Dell's Good, Bad & Ugly Movie Reviews

[dell71]

The Master
<strong>Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated R, 143 minutes.
Cast:
Joaquin Phoenix
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Amy Adams
Laura Dern
Ambyr Childers
Jesse Plemons
Rami Malek
Madisen Beaty
Lena Endre
Kevin J. O’Connor
Amy Ferguson
Joshua Close
Patty McCormack</em>​

Right away we come to understand that Freddie Quell (Phoenix) is a tad off. After serving in World War II, reintegrating into normal society has been an issue for him. Our natural inclination to sympathize with veterans is tested because we get the sense he wasn’t wrapped too tight even before the war. And he’s overly obsessed with two things: getting drunk and getting laid. He manages the former practically every night; the latter, not at all.

One drunken night, Freddie wanders into the circle of Lancaster Dodd (Hoffman), AKA The Master to his followers. He’s written a book, teaches cryptic lessons and performs strange rituals to enlighten us all. In effect, he’s started his own religion which many would call a cult. From everything I’ve read, the guy is based on Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Makes sense. Anyhoo, he takes a shine to Freddie and begins “processing,” or indoctrinating him into “The Cause.” We spend the rest of the movie watching The Master try to tame this particularly wild beast.

Charges of fraud and other improprieties against Dodd happen from time to time. We also wonder how much control over The Master his wife Peggy (Adams) has. These things are interesting, but neither holds our attention like the battle of wills waged by The Master and Freddie. Therefore, our enjoyment of this film is derived almost entirely from the dynamics between the two men. The only other thing that really perks us up is the same battle of wills Freddie is fighting with himself. If he simply can’t control himself, how does Dodd ever hope to?

Facilitating our intrigue, we get a pair of wonderful performances from Hoffman and Phoenix. Hoffman is perfectly charismatic as the leader of a budding way of thought, no matter how out there it may be. In an exemplary manner, he pulls off his character’s ability to instantly adapt his explanations to most lines of questioning and knack for shouting down anyone not persuaded by his answers. The work Phoenix turns in is flat amazing. From the start, he fully embodies this raging man-child who is understanding of little more than pleasure and pain. In any year in which Daniel Day-Lewis hadn’t convinced people he was actually Abraham Lincoln, Phoenix may very well have walked off with the Oscar that he was nominated for.

Unfortunately, deciphering what we’re supposed to take from this movie is no easy task. As it rolls along, it seems to be peeling back Dodd’s many fraudulent layers, but it never follows through in any tangible way. Most notably, Dodd’s own son is presented as a non-believer, but nothing is ever done with this once we learn it. The young man just keeps going along with the program while wearing a pissed off look on his face. It might also be an examination of Freddie’s sanity, or lack thereof. Much of the film at least hints at that idea, while two scenes in particular intently focus on it. Well, maybe. The first includes a party where many of the followers are happily playing music, clapping and dancing while the very drunk Dodd sings a tune. It so happens that all the women are standing around naked. It’s shown as if this may only be Freddie’s perspective on things. However, it’s also followed by a rather strange moment between Dodd and Peggy that suggests otherwise. Later, the rather lengthy “window to the wall” scene shows that poor sap Freddie cracking up while made to walk repeatedly from one end of a room to the other. Then again, it’s more likely this is just to showcase Dodd trying to break him as he attempts on numerous occasions. It’s also entirely possible that, as the ending suggests, this is all about Freddie’s quest to get a woman into bed and just how intricately tied to his happiness the success of this mission is. Therefore, when <em>The Master</em> ends we may be hit by a wave of confusion as we wonder what we just watched. In this case, that’s a good thing. We have much to talk about.

Whatever it is, Paul Thomas Anderson directs it in a manner that makes it difficult to look away from. The shots are beautiful and, as stated, Hoffman and Phoenix command the screen. Many of their scenes together are scintillating. The director brings this out with excellent story-telling skills. Some people will take issue with the story he’s telling, or more specifically, they’ll wonder what the story is about.

<strong>MY SCORE: 8.5/10</strong>​

 

[Tailback U]

I tried to watch The Master the other night but it bored me to death and I fell asleep. Maybe give it another shot but I doubt it.

 

[dell71]

<em>The Master</em> isn't for everyone.

