Article: Palooz Presents: 2013 in Film

[NAHSTE]

I'm under the impression she is universally loved.

Where's the deluxe version?

 

[NAHSTE]

I turned BROKEN CITY off in 10 minutes. Totally forgettable formulaic meh-ness.

 

[Houston]

Somebody here ducking the only reason I even thought that anyone liked Carey Mulligan is because someone here was giving her glowing reviews.


Edit-Nevermind that was Michelle Williams. Yeah, no one here likes Mulligan.

 

[Palooza]

Michelle Williams :banderas:

 

[Palooza]

87. Elysium
Matt Damon, Jodie Foster, Sharlto Copley, Alice Braga, Diego Luna, William Fichtner​

Director(s): Neill Blomkamp
Writer(s): Neill Blomkamp
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: August 8th
RT Score: 68% (156 fresh, 73 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: In a post-apocalyptic world where wealthy people live in a space station called Elysium with free medical care while the peasants live in a deteriorating Earth, factory worker Max (Matt Damon) gets in an accident and is exposed to some shit and needs to force his way up to Elysium, changing the dynamic of Elysium/Earth forever!
Comments:
Yikes. Where do we even start? This feels like a studio-pushed sequel to District 9 with the best parts being the action and the HEALTHCARE IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT being beaten on the head so hard. Cartoon-y characters flood this movie, lead by Jodie Foster's Dealcort and William Fichtner (the go-to bad guy in a suit actor). Sharlto Copley's Kruger is also pretty one-note, but I always have a thing for overacted psycho murderers on the hero's trail. Usually I dismiss these characters because they are obnoxiously expendable, but once Copley got his face blown off and then repaired followed by a full on rampage, I was on board with his character. Also factor in I saw this in August, but Oldboy in November, so Copley will still riding high off his fookin gr8 performance as Wikis in District 9 in 2009.

Jodie Foster, what the fucking fuck? The is the single worst performance I have ever seen in a film. She is equal parts over top and in coast mode, she has a indistinguishable accent that buttfucks a blend of English and South African. It's completely sigh and cringe inducing and completely takes you out of the movie. Shit is going bang bang pew pew and then they cut to Jodie Foster sitting in front of a huge screen commenting on the goings on. Completely unnecessary, made me wanna rage.

Matt Damon is fine. He's in half-Bourne mode and does what he can I guess, but the script is surprisingly bland and thin that there isn't so much he can do to impress you. Speaking of the script, I'm not entirely sure what happened to Blomkamp between District 9 and this. This is overly preachy and seems to be based around it's message. The beauty, to me, of District 9 was the fact that Blomkamp took this allegorical story and decided to make it a balls to the wall action movie with Copley saying fook every five seconds as he slowly became a prawn. In D9, Copley pulls off this downward spiral with ease, pulling me in to his story and rooting for him through and through. Outside of Elysium's main character being someone I like very much, I had a hard time giving a shit about his plight because the message was so in your face.

District 9 was an action movie posing as a message movie. Elysium was a message movie posing as an action movie. The former works, the latter does not.

Spoiler Alert: Sacrifice to save the day. Extremely telegraphed.
Grade: D

 

[Buzzman]

I also have a hard time believing they would just keep those miracle beds away from everyone. Just absurd.

 

[Palooza]

86. Crystal Fairy and the Magical Cactus
Michael Cera, Gaby Hoffman​

Director(s): Sebastian Silva
Writer(s): Sebastian Silva
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Release Date: July 12th
RT Score: 80% (64 fresh, 16 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: A group of guys in Chile go on a quest to find a Magical Cactus that makes you trip all of the balls. A wild woman hitches a ride and causes tension.
Comments:
A theme of full frontal nudity here. This time it is from Gaby Hoffman of Now & Then fame. While shaving your gine / pubes are a motif in Trance, here her pubes are a characteristic of her character, Crystal Fairy, who is wild and free and omg her aura is like, purple. Intolerable free spirit. You'll remember her vagina from an episode or two of Girls this past season. She plays essentially the same character here.

On the other hand, Michael Cera is mean to her which is funny but besides that he is a whiny little bitch who is obsessed with manipulating everyone's experience to revolve around him. There's a point after they take the drug where he has a bad trip and you want him to have the worst experience ever, but not if it involves him whining and yelling at everyone to take care of him and pay attention to him.

