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

General Ahmed (Perry) is TPA’s leader. His girlfriend Marsha (Brent) is nearly raped by the bad guys. This prompts him to allow his second-in-command, Col. Kojah (Robinson) to head up a special security force with a few handpicked men. The colonel is sick of his boss’ reactionary and seemingly passive leadership and decides to be more productive.

What starts out as just another Blaxploitation flick where the endgame is simply “stickin’ it to The Man” throws us a curveball. We get a very nice twist that elevates it above most of its genre. While doing so, it still maintains much of the silliness the genre is known for: unintentional humor, cheesy 70s music and gratuitous female nudity. Speaking of females, they really get the short end of the stick, pardon the pun. The movie can certainly be construed as misogynistic. Another flaw is our hero. He seems too weak to even hold the position he does, let alone go all Schwarzenegger-in-Commando like the way he does.

To the good is the surprisingly sharp dialogue. There’s plenty of 70s lingo and some of it is indeed corny. Still, there are enough lines that actually qualify as good writing which places this a cut above its contemporaries. In all, it’s a very flawed movie. It’s flawed enough to be so bad, it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

[dell71]

Percy Jackson & the Olympians:
The Lightning Thief
Directed by Chris Columbus.
2010. Rated PG, 118 minutes.
Cast:
Logan Lerman
Brandon T. Jackson
Alexandra Daddario
Pierce Brosnan
Sean Bean
Steve Coogan
Catherine Keener
Rosario Dawson
Joe Pantoliano
Uma Thurman

Someone has stolen Zeus’s lightning bolt. He’s so pissed, he warns Poseidon that if he doesn’t get it back soon, there will be hades to pay. See, Zeus believes that Poseidon’s son is the culprit. Poseidon’s son is none other than Percy Jackson (Lerman), a high school kid who thinks he’s just an ordinary joe whose life sucks. He’s got a slight case of ADHD and apparently severe dyslexia. However, we soon discover that the writers are fans of The Facts of Life because no one in this movie is handicapped, they’re “handi-capable.” If you’re under 30, you probably don’t get that joke, but whatever. Laugh now, google it later.

This is a classic case of the filmmakers trying to keep us from thinking about the lame-brained script by distracting us with lots of shiny objects. Yes, it’s action-packed almost literally from wall to wall. With beautifully rendered creatures and exciting battles scenes, it’s generally a fun watch.

It’s also incredibly stupid. Things that make no sense kepp happening. There seems to be no logical explanation for many of the things people do. This includes actually trying to kill each other during training excercises. Imagine young soldiers in training actually shooting one another with live rounds. That doesn’t make any sense, now does it?

There are other problems, as well. The attempts at comic relief are horrendous, our heroine evidently likes having a guy that can smack her around and the sidekick has a horrible case of “Magical Negro” disease. If you’re unfamiliar with that particular stereotype, the “Magical Negro” is a black character in American literature or cinema with special powers whose sole purpose is to protect and/or enrich the life of the white protagonist. Think The Legend of Bagger Vance or The Green Mile. While that aspect of those films is bothersome, it worked because they were generally well-written stories whether they used stereotypes or not. In a lesser movie such as this, it’s closer to being an unforgivable offense.

The bottom line on Percy Jackson is it’s often dazzling to “look at” but if you’re over 12, it’s probably a chore to “watch”. Oh, since I know you’re smarter than I, when you see it, or if you’ve already seen it, please explain to me how Pierce Brosnan’s character ever sat in a wheelchair.

The Opposite View: Mary Pols, Time

What the Internet Says: 5.8/10 on imdb.com (8/11/10), 50% on rottentomatoes.com, 47/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 4.5/10

[dell71]

Brooklyn's Finest
Directed Antoine Fuqua.
2010. Rated R, 132 minutes.
Cast:
Don Cheadle
Ethan Hawke
Richard Gere
Wesley Snipes
Will Patton
Lili Taylor
Ellen Barkin
Wass Stevens
Vincent D’Onofrio

Three Brooklyn police officers with various problems try to do their jobs and gain control of their personal lives. Tango (Cheadle) is so deep undercover he’s starting to forget who he is. Sal (Hawke) is trying desperately to move his family into a bigger, better house. Not only does he already have six kids, his wife Angela (Taylor) is pregnant. Finally, Eddie (Gere) is a mere week away from retirement. Apathy has set in. He’s also a heavy drinker who happens to be in love with a prostitute.

The question of right and wrong is at the heart of all three stories. More importantly, what the benefits are of each and just who is actually benefiting is analyzed. As we follow these three men, these themes arise time and again. Actually reaping rewards for your work is something that seems just out of reach.

Antoine Fuqua, most known for directing Training Day, crafts another engaging cop drama with three situations that feel genuine and have no easy solutions. In fact, many have compared this to TD but I think that’s a mistake. BF is told in a similar style but is a very different film. TD is much more black and white. There is very clearly a hero and a villain. Here, there are plenty of villains. However, it seems that other villains control our her0es. The powers that be are as self-centered and self-preserving as the criminals they purport to hunt.

If there is a movie BF reminds me of, it’s The Departed. Don’t go getting your panties in a bunch. I’m not saying this is anywhere near as good. I am saying that the storyline with Tango is similar as are the fireworks that play out at the end.

Don’t go looking for a Steven Soderbergh style linking of the stories, either. They’re only connected by proximity. None of our three leads seems to know either of the others and only pass one another on the streets a couple times while on their disconnected paths. I suspect this is the source of much of the hatred directed towards this movie since this gives it a disjointed feel. When we come back to one storyline or another we realize it’s been a long time since. In addition, we keep waiting to see how the stories are linked and though it happens physically, it never does on any level worthy of our anticipation. It could just have easily been three separate movies.

Our three leads all turned in outstanding work. There doesn’t seem to be a sour note hit. It is also nice to see the return of Wesley Snipes from his problems with the IRS and the straight-to-DVD hell his career was stuck in. Among the supporting players, Ellen Barkin stood out and displayed a commanding presence during her few scenes.

For me, it’s a thoroughly enjoyable experience. It seems to have received a lot of negative backlash for some of the reasons I gave above. It’s also not one of the best crime dramas of all time, like it was hyped to be. Still, it is a lot more cerebral with less action and more to think about than TD. Like I said, there are no easy answers. The masses tend to shy away from puzzles that aren’t solved for them.

The Opposite View: Kerry Lengel, Arizona Republic

What the Internet Says: 7.0/10 on imdb.com (8/11/10), 43% on rottentomatoes.com, 43/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 7.5/10

[Fox1994]

Is it really that good? I mean, I wanted to see it, Buzzman thought very, very, very lowly of it, and I hold his review opinion almost as high as yours.