 

[dell71]

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
<strong>Directed by Bill Condon.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated PG-13, 116 minutes.
Cast:
Kristen Stewart
Robert Pattinson
Taylor Lautner
Mackenzie Foy
Peter Facinelli
Elizabeth Reaser
Ashley Greene
Jackson Rathbone
Maggie Grace
Dakota Fanning
Billy Burke
Michael Sheen
Kellan Lutz
Nikki Reed
Wendell Pierce</em>​

When last we saw our favorite co-dependently miserable couple, Bella (Stewart) was giving birth to their half-vampire, half-human, all-emo baby girl, Renesmee (played mostly by Mackenzie Foy). It was such a difficult delivery, mom almost died. To save her, Edward (Pattinson) finally turns his bride into one of the undead. Continuing the franchise’s standard practice of completely ignoring traditional vampire lore whenever it’s not actively defecating all over it, <em>Breaking Dawn – Part 2</em> opens with Bella getting a good look at her new, and somehow, less pale self as she and Edward share a loving embrace in front of the mirror. Sigh. Face palm. Okay. I can. I can get through this.

To catch Bella up on the plot, and remind us, it comes to light that Jacob “imprinted” upon Renesmee, or claimed her for lack of a better, more spoiler friendly word. Soon through a sighting by Irina (Grace), those head vampires known as the Volturi hear about the Cullen’s bundle of joy and want the whole clan dead. Slowly, very very slowly, they make their way to Forks. This means we spend the better part of our two hours watching the Cullens gathering help from vampires far and near for their potential showdown.

There is very good reason the movie plays out the way it does. There is no more to the plot. Everything the franchise is built on ended with <em>Breaking Dawn – Part 1</em>, or presumably, about halfway through the actual book. What we have here is two hours of the filmmakers trying to figure out how to end their tale. With the whole metaphor for abstinence thing being neatly wrapped up, it would’ve been way too merciful on me to end it right after Bella’s transformation with a ‘happily ever after’ moment. I suppose it could be argued that we’re on to an anti-abortion rant, but I really don’t feel like going down that road. Instead, I’ll give some credit to the powers that be for wringing every last cent they possibly could out of this franchise…I mean not taking the easy way out and going an extra step. Disastrous it may be, but it’s a step.

Why is it disastrous? For starters, I’ve told you practically everything that happens, really nothing at all. To keep us occupied there are the occasional cuts to the bad guys getting news on our heroes, vowing to kill them, and a welcome demonstration of how evil they are. These demonstrations are generally put on by Dakota Fanning who I’m pretty sure performs more decapitations than she has lines. Cool. As far as the good guys, Carlisle (Facinelli) is even more closely impersonating Professor Xavier as those who answer his call for help are much more like X-Men than anything in any vampire flick I’ve ever seen. They come complete with unique powers and the standard gallery of attitudes and personalities. And the answer is no. Sunlight doesn’t seem to affect anyone. Nobody even sparkles anymore. Not cool.

This gathering of mutants, including Bella trying to figure out how to use her special power, is almost excusable because we know we’ll get to see this stuff put to use in a big climactic battle scene. What’s not excusable under any circumstances is the absolute incompetence on display, even for this series, whenever the plot turns to Charlie (Burke), Bella’s dad. I’ll sum it all up by relaying one instance for you. We’re never told exactly how much time passes between the beginning and end of the movie, but it doesn’t seem like it’s more than a few weeks, a few months at the most. Jeez, the Volturi are slow. Let’s suppose it’s even as much as a year. By this time, the “baby” Renesmee looks like she’s at least seven or eight years old. Charlie first sees her looking like a true newborn. The next time we witness the two of them together, which is near the end and the oldest we see her look, all he can say is how she’s grown at least half a foot since the last time he’s seen her. Huh? That’s it? I get that he’s not the most perceptive guy in the world, after all he still knows nothing of his daughter’s “condition,” but c’mon!

Sigh. Let’s move on to something I said I wasn’t going to mention, but since we’re on the subject of the baby, here it goes. Human beings age while vampires do not, even in the “Twilight” zone. Scratch that reference, this franchise has no business being mentioned in the same book, let alone the same sentence as Rod Serling’s iconic series. Anyhoo, doesn’t it stand to reason that Renesmee would age slower than the rest of us, not faster? Of course, that’s assuming such a birth could be possible going by what literary and cinematic history tells us about vampires and my limited recall of seventh grade biology. Oh wait, I forgot which movie I was watching and mistakenly thought it cared about something other than teenagers professing their love for each other through the seemingly constipation inspired grimaces on their faces. My bad.

In the end, we get that big battle we spend so much time building toward. Sorta. If you haven’t seen it, you’ll either have to watch it, or take a guess what that means. I’ll give you a hint, though. It’s akin to the police telling an anxious crowd “Move along, folks. There’s nothing to see here.” Regardless, at least this part of the movie is fun. So many heads get severed it’s like a deleted scene from <em>300</em>, sans blood, rippling abs and red capes, of course. Predictably, this only serves to make sure everyone, and I do mean everyone, gets that ‘happily ever after moment.’ Oh, sorry – spoiler alert. Hmph. As if you didn’t know.

