Palooza's Top 125 Films of 2012

[Palooza]

108. The Dictator

Sacha Baron Cohen, Anna Faris, Ben Kingsley, Jason Mantzoukas, John C. Reilly, Bobby Lee, Sayed Badreyah, Fred Armisen, Mark Campbell, Edward Norton, Megan Fox, Garry Schandling, Chris Parnell​

Director(s) - Larry Charles
Writer(s) - Sacha Baron Cohen, Alec Berg, David Mandel, Jeff Schaffer
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - May 16
Runtime - 1 hour, 23 minutes
RT Score - 58%
Metacritic - 58/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Give a man a vagina and he will shpichs for a day. Teach a man to use his hand as a vagina, and he will shpichs for a lifetime."
Review - I LOVE LOVE LOVE Da Ali G Show. I thought Ali G inda House was pretty bad, Borat was overrated but still pretty funny, Bruno was extremely difficult to watch. That's where I stand on Sacha Baron Cohen and I will proclaim that everything I loved about him is gone. This movie isn't smart at all, it's embarrassing (in the wrong way for Cohen), crude, obnoxious and especially dumb. The jokes are dumbed down for an Adam Sandler audience. This honestly feels like a Sandler vehicle. At least Sandler was always destined for catering to the dumb Americans, but that's not you Cohen. That's not you. You lost all your comedic power by becoming well known and popular. Scripted films are not your strong suit. I'm sorry. Rest in Peace, buddy.
Spoiler Alert - The Sacha Baron Cohen we all loved so much may be dead.
Rating - F

 

[Senser81]

109. Hit & Run

Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Bradley Cooper, Tom Arnold, Kristen Chenoweth, Beau Bridges, Joy Bryant, Ryan Hansen, David Koechner, Michael Rosenbaum​

I like the cast list for this movie. Bell (ok, movie's probably gonna suck), Cooper (movie will suck), Chenoweth (movie will be terrible), Beau Bridges (movie will go straight to DVD)...


Do you think Cusack has a drug/gambling problem? Why does he continue to churn out terrible movies?

 

[Palooza]

John Cusack is gay and is terrified to be in the spotlight because he may be exposed, so he stays as under the radar as possible. He has no true fans except the bitches who loves his roles from the 80's. I'm also pretty certain he and Jeremy Piven used to be gay lovers and once Piven smelled the ability to get out of Cusack's shadow (thanks Entourage!) he took the money and fame and bailed on Cusack.

 

[Palooza]

107. Lockout

Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace, Lennie James, Peter Stormare, Vincent Regen, Joseph Gilgun​

Director(s) - James Mather, Steven St. Leger
Writer(s) - James Mather, Steven St. Leger
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - April 13
Runtime - 1 hour, 35 minutes
RT Score - 39%
Metacritic - 48/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "I'm just enjoying the silence."
Review - I'm a big Guy Pearce fan, but he's another victim of the Bale-voiced badass-who-only-cares-about-himself-until-this-one-time.. in a cliche action movie. The plot is essentially Escape From New York mixed with Taken and tossed into space. It's typical Luc Besson bullshit, something we'll get into our next post. They even went and got the same "kidnapped daughter" from Taken, Maggie Grace. That's how recycled you know this movie is. It's just bits and pieces of every action movie you've ever seen, especially from Luc Besson. This is an obvious pathetic attempt at a cash grab and it fails miserably.

I'm sure this movie will wind up on FX at some point and it will gain a cult following, but for now - GARBAGE.
Spoiler Alert - Sol's the mole
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

106. Taken 2

Liam Neeson, Maggie Grace, Famke Janssen, Leland Orser, Jon Gries, D.B. Sweeney, Luke Grimes, Rade Serbedzija​

Director(s) - Olivier Megaton
Writer(s) - Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kaman
Source Material/Connections - Sequel to 2008's Taken
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - October 5
Runtime - 1 hour, 32 minutes
RT Score - 21%
Metacritic - 45/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Listen to me carefully, Kim. Your mother; is going to be taken. And people are gonna come for you to." "What are you going to do?" "What I do best."
Review - Taken is not a good movie. Entertaining? Sure. Ridiculous? Yes. There's a reason why that film was delayed for so long - it wasn't very good. I don't know what happened but it gained a huge following because now Liam Neeson is the biggest badass of all time, even though he's like 60 years old and saved a ton of Jews back in the day. Either way, I'm a fan of his as an actor, but not too much as an action star. Taken was cool for what it was, but making a sequel is just really pathetic. I can't believe he would even subject himself to this bullshit. This time, Neeson has to go to Turkey for "work" and in an effort to bring his family back together, he invites his ex wife (Famke Jannsen) and daughter (Maggie Grace) along. Meanwhile, the friends and family of the slain bad guys from the first one swear revenge and begin plotting Neeson's takedown. In Europe, Neeson and his ex are kidnapped, but not before he creates some elaborate attempt to get away. It's foiled thanks to his dumb ex. Now, Maggie Grace has to play Neeson's role and save her parents. Except, Neeson has a cell phone in his sock and walks her through everything. And calls his CIA buddies. And we win!

