Palooza's Top 125 Films of 2012

[Palooza]

119. Piranha 3DD

Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Katrina Bowden, David Koechner, Christopher Lloyd, Chris Zylka, Gary Busey, David Hassekhoff, Paul Sheer, Ving Rhames​

Director(s) - John Gulager
Writer(s) - Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan, Jon Soisson
Source Material/Connections - Sequel to the Remake from 2010
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - June 1
Runtime - 1 hour, 22 minutes
RT Score - 13%
Metacritic - 24/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!"
Review - We'll make this one quick - This is worse than the first one, but not as funny or spoofy or tongue-in-cheek-y. They tried too hard and failed miserably. Not even Hasselhoff or Gary Busey could save this one... NEXT!!
Spoiler Alert - People get eaten by Piranhas.
Rating - F

 

[dell71]

Piranha 3DD was so so sooooo much worse than the first one. Like you said, that one is funny, spoofy and tongue-in-cheek-y. It's bad but in an enjoyable way. 3DD is just complete shit. That might be my absolute worst of the year.

BTW, can't recall ever hearing of About Cherry. I'm glad.

 

[Palooza]

118. Resident Evil - Retribution

Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, Michelle Rodriguez, Aryana Engineer, Johann Urb, Kevin Durand, Li Bingbing, Boris Kodjoe, Oded Fehr, Colin Salmon, Shawn Roberts, Mika Nakashima​

Director(s) - Paul W. S. Anderson
Writer(s) - Paul W. S. Anderson
Source Material/Connections - #5 in the Resident Evil series.
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - September 14
Runtime - 1 hour 35 minutes
RT Score - 31%
Metacritic - 39/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "I became different. Powerful. Unstoppable. As I got stronger, the human race became weaker." Replace 'human race' with 'franchise'.
Review - My low expectations were met. It was fun to have seen characters from the other movies, but they're nobodies so you know it's a cash grab not a passion for the project. Paul W.S. Anderson is supposedly the guy with the passion for converting video games into movies, but these movies have just gotten pathetic at this point. Alice is unstoppable, everyone else doesn't matter because they will just introduce something new or just kink something from the old ones to fit their mold. I understand why the REAL Paul Anderson has to go by PT just to not be confused with this fucking guy.

Unless you are a huge Resident Evil fan, this is not worth your time.
Spoiler Alert - Maybe the next (and potentially final) one will the fun one.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

117. High School

Matt Bush, Sean Marquette, Adrien Brody, Michael Chiklis, Colin Hanks, Mykelti Williamson​

Director(s) - John Stalberg
Writer(s) - John Stalberg, Erik Linhorst, Stephen Susco
Source Material/Connections - none
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - June 1, 2012
Runtime - 1 hour 33 minutes
RT Score - 27%
Metacritic - 31/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "What?"
Review - This movie was made years ago, but just got a tiny release in 2012, hit shelves in September. There's a reason for that. It's fucking awful. Matt Bush is a smartypants who is trying to go to Big Name School and Sean Marquette, who is Chris Marquette's fat, retarded younger brother in real life, plays the i-think-I'm-cool-but-really-I'm-a-loser, stoner, I-don't-give-a-fuck guy. OH wait, you don't know who Chris Marquette is?! He is a legendary actor of the mid-2000's with roles such as fake-Eli Roth in The Girl Next Door (The fuck her for me guy) and the dude who unwillingly aids and abets Timberlake, Shawn Hatosy and Emile Hirsch in Alpha Dog. Well, yeah this isn't him this is his fat, retarded younger brother. Well these two get high together because fatty manipulates smartypants and now they're high as shit. Turns out, we gotta take a drug test tomorrow! THE WHOLE SCHOOL! But smartypants needs to go to fucking college, bro! How do we figure out a way to not get smartypants in trouble?! Get everyone high! THE WHOLE SCHOOL! But-but-but how will we ever get enough weed to make brownies for THE WHOLE SCHOOL!? I know! We'll steal kief from this pyschotic drug dealer (Adrien Brody) whose name is even "Psycho Ed" so you know he's crazy! His right hand man is Paranoid (Mykelti Williamson) and if you ask him why he's named that he will certainly ask you "Why you wanna know!?" Oh, hahahaha! Too perfect. Well played. Fuck you. Carrying on, they make the brownies, everyone is stoned off their ass, Psycho Ed comes looking for his shit, mayhem ensues and everyone blames it on the uptight Dean (Michael Chiklis) and the lame Assistant Dean (Colin Hanks).