<strong>MY SCORE: 4/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Black Mama, White Mama
<strong>Directed by Eddie Romero.</strong>
<em>1973. Rated R, 87 minutes.
Cast:
Pam Grier
Margaret Markov
Sid Haig
Lynn Borden
Zaldy Zshornack
Laurie Burton
Eddie Garcia
Alona Alegre
Dindo Fernando
Vic Diaz
Wendy Green
Lotis Key
Alfonso Carvajal</em>​

Black Mama, not actually called this in the movie, is played by the incomparable Pam Grier. That’s really all you need to know. Okay, maybe that’s all I need to know. After all, she’s Pam Grier. Any further description is unnecessary. For me. Since you’re not me, and probably not Pam Grier, I’ll indulge you with some of the particulars of this cinematic experience.

We meet Black Mama, and White Mama, on the bus on their way to an all-female prison camp where the two will be inmates. Black Mama is serving time on a possession charge. White Mama, not actually called this and played by a not so bad herself, Margaret Markov, is something of a political prisoner. We’re told she’s a revolutionary. Exactly what kind of revolutionary and what she’s fighting for, I’m not sure. Just suffice it to say it’s the 1970s and revolution is in the air.

The first third of the movie is pure testosterone driven Women-in-Prison fantasy. Mass shower scene? Check. Horseplay between the ladies during said shower scene? Check. All female and horny lesbian prison guards? Check. Horny lesbian guards getting rough with anyone that steps out of line? Check. All of these checks lead to our heroines being locked in “The Oven,” a form of (not exactly) solitary confinement. It’s basically a box barely big enough for the two ladies to stand inside back-to-back. There’s not even enough room for them to wear tops! Why no, nothing so far at all qualifies as gratuitous nudity. I mean, it’s all germane to the plot. Okay, I’m lying. Don’t judge me.

Right after getting out of “The Oven,” the ladies are informed they’re being taken elsewhere because some higher ups want to ask both of them some questions. This means another bus ride, only now, the two are shackled together. White Mama’s revolutionary buddies attack the bus and engage the cops in a shootout, during which the Mamas escape into the woods. From here, we get a rehash of <em>The Defiant Ones</em>, only with more guns, Sid Haig and random boobies all over the place. This. Is. Heaven.

Wait..what? Did I say that out loud? I’ll admit I can occasionally get in a really shallow mood and this movie perfectly fits those times. Then again, I’m not sure if my love for it speaks to my shallowness or my depth. What I mean is Pam Grier touches me in a deep…too much? Sorry. Give me a moment. I’m putting my ‘objective reviewer’ cap back on and adjusting it so that it fits…just…so. There.

Horrible, cringe-inducing dialogue? Check. Both intentional AND unintentional humor? Check. Wooden acting? Check. Excessive cheese, sleaze, and shameless exploitation? Check. Check. Double check.

And it stars Pam Grier. Drool. To hell with that objective nonsense. All of this movie’s sins are hereby forgiven. Henceforth, <em>Black Mama, White Mama</em> shall forever be described by the best, greatest, loveliest, most wonderful, terrific, terrible, worst, most horrible, crappiest, yet still endearing term in the history of moviedom: so bad it’s awesome!

<strong>MY SCORE: -10/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Killer Joe
<strong>Directed by William Friedkin.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated R, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Matthew McConaughey
Emile Hirsch
Juno Temple
Thomas Haden Church
Gina Gershon
Marc Macaulay</em>​

Chris (Hirsch) is in trouble. The cocaine he’s supposed to sell has been stolen and he doesn’t have the money to pay off his supplier. He suspects his mother, since she’s the only one who knew where it was and her long broken down Cadillac is suddenly running very well. Chris needs the money pretty quickly and he’s just heard about his mom’s fifty thousand dollar life insurance policy of which his little sister Dottie (Temple) is the beneficiary. He fills his dad Ansel (Church), now remarried to Charla (Gershon), and Dottie in on his idea and all are in agreement that it’s a good one. Not wanting to do the deed themselves, they hire Joe Cooper (McConaughey), a Dallas detective who provides such services on the side.

From there, the movie gets into some even more uncomfortable territory. Much of this surrounds Dottie. We’re not quite sure how old she is. She’s not as slow on the uptake as everyone around her thinks, but she’s plenty naïve and easily taken advantage of. When Chris and Ansel can’t pay Joe’s advance, he offers to take Dottie as a retainer. Let’s just say their “dinner date” can be tough to watch. However, that’s the twisted charm of this movie. It delights in parading an entire roster of unlikable people before us and mining the depths to which their souls have sank, if they ever had any in the first place. Dottie stands apart from the crowd, maintaining innocence despite doing things that would normally disqualify a person from being innocent. This is key to the movie’s success because even though we might not readily identify with this woman-child, we sympathize for her and find it difficult to lay blame at her feet. Juno Temple plays the role wonderfully. She fully personifies Dottie in the way this movie needs her to.