That's the movie. The action scenes are okay, nothing special. For this film, I blame Luc Besson. Remember the manatees I mentioned earlier? Luc Besson is one of those, too, but with action movies. All of his are the same just with a few details tossed in or out and bam, we have ourselves a new movie. Should have left this one alone, Besson.
Spoiler Alert - This movie shouldn't exist, it's the same as the first one but worse.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

105. Deadfall

Eric Bana, Olivia Wilde, Charlie Hunnam, Kate Mara, Treat Williams, Sissy Spacek, Kris Kirstofferson​

Director(s) - Stefan Ruzowitsky
Writer(s) - Zach Dean
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - December 7 (limited)
Runtime - 1 hour, 34 minutes
RT Score - 33%
Metacritic - 52/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "It's a good sign when you feel a little bad."
Review - This movie has that random thriller you see while scrolling through Netflix or Redbox and there's a whole mess of people you've heard of in it, but you've never actually heard of the movie. This is that to a T. After last year's Hannah, Eric Bana is back in the cold except this time, he and his sister (Olivia Wilde) rob banks or sumshit. They're stranded in a small town and they decide to split up. Eric Bana strolls through the woods, killing bad people to humanize him and cops to show how fucked up he is. Hot on his trail is the neglected daughter (Kate Mara) of the Sheriff (Treat Williams), who happens to be a family friend of the guy Wilde is cozing up with (Charlie Hunnam), looking for a ride to escape to Canada. Oh and it's Thanksgiving. Spoilers next, Hunnam is fresh out of jail and the cops are after him because he's a boxer and the promoter who fucked him over just got knocked the fuck out by Hunnam and is probably dead. So, Hunnam falls in love with Wilde and he takes her to meet his parents(Kris Kirstofferson, Sissy Spacek for Thanksgiving, but Bana is already there, having held them hostage. Kate Mara comes along for the ride and we have ourselves one awkward dinner. A shootout goes down, Sheriff shows up, accidently shoots his daughter, he gets shot and then Hunnam and Bana fight outside and it ends with Olivia Wilde killing Bana. Turns out the promotor/coach/trainer/whatever only had a concussion and so Hunnam is free! WE ARE HAPPY! ...kind of.

The direct-to-DVD feel is really hard to explain, but it's just a low-budget corniness on top of a cookie cutter script, the only thing it's missing is Wesley Snipes or Bruce Willis. It reminds me a lot of the Mickey Rourke, Thomas Jane, Diane Lane, JGL movie from a few years back called Killshot. Movie is extremely forgetful and not worth anyone's time.
Spoiler Alert - Everyone learns their lesson and lives happily ever after.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

104. Ghost Rider - Spirit of Vengeance

Nicolas Cage, Idris Elba, Ciaran Hinds, Violante Placido, Johnny Whitworth, Anthony Head, Fergus Riordan​

Director(s) - Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
Writer(s) - Scott M. Gimple, Seth Hoffman, David S. Goyer
Source Material/Connections - Sequel to 2007's Ghost Rider
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - February 17
Runtime - 1 hour, 35 minutes
RT Score - 17%
Metacritic - 32/100
Views - 2
Viewed - Torrent / Starz
Quote - "It doesn't matter how far you run. There are some demons you just can't escape."
Review - This is a really hard movie to judge and even harder to like. I just didn't hate this movie as much as I wanted to, especially since I made sure to watch the first one beforehand, just to get some extra hatred flowing, but that may have worked to the sequels advantage. It is nowhere near as bad as Ghost Rider because that film has a special place not only the Hollywood Hall of Shame, but also the Nic Cage Hall of Shame. Losing Eva Mendez was one of my few gripes between movies. Ciaran Hinds was a better Satan, he is much scarier and intimidating than Peter Fonda's version. The addition of Idris Elba really helped me keep with the flow of this movie, he certainly helps the viewer sympathize with the film itself because Nic Cage sure ain't doin' it. The guys from Crank put this movie together and they do as decent enough of an over-the-top supernatural comic book film job that you can't blame them for too many of the problems. Everybody already knows this movie is bad and it's typical Nic Cage, so I saved my breath with the bashing. You guys know why this movie would suck, I decided to just briefly mention what I actually took from this movie rather than the obvious bashing. Bashing this movie is just too easy, I guess.
Spoiler Alert - It's a Nic Cage movie, you don't care what happens.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