Adrien Brody, I hope 2010 was rock bottom for you because this movie makes me lose a ton of respect for you. Maybe you'll redeem yourself later on in the list.
Spoiler Alert - People get high. Mayhem ensues.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

116. The Babymakers

Paul Schneider, Olivia Munn, Kevin Heffernan, Nat Faxon, Wood Harris, Jay Chandrasekhar, Aisha Tyler, M.C. Gainey​

Director(s) - Jay Chandrasekhar
Writer(s) - Peter Gaulke, Gerry Swallow
Source Material/Connections - none
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - August 3
Runtime - 1 hour 33 minutes
RT Score - 8%
Metacritic - 30/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Are you talking about robbing a sperm bank?"
Review - This movie has so many things wrong with it. This movie can be confused as another lame, boring attempt at comedy by the Farrelly brothers Instead, it's another lame, boring attempt at comedy from Broken Lizard leader, Jay Chandrasekhar. The film follows normal guy (Paul Schneider) and his hot wife (Olivia Munn) as they try to have a baby! It turns out, though, that normal guys sperm is a little on the weak side, so he can't knock her up. He knows this can't be true because he donated sperm years ago! He enlists his pals (Kevin Heffernan, Oscar winner Nat Faxon) and an Indian mobster (Jay Chandrasekhar) to help rob the sperm donation center where he once spilled his seed. I must add, I did get a bit of a kick out of the part when normal guy asks his friends to help him and black friend (Wood Harris) gets into his car and bails. This is what I should have done /Ebert. But I stayed and oh! it was a shaaame! Yeah so raunchy mayhem ensues and the good guys win and everyone is happy and blah blah fucking blah.

This movie is raunchy for the sake of being raunchy and then it's sweet and lame during the normal guy/hot girl relationship to keep it from going too far over the edge but it makes the movie seem fake and just bullshit. Movie sucks, Broken Lizard pretty much sucks even though they didn't write it. Super Troopers 2 will be exactly as awful as Boondock Saints II.
Spoiler Alert - Happiness, of course
Rating - F

 

[NAHSTE]

Broken Lizard pretty much sucks

I hate you.
:bryant:

 

[Palooza]

I hate you.
:bryant:

Dude, have you seen the Slammin Salmon?

 

[A Tasty Burgerr]

Its easy to forget how completely shit most of the movies that are made are.

 

[Buzzman]

Im surprised I saw only 3 of these so far.

 

[Palooza]

115. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Anthony Mackie, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Rufus Sewell, Jimmi Simpson, Marton Csonkas, Alan Tudyk​

Director(s) - Timur Bekmambetov
Writer(s) - Seth Grahame-Smith
Source Material/Connections - Based on the 2010 novel of the same name by Seth Grahame-Smith.
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - June 22
Runtime - 1 hour 45 minutes
RT Score - 35%
Metacritic - 42/100
Views - 1
Viewed - In theaters/3D
Quote - "Do you really want the truth, Mary?... Each and every night I go out... hunting vampires.... With an axe... a special silver axe, of course."
Review - This movie had serious sleeper potential. A ridiculous concept can go a long way, especially with a genre film like this. This could have been an awesome shut-your-brain-off B movie with some gratuitous violence and some cool tongue-in-cheek, self-aware humor. This is not what it turned out to be. This movie took itself entirely too seriously and the people involved with this film seemed to be the only people not in on the joke. It's hard to place the blame on one person, but the fact that Seth Grahame-Smith wrote the novel this is based on in addition to the screenplay seems as though he may be the true butt of the joke, taking this subject much more seriously than it deserves, it's Abe Lincoln fighting vampires for christ sake.

The acting is pretty horrendous as well with Liam Neeson/Eric Bana looking dude as Abe Lincoln, Bucky Barnes as the dude who teaches him the way of the axe, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Young Sally Field, Rufus Sewell as "da bad guy" all pretty damn incompetent.

Good idea for a ridiculous summer movie, piss poor execution.

edit - Thanks to Matt, he reminded me of the Party Down version of this film. Seriously no Breckin Meyer in this one? Or Henry Pollard? For shame. That episode gave us one of the funniest lines in the history of television - "No Nigger Soup"
Spoiler Alert - Lincoln is assassinated by John Wilkes Boothe
Rating - F

 

[Buzzman]

Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Young Sally Field

:lol:

 

[Palooza]

114. The Watch

Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Rosemarie DeWitt, Richard Ayoade, Will Forte, Mel Rodriguez, R. Lee Ermey, Nicholas Braun, Billy Crudup, Jorma Taccone, Andy Samberg​

