Dell's Good, Bad & Ugly Movie Reviews

[dell71]

Really? I thought it was the opposite.

In the Woody Allen movies I've seen, his characters were always the primary cause of their problems, but never owned up and just blamed them on other things. They were funny, but not very likable. I liked the main character in Midnight in Paris though, he seemed more laid back. Repeatedly mentions that his short comings are his own fault.

I can see that. To me, whether or not his characters were the cause of their problems he always had a "woe is me" attitude" that kinda worked for him, and us. Wilson's character in MiP was way more of a wide-eyed enthusiast obviously enjoying the fantastic things happening to him. Woody always seemed pained by whatever was going on.

 

[dell71]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1
<strong>Directed by Bill Condon.</strong>
<em>2011. Rated PG-13, 117 minutes.
Cast:
Kristen Stewart
Robert Pattinson
Taylor Lautner
Ashley Greene
Peter Facinelli
Jackson Rathbone
Billy Burke
Gil Birmingham
Michael Sheen
Anna Kendrick
Maggie Grace</em>​

For no discernible reason other than money, the fourth book in the “Twilight” series is broken into two movies. Seriously, what’s here could’ve easily been condensed into half a flick. An entire two hours wasn’t needed. Oh well, since no one was kind enough to kill me before my latest trip to one of those endangered species known as a Blockbuster store, here I am reviewing <em>The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1</em>. Ah, the things fathers do for their little girls.

At the risk of spoiling the first three movies in one fell swoop, this one begins with the wedding every tween and early-teen girl proclaiming themselves members of “Team Edward” has been clamoring for. Bella (Stewart) finally manages to drag her vampire beau Edward (Pattinson) to the altar. In general, movie weddings are so overwrought and gaudy they turn my stomach. At first glance, this is no different. However, the rest of the franchise has been so overwhelmingly depressing with its oppressive depiction of young love that anything even remotely joyous happening is a welcome change. Well, werewolf Jacob (Lautner), the third side of our love triangle isn’t too pleased. Hey, we can’t all be winners.

The big deal about Edward and Bella joining one another in holy matrimony is that for three movies now we’ve been hearing that once the “I dos” have been said the new hubby will turn his bride into a vampire. She’s been begging for it practically since the day she met him. As many of you know, and I’ve noted before, vampirism in the Twilightverse is a thinly veiled metaphor for sex. That means everything we’ve seen so far has been an unrelenting advocacy of abstinence until marriage. Fine by me. I do have daughters, after all. However, another possible metaphor occurred to me. More on that, later. For the time being, just know that Bella suddenly decides to wait until after the honeymoon before becoming one of the undead.

Now that the two most morose lovebirds in cinematic history are married, they finally get to do the oochie-coochie. For a few minutes, <em>Breaking Dawn – Part 1</em> is genuinely cute. My older daughter commented with shock how Bella was actually smiling. The movie then swims into some decidedly adult waters by giving us a love scene. For the first time in the series, the boundaries of the PG-13 rating are put to the test.

Since happiness is not tolerated in the Twilightverse, marital bliss doesn’t last too long. Sex with hubby leaves poor Bella all bruised up. It also leaves her pregnant. Never you mind whether or not that’s possible (even Edward’s not so sure). It is what it is. Lest you forget this is a franchise predicated on the idea that lovemaking must have dire consequences, being pregnant with a half-vampire isn’t enough. It’s killing mom from inside her own body. In typical series fashion, we spend the next 45 minutes to an hour watching Bella die while everyone around her wrings their hands and tries to figure out how to save her. We’re told it’s too late to turn her into the very creature she’s aspired to be for the last few years.

Here is where I get back into metaphors. Maybe it’s because by this point I’m bored to tears. Regardless of why, a thought struck me. Go ahead and call me silly. What I’m getting at is merely a possible interpretation I may have concocted out of thin air. Since the abstinence ship has sailed, could we be on to a diatribe against mixed marriages? Okay, now forget about it.

Anyhoo, the werewolves are none too pleased about the potential addition to the Cullen clan, that’s the vampires in case you somehow didn’t know. They decide the only way to deal with this problem is by killing both mother and child. To be perfectly honest, the wolves had been the one aspect of the series I’ve enjoyed. That changes drastically with this installment. This mostly has to do with them talking while in wolf form. Actually, I think they’re communicating by telepathy since their mouths don’t move. Any of you who’ve read the books, feel free to clue me in at any time. For that matter, explain this whole business of “imprinting”, too. They said it a thousand times and I think I get it, but I must’ve missed the explanation. The bottom line is the wolves come off extraordinarily goofy this time. Taylor Lautner must sense this. He’s so distraught that other than a quick nipple shot in the first few seconds he spends the entire movie with his shirt on. So much for giving your target audience what they want.

<em>Breaking Dawn – Part 1</em> continues the tradition of bludgeoning its audience into misery. After all, that particular emotion loves company. <em>The Twilight Saga</em> is nothing, if not a bunch of miserable beings trying to miserize each other to death. “Miserize”? The “Twilightverse”? Dear Lord, I’m so bored I’m making up words to entertain myself but I can’t stop watching. It’s only fitting. This series has beaten all sense, intelligence and joy out of me. Yet, I dutifully sit with my family through each addition to the canon. I’m like a kidnap victim with Stockholm syndrome taking a twisted liking to his captor. Like a submissive eagerly awaiting a beating from a dominatrix I’m morbidly anxious for <em>Breaking Dawn – Part 2</em>. I’m like a character in the franchise. I make my way through each film in an emotionless manner other than the pained look on my face. Knowing the films themselves hate me, I still press on. Perhaps just to be able to say that I really did see them all when I proclaim undying hatred for all things <em>Twilight</em>, I am looking forward to enduring more cinematic wounds. Help me.