103. Total Recall

Colin Farrell, Jessica Biel, Kate Beckinsale, Bryan Cranston, Bill Nighy, John Cho, Bokeem Woodbine, Steve Byers​

Director(s) - Len Wiseman
Writer(s) - Kurt Wimmer
Source Material/Connections - Remake of the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Total Recall based off of the Philip K. Dick short story "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale"
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - August 3
Runtime - 2 hours, 1 minute
RT Score - 31%
Metacritic - 43/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Consider that a divorce!"
Review - This is not any Total Recall I know. This movie tries too hard to be slick, cool and futuristic with too thin of a plot and what is essentially the tamest version of the original as possible. Colin Farrell is back to his The Recruit ways here, skating through the role on cruise control. Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel are brilliant choices for the attractive women in the movie, but there's not much more to them than "badass after Quaid's life" and "badass after Quaid's heart". Beckinsale gets the same type of overdone fight scenes like she would in her husband's other movies, the Underworld franchise. There's not heart and soul in this movie and the ridiculous from the original is nowhere to be found and thankfully so because that wouldn't work today; it's a product of its time. The story is horribly straight forward, too. At no real point do they ever try to blur reality with the dream state Quaid may or may not be in. You are pretty much convinced this all real very early on although I do applaud them for not pulling the rug out from under the audience just to pull the rug out and make this just an implanted memory after never blurring those lines throughout. Bill Nighy is wasted as underground leader Matthias and Cranston does a magnificent over-the-top villain job in this, but it's useless and can't keep the movie afloat.

This is a pathetic excuse for a Total Recall movie and everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.
Spoiler Alert - Good guys win, it was not a dream or an implanted memory.
Rating - F

 

[Senser81]

Does Maggie Grace get kidnapped in both movie #107 and movie #106?

 

[Palooza]

Does Maggie Grace get kidnapped in both movie #107 and movie #106?

She does not get kidnapped in Taken 2, she decides to play matchmaker and forced her divorced parents to go out on the town on their own, parents get kidnapped and Liam Neeson calls her from his satellite phone that is tucked in his sock. He has her toss grenades onto rooftops so he can direct her to where he is. She breaks him out and they partner up to the save the mom.

In Lockout, she is a psychologist or something, investigating the effects staying in a prison that is on the Moon or Mars or sumshit has on people. Her patient escapes and there is a huge riot. She's captured and Pearce is hired by the President to save her (she's the Presidents's daughter).

 

[Palooza]

102. The Details

Tobey Maguire, Elizabeth Banks, Laura Linney, Ray Liotta, Kerry Washington, Dennis Haysbert​

Director(s) - Jacob Aaron Estes
Writer(s) - Jacob Aaron Estes
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - November 2 (limited)
Runtime - 1 hour, 31 minutes
RT Score - 47%
Metacritic - 56/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "It's impossible to reason with an unreasonable person."
Review - It's really hard to like a movie when you absolutely loathe every single character. They can go get caught in a Saw trap for all I care, they have no redeeming qualities. In classic indie dramedy fashion, a loveless marriage between a doctor (Tobey Maguire) and his wife (Elizabeth Banks) is complicated by a couple of raccoons tearing up their backyard. Quirky characters, bored rich people, infidelity, all bullshit you've seen a million times from the genre. It's obnoxious and overdone at this point. The plot pretty much sees the decline of both Maguire's character and his marriage. He fucks the psychotic neighbor played by an over-the-top quirky Laura Linney and he also fucks his dime piece best friend, Kerry Washington. Washington's husband (Ray Liotta) isn't too pleased, so he embarrasses him a little bit and the only good scene of the movie is when Liotta forces Maguire into either paying him an obnoxious amount of money or admitting what he did to his wife. Obviously, Maguire comes up with the money and Loitta is disgusted. Maguire's character tries to redeem his horrible choices by giving his kidney to a guy he plays ball with (Dennis Haysbert). I can't remember what becomes of this, I think Haysbert sees his true colors and either dies or tells him to fuck off. That last sentence could be 100% bullshit, I don't remember.