Director(s) - Akiva Schaffer
Writer(s) - Jared Stern, Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg
Source Material/Connections - none
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - July 27
Runtime - 1 hour, 42 minutes
RT Score - 17%
Metacritic - 36/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Bob this is the shits." "It's just shit." "This, is just shit."
Review - What a mess. Let's take everything that sucks about Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn and Jonah Hill and let's throw it all into one movie! This films greatest accomplishment is trying so hard to be raunchy but in turn was actually extremely corny. Ben Stiller easily slips into the generic guy with feminine qualities while Vince Vaughn puts on his best Four Christmases/Couples Retreat face and screams the most obnoxious things he can think of all the while drinking a beer in his mancave, because he's a cool dude who just wants to have some fun. Jonah Hill takes his character from 21 Jump Street, morphs into Channing Tatum's character but replaces the humor with his work in The Sitter. That's essentially his character. Still with me? Well these three and this English dude (Richard Ayoade), who is more well known for his writing/directing here in the States having made 2011's Submarine and being the director behind the great Pulp Fiction themed Birthday Party episode of Community, "Critical Film Studies" (also know as "My Dinner with Abed") decide to start a neighborhood watch because some dude got killed in the Costco that Stiller works at. This neighborhood watch thing has them stumble on aliens and shit. It is now their duty to save the world one shitty raunchy joke at a time. Rosemarie DeWitt plays Stiller's neglected wife (closet homo for sho) and she is really MILF-y, she deserves better than Ben Stiller's lame-ass. Billy Crudup is Stiller's creepy neighbor who is totally into him but in an alien-like way but it turns out he actually just wants him to join in on his orgy, which Ayoade jumps in on, not to be seen from again until we need him. :thumbsup: What a sloppy piece of shit.

Director Avika Schaeffer, of the Lonely Island fame, has only one other film under his belt - 2007's Hot Rod, a monumental piece of shit, which I know some people like but that is ridiculous. That movie is awful and so is this one. I'm not much of a fan of The Lonely Island to begin with, so I don't mind seeing them fail. This movie is an embarrassment to all involved, even Ben Stiller.
Spoiler Alert - One of them is an alien but he helps save the day thanks to an orgy.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

113. American Reunion

Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Seann William Scott, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Chris Klein, Mena Suvari, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Eugene Levy, Jennifer Coolidge, Tara Reid, John Cho, Katrina Bowden, Dania Ramirez, Jay Harrington, Ali Corbin, Natasha Lyonne, Shannon Elizabeth, Rebecca DeMornay, Chris Owen​

Director(s) - Jon Hurwitz , Hayden Schlossberg
Writer(s) - Adam Herz, Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg
Source Material/Connections - The fourth theatrically released American Pie
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - April 6
Runtime - 1 hour, 50 minutes
RT Score - 44%
Metacritic - 49/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "They splashed us, soooo...." Replace 'splash' with 'paid'.
Review - I'm sure it felt real good for all the has-beens this film is filled with to be in the spotlight once again, but what a mistake the final product is. It's the plot of every American Pie except now all the characters are creepy grown ups. Every gag is tired and can be seen from miles away. Biggs continues to do his best Ben Stiller, which is just plain awful, Stiffler's raunchy douchebaggery is as over the top as its ever been and it barely works here at all. Finch is of course some smug Euro-trash wannabe, but it turns out... he's a fraud! dun dun dun! He lies to his friends because he's embarrassed he's doing nothing with his life. It doesn't matter, HAPPY ENDING BRO! You get Dania Ramirez because she used to be fat and has low self esteem and she likes you for who you are not your job! Oh of course I forgot - LOL Chris Klein. Just... lol. Not in a good way.

It's horribly unfortunate that Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg are behind this mess of a film because I highly bsmug enjoyed the Harold and Kumar franchise. It's a combination of the stale, overused jokes, a poor attempt at baiting audiences into nostalgia and a cast of has-beens that kills this movie. Hopefully this is the nail in the coffin for these douchebags.
Spoiler Alert - Tara Reid is alive.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

112. Lola Versus

Greta Gerwig, Joel Kinnaman, Zoe Lister Jones, Hamish Linklater, Bill Pullman, Debra Winger​

Director(s) - Daryl Wein
Writer(s) - Daryl Wein
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - June 8
Runtime - 1 hour, 29 minutes.
RT Score - 34%
Metacritic - 39/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "I'm slutty, but I'm a good person."
Review - How many coming of age, girl in a big city, romantic comedy tropes can you fit into one movie? SOMEONE CALL GUINNES, I THINK THIS FILM HAS THE RECORD. Seriously, everything in this movie is a tired cliche we've seen over and over and over. And that's mpt even the worst part. The worst part is how Greta Gerwig embodies everything that men hate about women. She's nagging, obnoxious, doesn't know what she wants, clingy, stupid, not sexy, etc etc etc.

The whorish best friend with all the advice is the only part I could stand in the movie. She's obnoxious and foul mouthed, but I can dig an attractive girl who is awkwardly sexual all the time. However, I found out she wrote this horrible piece of shit so she can go die in a fire. Joel Kinnaman, too, go ruin your career with another season of the Killing.