<strong>MY SCORE: 3.5/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Trip with the Teacher
<strong>Directed by Earl Barton.</strong>
<em>1975. Rated R, 91 minutes.
Cast:
Zalman King
Brenda Fogarty
Cathy Worthington
Robert Porter
Robert Gribbin
Susan Russell
Jack Driscoll
Jill Voight
Dina Ousley
Ed Cross</em>​

If you’re familiar with my reviews of B-movies then you know that I watched way too much Skinemax back in the 80s and 90s. For those unfamiliar, Skinemax is a euphemism for the soft core adult flicks that cable network Cinemax aired pretty late on Friday and Saturday nights. Do they still do this? I haven’t that channel in years. What I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned is that I also spent some time watching their main competitor in the boobie movie arena: Showtime. One of Showtime’s main draws was a series called <em>Zalman King’s The Red Shoes Diaries</em>. Wham bam, thank you ma’am – get your pseudo-porn fix in thirty minute installments. FYI, none of the episodes were related in any manner other than the prevailing theme. Almost all of them revolved around a woman having some sort of sexual awakening or fantasy and also narrating the story. We’re not talking Emmy quality TV, but if you’re still up and at home at 2 AM on the weekend then it’s infinitely more interesting than watching Sports Center for the umpteenth time in a row.

Fast forward to a much more recent sleepless night. While digging feverishly through the DVD vault I latch on to one of the grindhouse collections I’m just crazy enough to own. It’s a 2 disc set with 4 movies on each disc. I’ve watched and reviewed three of the movies on Disc 1: <em>The Pick Up, The Teacher</em> and <em>Best Friends</em>. I’ve done the same for <em>Malibu High</em> on disc 2. Since I’m a bit of a completist, it only make sense to watch the last of the four from the first disc, <em>Trip with the Teacher</em>. I hit the play button and whaddya know? Our feature presentation stars none other than Zalman King. It has to be the same guy, right? I mean, how many Zalman Kings could there be? I’m willing to bet Zalman King has never met another Zalman King that wasn’t related to or named after him.

Our boy Z, produced all of and directed most episodes of “The Red Shoes Diaries”. He does have a few mainstream successes to his unique name. Of course, they’re also on the risqué side. King directed <em>Two Moon Junction</em>, <em>Wild Orchid</em> and is one of the writers of the iconic <em>9 ½ Weeks</em>. Here, he’s just an actor. In fact, he gets to play Al, the villain. Suffice it to say that I can see why he went into producing and directing. Still, his is arguably the best performance in <em>TwtT</em> despite the fact that he mumbles all of his lines for the first third of the film, and screams them the rest of the way. It’s like he suddenly transforms from <em>King of the Hill’s</em> Boomhauer to Jack Nicholson’s Joker.

Al is not only a psycho, he oozes craziness from the moment we see him. He’s not terribly bright, either. He and his even less smart brother Pete (Porter) happen upon a school bus with a group of young girls waving wildly and smiling at the two of them plus Jay (Gribbin), the guy they just met because he helped fix Jay’s flat tire. Sorry, I forgot to mention that the trio is riding motorcycles. You know how much young chicks dig bikes. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

Lo and behold, the boys stop at the same gas station as the bus. By the way, the bus contains four teenaged girls, one adult female teacher, Ms. Tenny (Fogarty) and Marvin the bus driver (Driscoll). Despite the fact that the guys all look 30 and the gals all look 16, everyone except Ms. Tenny and Marvin gets their flirt on. The bus scoots off while the guys hang back, still getting gas and stuff. By the way, “and stuff” is a term only used in highbrow literature. You’re reading a pro here, folks. Anyhoo, Al takes this opportunity to sneak off and quietly kill the gas attendant/mechanic for giving them a little lip. Trust me, the sleaze is only beginning to drip at this point.

A few miles down the road, the bus breaks down. When the guys catch up, Pete tries to figure out what’s wrong with the thing and decides the fuel pump is busted. Since this is the 70s and there are no cell phones, the boys begrudgingly agree to tow the bus. Yup, you read that right. They whip out some rope from I don’t know where, hook their bikes to the bus and take off in a manner that totally looks like someone is just driving the bus slowly behind them. Never mind that. All you really need to know is that the guys tow them to an abandoned shack in the middle of nowhere. Once there, we get to see Al in all his glory.

Not long after arriving at the shack, Al and Pete kill Marvin the bus driver and knock out Jay, who’s actually a nice guy. The obviously scared school girls try to formulate an escape plan without consulting the teacher. The easy one among them then decides this is as good opportunity to “get some”. Well, not exactly, she has another plan. It’s not a particularly good plan, but a plan nonetheless. She tries to distract Al with her feminine wiles in hopes of getting him out of the way so the rest of the girls can…I don’t know what they think they’re gonna do, so whatever. Ol’ Al is not quite as dumb as a box of rocks, but still horny. He starts screaming at the easy girl to take off her clothes right there in front of everyone. Sufficiently petrified, she does. What’s Ms. Tenny doing while this is going on? Oh just sitting in the corner watching it go down. Apparently, her brain jumps back into her head just before the easy girl is completely naked, she remembers psycho Al doesn’t have a gun and she intervenes. None too deterred, Al drags the teacher into the next room, beats her with a belt while yanking her clothes off then raping her.