Joe is on the opposite end of the spectrum. He’s cold, calculating, and ruthless. The one trait that facilitates all those others is his complete lack of conscience. McConaughey plays it with a scary coolness. He’s always in control of the situation and is more than willing to make sure it plays out in his favor. He might be my favorite villain of 2012. Of course, he doesn’t see himself as a villain, but a businessman following through on a transaction, regardless of what actions that calls for.

Besides Temple and McConaughey, the rest of the cast is also great. Thomas Haden Church is perfectly dumb, Gina Gershon is thoroughly skanky (we literally meet her crotch first), and Emile Hirsch nails it as the brightest of a not very smart bunch.

The twists and turns of our plot develop because of people we don’t, or rarely, see. This works because it fosters the notion that these people are not only in this together, but completely alone with one another. Any problems they may face will have to be dealt with on their own. To paraphrase Ansel, and a very old saying, they must lie in the beds they’ve made. They, and we, know that the cavalry isn’t riding in to save the day and ‘happily ever after’ will be an elusive destination. Whatever happens is going to be determined by these few people we’ve spent all of our time with.

Eventually, things can get to be a bit on the outrageous side. I’ve already mentioned Joe’s “date” with Dottie. Later, the way he utilizes a chicken leg is something I’m fairly certain the Colonel never envisioned. Then we get to that ending. It’s purposely ambiguous and will flat piss some people off. The standard question that lingers is did she, or didn’t she? We can argue which for eternity, with evidence to support both sides. For some, this will leave way too much wiggle room. I suspect this makes <em>Killer Joe</em> a love-it or hate-it type of affair. Count me in the love-it camp.

<strong>MY SCORE: 8.5/10</strong>​

 

[Senser81]

Thomas Haden Church is perfectly dumb

But...its got electrolytes!!

 

[Houston]

What are your feelings on the birth of Blade?

 

[dell71]

What are your feelings on the birth of Blade?

Are we talking "daywalker" Blade as compared to the Twilight baby? Truthfully, neither makes sense because judging from vampire lore they lack the necessary tools for creating life. I suppose we could say it's possible shortly after they've fed, but whatever. I'm willing to roll with it in either case but Twilight gave me more ammo to doubt it and more reason to nitpick it since it isn't a very good movie. I'm more okay with Blade because the explanation is simple and seems to make sense. His vampire side gives him all the powers of vampires, but his human side means he gets none of the weaknesses, except for the thirst. As far as the aging process goes I'm not sure how fast he reached "maturity" or how fast (or slow) he's aging as an adult, if at all. I don't remember it being mentioned in any of the movies. It may have come up in the first, but it's been a while since I've seen it so forgive me. In any event, it's not something that was made into an entire subplot the way it is in Twilight. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

[Palooza]

The Master is fucking brilliant. Freddy Quell is one of the greatest characters in cinematic history.

 

[dell71]

The Master is fucking brilliant. Freddy Quell is one of the greatest characters in cinematic history.

He's no Jason Vorhees, but then again, who is? :smug:

 

[dell71]

Rust and Bone
<strong>Directed by Jacques Audiard.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated R, 120 minutes.
Cast:
Matthias Schoenaerts
Marion Cotillard
Armand Verdure
Corinne Masiero
Bouli Lanners
Jean-Michel Correia
Mourad Frarema
Yannick Choirat</em>​

We first meet Ali (Schoenaerts) while he’s traveling to his sister’s house with his five year old son Sam (Verdure) in tow. We quickly realize he’s a hard luck case. Sis is none too pleased to see him, but takes the pair in for Sam’s sake. Soon, he gets a job as a bouncer at a nightclub. While working one night, he meets Stephanie (Cotillard) when he comes to her rescue, even drives her home, after she has a run-in with some jerk. Nothing more happens as she has a boyfriend. The two go their separate ways: Ali back to bouncing, Stephanie back to her job training killer whales at Marine Land. Unfortunately, an out-of-control whale causes all sorts of damage. Stephanie wakes up in the hospital only to discover that both of her legs have been amputated just above the knee. A few months pass, and feeling lonely because her boyfriend has disappeared, she gives Ali a call. From there, the two begin sort of a one-sided romance. It’s not because she’s lost her legs. It’s that Ali is a tough one to pin down.