It's so easy to hate Tobey Maguire it's not even fair. He's certainly the type of creepy looking weirdo that would thrive in indie fare, but he has too much self worth thanks to Spiderman and his earlier career. It makes me cringe seeing him fuck the fine piece of ass that is Kerry Washington, he deserves Laura Linney's weird ass. How most people feel about Tobey Maguire is exactly how they'll feel about this movie - It thinks it has much more going for than it truly does.
Spoiler Alert - Elizabeth Banks had been cheating on Tobey Maguire for months.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

101. Trouble with the Curve

Clint Eastwood, Amy Adams, Justin Timberlake, Matthew Lillard, John Goodman, Robert Patrick, Scott Eastwood​

Director(s) - Robert Lorenz
Writer(s) - Randy Brown
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - September 21
Runtime - 1 hour, 50 minutes
RT Score - 51%
Metacritic - 58/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "What do you say now jackass? Thats known as trouble with the curve."
Review - If Oprah had a movie club like she does her book club, this movie would certainly be a part of it. It's boring, lame, unrealistic, etc. I don't care for baseball in the least, but it's still a sport and I will defend sports for life. This movie seems as though it is a sports movie through the eyes of some woman who only knows the basics. It's incredible how they were able to make baseball even more boring than it already is.

The plot follows Clint Eastwood as he chats with his penis and reads the paper. Oh and he's a baseball scout whose contract is about to be up and even though he's the best of all time, the game is changing. Youth and technology are embodied by Matthew Lillard. Their boss (Robert Patrick) sends Clint down to some top prospect's town to see if he's really got what it takes to be a Brave. Lillard has a scout of his own go, too. Amy Adams tags along with her pops because work sucks and we need to bond, pops. John Goodman said so. There we meet new scout for the team picking right before the Braves, played by Justin Timberlake. Recruited by Eastwood, they're waxing on and waxing off baseball knowledge while JT and Adams fall for each other. Blah blah blah, Adams sees the prospects inability to hit a curve, HENCE THE TITLE KIND OF and she and Eastwood convince JT to pass on him because we're all friends here. Eastwood recommends passing but Lillard insists, so they pick him. Adams runs into some Mexican and tries him out against top prospect and he strikes him out 100 times, Lillard is fired and Eastwood rules again. The end.

One of the huge problems with the movie is the characterization. Amy Adams' character is the biggest problem because she is "one of the boys" but isn't accepted by either baseball folk or the men at her job because she's a woman. Classic! On top of all of this, she knows literally every baseball stat ever, knows whether a guy can hit a curveball and be the #1 overall pick after one pitch. Oh and she's adorable with a great job. Yep, she's a character in a movie. Where it really got to me is at one point, Adams spots a Mexican landscaper playing catch with a kid and she's like I can handle your pitches, my dad is a scout, I eat baseballs for breakfast. So this guy drops 90+ mph fastball and curveball and she's catching them like she's Yogi Berra. Absolutely insane.

Everything is so immediate, too. All of a sudden, JT if fired because he passed on who the Braves took and when he was proven to actually suck because curveballs, Matthew Lillard is the dumbest guy on Earth and fired. This movie is a fucking mess. Do not watch unless you wanna see Eastwood talk to his dick.

Spoiler Alert - Humble Mexicans are better than loud mouthed whiteys.
Rating - F

 

[Fappin Raptor]

I stopped watching The Dictator about 30 minutes in. uke:

 

[Palooza]

We are 1/5 of the way through, ladies and gentleman. So far we have -

125. Alex Cross
124. Man on a Ledge
123. Friends with Kids
122. The Words
121. About Cherry
120. House at the End of the Street
119. Piranha 3DD
118. Resident Evil - Retribution
117. High School
116. The Babymakers
115. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
114. The Watch
113. American Reunion
112. Lola Versus
111. Chernobyl Diaries
110. The Raven
109. Hit & Run
108. The Dictator
107. Lockout
106. Taken 2
105. Deadfall
104. Ghost Rider - Spirit of Vengeance
103. Total Recall
102. The Details
101. Trouble with the Curve

 

[Senser81]

101. The Trouble with the Curve

Clint Eastwood, Amy Adams, Justin Timberlake, Matthew Lillard, John Goodman, Robert Patrick, Scott Eastwood​

Director(s) - Robert Lorenz
Writer(s) - Randy Brown
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - September 21
Runtime - 1 hour, 50 minutes
RT Score - 51%
Metacritic - 58/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "What do you say now jackass? Thats known as trouble with the curve."
Review - If Oprah had a movie club like she does her book club, this movie would certainly be a part of it. It's boring, lame, unrealistic, etc. I don't care for baseball in the least, but it's still a sport and I will defend sports for life. This movie seems as though it is a sports movie through the eyes of some woman who only knows the basics. It's incredible how they were able to make baseball even more boring than it already is.