Let’s pause, shall we? From the sentence in the previous paragraph that starts with “He starts screaming,” things get uncomfortable for the viewer. At least, they did for me. Make no mistake, the movie is pure grindhouse, but the tone of this section is too dire to take the edge off what we’re seeing. The acting is just good enough to make us a bit queasy. Methinks the filmmakers found a way to really put a fright into our cast of young girls. They’re performances are unremarkable elsewhere, but during this little portion they’re downright believable. This also happens in one other scene. A little later, Al runs down one of the girls who makes a break for it. After smacking her around a bit, by the way he’s visibly missing most of the time despite what we hear, and the obligatory tearing of her blouse he knocks her to the ground, face down. He then sits on her back and pushes down on the back of her head until she’s suffocated by the dirt. It’s a bit protracted and again a little too realistic for comfort. This is coming from a guy who practically grew up on slasher flicks. In those movies, and lots of shoot ‘em ups, the violence is indeed graphic. However, its often so over the top with equally ridiculous sound effects that it has a tongue-in-cheek quality. The remake of <em>Piranha</em> is a perfect example of this. Without that cheekiness, there are a few moments where <em>TwtT</em> veers from having a twisted sense of humor to just being twisted. It can be unsettling.

Thankfully, the rest of the movie is unintentionally hilarious, for the most part. The screenplay is a total hack job. The sleaze just drips off most frames and our boy Z chews up the scenery with relentless ferocity. There may be one performance better than his, though. Brenda Fogarty actually does solid work as the teacher. The script doesn’t give her much to work with, but she does a pretty good job with what’s there. Judging from this, I can see her having gone on to more legitimate roles. With that, let’s go to good ol’ imdb.com and see what else is on her resume. Um, nevermind. Let’s move on. Oh, what did I find? Alright, if you must know she’s appeared in a few classics such as <em>If You Don’t Stop It…You’ll Go Blind, All Night Long, Chesty Anderson U.S. Navy</em> and <em>The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington</em>, to name a few. Hey, I’ve seen that last one. Don’t judge me.

Compared to the rest of the cast this is actually a pretty good filmography. For instance, one of our girls is played by Jill Voight. You know I just had to look her up to see if she’s related to Jon Voight and Angelina Jolie. Of course, she’s not. However, I see that she was able to parlay this little success into a few episodes of <em>One Life to Live</em> and winning the coveted role of “Extra Counselor #6” in <em>Friday the 13th Part II</em>. Nice. Okay, I confess. A couple others did have decent careers. Cathy Worthington has been appearing in TV movies and as a guest on various series for nearly 40 years. And you can’t forget our boy Z.

Make no mistake, our <em>Trip with the Teacher</em> is a wild ride that stays in the exploitation lane. Every now and again it drifts into uncomfortability when things get a tad too serious. Thankfully, some riotously horrible scenes snatch us back from the ledge, reminding us we’re in the land of the absurd. Therefore, despite a couple bumps in the road, it’s so bad it’s awesome!

<strong>MY SCORE: -10/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Cowboys & Aliens
<strong>Directed by Jon Favreau.</strong>
<em>2011. Rated PG-13, 118 minutes.
Cast:
Daniel Craig
Harrison Ford
Olivia Wilde
Sam Rockwell
Paul Dano
Clancy Brown
Keith Carradine
Noah Ringer
Adam Beach
Abigail Spencer
Ana de la Reguera</em>​

Occasionally, I go into a movie not really knowing what to expect. Such is the case when I sit down to watch <em>Cowboys & Aliens</em>. Yup, it’s yet another movie based on a graphic novel I’m not cool enough to even have heard of. Judging by the title, I sorta think I’m in for a wild, campy ride that’s possibly so bad it’s awesome. Let’s be honest, <em>Cowboys & Aliens</em> doesn’t exactly scream art house cinema. On top of that, Jon Favreau is the director. He’s injected so much well-timed humor into the <em>Iron Man</em> franchise it should be easy doing the same for something with such a kooky title. Then again, the star is Daniel Craig. As an actor, I’ve seen him in a number of different guises: action hero, crusading reporter, lover of old women, etc. A barrel of laughs, he is not. Sure enough, once the movie starts it’s pretty obvious we’re playing things straight.

Our hero wakes up quite literally in the middle of nowhere and remembers nothing of his life to that point except how to fight. We gather that from the way he handles the trio of bumpkins who happen upon him. More importantly, he notices a futuristic metallic bracelet locked onto his left wrist. He wanders to the nearest town, learns his name is Jake (Craig, duh) and he’s an outlaw. We get a few scenes to establish Jake as a real badass then the aliens show up. A bunch of townspeople get snatched up, Jake’s bracelet seems to activate on its own and he takes down one of the extraterrestrial planes by firing a blast from it. One of those abducted is Percy Dolarhyde (Dano). He’s the son of wealthy, ruthless cattleman Colonel Woodrow Dolarhyde (Ford). Don’t call him colonel, though. He hates that. As always, there’s a girl. This one is named Ella (Wilde). She seems to know more than Jake about his own past. The two of them plus the grumpy old colonel set off trying to find the missing folk.

Aside from the fact that all the good guys ride horses and fire six shooters or shotguns, Jake’s bracelet aside, <em>C & A</em> isn’t much different from other alien invasion flicks. The creatures exist merely to destroy everything in their path. Humans exist merely to stop them. Playing it straight, without even a hint of satire or self-awareness dictates that this is how it must be. It’s uniqueness is completely tied to its setting. The storytelling and characters are all fairly stock. It helps that Harrison Ford is exceptional in his role and gives us much of the humor. A few of the bit characters are also great in this regard. Daniel Craig is a fine actor, but doesn’t give us anything special. He’s pretty much doing Bond in a western. Olivia Wilde is pretty. Sorry, that’s all she gives us. It’s a Megan Fox-like performance: a gorgeous face doing nothing.