As with many other movies of its ilk, <em>Rust and Bone</em> is only as good as the chemistry between, and performances by, its two leads. Matthias Schoenaerts and Marion Cotillard make a believable pair. As simple and off-handed as it sounds, that’s a compliment of the highest order. Schoenaerts’ Ali displays a perfectly cavalier attitude about everything, including his son. This would seem an impediment to true romance because the other person probably wants to be taken seriously. In fact, it is. However, it also enables him look past her condition and treat it as a mere fact of life and not something he has to talk about while obsessing over the difficulties it may cause. Sure, it’s a topic of conversation, but not the deciding factor in how much, or little, he values her as a person.

Early on, Stephanie is simply grateful for Ali’s kindness. As the movie persists, she begins to feel like a real woman again. She remembers how to assert herself, perhaps even better than she did before. She learns to enjoy life, escaping the bottomless abyss of self-pity with a helping hand from Ali. Through her initial leaning on him, she learns independence. Each actor portrays their half of the relationship as genuinely as possible. We fully get why things develop as they do.

Subplots are handled solidly, for the most part. Ali’s ever-changing job status informs whatever it is he has with Stephanie. Chief among his string of occupations is the most illegal one. He soon starts fighting on the streets for money. Strangely, this is the setting in which the two grow closest. As far as his son is concerned we see time and again how much of a struggle it is for him to take care of Sam. Though Sam is clearly a plot device more than anything, a cog in the machine of a love story, he’s still an intriguing part of our tale.

The one thing I take umbridge with is Stephanie’s rehab. Essentially, this is a movie about a woman overcoming serious obstacles to reclaim her sense of self-worth. Dealing with her new physicality is part of this. We see the shame she feels when out in public, or even in private when doing things supposedly “normal” people don’t have to do. Eventually, we see her gain some sort of confidence thanks, in no small part, to a set of prosthetic legs. What we don’t see is any part of the process that doesn’t deal with Ali. It’s understandable that the filmmakers didn’t want to take too much time away from the couple in question, but it feels too easy. One moment, she’s being shown the prosthetics for the very first time. The next, she’s walking around on them amidst a throng of strangers with no qualms about jostling her as if she’s been doing it for years.

Perhaps, I’m being lazy, asking for too many things to be spelled out for me. With that in mind, I have to say that <em>Rust and Bone</em> is still a very enjoyable, if clichéd love story. Aside from our heroine losing her legs, there’s not much here that marks this as a unique movie experience. However, our two stars turn in excellent work. We believe in their relationship and ride the roller coaster with them.

<strong>MY SCORE: 7.5/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World
<strong>Directed by Lorene Scafaria.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated PG-13, 101 minutes.
Cast:
Steve Carell
Keira Knightley
Martin Sheen
Connie Britton
Rob Corddry
Patton Oswalt
Derek Luke
T.J. Miller
Melanie Lynskey
Mark Moses
Nancy Carell</em>​

What would you do if you knew for certain the world were going to end in three weeks? That’s the question facing us all in <em> Seeking a Friend for the End of the World</em> as a seventy mile wide asteroid is on a collision course with Earth and all attempts to stop it have failed. More specifically, it’s the question facing Dodge (Carrell). It’s also become exponentially more difficult to answer now that his wife has decided this would be the perfect time to leave him. Everyone around him is truly living each day like it’s the last, engaging in whatever activity their hearts desire while Dodge sits around and mopes. He finds someone to commiserate with in the flighty Penny (Knightley). She’s similarly distraught, having broken up with her boyfriend. Eventually, the two decide to help each other do the one thing they each must before it’s too late. An apocalyptic adventure ensues.

Early on, the movie focuses as much on our decaying societal mores as it does on the lives of our protagonists. Here is where most of its humor lies. The jokes are largely to be expected, generally revolving around people getting all the sex and drugs they could possibly want, but still fun to see play out. There are only two other jokes: the occasional ominous yet loony newscast and the situations Dodge and Penny find themselves in because of the outbreak of riots. The violence, and any humor derived from it, ends when a very odd man takes a bullet to the throat. You’ll have to see for yourself to understand how and why this could possibly be funny. A short while later, the sex and drugs part of the movie climaxes with a trip to a chain restaurant. Unfortunately, we still have half the movie to go.

Immediately upon finishing the very strange dining experience of our heroes, the movie settles into a string of predictable events in an effort to create a romance. Problem number one, again, is that the comedy disappears almost entirely. Instead, we’re stuck in this drama which never surprises us and will have to either deliver the depressing finale we’ve been trudging toward or, concoct some ridiculous BS for the sake of giving us a happy ending. Problem number two is that we never feel strongly enough about the couple in question to overcome problem number one. Dodge and Penny aren’t two people we can see together under any circumstances. Making an exception because people are bound to do things and be with people they normally would not even consider. However, this just makes things seem even more preordained. This, combined with the fact that everything happens so perfectly on schedule, our pulse rate never increases. Our performers give it their all, but their interactions lack the magic needed to make us ignore these blemishes.

