Palooza's Top 125 Films of 2012

[NAHSTE]

Okay one more thing:

Where it really got to me is at one point, Adams spots a Mexican landscaper playing catch with a kid and she's like I can handle your pitches, my dad is a scout, I eat baseballs for breakfast. So this guy drops 90+ mph fastball and curveball and she's catching them like she's Yogi Berra. Absolutely insane.

:dead:

What is also incredible about this scene is that kid is the same one who is seen earlier in the movie selling peanuts at the hot prospect's high school game, when the hot prospect publicly shames him and all that, and of course the boy is throwing the peanuts WITH HIS LEFT HAND ... FORESHADOWING.

 

[Cornelius]

John Cusack is gay and is terrified to be in the spotlight because he may be exposed, so he stays as under the radar as possible. He has no true fans except the bitches who loves his roles from the 80's. I'm also pretty certain he and Jeremy Piven used to be gay lovers and once Piven smelled the ability to get out of Cusack's shadow (thanks Entourage!) he took the money and fame and bailed on Cusack.

You probably know this, but for folks that don't, Piven's parents run/ran (might be dead) a famous acting school north of Chicago. The Cusacks, John and Joan, are alumns of that school. Consider me a bitch who loves his shit in the 80's, but you are 100% right about the churn of utter shit he's had in the last couple decades. Grosse Pointe Blank probably one of my only likes of his in the last two decades(fixed, posted this super late..lol@centuries).

I also think he's a sports fan fraud. Dude is reportedly a White Sox fan, wore a Sox hat in 1408, terrible btw. I then went to a Cubs/Pirates game and the fucker was singing Take Me Out to the Ball Game and yelling Go Cubbies?

 

[Palooza]

99. Why Stop Now?

Jesse Eisenberg, Melissa Leo, Tracy Morgan, Isiah Whitlock, Jr, Sarah Ramos, Emma Rayne Lyle, Stephanie March, Tanya Wright​

Director(s) - Phil Dorling, Ron Nyswaner
Writer(s) - Phil Dorling, Ron Nyswaner
Source Material/Connections - n/a
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - August 17 (limited)
Runtime - 1 hour 25 minutes
RT Score - 25%
Metacritic - 36/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Respect's gone out the window these days."
Review - This movie is pretty all over the place with a little too heavy heart at times and pretty unfunny throughout. Eli (Jesse Eisenberg) is an irresponsible music prodigy who has had enough of taking care of his drug addict mother (Melissa Leo) and his emotionally disturbed younger sister (Emma Rayne Lyle). This is a comedy. Where are the laughs in this plot description you ask? Well here. we. go. After a long night of drinking, Eli has his big piano audition. This is the same day he's decided to force his mother into rehab. They go, but she's clean so they can't admit her. They decide that if she does a little bit of drugs now, they can show up later with her dirty piss. Now it's off to the drug dealer's house! That's Tracy Morgan by the way. Tracy Morgan's got some errands to run and some drugs to deal, so mayhem ensues.

Jesse Eisenberg hasn't been doing too well for himself these days and this movie just adds right to it. It's unfortunate that the times he has tried to break out of his shell and only be remotely awkward instead of completely awkward, he's hasn't had much success. 30 Minutes or Less was pretty not terrible, but he was mostly terrible. Here, he tries his chops at more straight forward comedy, trying to be as unawkward as possible. To say the least, it doesn't really work. He's got this sad neurotic but in a serious, not Woody Allen way about him that makes him a completely unsympathetic character. Speaking of unsympathetic characters, the person we are supposed to be rooting for to be in a safe home with a competent mother, is the absolute worst. Her unfortunate family situation has definitely left some scars as she's pretty crazy, obnoxious, defiant and annoying. She has this sock puppet with an evil voice that made me want to leap through the screen and strangle the poor child. Melissa Leo is a pretty fantastic actress who shouldn't be subjecting herself to trash like this. This is typical Tracy Morgan, obnoxious and dumb yet wise through his stupidity. I really enjoyed Isiah Whitlock, Jr getting away from the Clay Davis (or the polar opposite as a parody) as Tracy's right hand man; he contributed to some of the only laughs from me in this one.

Useless movie, another one that seemingly was a straight-to-redbox POS.
Spoiler Alert - We're not happy, but we're okay.
Rating - F

 

[dell71]

^^^ So if she's clean why is he taking her to rehab?