What’s left then, are the action scenes. They come frequently enough and entertain. The mixture of old-school western and high-tech aliens gives us an interesting juxtaposition. They’re never a preposterous pair. Though these scenes are fun, they’re hardly tense. They should be, particularly when humans are getting snatched off their horses and appear like tails on a kite as they trail the alien ships. However, it rarely rises above the level of “did you see that?” That works out okay. I guess. However, it would be so much better if we could not only see it, but actually feel it. We never do. Part of the problem is that like most recent movie aliens, the invaders are faceless and seemingly thoughtless snarling creatures that do little to justify the higher intelligence assigned to them. The humans only fare slightly better.

The whole thing does what it sets out to do, but fails to set itself apart. It feels like a massive opportunity has been missed. The alien invasion genre is ripe for skewering. Clichés are abundant, even within this film. There is ample material to examine. <em>C & A</em> never attempts anything deeper and/or funnier than a straightforward affair. It takes an inventive premise and does nothing with it, satisfied with being run-of-the-mill. At being run-of-the-mill, it’s not terrible. It moves along quickly and supplies us with a solid amount of visual thrills. It’s light on the chills, but fun enough to compensate. For a movie night gathering, it should do the trick. It’s just a shame that something with the potential to be so memorable is so not.

<strong>MY SCORE: 5/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Think Like a Man
<strong>Directed by Tim Story.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated PG-13, 122 minutes.
Cast:
Taraji P. Henson
Gabrielle Union
Kevin Hart
Meagan Good
Regina Hall
Michael Ealy
Jerry Ferrara
Romany Malco
Terrence J
Gary Owen
La La Anthony
Chris Brown
Arielle Kebbel</em>​

The battle of the sexes rages on. <em>Think Like a Man</em> takes the phrase quite literally. It’s based on the relationship advice book for women <em>Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man</em> by famed comedian and “Family Feud” host Steve Harvey. It never lets you forget this fun fact. More on that later. The movie focuses on a group of young men and women at various stages of their love lives. The guys are a tight knit bunch who discuss their successes and failures with women over many games of basketball. Rest assured, there is far more chit-chat than basketball. Afterwards, they continue their conversation at their favorite bar. The women are broken into three sets of two. One woman from two of those sets and one of the guys is totally irrelevant. The ladies that matter see Steve Harvey dropping pearls of wisdom during a television interview and decide to go out and purchase his book. It must be a real page turner because it seems they all have it read moments after coming into its possession. Armed with the knowledge Mr. Harvey has imparted upon them, they wage war on the men in their lives in hopes of straightening them up. Of course, all of their guys belong to that tight knit group. Keep up.

There are a good deal of laughs to be had. Almost all of them come courtesy of Cedric (Hart). Ironically, he’s one of the least relevant male characters as it pertains to plot. However, he has to be here because he provides the overwhelming majority of the comedy in this romantic comedy. His character is nearing the finalization of his divorce. He bad mouths his ex, hangs out at strip clubs and warns his buddies about dealing with their woman. He also serves as one of the narrators. In this role, he provides a running commentary on all the goings-on.

Everyone else handles the romance. The girls quote passages from the book, plot and make their next move. The boys are caught off guard and react poorly to what the ladies are doing. Eventually they discover the book for themselves and form their own strategies. Most of this unfolds in an enjoyable, if predictable manner. Like most rom-coms it has an air of inevitability about it because we know that no matter how contentious things get all of our princes and princesses will live happily ever after. It’s when the movie transitions from warfare to reconciliation that it drags badly. This is mostly due to the large number of storylines to be wrapped up. After all, we have to see that magic moment when a couple realizes they can’t live without each other play out five times.

The bigger problem with the movie is all the narration. Kevin Hart is only one of the people fulfilling the role of narrator. Steve Harvey himself serves as the second. He pops up every so often on a TV screen to quote his own work and set us up for the next scene. The effect is two-fold. First, it becomes a film that doesn’t trust its audience to follow the action on its own. Viewers are spoon-fed everything the film wants us to know from beginning to end. Second, it begins to feel like a long commercial for the book. Honestly, it gets more screen time than most of the actors and never more than a few moments pass before someone explicitly mentions it.

Beneath the issues, there is a fun but predictable movie. It never really threatens to be anything more. However, it is also nothing less. It earns extra-credit from me for a couple of jokes at Tyler Perry’s expense. <em>TLaM</em> is one of the increasingly rare movies to feature a predominantly black cast and not have his name attached. As such, it offers a different perspective on black life and a different style of storytelling. It’s no more or less valid than Perry’s work but a desperately needed complement. Hopefully, this will inspire Hollywood to widen the spectrum on what types of stories are produced not only about blacks but about other ethnicities, as well. Of course, the danger here is that powers that be will do what they always do and simply start cloning a few successful films. On that, my fingers are crossed but I’m not holding my breath.

<strong>MY SCORE: 6/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

The Conspirator
<strong>Directed by Robert Redford.</strong>
<em>2011. Rated PG-13, 122 minutes.
Cast:
James McAvoy
Robin Wright
Kevin Kline
Tom Wilkinson
Evan Rachel Wood
Danny Huston
Justin Long
Colm Meaney
Norman Reedus
Alexis Bledel
Johnny Simmons</em>​

Following the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln, a number of suspects are round up and tried for conspiracy to commit the crime. Among them is Mary Surratt (Wright) who runs a boarding house frequented by many of her co-defendants. Former Union officer Frederick Aiken (McAvoy) has just become an attorney. Reluctantly, he agrees to defend the widowed Mrs. Surratt at the request/command of his boss Reverdy Johnson (Wilkinson). Courtroom drama based on a true story ensues.