All is not terrible for the second half of the film. First, there is a wonderful scene, albeit a bit of a painful one, between Dodge and his dad played by Martin Sheen. It’s the one time we truly sense the emotion of the two people speaking. Second, the final scene is one of endless tenderness. It is by far the most enjoyable exchange between Dodge and Penny. If somehow, you find yourself caring by this point, you might even have to wipe away a tear or two. Odds are, you won’t.

<strong>MY SCORE: 5/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Fast & Furious 6
<strong>Directed by Justin Lin.</strong>
<em>2013. Rated PG-13, 130 minutes.
Cast:
Vin Diesel
Paul Walker
Dwayne Johnson
Michelle Rodriguez
Jordana Brewster
Tyrese Gibson
Sung Kang
Ludacris
Luke Evans
Gal Gadot
Elsa Pataky
Gina Carano</em>​

At the end of <em>Fast Five</em> we were teased with the most soap operish of endings. One of our favorite characters, Letty (Rodriguez), was coming back from the dead for the next installment. And so, here we are. Our wait to see how her return plays out is over. The setup shows our heroes living high off the hog in exotic locales around the globe thanks to the money they made dragging a vault through the streets of Rio. Dom (Diesel) has something else he picked up while there: Elena (Pataky), the hot Brazilian cop who just couldn’t resist the Diesel engine. What? Too much? Anyhoo, Agent Hobbs (Johnson) shows up to fill Dom in on the fact that his thought to be deceased girlfriend is alive and kicking. The catch is she’s working for the newest bad guy, Owen Shaw (Evans), whom Hobbs is currently pursuing. With no hesitation, Dom rounds up the rest of the crew in London where all the madness is going down so they can get fast and furious. Six. Okay, that’s corny. You try. No? Let’s move on.

Like many an action movie, this one is at its worst when trying to explain itself. In other words, we don’t care one iota why Shaw is being such a dick, for lack of a better word. We sort of care about Letty’s situation. In true daytime drama fashion, she has amnesia. Let me back up a step. We actually don’t care about that either. We’re really just counting down the minutes until she figures out which team she’s supposed to be on. We’re also eye-balling part six’s buff female cop Riley, played by MMA fighter (and star of <em>Haywire</em>) Gina Carano and giddily awaiting the inevitable cat-fight between the two.

Two, my friends, is the magic number. That’s how many times our leading ladies square off. So good. So so good. I peek to make sure my wife isn’t reading along as I type this. Aaaaannndd…the coast is clear. Anyhoo, that unabashed appeal to the shallow thirteen year old within us all has always been what works for this franchise. With <em>Fast Five</em>, the effort shifted into overdrive and never let up. <em>FF6</em> travels the same road, but its pit stops are a tad longer. Otherwise, its commitment to the ridiculous is gloriously intact. We get more Dwayne Johnson being The Rock, more Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson trading insults. In fact, Tyrese is almost strictly comic relief. We also get more Paul Walker doing whatever Vin Diesel tells him to but somehow thinking he’s in charge and more of Sung Kang and Gal Gadot making googly eyes at each other. More than any of that, we get more crazy stunts involving not only cars, but a tank and a plane speeding down the a runway that must be 50 miles long. And I’m not even joking a little bit about that last part.

Let’s back up to the cars for a moment. Know that I’m weeping on the inside as you read this because I’ll probably never have one. Our first real action scene involves something amazing. That something is not one, but two – yes, the magical two – two armored formula one racing cars. Sigh. May we please have a moment of silence for the untimely demise of all my other vehicular fantasies.

Thank you.

At the end of it all we get another really fun, but really dumb movie that is near impossible to resist. Sure, the dialogue is cheesy, the story is thin, and people act more out of convenience to the flimsy plot than anything remotely plausible. However, there’s an art to making watchable crap. It took a few movies to get it right, but these people have mastered it. How else to explain my total lack of disdain for the spectacular bridge stunt between Diesel and Rodriguez that makes the bridge scene in <em>Fast Five</em> feel somewhat realistic? And yes, we get another major promise (and closing of a loophole) right at the end. <em>FF6</em> isn’t quite as good, or as terrible, as its predecessor, but it’s still so bad it’s awesome!

<strong>MY SCORE: -10/10</strong>​

 

[Houston]

This picture is priceless.