Seriously, not even President Whitmore could save this one. I hope all the characters die in an alien invasion, they deserve miserable deaths.
Spoiler Alert - Bitches runnin' wild.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

111. Chernobyl Diaries

Jesse McCartney, Jonathan Sadowski, Devin Kelley, Olivia Taylor Dudley, Nathan Phillips, Ingrid Bolso Berdal, Dimitri Diatchenko​

Director(s) - Bradley Parker
Writer(s) - Oren Peli, Carey Van Dyke, Shane Van Dyke, Martin Solibakke
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - May 25, 2012
Runtime - 1 hour, 26 minutes
RT Score - 20%
Metacritic - 32/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "My friends are idiots"
Review - I don't even remember anything about this movie I just know it's classic cliche euro tourism gone bad brought to you by the asshole who created Paranormal Activity. Avoid at all costs
Spoiler Alert - Don't fuck with Eastern Europe, Americans.
Rating - F

 

[Villain]

Everything I say is garbage.

:glen:

 

[Palooza]

110. The Raven

John Cusack, Alice Eve, Luke Evans, Brendan Gleeson, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Kevin McNally, Sam Hazeldine, Pam Ferris, John Warnaby​

Director(s) - James McTeigue
Writer(s) - Ben Livingston, Hannah Shakespeare
Source Material/Connections - based on history.. with a twist!
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - April 27
Runtime - 1 hour, 50 minutes
RT Score - 22%
Metacritic - 44/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "You are referring to one of my stories. A work of fiction!"
Review - Someone is using Edgar Allan Poe's gruesome stories as an inspiration for murder and it's up to Poe himself (John Cusack) to stop him. This more paint-by-numbers, cliched bullshit. I'm pretty sure most of the writers in Hollywood are just the manatees from South Park's Cartoon Wars episodes. Speaking of writers, is there anything more annoying than an Edgar Allan Poe movie written by someone who has the last name "Shakespeare"? Not even sure if that's her real last name but that's just so obnoxious. She's a nobody and someone at the studio was probably just trying to be cute.

And of course our biggest problem is John Cusack. Seeing him as a sensationalized Edgar Allan Poe is just an absolute joke, but also absolutely perfect for such a lame movie like this. He is exactly the type of mid-level actor that would headline such a dud, he's a safe choice for mediocrity. Me personally though? I hate his fucking guts and can only stand a handful of his movies. I knew I was gunna hate this one and hate-watch it I did. The sensationalism of Poe is pathetic in and of itself but the filmmakers even have enough balls as to suggest that the killer actually winds up poisoning Poe, allowing the killer to get away. HOWEVA, Poe stumbles onto a park bench, tells some random person to tell Poe's partner throughout the film (Luke Evans). Killer is on a train in England about to do the same to Jules Verne and he's all la dee da life is good but BAM partner, bang, credits. Oh spoiler alert. Also Alice Eve is who Poe was actually in love with and she wasn't 12. I'm gunna give Brendan Gleeson a pass on this one.

Also - on imdb it has "People who liked this movie also liked..." This first of this movie's suggestions is - Man on a Ledge! That is all that needs to be said. If you liked Man on a Ledge you probably also loved this! And every movie on the list so far.
Spoiler Alert - Edgar Allan Poe is dead.
Rating - F

 

[Cornelius]

Wow, some real crapfests to round out your list.

 

[Palooza]

109. Hit & Run

Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Bradley Cooper, Tom Arnold, Kristen Chenoweth, Beau Bridges, Joy Bryant, Ryan Hansen, David Koechner, Michael Rosenbaum​

Director(s) - David Palmer, Dax Shepard
Writer(s) - Dax Shepard
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - August 22
Runtime - 1 hour, 40 minutes
RT Score - 48%
Metacritic - 50/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - Dax has the corniest little omg everything is gunna be okay speech that I will not repeat.
Review - Dax Shepard's self indulgent ode to his two loves - cars and Kristen Bell. And for that reason, this movie should not even exist. There's no passion for filmmaking just for Dax Shepard to suck his own dick, but he's sucking his own dick so she doesn't have to. It's love man. Hollywood love. *fartnoise* The "plot" is that Dax Shepard is in witness protection because he snitched on his friend (Bradley Cooper). He lies to Kristen Bell, but she forgives him because they are going on a road trip of love.. and to get away from newly released from prison Cooper and Bell's ex (Michael Rosenbaum). Oh. I forgot - the Marshall who oversees Shepard's case is none other than Tom Arnold. They put him through hell in this movie and it's all for naught because it's embarrassing and pathetic, not funny. I only laughed one time throughout this entire movie and that was when Bradley Cooper was talking about getting buttraped in prison. Also Tom Arnold is gay.
Spoiler Alert - Love conquers all.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

Wow, some real crapfests to round out your list.

still a bunch more to go.

and a heavy amount of mediocrity.