Like most films centered around a trial, the acting has to be superb for it to have a chance. Thanks to its performers, <em>The Conspirator</em> has a chance. James McAvoy plays the male lead and does well. However, his is one of the weaker portrayals. Kevin Kline (as Sec. of War Edwin Stanton) and Tom Wilkinson both turn in outstanding work, as does Colm Meaney and Evan Rachel Wood. Justin Long is miscast but acquits himself well enough.

The true star here is Robin Wright as Surratt. She perfectly conveys a woman resigned to her fate. From the beginning, it appears she’ll be convicted whether or not she’s guilty. Her young lawyer feels that her best defense is incriminating her son, the lone suspect still unaccounted for. She vehemently opposes this course of action. This makes Aiken’s job even more difficult than it already is. Through it all, Wright rings true. She never hits a sour note. It’s a nuanced, subtle performance. It is not the type of big, showy portrayal we saw in <em>The Help</em> or <em>The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo</em>, the latter of which includes more strong work from Wright. In my humble opinion it’s quietly one of 2011’s best.

As good as the acting is, it doesn’t completely save <em>The Conspirator</em>. The story drags and is a bit repetitive with a number of conversations about the “best defense.” Battle lines are a little too clearly drawn as the prosecution and the Sec. of War are clearly positioned as heartless villains who rig the trial only because the script requires them to be bad guys. History buffs, of course, may bristle at some of the other narrative liberties taken with known facts.

Even with its flaws, <em>The Conspirator</em> is a solid film that tells a good tale. During courtroom scenes and the ones where McAvoy and Wright interact the movie sizzles. It helps that we’re examining a piece of American history that hasn’t been rehashed for the screen a thousand times already. As such, it gives us something to ponder. What would we have done if we were in any of their shoes?

<strong>MY SCORE: 6.5/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

13 Assassins
<strong>Directed by Takashi Miike.</strong>
<em>2010. Not Rated 141 minutes.
Cast:
Kôji Yashuko
Gorô Inagaki
Takayuki Yamada
Mikijiro Hira
Masachika Ichimura
Hiroki Matsukata
Ikki Sawamura
Arata Furuta
Tsuyoshi Ihara
Masataka Kubota</em>​

There’s been peace for quite some time in 19th century Japan. However, the looming promotion of Lord Naritsugu (Inagaki) threatens to bring back “the age of war”. He’s a member of nobility about to ascend into greater power by virtue of the family he belongs to. Unfortunately, he’s also a homicidal psychopath making victims of peasants all across the land. To stop his reign of terror, Sir Doi (Hira) hires Shinzaemon Shimada (Yakusho), a samurai, to assassinate Lord Naritsugu. Since the lord is well guarded at all times, Shimada recruits a number of other samurai to help until their numbers reach 13. Even so, they face long odds as the lord routinely travels with about 70 men defending his person. Our heroes have their work cut out for them and they’re more than willing to die for the cause.

Director Takashi Miike is known for going over the top, often at a relentless pace. He usually offers us a string of delightfully disgusting visuals. <em>13 Assassins</em> does this, but in much different manner than he normally goes about things. The storytelling is wonderfully patient for first two acts then completely goes for broke during a third act solely consisting of an extended battle scene.

Early on, we meet and learn a bit about our principles. We watch Shimada go through the recruitment process. We also meet Hanbei (Ichimura), a samurai who is head of security for Lord Naritsugu and no less willing to die to do his job. He gets wind of the assassination attempt and fills us in on how great a warrior Shimada is. One of the great samurai codes is firmly established: whether one lives or dies, he must do so honorably and in complete loyalty to those he serves. During this portion of the movie we’re intrigued but little happens in the way of action. Most of what does cements in our minds that Lord Naritsugu is thoroughly and irredeemably evil. The things he does to those powerless to stop him are beyond appalling. To tell you that you will hate him is understating things by quite a bit.

The second act consists of strategizing. The good guys devise a plan to track and trap the lord. The bad guys try to anticipate what’s coming and make countermoves. Back and forth the advantage swings. It’s an interesting chess match that comes oh so close to wearing out its welcome. We can feel the outburst of action coming but Miike holds off as long as can. Just Every time it seems confrontation can no longer be avoided something causes a delay. The assassins themselves can barely take it. Like us, they’re itching for battle. They have a job to do, if only Shimada will let them do it.

As if sensing how close the audience is to restlessness, Miike finally brings us to the tipping point: that moment when a violent showdown is not only inevitable but imminent. Even though the bad guys numbers have almost tripled, our heroes have no choice but to spring into action. Simply put, all hell breaks loose. By hell I mean roughly 45 uninterrupted minutes of what we came for: samurai action. It’s an ambitious decision to put almost all of your action at the end of the film. Here, it pays major dividends. That’s because even though we came for the swordplay, we stay because of the characters, their strict code of ethics, the game of hide and seek the sides play with each other and of course, we really hate Lord Naritsugu. We’re earnestly rooting for our heroes.

<em>13 Assassins</em> has been compared to <em>Seven Samurai</em>. Indeed, it was inspired by the classic and some have even called it a remake. Some of the personalities of the good guys feel as if they were taken directly from Kurosawa’s film and the style is reminiscent of it, as well. Like <em>SS</em>, most of the action is backloaded to the latter portions of the film. Though it’s not quite as patient as <em>SS</em> which stretches to well over three hours, <em>13 Assassins</em> is a very restrained effort more fit for today’s audiences shaving more than 60 minutes off of the former’s runtime. It’s remarkable that it comes from Miike, a director not known for self-control. Holding back the action and giving us plenty more intriguing things in its place draws us in is an ambitious decision that pays off. When we finally get to the battle, it’s made so much better by the fact that we actually care who wins.