 

[dell71]

Ink
<strong>Directed by Jamin Winans.</strong>
<em>2009. Rated PG-13, 106 minutes.
Cast:
Chris Kelly
Quinn Hunchar
Jessica Duffy
Jennifer Batter
Eme Ikwuakor
Shelby Malone
Jeremy Make</em>​

John (Kelly) is a widower who has lost custody of his little girl Emma (Hunchar) to his in-laws due to some struggles with drugs and alcohol. They won’t even let him see her even though he’s overcome those obstacles and is a very successful businessman. Things change when Emma has a seizure and falls into a coma. That’s when the in-laws come calling for John, who may or may not go to his daughter’s side. What none of them understand is that the battle for her life is being waged by a group of warriors who exist outside of our awareness, but protect our souls. Emma’s soul has been kidnapped by Ink, a dark and morose creature looking to move up in the bad guy ranks.

This is an intriguing tale, not least of all because it keeps us busy trying to figure out what one half of the story has to do with the other. We’re introduced to the more fantastic side of things first. It’s a <em>Matrix</em> inspired take on the concept of guardian angels. As a result, we get fight scenes bolstered by the use of some interesting special fx. Mostly, it’s things coming back together after having been broken in the heat of battle. Between the action sequences we see the good guys prepare to face the bad guys, early on. Later, it becomes a war of wills between Ink and Liev (Duffy), our last hope to save Emma. The more traditional side of things is fairly simple, but helped along by the same folks trying to help the little girl. It is when these people, whom John has no idea of, intervene most directly in his life that the movie sizzles. The tension bubbles to the surface and we really feel the struggle between the various factions.

The problems with this movie are mostly superficial, but easily noticeable. Chiefly, the ambitions of the story seem to exceed the budget. Effects, costuming and even fight choreography all work individually. When pulled together, some of those binding elements are lacking. For one, the haze often around the edges of the frame is meant to give things a dreamy feel but comes across as a cheap, and cheaply employed trick. Similarly, the score inspires annoyance more than the somberness it seems to be going for. The pace is also a bit clunky. Most bothersome is that the acting leaves much to be desired. In the lead, Chris Kelly is fine and, surprisingly, so is Quinn Hunchar as his daughter. Even the bad guys are pretty good, in a creepy emotionless way. Unfortunately, our heroes are a mostly wooden lot.

Due to the fact that the movie is very well written by Jamin Winans, who also directed, <em>Ink</em> manages to survive its faults. More than that, it goes about it’s business in a manner different enough that it deserves to be seen. As proof of this, it has developed a cult following since it’s release. People who praise it are hooked by the wonderful story-telling. And it all leads to an ending that works as an intriguing revelation, giving us something to discuss which is always good.

<strong>MY SCORE: 7.5/10</strong>​

 

[dell71]

Zero Dark Thirty
<strong>Directed by Kathryn Bigelow.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated R, 157 minutes.
Cast:
Jessica Chastain
Jason Clarke
Kyle Chandler
Joel Edgerton
Jennifer Ehle
Mark Strong
James Gandolfini
Edgar Ramirez
Frank Grillo
Harold Perrineau</em>​

It’s quite simple, really. This is all about the almost decade long hunt for Osama bin Laden after the events of 9/11. Maya (Chastain) joins the CIA’s effort early on and eventually comes to spearhead it. We see her and her colleagues feverishly gathering intelligence and note the differences in how this is done before and after the general public found out about waterboarding. We see Maya persevere in the face of waning support from her superiors. Finally, we see…well, you know how this ends.

Movies based on true stories generally have to contend with the audience already knowing the outcome. Here, the problem is multiplied because a) it is more well-known than most and b) it’s still pretty fresh in our collective memory. The devil has to be in the details, and so it is. To that end, we get a procedural chronicling Maya’s difficult path to victory. It’s an atypical war movie in that it’s all about a chess match on the grandest scale, not an all out depiction of battle. However, there are bursts of violence sprinkled throughout and the culmination of all of our heroine’s work is the operation performed by Seal Team Six. By the way, this is done with great accuracy, according to everything I’ve heard or read about it.

Before we get to that finale, it’s all about war waged on multiple fronts. Most obviously, there is the overall war on terrorism. Within that broader scope, there is the war between the CIA and the White House over what procedures are acceptable and which are not. Then there is the war between Maya and her own bosses over whether or not to keep her pursuit alive. Speaking of alive, there is also the war to keep her that way once her identity becomes known to her enemies. As Maya, Jessica Chastain is nothing, if not fierce. Her ferocity is drawn from unwavering conviction. She is the type of person we viewers might not like if we had to work with/for her, but we’d appreciate her and be glad she’s on our side. It’s not that she’s mean or even inaccessible. It’s that to call her dedicated to the mission is like saying that Oprah has a little money tucked away.