The plot follows Clint Eastwood as he chats with his penis and reads the paper. Oh and he's a baseball scout whose contract is about to be up and even though he's the best of all time, the game is changing. Youth and technology are embodied by Matthew Lillard. Their boss (Robert Patrick) sends Clint down to some top prospect's town to see if he's really got what it takes to be a Brave. Lillard has a scout of his own go, too. Amy Adams tags along with her pops because work sucks and we need to bond, pops. John Goodman said so. There we meet new scout for the team picking right before the Braves, played by Justin Timberlake. Recruited by Eastwood, they're waxing on and waxing off baseball knowledge while JT and Adams fall for each other. Blah blah blah, Adams sees the prospects inability to hit a curve, HENCE THE TITLE KIND OF and she and Eastwood convince JT to pass on him because we're all friends here. Eastwood recommends passing but Lillard insists, so they pick him. Adams runs into some Mexican and tries him out against top prospect and he strikes him out 100 times, Lillard is fired and Eastwood rules again. The end.

One of the huge problems with the movie is the characterization. Amy Adams' character is the biggest problem because she is "one of the boys" but isn't accepted by either baseball folk or the men at her job because she's a woman. Classic! On top of all of this, she knows literally every baseball stat ever, knows whether a guy can hit a curveball and be the #1 overall pick after one pitch. Oh and she's adorable with a great job. Yep, she's a character in a movie. Where it really got to me is at one point, Adams spots a Mexican landscaper playing catch with a kid and she's like I can handle your pitches, my dad is a scout, I eat baseballs for breakfast. So this guy drops 90+ mph fastball and curveball and she's catching them like she's Yogi Berra. Absolutely insane.

Everything is so immediate, too. All of a sudden, JT if fired because he passed on who the Braves took and when he was proven to actually suck because curveballs, Matthew Lillard is the dumbest guy on Earth and fired. This movie is a fucking mess. Do not watch unless you wanna see Eastwood talk to his dick.

Spoiler Alert - Humble Mexicans are better than loud mouthed whiteys.
Rating - F

Awesome review. There are so many movies about baseball, and so many of them are unrealistic. I think you should do a review of The Natural, even though it wasn't a 2012 film.

 

[Glenbino]

Only movie so far I've seen is man on a ledge. Reading the review I was shocked to learn Ed Harris was in it so that goes to show how memorable it was.

Palooza watches as much terrible film as I do terrible television. When the Ghost Rider sequel isn't even in the bottom ten of movies you've sat through in one calendar year I really have to applaud the dedication.

 

[Palooza]

100. Brave

Kelly Macdonald, Emma Thompson, Billy Connolly, Julie Walters, Craig Ferguson, Kevin McKidd, Robbie Coltrane, John Ratzenberger​

Director(s) - Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman, Steve Purcell
Writer(s) - Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman, Steve Purcell, Irene Mecchi, Michael Arndt
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - PG
Release Date - June 22
Runtime - 1 hour, 33 minutes
RT Score - 78%
Metacritic - 69/100
Views - 1
Viewed - In theaters
Quote - "You only have to be brave enough to see it."
Review - I fell asleep during this movie. In theaters. Something like this never happens to me. Obviously I've seen a ton of shit so far this year and all of them have been a struggle to watch, but never did I fall asleep. Except here. After my girlfriend noticed I had woken up and she leaned over to me and said "what an embarrassment." Truer words cannot be expressed about this movie. This is an embarrassment for Pixar. I got up to the point where the mom turned into a bear and I couldn't keep my eyes open any more.

Up until that point the movie was a cliche-ridden mess. It was every fairy tale ever written mixed with Pixar animation minus smart direction, an adorable cast of characters, a clever script and the heart and soul that is put into every Pixar movie (except Cars and its sequel). An embarrassment, I tell ya. I wonder if Margaret Schroder had anything to do with it.
Spoiler Alert - Fairy tales always end the same.
Rating - F

 

[NAHSTE]

Two things:

- John Cusack is the fucking worst
- Trouble With the Curve was the worst baseball movie ever made, even worse than Major League 3: Back to the Minors, and was easily the worst movie I've seen this year

 

[DoubleDeuce]

I've only seen a handful of these, but I enjoyed Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter so much more than Trouble with the Curve (not that it's good at all). Trouble with the Curve might be the worst sports movie I've ever seen

 

[Pitty]

I've only seen a handful of these, but I enjoyed Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter so much more than Trouble with the Curve (not that it's good at all). Trouble with the Curve might be the worst sports movie I've ever seen

This one didn't have Rob Schneider, so I think the Benchwarmers still holds the title.