<strong>MY SCORE: 9/10</strong>​

 

[Houston]

Lovely 13 Assassins review, makes me wanna see it again. I think Naritsugu is the best villain of the decade so far, don't know anyone who's even close. Also the final fight scene was one of the best I've seen in a long time. Even the aftermath of it I thought was handled perfectly.

Shame it didn't get more attention.

 

[dell71]

It definitely deserves more attention.

 

[dell71]

The Ides of March
<strong>Directed by George Clooney.</strong>
<em>2011. Rated R, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Ryan Gosling
George Clooney
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Paul Giamatti
Marisa Tomei
Evan Rachel Wood
Jeffrey Wright
Max Minghella
Michael Mantell</em>​

Stephen (Gosling) is a young hotshot in the world of campaign managing. He’s trying to help Governor Mike Morris (Clooney) win the presidential nomination of the Democrats. At this task he’s second in command to Paul (Hoffman). Together, they work against the force of evil known as Duffy (Giamatti) who manages their opponent’s campaign. The reason they get to be the good guys is because their candidate is not just a good guy, he’s a great guy. Even Duffy acknowledges this on several occasions. Stephen is so smitten, he’s sure the governor will “take back the world” should he become commander-in-chief.

Don’t worry, things aren’t all so black and white. A major conflict in the story is whether or not our young jedi will turn to the dark side. After all, you’re not really good at your job if no one else wants to hire you. Of course, there’s also a love story. Or, is it a lust story? Either way, like the rest of the movie, things start innocently enough and eventually get very messy.

The various messes are handled nicely. Strangely, the twists and turns that create them aren’t of the totally unexpected sort. In fact, we can kind of see them coming. The intrigue comes from seeing how the people on the screen will handle the curves their lives throw them. We say “I knew it” to ourselves when circumstances change. After this, we’re fully vested in the answer to our rhetorical question: Whaddya do now?

Many of us are jaded enough to believe there are no heroes in politics, only villains. We think the people in all aspects of the game are all relentlessly pursuing their own best interests under the guise of working for the betterment of society. They’re constantly hiding things because they need us to believe the words coming out of their mouths. Their livelihood depends on it. Never is this more true than in a presidential election year. Jobs are won and lost. Fame and infamy are gained. The direction of the nation is swayed. This is true whether we’re talking about the politicians themselves, the people who run and work for their campaigns or the journalists who cover them. <em>The Ides of March</em> drags us into the muck with fantastic results.

<strong>MY SCORE: 8.5/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

My biggest problem with MiP was that it felt far too superficial. We meet all these fantastic historical characters, but they are only caricatures of themselves. Hemingway is a war affected man's man, Picasso is crazy, etc etc.

Forgot to mention it, but you're right about this.

 

[dell71]

The Avengers
<strong>Directed by Joss Whedon.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated PG-13, 143 minutes.
Cast:
Robert Downey Jr.
Samuel L. Jackson
Chris Hemsworth
Chris Evans
Scarlett Johansson
Mark Ruffalo
Jeremy Renner
Tom Hiddleston
Clark Gregg
Stellan Skarsgard
Cobie Smulders
Gwyneth Paltrow</em>​

If you’ve paid any attention at all to superhero movies then you know that both <em>Iron Man</em> movies, <em>Thor</em> and <em>Captain America: The First Avenger</em> are all setups for <em>The Avengers</em>. Three of them were very good. Only <em>Iron Man 2</em> was a bit subpar, but I still like it. However, other than the first <em>IM</em>, they all feel incomplete. Well, here is there collective conclusion. Sort of.

Like in the <em>Transformers</em> movies, our heroes must come together to regain possession of an all-powerful thingamajig. This one does all sorts of neat things. Thor’s evil half-brother Loki (Hiddleston) drops into good guy headquarters, steals the thing and takes off.

Never one to take things lying down, Nick Fury (an eye-patched Samuel L. Jackson), the Geppetto to the superpowered Pinocchios, calls in Iron Man (Downey), Thor (Hemsworth) and Captain America (Evans). He also sends for the most volatile of all heroes, Dr. David Bruce Banner (Ruffalo) AKA The Incredible Hulk. Rounding out the crew are Black Widow (Johansson) and Hawkeye (Renner). Well Hawkeye has a change of heart, so to speak, and is working for Loki.

The team trying to come together is enough to hold our interest through the movie’s setup stages. They’re a contentious bunch since they are all used to doing their own thing. There’s also some humor and some action here and there. As a result, the first hour of the movie breezes by despite the fact that it doesn’t really go very far. Nothing has been figured out and Loki still hasn’t made his move. He simply tries to manipulate the situation from within a very special cage our heroes have placed him in.

If the first half of the movie holds our interest, the latter portions excite our senses. Basically, the real fun starts once The Hulk finally shows up. Of course, he does plenty of smashing. Many of the film’s most spectacular special fx sequences involve him. That much is to be expected. What is not is that the big angry green guy also doubles as the comic relief. This is actually a pleasant surprise. Seriously, who knew The Hulk was funny?

Since one funny behemoth wouldn’t be enough to save the movie, the rest of the gang all get their chance to shine. It follows the simple logic of giving people what they want. All of it is shot well with bone-crunching sound, to boot. I have to admit, I could’ve done without the 3-D, though. I just don’t think it added much to the story since the effect didn’t seem to be used nearly as often as it probably should’ve been.