Through Chastain’s performance, an excellent script and supporting cast, and the gravity of the situation, director Kathryn Bigelow crafts an engrossing film. It grabs hold of us as it explains the hows of the whats we already know. We’re intrigued by the process. When we get to the last scene, we do as Maya does. We exhale.

<strong>MY SCORE: 9/10</strong>​

 

[Houston]

I love procedurals, happy to see Zero Dark Thirty was one.

You get to skip through all the lame, predictable, forced drama, personal life bullshit that's rarely interesting.

 

[dell71]

I love procedurals, happy to see Zero Dark Thirty was one.

You get to skip through all the lame, predictable, forced drama, personal life bullshit that's rarely interesting.

You'll be very happy with it then. Anytime her personal life comes up it still has something to do with the mission.

 

[dell71]

Fun Size
<strong>Directed by Josh Schwartz.</strong>
<em>2012. Rated PG-13, 86 minutes.
Cast:
Victoria Justice
Jackson Nicoll
Thomas Mann
Jane Levy
Chelsea Handler
Thomas Middleditch
Johnny Knoxville
Josh Pence
Thomas McDonell
Ana Gasteyer
Kerri Kenney</em>​

Instead of going to the Halloween party thrown by the cutest guy in school, Wren (Justice) gets stuck baby-sitting her eight year old little brother Albert (Nicoll) while mom (Handler) hangs out with her way-too-young boyfriend. She loses track of the little scamp while they’re out trick-or-treating. With the help of her friends, she must find him before mom figures out what’s going on and, hopefully, still make it to that party.

I have a lot of issues with this movie. Many of them have to do with Albert. In true movie fashion, the boy relishes his status as missing. He also refuses to talk or obey any rules whatsoever. He goes along with strangers whenever possible, plays with fireworks, and eats practically nothing but candy. Honestly, though, I have less of a problem with what he does than the things that are done to him by the so-called adults around him. For instance, one of the good guys is Fuzzy (Middleditch), the clerk at the convenience store, and a grown man. He doesn’t know Albert, he’s only seen him at the local arcade and, therefore, a stranger. Yet, he talks Albert into going with him on a mission to get revenge on his ex-girlfriend’s new beau. I couldn’t care less what he’s going to do to whoever that guy is, especially since he’s being played by Johnny Knoxville. However, I do care that it’s being presented as if taking someone else’s child with you anywhere without the permission of anyone in the child’s family is somehow acceptable. Even worse is that is seems the movie itself is cognizant of how dangerous this idea is. Just before Fuzzy drives off with Albert, he says out loud to anyone within earshot “I’m not luring a child into my car!” Of course, that’s exactly what he’s doing. Later, in the hands of other similarly irresponsible “adults,” for lack of a more accurate word, Albert spends time in a fast-food joint, a nightclub and eventually winds up in the house of Knoxville’s creepy character. That last one is entirely of Albert’s own volition, but the movie botches this as well. What turns into his kidnapping is passed off as something Knoxville is in the right for doing. Maybe I’m being an old fuddy-duddy, but for a dad of young children, this is stomach churning stuff. Most surprising it that the people responsible for such a movie are none other than the normally good folks at Nickelodeon. I understand that much of children’s entertainment features absentee parenting, or at least kids that have free reign to do as they please, however, this goes overboard to the point that it is in extremely poor taste. You would think that a company which built an empire on kiddie shows, and claim to have the best interest of children at heart, would know better.

Sorry for the rant. Back to “regular” criticism.

With regards to the rest of the plot, things play out in paint-by-numbers fashion. There are a number of near misses between brother and sister, the cute guy has a crush on our heroine, so does the nerdy guy, and mom has to come to grips with the facts of her life. Yawn. Nothing unexpected happens and almost none of it is funny when it does. As a result, the whole thing runs a scant 86 minutes, but feels at least ten times as long.

Finally, I’m going to have to call a double-fault on Nickelodeon. The PG-13 rating feels incredibly forced. Nothing in the tone or surface content suggest it has to have this rating. Instead, a couple of choice words are slammed into the script where they don’t necessarily have to be. It reeks of someone at the company daring to put out what they think is an edgy production. Of course, it’s anything but. Is it of questionable morality? Yes, but that’s not really grounds for a PG-13. More than anything, it’s proof that movies do indeed have target audiences. My daughters loved it despite me often vocalizing my displeasure. I know, I should’ve pre-screened this one. The trailer looked harmless enough and the back of the DVD says it’s “an adventure the whole family will love!” Score one for marketing.

<strong>MY SCORE: 0/10</strong>​