 

[Houston]

Tangled (2010) was much better than Brave. Never would have watched it, but the nieces wanted to.

 

[Palooza]

^^^ So if she's clean why is he taking her to rehab?

She doesn't do drugs that often. Her problem is more irresponsibility than drug addiction. Her insurance won't allow her in or sumshit, so she can't check herself in, she needs to be forced to go and the only way to do that is if she has dirty urine. She's clean at the moment, but if she shows up high, they have to admit her.

 

[KINGOFOOTBALL]

103. Total Recall

Colin Farrell, Jessica Biel, Kate Beckinsale, Bryan Cranston, Bill Nighy, John Cho, Bokeem Woodbine, Steve Byers​

Director(s) - Len Wiseman
Writer(s) - Kurt Wimmer
Source Material/Connections - Remake of the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Total Recall based off of the Philip K. Dick short story "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale"
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - August 3
Runtime - 2 hours, 1 minute
RT Score - 31%
Metacritic - 43/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Consider that a divorce!"
Review - This is not any Total Recall I know. This movie tries too hard to be slick, cool and futuristic with too thin of a plot and what is essentially the tamest version of the original as possible. Colin Farrell is back to his The Recruit ways here, skating through the role on cruise control. Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Biel are brilliant choices for the attractive women in the movie, but there's not much more to them than "badass after Quaid's life" and "badass after Quaid's heart". Beckinsale gets the same type of overdone fight scenes like she would in her husband's other movies, the Underworld franchise. There's not heart and soul in this movie and the ridiculous from the original is nowhere to be found and thankfully so because that wouldn't work today; it's a product of its time. The story is horribly straight forward, too. At no real point do they ever try to blur reality with the dream state Quaid may or may not be in. You are pretty much convinced this all real very early on although I do applaud them for not pulling the rug out from under the audience just to pull the rug out and make this just an implanted memory after never blurring those lines throughout. Bill Nighy is wasted as underground leader Matthias and Cranston does a magnificent over-the-top villain job in this, but it's useless and can't keep the movie afloat.

This is a pathetic excuse for a Total Recall movie and everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves.
Spoiler Alert - Good guys win, it was not a dream or an implanted memory.
Rating - F

I thought it was decent just because I love Biel and Cranston is awesome. As bastardized as it was the movie was beautiful to look at. Which is weird considering how dingy so many parts should have been.

 

[JimLeavy59]

That movie was brutal to watch it just went on and on they really could have cut out a lot of the dialogue in that film.

 

[Palooza]

98. Battleship

Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgard, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna, Hamish Linklater, Tadanobu Asano, Jesse Plemons, Jerry Ferrara, Gregory D. Gadson​

Director(s) - Peter Berg
Writer(s) - Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber
Source Material/Connections - Based off the Hasbro board game of the same name.
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - May 18
Runtime - 2 hours, 11 minutes
RT Score - 34%
Metacritic - 41/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote -
Review - And the Taylor Kitsch train finally pulls into the station. It's not gunna be pretty for the next few posts, so bare with me.

When dealing with a movie like this you know exactly what you're getting. The least board game-y board game is turned into a summer blockbuster produced by Michael Bay and directed by the poor man's Michael Bay (Peter Berg). Take all the corniness and ridiculousness and all that everyone hated about Independence Day and then mix it with Pear Harbor and you have yourself BATTLESHIP.