Among this summer’s bajillion dollar blockbusters, <em>The Avengers</em> is going to be hard to top. It makes excellent use of the same tone employed for <em>Thor</em> and both <em>Iron Man</em> movies. Thus, the mixture of action and humor work very well. Other than Captain America’s uniform, it does most things right as far as comic book flicks go. Stop geeking out. I know they used something closer to Cap’s traditional costume so technically they did get it right. I simply prefer the one used in his own movie. It looks much more “super soldier” than the tights, in my very humble opinion. Fashion choices aside, I enjoyed the movie very much. In the pantheon of superhero movies, I’d be hard pressed to keep it out of the top ten, but I’m not among the throngs proclaiming it “The Greatest Thing EVAR!!!”

<strong>MY SCORE: 8/10</strong>​

 

[Wrath]

I loved the Avengers.....

4.5 out of 5 stars for me.

 

[dell71]

Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol
<strong>Directed by Brad Bird.</strong>
<em>2011. Rated PG-13, 133 minutes.
Cast:
Tom Cruise
Jeremy Renner
Simon Pegg
Paula Patton
Michael Nyqvist
Vladimir Mashkov
Léa Seydoux
Miraj Grbic
Tom Wilkinson
Ving Rhames
Michelle Monaghan</em>​

We start on what by now seems to be a normal day in the life of extra super duper secret agent Ethan Hunt (Cruise). He busts out of a Serbian prison while dragging along a fellow inmate who may have some valuable information. He finds out that one of his buddies was killed in the line of duty. More importantly, Hawke learns that he has to retrieve a file that’s locked away in the Kremlin. Yes, an actual physical file and not an electronic one. While there, someone else blows the place up. Unfortunately for our hero and his crew, they’re being blamed so the good ol’ USA has to disavow any knowledge of Ethan and company. We learn this is called ghost protocol, hence the title. Anyhoo, not only do the good guys have to clear their own names, but that of the United States, as well. They must do this without the help of their native land, either. Of course, accomplishing this means they also must stop some Russian nut from starting a nuclear war. And you thought you had a tough day at work.

Thankfully for us, watching this particular mission is a better viewing experience that the last couple. The first movie in the series was pointlessly and aggressively convoluted making it a chore to watch. As a knee-jerk reaction to the sheer confusion of much of its audience, parts II and III turned Hunt into a superhero and dumbed everything down to seemingly random stunts and explosions. So far, the franchise hasn’t been able to strike the proper balance between sophisticated espionage and stupid action.

<em>Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol</em> takes a step in the right direction. Make that a few steps. The action is dialed back a bit. Don’t worry junkies, there’s still plenty for you to tweak on. The difference is that everything going boom isn’t the focus. The story between the stunts actually intrigues us. Occasionally, it slips into needlessly cryptic exposition but for the most part, it works. So does the comic relief, courtesy of Benji (Pegg). For that matter, the camaraderie and sometimes contentiousness of this new squad is pretty entertaining. This includes an interesting turn by Jeremy Renner as Agent Brandt. Though I must admit that I did miss Ving Rhames who only has a cameo in this installment.

If there is a problem with <em>MIGP</em> it’s with Ethan Hunt, himself. Mind you, I’m not talking about Tom Cruise. Haters be damned, he’s solid just doing what he normally does: giving us the Tom Cruise persona. I’m talking about the actual character. It’s the same problem that’s plagued the franchise and one I alluded to earlier: Ethan Hunt is invincible. His decision making is also infallible no matter how quick he has to make them or how stressful the situation in which he finds himself. It’s kind of hard to generate any real suspense when we know that regardless of what our hero does it will work out without any real consequences. Brandt even asks about Hunt’s extraordinarily quick wit. Hawke responds that he was playing a hunch. His hunches are always right.

Complaints aside, I have to reiterate that <em>MIGP</em> takes the franchise in a positive direction. In fact, it may well be the best of the four movies. In my opinion, only the first is any competition. That’s the only one that even tries to engage our brains. The other two are assaults on our senses, and not in a good way. Here, there is a well stirred mixture of the two approaches. Sure, we might still roll our eyes at some of the stuff Super Ethan pulls off, but when woven into the fabric of an interesting narrative it’s more palatable. For me, at least. If you’re already a fan of the series you won’t be disappointed. If you’re not, you might actually be pleasantly surprised.

<strong>MY SCORE: 7/10</strong>​

 

[Golden Taters]

Just seen that Mission Impossible movie last week. Nothing too memorable, but I had a great time watching it.

 

[Palooza]

Hunt, kind sir. Ethan Hunt.

I love the Mission:Impossible movies sans the second, which I hate.

 

[SethMode]

Hunt, kind sir. Ethan Hunt.

I love the Mission:Impossible movies sans the second, which I hate.

Agreed. I also like that every one is basically throwing any sort of continuity or thematic shit out of the window and instead says "Hey directer X! What are you good at? Go do that in your version of MI!"

 

[dell71]

Hunt, kind sir. Ethan Hunt.

Fixed. Thanks.