Spoiler Alert: Nothing happens
Grade: D

 

[mgoblue2290]

Carey Mulligan is such a plain jane, yet, the unobtainable type that always dates up for some odd reason.

I'm usually out on those types. :forgetit:

She seems like the type of person who would see a homeless person playing saxophone terribly and pretend like it was amazing and bemoan this incredible artists plight.

 

[Houston]

P.S-I realized that Drive probably doesn't hold up, so I made it a point to never see it again. Since there are so many holes in my memory for that movie I can fill them in with "that part was awesome!" and still enjoy the time I saw it. In moments of weakness I listen to the soundtrack, it helps alot.

 

[Palooza]

i posted Trance early, oops. Let me edit the right review in there, Trance should be next.

 

[Palooza]

85. Trance
James McAvoy, Vincent Cassel, Rosario Dawson​

Director(s): Danny Boyle
Writer(s): Joe Ahearne, John Hodge
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: April 5th
RT Score: 68% (112 fresh, 53 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: An art auctioneer (McAvoy) is knocked out during a robbery and forgets where he hid an expensive painting, the robbers (Vincent Cassel) use a hypnotist (Rosario Dawson) to try and figure it out. Nothing is what it seems.
Comments:
A really strange art movie about art that tries waaaaay too hard to be elaborate and psychologically mind bending. By having the main character get knocked unconscious and have a sort of amnesia, this creates a convoluted plot that gets stupider and stupider as it becomes unraveled. The key to the whole unraveling? Rosario Dawson's pubes.

There is one reason to see this movie - Rosario Dawson Full Frontal.

Spoiler Alert: Rosario Dawson's full frontal :banderas:
Grade: D

 

[Houston]

She seems like the type of person who would see a homeless person playing saxophone terribly and pretend like it was amazing and bemoan this incredible artists plight.

Gotta disagree with this one. A crowd of people could be breaking out in tears because of dat sweet sax, and she seems like she'd be the only one not moved by it. No emotions.

 

[LiquidLarry2GhostWF]

I liked Elysium...but was put off by how preachy it was. District 9 didn't push upon you its message. Elysium did, and it hurt the film. That said...I still liked it.

Truth be told, I've tried to watch Trance three or four times, all late at night, and jerked it to Rosario Dawson's full frontal each time and passed out. True story.

 

[mgoblue2290]

Gotta disagree with this one. A crowd of people could be breaking out in tears because of dat sweet sax, and she seems like she'd be the only one not moved by it. No emotions.

Well if the guy was actually talented sure. She'd definitely turn away. My scenario is some bum who found the thing in the trash trying to hit some any note at all. She probably thinks Yoko Ono is a great singer too.

 

[Palooza]

84. Olympus Has Fallen
Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett, Rick Yuen, Dylan McDermott, Melissa Leo, Radha Mitchell, Robert Forrester, Cole Hauser, Ashley Judd​

Director(s): Antoine Fuqua
Writer(s): Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: March 22nd
RT Score: 48% (87 fresh, 94 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Terrorists attack the White House and it's up to ONE MAN (Gerard Butler) to save the President (Aaron Eckhart)
Comments:
Sometimes experiences shape how you feel about something. This is exactly the case for Olympus Has Fallen. After guzzling some beers and burgers, my compadre and I ventured into the theater to check out OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN. I was feeling pretty drunk, so I was excited for shit to blow up. The previews went on and the movie began when my belly began to rumble. I thought I could deal, so I carried on. It wouldn't stop as I could feel my stomach turn and bubble, quickly flowing from my stomach to my butt. A finale rumble followed by a dark, hot and steamy fart; you could see the death cloud float through the theater. Once the scent hit my nostrils I knew this was going to be a bad experience. There is something about your own farts making you gag and grossing you out. When my farts are this ruthless I always say that they smell like someone else's fart because it surpasses that "everyone loves the smell of their own brand" point. So I pooped a fiery liquid and felt refreshed. This happened two more times and I missed a solid 45 minutes of the movie. This ruined my experience and I don't think there is any chance the film comes back from it. Every time I came back I was able to jump right back into it and I caught some cool action but this totally ruined my experience. I'm just glad this didn't happen when I saw White House Down.