Plot synopsis time! Good luck keeping track with my ramblings seeing as how this is the world's sloppiest written movie and it's also almost entirely predictable. Sooooo an alien planet has been discovered. MEANWHILE, ON EARF, Hopper #1 (Taylor Kitsch) gets drunk as shit and makes a fool of himself and gets arrested attempting to impress a Cutie at the bar (Brooklyn Decker). His brother, Hopper #2 (Alexander Skarsgard) a highly respected member of the Navy, steps in and somehow forces his slacker brother to join the Navy. Obviously, Hopper #1 is good at everything he does, he just has a problem with authority and doesn't give a fuck about anything. We jump a bit in the future and Hopper #1 has jumped the ranks and is a member of Battleship #1 and is in a relationship with Cutie and his brother is the commanding officer on Battleship #2. Cutie's dad also happens to be the smartest, most important and intimidating guy in the Navy (played by Liam Neeson). Maybe Hopper #1 should start giving a fuck. WRONG! He's still not motivated by anything! He's a badass! This is when things start to get extremely sloppy. So there's aliens, remember? Well they decide to attack during a routine test with Hoppers #1 and #2's ships and a Japanese battleship. WELL, if you didn't see this coming you're an idiot but Hopper #1 finally gets that last bit of motivation from watching his brother die and rescuing his rival (Tadanobu Asano). So there's that. Hopper #1 and his rag tag group of comrades (Rihanna, Jerry Ferra, Jesse Plemons, et al) regroup and shit but their communications have been cut off by the aliens, I don't fucking remember. Some shit goes down and we're down a boat. Oh, right and meanwhile Brookyln Decker is some fucking doctor (LOL) and she is on a hike with a former military dude who is practicing using his prosthetic legs. Yeah well they stumble on some genius pussy doctor jew who is running away from all the madness in his flip flops. He's a pussy so he's scared to help save the world with them. Somehow he de-pussifies himself by getting a radio that will signal to the ship that Hopper #1 is on and can inform them the aliens are submitting a signal to their home planet or something I don't know all these alien movies are the same it's always some transmitter bullshit that needs to be shut off to get rid of their defenses whatever, they do that but now we gotta kill these mothafuckas, but the ship is fucked whatever will we do? I KNOW USE THE FUCKING USS MISSOURI BECAUSE IT'S NOT A FUCKING MUSEUM NOW. So they do that, because Hollywood and the old farts who are keeping the thing in working condition are like hell fuckin yeah I haven't had a boner in 35 years, I might as well die fighting some fucking aliens. So they do and we win and we kill all the aliens and if this movie didn't bomb at the box office, I'm sure we'd be back sinking destroyers in the next few summers.

Is there really much to be explained as to why this movie is garbage? No, not really. I outlined the plot for you and that's enough attention to this pathetic display of "creativity". Tim Riggins Part Deux coming up next. Oh, speaking of Tim Riggins, I hate that his reunion with Landry is such a piss poor one. For shame.
Spoiler Alert - Welcome to Earf, alien scum.
Rating - F

 

[dell71]

Battleship is right at the bottom with Piranha 3DD, for me. Total crap.

 

[Palooza]

Battleship is right at the bottom with Piranha 3DD, for me. Total crap.

I intended it to be closer to #125 but it got lost in the shuffle. Regardless, most of these terrible movies are pretty interchangeable in terms of rank.

 

[NAHSTE]

The two movies my girlfriend has watched during the snowstorm? Battleship and Total Recall.

:natsplayoffs:

 

[Palooza]

What a bitch.

Just typed up a ridiculously mean review for the next movie and fucking lost it. FFFFFUUUUUU. Gunna do my best to recreate it and get the ball rolling on a few more of these.

 

[Len B]

- Trouble With the Curve was the worst baseball movie ever made, even worse than Major League 3: Back to the Minors, and was easily the worst movie I've seen this year

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch it, bud.

 

[Palooza]

97. Savages

Taylor Kitsch, Aaron Johnson, Blake Lively, Salma Hayek, Benicio Del Toro, John Travolta, Demian Bichir, Emile Hirsch​

Director(s) - Oliver Stone
Writer(s) - Oliver Stone, Don Winslow, Shane Salerno
Source Material/Connections - Based off the novel of the same name by Don Winslow
MPAA Rating - R
Release Date - July 6
Runtime - 2 hours, 9 minutes
RT Score - 51%
Metacritic - 59/100
Views - 1
Viewed - In theaters
Quote - "I have orgasms, he has wargasms."
Review - Ahhhh, so I ranted about this movie and fucking lost all my work, so that's cool and has just made me hate this movie even more. I wouldn't blame the atrocities of this film on Taylor Kitsch playing Tim Riggins in a different capacity once again or Blake Lively's wooden acting or Benicio Del Toro's overacting or Salma Hayek as a caricature.. with a twist! No, I'd blame this movie on Don Winslow and Oliver Stone. At first I gave Winslow the benefit of the doubt because maybe the people who wrote the screenplay butchered his book or something. Turns out, he's the asshole who wrote the screenplay, too. The basic premise, which we will get into momentarily is not exactly the problem with the movie, either. It's all in execution and I hope to god the ending of the book is different and is actually satisfying, but I wouldn't be so sure. Oliver Stone is a major culprit here for the awfulness of the film. It's over stylized like a bad Tony Scott movie (too soon?) and as a contributing writer, I'd imagine the Mexican Cartel caricatures were certainly part of his plan. This movie is a true testament to what a hack Stone is. There are no parts of this film that scream out HEY LOOK AT ME I'M OLIVER STONE AND WELCOME TO CONTROVERSY WHERE LBJ KILLED JFK AND TOM BERENGER KILLS WILLEM DAFOE AND NIC CAGE SAVES 9/11. There's none of that here, just a run of the mill shoot em up. Usually we'd think the lack of controversy would be a good thing for Stone, but it just goes to show you that his controversy is the only thing that keeps people interested. There's none of that here and it's both a good thing and a bad thing.