 

[dell71]

Joyful Noise
<strong>Directed by Todd Graff.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated PG-13, 118 minutes.
Cast:
Queen Latifah
Dolly Parton
Keke Palmer
Jeremy Jordan
Dexter Darden
Courtney B. Vance
Jesse L. Martin
Angela Grovey
Dequina Moore
Kris Kristofferson
Kirk Franklin</em>​

When Bernie (Kristofferson) passes away Pastor Dale (Vance) decides Vi Rose (Latifah) will take his place as choir director, much to the chagrin of Bernie’s widow G. G. (Parton), who wants the position for herself. The two already have issues with one another so this just makes things worse. Vi Rose is also trying to raise two teenagers by herself since her husband is away in the service. Her daughter Olivia (Palmer) is a member of the choir and a fairly typical 16 year old. Walter (Darden) is a little younger and has a form of autism called Asperger’s Syndrome. We’re told he can’t pick up on things like humor and sarcasm, doesn’t like to be touched and is totally fixated on one-hit wonders. Then there’s Randy (Jordan). He’s a trouble-maker who’s been kicked out of his parent’s house. He’s also in love with Olivia. Melodrama, puppy love and singing ensues. Lots of singing.

As in her best work, Queen Latifah is a force of nature as Vi Rose. Her presence is undeniable. She has a way of dominating a scene whether she’s the focus, or not. This pays the most dividends when she argues with or consoles other characters. She overwhelms them with an unstoppable wave of passion we can’t help but be glued to. Fortunately, we’re given several of these scenes throughout the movie.

The rest of the acting is spotty and seems to break down along gender lines. Most of the ladies are very good. Most of the guys, not so much. Jeremy Jordan as Randy is the biggest offender. He’s just not at all believable as a bad boy and seems to be channeling Zac Effron during the <em>High School Musical</em> days whenever he bursts into song. He’s a cute kid, hardly a menace to society. As far as the other guys go, it’s largely due to the script giving them nothing to do until they have to suddenly drop some supposedly heartfelt pearl of wisdom. This particular strategy fails to aid their performances. Some get nothing to do at all. The usually excellent Kris Kristofferson dies within two minutes of the start, only getting a superfluous flashback scene later in which he only gets to dance cute with Dolly. The talented Courtney B. Vance is on the screen often, but relegated to bump on a log status.

Speaking of the script, it tries to do too much and winds up doing nothing whatsoever. At least, it doesn’t do anything unique. It’s mildly amusing, on occasion, and the various plotlines play out pretty much as expected. One of those is a sob story about how hard the town they live in has been hit by the recession. There is no doubt lots to be explored down that avenue, but none of it is. It just feels tacked on and even more manipulative than the other already gushy storylines.

The same goes for race. <em>Joyful Noise</em> goes out of its way to show us interracial relationships. The choir is more diverse than any I’ve ever seen in real life. I’ve no problem with either other than it feels as if some grand point will be made, but we never get around to it. Then again, maybe that is the point.

What we end up with is a movie that barrels towards a plethora of happy endings and fails to make any decipherable commentary on the topics it seems to want to: the economy and race. On the other hand, it springs to life whenever leading lady Latifah is called upon to give us a show-stopping moment or when the music gets going and we’re treated to another lively tune. The question for you is: do you want a cute, light-hearted and homey musical with a religious slant?

<strong>MY SCORE: 5/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Drive
<strong>Directed by Nicolas Winding Refn.</strong>
<em>2011. Rated R, 100 minutes.
Cast:
Ryan Gosling
Carey Mulligan
Ron Perlman
Bryan Cranston
Albert Brooks
Oscar Isaac
Christina Hendricks
Kaden Leos</em>​

The kid or Driver (Gosling), as he’s listed in the credits, is special behind the wheel. His ability has gotten him a few different gigs. He’s a mechanic and part-time Hollywood stunt driver. His boss at the shop acts as his agent and is trying to borrow money from the local gangsters to finance a racecar driving career for his boy. The kid is also a popular and highly effective getaway driver for area riffraff. We get the impression that when he’s not doing any of these jobs he sits in his small one bedroom apartment all alone and stares at the walls. He doesn’t say much. His conversations consist mostly of one word answers to the questions of others. It’s pretty safe to say he’ll never be mistaken for a social butterfly. I imagine it’s kind of hard to meet girls that way.

Ah, but a girl there must be. The kid has a thing for Irene (Mulligan) who lives next door with her son Benecio (Leos). We quickly realize, she has a thing for him, too. They often see each other in the elevator but might never have interacted beyond saying a polite hello if not for her car breaking down. You see, she’s less shy than he, but still not a big talker. He manages to string together enough words to ask her out. She accepts and they sort of become a couple. Even though there are fewer words shared between them than sheepish grins, they understand one another.

Showing such a silent relationship is a tricky proposition. Movies are generally cluttered with noise. It’s what we expect. Here, neither of our lovebirds says much with their mouths. Body language and facial expressions handle the bulk of their communicating. The make a cute couple. The trick that’s turned is making us understand the depth of their feelings for each other. Even this is done without the usual visual panache. They never look longingly into each other’s eyes or go running towards one another and kiss deeply while sweeping music blares from the speakers. Neither tries to chase the other down while the object of their desire is aboard a departing bus or train with tears streaking down their face. There are no love scenes. What they have just is.

Well, it just is until it just isn’t. Rather, it lurks in background when we get a large piece of information. This info that I won’t divulge is the dime the movie turns on. When we get it, we may realize things are about to change. Still, we can’t fathom how it will lead us to the place at which we eventually arrive. Just know that this makes the second half of the picture a graphically violent excursion.

For some, the fact that all the action takes place late will be problematic. They’ll be frustrated by all non-verbal communication and general lack of adrenaline during the first part of the movie. The issue will be that these people have likely seen the trailers for <em>Drive</em> and happily hit the play button expecting something more along the lines of a <em>Fast and Furious</em> retread. They will be severely disappointed. The rest of us will be drawn in by the uncommonly quiet half of the film and will delight in the explosion of violence when it comes.

<strong>MY SCORE: 9/10</strong>​