In terms of what I saw - the film takes itself way too seriously, which is always a problem with movies with a ridiculous premise. The film is filled with generic actors who do not have the ability to be above the script, they just kind of float with everything, hitting the beats they're supposed to but no more no less. I wasn't impressed and neither was my butt.

Spoiler Alert: I don't even know.
Grade: C-

 

[Palooza]

83. John Dies at the End
Chase Williamson, Rob Mayers, Paul Giamatti, Clancy Brown, Glynn Turman, Doug Jones​

Director(s): Don Coscarelli
Writer(s): Don Coscarelli. David Wong [aka Jason Pargin] (based on his story)
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: January 25th
RT Score: 61% (49 fresh, 31 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: A drug called Soy Sauce allows you to drift through dimensions, but when you return you are no longer human. It's up to two deadbeats to save the world.
Comments:
A really strange fucking movie with a cheap Cronenberg/Lynch feel to it. It becomes way too absurd and ridiculous as it goes along. I enjoyed it but it wasn't any good. This is a seriously acquired taste; if you dig Cronenberg's weird 80's movies you should be all over this. Otherwise, not especially worth a watch unless you like shit to be as weird as humanly possible. It reminded me of the Alex Winter classic Freaks, too. This movie seriously belongs in the 80s or 90s. Seems out of place in 2013. Looking for pics for the movie I came across the theory that the film's title is a parody of the Jewish dating website, JDate :rofl:

Spoiler Alert: John doesn't really die at the end.
Grade: C-

 

[LiquidLarry2GhostWF]

83. Olympus Has Fallen
Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Morgan Freeman, Angela Bassett, Rick Yuen, Dylan McDermott, Melissa Leo, Radha Mitchell, Robert Forrester, Cole Hauser, Ashley Judd​

Director(s): Antoine Fuqua
Writer(s): Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt
MPAA Rating: R
Release Date: March 22nd
RT Score: 48% (87 fresh, 94 rotten)
The Plot by Palooza: Terrorists attack the White House and it's up to ONE MAN (Gerard Butler) to save the President (Aaron Eckhart)
Comments:
Sometimes experiences shape how you feel about something. This is exactly the case for Olympus Has Fallen. After guzzling some beers and burgers, my compadre and I ventured into the theater to check out OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN. I was feeling pretty drunk, so I was excited for shit to blow up. The previews went on and the movie began when my belly began to rumble. I thought I could deal, so I carried on. It wouldn't stop as I could feel my stomach turn and bubble, quickly flowing from my stomach to my butt. A finale rumble followed by a dark, hot and steamy fart; you could see the death cloud float through the theater. Once the scent hit my nostrils I knew this was going to be a bad experience. There is something about your own farts making you gag and grossing you out. When my farts are this ruthless I always say that they smell like someone else's fart because it surpasses that "everyone loves the smell of their own brand" point. So I pooped a fiery liquid and felt refreshed. This happened two more times and I missed a solid 45 minutes of the movie. This ruined my experience and I don't think there is any chance the film comes back from it. Every time I came back I was able to jump right back into it and I caught some cool action but this totally ruined my experience. I'm just glad this didn't happen when I saw White House Down.

In terms of what I saw - the film takes itself way too seriously, which is always a problem with movies with a ridiculous premise. The film is filled with generic actors who do not have the ability to be above the script, they just kind of float with everything, hitting the beats they're supposed to but no more no less. I wasn't impressed and neither was my butt.

Spoiler Alert: I don't even know.
Grade: C-

Friendship over.

 

[Palooza]

Friendship over.

Until I post my The Last Stand review.

 

[LiquidLarry2GhostWF]

Until I post my The Last Stand review.

Movies for guys who like movies.

SRS - I like that Olympus Has Fallen took itself a little seriously. It wasn't an insane, to the point, serious film. But it also wasn't making corny jokes or lamely meta. It was just a dude movie. Much better than White House Down, FWIW.

Olympus Has Fallen (and The Last Stand) were two surprise hits for me this year. Maybe it was a "right time, right place" for both...I don't know (I saw OHF a second time and enjoyed it just as much, so I lean no)...but both were just turn off your brain and watch shit go boom #fun. Olympus Has Fallen was kind of like what I wanted a GI Joe movie to be.

 

[Buzzman]

IDK if it was played for laughs or to prove America is the best but when Melissa Leo was dragged out of the room and she sang the Pledge of Allegiance, I was stunned.