So, the movie centers around a love triangle between best buds Chon and Ben (Taylor Kitsch and Aaron Johnson, respectively) and their mutual girlfriend named Ophelia (Blake Lively). Speaking of the name Ophelia, I do not catch the literary reference between she and the REAL Ophelia from Hamlet. What is the connection besides they're two women who get caught in the crosshairs of her lover's problems? Absolutely nothing. Well, maybe the fact that they're both entirely one dimensional. The problem with that though is that Ophelia from Hamlet is supposed to be one dimensional until her insanity gets the best of her. Here, Ophelia is the focus of the film essentially. She narrates it and she is a catalyst for all the events that transpire. So why is she still under developed and unsympathetic? It could be the writing it could be Blake Lively, either way I don't care. Don't disrespect Ophelia by being named after her. She may or may not explain why she was named after Ophelia in the movie, but I don't really give a shit.

Back to the plot - We have our love triangle and Ben and Chon are in the marijuana business. Chon is a former Marine who deals with his problems physically and Ben is the brains since he studied business and botany at Genius University because duh, haven't you seen the trailer? Well, cousin business is a-boomin' so theycatch the attention of both the DEA (John Travolta) and the Mexican Cartel (Salma Hayek Demian Bichir, and Benicio Del Toro). Ben and Chon decline the offer to go international with the Cartel and they are not very happy, attempting to force them into an arrangement because who the fuck wants Mexican Brick Weed with stems and seeds when you can have dat home grown hydroponics made from America's brightest minds? Yeah, exactly. But Ben is all like Cartel, dude? Those people kill people, I'm a buddhist pacifist just look at my dreads. So they decline and the Cartel is like nahhhhh and kidnap Ophelia and then mayhem ensues. Ben and Chon kill some people in the process of trying to get Ophelia and some of that is pretty cool, but it's all ruined by one of the worst endings I have ever seen in my entire life. So, before I carry on I want everyone to know there be spoilers throughout the next paragraph. I'm sure you don't care, but I think it's just a precaution at this point.

The late, great Harry Waters once said, "Don't be stupid, this is the shootout." Oliver Stone and camp went full retard on this one. The Cartel consisting of just Hayek and Del Toro meet Chon and Ben in the desert to exchange Ophelia for Hayek's daughter and put everything behind them. Some outed double crossing by Del Toro on Hayek and the shootout begins. Everyone is shot, Del Toro and Hayek are dead, Chon is all tore up with bullet holes but he's okay because he was in Afghanistan. The problem is that Ben took a bullet to the throat, so as he bleeds out and dies, he, Ophelia, and Chon lie in the dirt. Chon is like nahhhh f this and so he takes a lethal dose of morphine or sumshit and gives it to all three of them and they die in each others arms. BUT WAIT DOOLITDOO DOOLITDOO DOOLITDOO! SCOOBY DOO ENDING REWIND REMIX HOLLA IT WAS ALL A DREAM OPHELIA USED TO READ WORD UP MAGAZINE. So we're back where we were about to pull the exchange and Del Toro is revealed as stabbing Hayek in the back but he gets away before anything goes down, the kids are traded for one another and then BAM, Dennis the DEA Agent (Travolta) and his squad come out of the middle of nowhere and everyone is arrested. No shootout, no killing, no making up for that horrible hallucination by Ophelia. Chon and Ben have dirt on Dennis so he claims they were his informants blah blah blah they're out the game and move to (insert random country here) and they live like SAVAGES. Roll credits, bitch.

Oliver Stone needs to fuck off somewhere and die because this movie sucks not only because it's a bad movie but because it had a ton of potential to actually be a cool shoot em up movie that examines the new age of marijuana. Too bad they butchered it. Fucking bastards. Oh and Emile Hirsch is absolutely wasted.
Spoiler Alert - Fucking Scooby-Doo endings.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

96. John Carter

Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe, Bryan Cranston, Dominic West, Mark Strong, Ciarin Hinds, Samantha Morton, James Purefoy, Thomas Haden Church, Polly Walker, Daryl Sabara, ​

Director(s) - Andrew Stanton
Writer(s) - Andrew Stanton, Mark Andrews, Michael Chabon
Source Material/Connections - Based off the "John Carter of Mars" novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs (most notably A Princess of Mars)
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - March 9
Runtime - 1 hour, 58 minutes
RT Score - 51%
Metacritic - 51/100
Views - 1
Viewed - Torrent
Quote - "Ock, ohem, oktei, weis, Jarsoom!" - John Carter
Review - And the Taylor Kitsch trifecta comes to an end. I actually saw this, and was released, first and I liked it more than I did the other two, but it's really not a good movie. No matter which way you slice it, this movie just was not very good. It's got cool effects and everyone and everyone is competent enough to keep it entertaining, but it's pretty much a complete mess. So much shit is going on and thrown around and it's all so ridiculous and lame. All the words and languages of Mars sound absolutely ridiculous when spoken out loud to a point of near hilarity. It's a joke at some point to watch Tim Riggins look up at a CGI alien Willem Dafoe and be like "Bro, what? I don't speak your language, man." This movie cost a bazillion dollars to make and pretty much bombed in theaters, so there's always a reason even the idiots who watch the normal trash Hollywood produces didn't go and see this movie. I like Timmy Riggins, though so I was pretty entertained by it's awfulness. I'd consider this a "disasterpiece" a so bad it's still pretty bad but entertaining nonetheless, unlike Battleship which is pretty close to intolerable and way too fucking long, this one runs a bit too long, too, but there's a ton of shit going down so it's okay, I guess.

I like Andrew Stanton and I'm gunna hate myself for beating up on Taylor Kitsch's movies, so I'm gunna keep this one brief. It's a bad movie, but I kinda liked it. The plot is so convoluted and messy that it's not even worth dissecting because we'll be here all day. It's on Starz, it deserves at least a hate-watch.
Spoiler Alert - This guy pretty much invented the good guys winning.
Rating - F

 

[Palooza]

95. Snow White and the Huntsman

Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, Chris Hemsworth, Sam Claffin, Sam Spruell, Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Nick Frost, Ray Winstone, Eddie Marsan, Toby Jones, Johnny Harris, Brian Gleeson, Vincent Regen, Noah Huntley, Liberty Ross, Christopher Obi​

Director(s) - Rupert Sanders
Writer(s) - Evan Daugherty, John Lee Hancock, Hossein Amini
Source Material/Connections - Based on Snow White by the Brothers Grimm
MPAA Rating - PG-13
Release Date - June 1
Runtime - 2 hours and 8 minutes
RT Score - 48%
Metacritic - 57/100
Views - 1
Viewed - $2 movie theater
Quote - "I would rather die today than live another day of this death."
Review - Ignoring the sexual controversy that engulfed this movie (Kristen Stewart fucked the director), we will jump right into this movie's problem - Kristen Stewart and shitty directing. Wait what, you mean it's the same problem?! Blast, you're right.

Okay so this is Kristen Stewart when she is sad -

Happy -

Exhausted -

Getting fucked in the ass by a large black fellow -

It's her birthday

And finally, when her grandma died -

It's fun seeing Charlize Theron ham it up as a villain but it's wasted here. Kristen Stewart gives you nothing, Chris Hemsworth isn't given anything to do, the dwarves are funny for like 15 seconds and then you realize none of them are Peter Dinkalge, just short, fat actors CGI'd to make them look like little people, Rupert Sanders sucks and Snow White will probably fight vampires next. Fuck this movie.
Spoiler Alert - It's fucking Snow White whatchu think happens, bruh
Rating - F

 

[dell71]

You're pretty much right on about John Carter. It's bad, but entertaining.

I know I'm in the minority, but I actually like SW & the Huntsman. This is aside from Stewart's non-acting, of course. She's this generation's Keanu Reeves.

 

[Palooza]

Going for a little trip down to AC to see Berowsk's mom so I'll probably type a fuck ton of these up in the hotel and go hamburgers when I return.

 

[Senser81]

Going for a little trip down to AC to see Berowsk's mom so I'll probably type a fuck ton of these up in the hotel and go hamburgers when I return.

FIXED